Questions about his ex... *Trigger warning*

[ConfiderWren]

So first off, I am a woman who feels the past is in the past. Don't judge someone on their history etc. Don't pry about someone's ex's or previous sexual history.

However, I need to know if IBU in this instance?

A girl has recently stalked my Instagram Story and Facebook that I don't know - she popped up on viewing Stories and then today liked and unliked an old FB pic on my profile. I click on her profile, curious, and see she lives in the same town as my boyfriend. A small specific place not local to me.

I send him a screenshot and ask if he knows her, genuinely curious why I'm being stalked by a random. He replies they have history and she was a bit mental. I ask how long ago and he said before us. He then rang me very angry, saying I was interrogating him and asking why I was starting a fight.

This reaction has then caused me to ask why he was overreacting. If it was someone in the past it's cool and he can calm down, but could he tell me what happened between them. I wouldn't normally care or want to know, but the combination of her stalking me and his big reaction triggered my spider senses.

He eventually let on that he had been with her a few months, got her pregnant, then she has had an abortion and they went their separate ways.

This had made me feel quite insecure in that he has never shared this with me - not that he had to - but that in looking more at her profile I can see he liked a selfie she took last year while we've been together, and also a picture of her son at school this year.

Im now worried he has unresolved feelings for her hence the big reaction and also liking her pictures. He's only liked two, but why would he be liking them otherwise?

Am I being overanxious now? Should I just trust his version of things as he's told me?

Yeah you need to be aware that you’re trying to alter your behaviour to avoid triggering his anger.

You don’t say how long you’ve been together but it’s not something to ignore.

Youve done nothing wrong in asking about an ex who has popped up on your SM

I would believe him. I find my exes Facebook presence fascinating and I'm very happily married with kids. I do a fair bit of "wow thank god I dodged that" or "aww look he seems happy" and it's all very innocent.

There's no way if they were a good match, they would have gone their separate ways after he got her pregnant. They'd have had a baby together, surely.

I think you can let him off the hook after a good chat about the whole thing to clear the air.

Proceed with what? You love him, you trust him so it’s all good then, isn’t it? Just forget about it and stop giving it head space.

UPDATE

So, yes, because I'm being anxious I've just been stalking.

He said he wasn't friends with her on Insta and never had been. I've just looked through all his pictures on Instagram however and she has previously been on his and began liking his pictures from May 2020 and stopped in November 2020. He met me and started sleeping with me in July 2020.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, however the fact is if by his account 'they saw each other for a few months then fell pregnant and had an abortion'.. there could be a crossover with when he was with me.

We were casual in the beginning so I can't hold him to account in this. But I'm now freaking that he made her get an abortion because he met me 😨he was the one pursuing a relationship etc and chasing me for ages.

She's obviously taken him off her Instagram at some point as they are not friends now.

And I've just realized he's lied to me. He once told me I was the youngest person he'd ever been with (I'm quite a bit younger than him.)

She's three years younger than me!

The issues with his anger won't go away.
I'm not saying you're walking on eggshells but I bet you're aware that you approach him tentatively because you know he will blow up or get defensive.
Any normal person would be much easier to broach these things with.
I've been there. I told myself I had the greatest relationship in the world with my now exh but in truth I pussyfooted around asking anything like this because I didn't want him to get angry or annoyed or ruin his day.
But I have a DP now where now and again something or another will come up about a previous relationship and we can have a laugh about it.

The big problem you have is that you don't even know if his reaction is a red flag because you say his reaction is like this with pretty much everything.

I get you feel you have a solid relationship. And you probably can go on and have a great future together. But you have to at some point ask if you're ever going to be able to just be YOU and be able to talk to him the way you want without having to change your behaviour to accommodate his. I was happy with my exh. Because I told myself I was. In reality, though he wasn't the worst human being in the world or anything, we just were not made for each other. We are so different. From experience, this kind of behaviour, doesn't ever change.

Looking at your last update, you're already finding holes you never knew were there.

I’d obsess a bit less about the exact details of who didn’t follow who and when on Instagram and Facebook 3 years ago.

Him liking 2 of her posts in a year? That’s hardly any interaction. What does a like mean anyway. It’s like the barest acknowledgment you’ve seen something. No red flags there.

If you’re concerned about HER stalking YOU (which I would personally be uncomfortable with) then block her on Insta and Facebook so she can’t see your stuff.

Him lying to you and losing his rag when challenged. Whole other issue that’s def a red flag.

@HowAmYa wow. This hit home. I just rang him and said can we talk calmly as I want to know the truth if there was any crossover and need some reassurance and finding the whole thing overwhelming. He flew off the handle saying I had RUINED HIS DAY and cut me off.

He then sent me a message saying I clearly don't trust him and ruined his day. I haven't responded and so he called back and sent a passive aggressive message when I didn't answer.

Think I need to just go to bed and sleep on this. Like you say, any normal person would just be able to laugh comfortably about this with their partner which is what I was hoping/expecting.

I'd want to know why he hadn't told me he'd fathered an embryo and been through its abortion, why he got angry when you were asking normal questions about a Fb stalker, why she might feel the need to check your profile out, why he's always defensive rather than open, if he could possibly be a repeat of your previous "bad boy", why it's made you feel so insecure...

I don't think I'd like the answers though.

So in fact he sought to conceal that whole relationship from you.

And reading your most recent post... I think you need to end this relationship. If you feel like that might be in any way a scary thing to tell him, make sure you have family or friends around for support.

Has he ever made you feel scared at any other time OP?

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
I remember these same scenarios. You'll be the one apologising the next day because they won't. My exh used to also be an absolute bastard after having a drink. I thought all men were like that. They really are not!
It shouldn't be like this. But you have us here to tell you, that this isn't normal behaviour OP.
You become so accustomed that you forget what a truly healthy relationship is.
Relationships are great when you talk about everything. But realistically it's more about not necessarily telling each other absolutely every minute detail of everything ever, but the fact that if you wanted to, you comfortably could (without judgement)

@HowAmYa thank you. I won't be apologizing tomorrow. I'm meant to be going to stay with him for the weekend..but I'm thinking I just pull back right now unless he can turn it around, acknowledge he's handled this sh** and work through this with me like a partner.

May need to keep checking in to keep my resolve to not back down. If you girls can keep me strong.

Youve got this! There's a shed load of us who have had/have partners like this.
We got your back!

Maybe he was finally free of her stalking then bang she is back stalking you and his anger is misplaced anger at her popping up again.

So, just looking at the facts you’ve presented.

You have been in a ‘worse’ relationship before (I’d be willing to bet it was emotionally abusive at the very least). I’m also guessing that you haven’t done anything like the freedom program to stop you falling into the same old trap again…no offence, but you are displaying the classic ‘fingers in ears’ behaviour about this new and ‘better’ relationship. Despite it being clear to everyone else that it is a disaster and a complete waste of your precious remaining years.

This new relationship has more red flags than carnival bunting.

He lies to you, repeatedly. And I think we all know he is not going to stop.

Despite your attempts to downplay it, it’s clear you are modifying your behaviour to avoid his sulks/anger/disproportionate annoyance to normal everyday questions and conversations.

You’re focusing on this woman because it’s easier than looking at the cracks you are desperately trying to ignore.

It’s obvious to anyone with eyes that this won’t end well, but as you’ve said you don’t want any honest LTB comments…at the very least do the freedom program. You will remain vulnerable and stay in this cycle, every ‘perfect’ new relationship rapidly turning to shit until you do.

Op, having had a previous abusive relationship is famously not a defence against another - quite the opposite.

Is the son from the school pictures the right age to be his?

Tbh I don't think it matters if he still likes his ex/she is stalking him/it's his kid etc...the point is he's flew off the handle and you're left feeling shitty and insecure. You're asking what you should do to make it right. You sound needy. Take control and let him know you won't be spoken to in that tone....and remove yourself.

Sorry OP but he's a liar and he is using anger and aggression to control you.

He's not a good partner.

I think you really are wrong when you say you can spot a bad guy now. This one has so many red flags and yet you seem so determined to hang onto him as though he's some wonderful prize. He really really isn't.

I don't like it when a man says his ex is "mental". When a man describes a woman as mental, it usually means that he treated her moderately badly and she had the temerity to object. It also isn't respectful. If he was with her for a few months and she had an abortion, it's possible she went through a rough patch.

He flies into a rage when challenged 🚩
He lies about random details (you being youngest) to presumably rebuild she exists 🚩
Refers to ex who was pregnant as mental 🚩
Big age gaps twice at least in a row 🚩
Lying about never following her on social media when clearly did 🚩
Over lap of woman he made pregnant with chasing after you 🚩
Makes you responsible for his feelings when you talk about his actions 🚩

I've been there op those egg shells.
I saw a quote that said if you keep holding back for expressing your needs or thoughts to keep the peace you haven't had a peaceful day just a quieter one

Keep posting @ConfiderWren, MN is here for you!

Well I woke up with mixed feelings. Partially feeling self-doubt about overreacting.
But then I also keep feeling angry. I feel like he's made out like this is all my fault, and that actually all I needed from him was sone warm and loving reassurance.
I watched a Matthew Hussey video about self-worth in which he says your never 'too much' for the right person and I'm holding onto that in my mind. I know partner is going to put this all on me and being 'crackpot'.