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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Questions about his ex... *Trigger warning*

93 replies

ConfiderWren · 07/09/2023 21:26

So first off, I am a woman who feels the past is in the past. Don't judge someone on their history etc. Don't pry about someone's ex's or previous sexual history.

However, I need to know if IBU in this instance?

A girl has recently stalked my Instagram Story and Facebook that I don't know - she popped up on viewing Stories and then today liked and unliked an old FB pic on my profile. I click on her profile, curious, and see she lives in the same town as my boyfriend. A small specific place not local to me.

I send him a screenshot and ask if he knows her, genuinely curious why I'm being stalked by a random. He replies they have history and she was a bit mental. I ask how long ago and he said before us. He then rang me very angry, saying I was interrogating him and asking why I was starting a fight.

This reaction has then caused me to ask why he was overreacting. If it was someone in the past it's cool and he can calm down, but could he tell me what happened between them. I wouldn't normally care or want to know, but the combination of her stalking me and his big reaction triggered my spider senses.

He eventually let on that he had been with her a few months, got her pregnant, then she has had an abortion and they went their separate ways.

This had made me feel quite insecure in that he has never shared this with me - not that he had to - but that in looking more at her profile I can see he liked a selfie she took last year while we've been together, and also a picture of her son at school this year.

Im now worried he has unresolved feelings for her hence the big reaction and also liking her pictures. He's only liked two, but why would he be liking them otherwise?

Am I being overanxious now? Should I just trust his version of things as he's told me?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfiderWren · 08/09/2023 08:20

I've not heard from him yet. I'll let you know if / when I do.

OP posts:
Newnamehiwhodis · 08/09/2023 08:22

Oh, she’s “a bit mental,” is she? That is the biggest red flag of them all. Count on it: he treated her badly.

Mrsttcno1 · 08/09/2023 08:26

I can see both sides of this- obviously the anger from him is unacceptable, but I can sort of see why he might be a bit miffed at these questions 3 years down the line when presumably from what you’ve said, you both drew a line and didn’t ask about each others past relationships (rightly so, I agree with you on this and have always said the same, what happened before me is not my business).

If my DH had turned round after 3 years together and stalked both mine and my ex’s instagram back 3 years and then asked me if there was an “overlap” ( despite you saying yourself you were casual at first so even if there was an overlap you wouldn’t be angry ), I’d be a bit like WTF where has this come from.

Maybe this situation is just bringing to light other issues? I know we had a similar situation in that not long after DH and I got engaged I randomly had a follow request and message request on Instagram from a girl he had dated, I never replied to her, never even bothered to look through her social media because I truly didn’t care who she was or what she wanted, I mentioned to DH she had messaged me and we laughed about it, but I never did any stalking of her/his social media and didn’t accuse him of anything when I saw that message

morknmindi · 08/09/2023 08:29

If what he said was true then how does she know your full name and was able to identify you on social media?

Where would she get that inodematuon from!

morknmindi · 08/09/2023 08:30

Information ^

fairyfluf · 08/09/2023 08:30

ConfiderWren · 07/09/2023 21:56

@HectorSalamanca I've been with the guy three years, were pretty deep in 😝 if it was three months yes this situation would make me think differently, as I would assume the worst and run.

Don't let that stop you. Don't let it be 3 more years. Run.

fairyfluf · 08/09/2023 08:31

If he cant handle his past in a mature manner (and leave it in the past) Then he's not the sort you want to keep around.

BrawnWild · 08/09/2023 08:31

You are aware that he is training you?

Training you not to ask questions.
Now you and he have this big side show problem of the latest fight so you'll talk about his reaction and in the spirit of moving on, you'll drop your questions about his ex.

This has potential to become a dangerous relationship.

  1. He is training you
  2. He lied to you
  3. He is sleeping with young women because they are fresh and more likely to put up with his crap
  4. He got a young girl pregnant and hounded her into an abortion.
  5. He calls her mental. Which all men who mistreat their exes do. He shows zero accountability. What exactly was it that she was being mental about and can you even trust it is true?

None of that is ok. And you know that. But if his training works then you'll sort out your latest sideshow arguement about how YOU approached it and he will weasel out of answering any hard questions.

What's the point OP? Do you want a baby with him? Is he the best role model? Do you want a son that acts like him? Or a daughter trained into being quiet and letting the man rule the roost like her poor mum?

I genuinely don't think you realise the path you are on if you carry on with him.

Deathbyfluffy · 08/09/2023 08:33

Missingmyusername · 07/09/2023 21:31

Flick him back- not a keeper.

😂😂😂
He’s done nothing wrong; what a silly reaction to a non-issue.

Aprilx · 08/09/2023 08:33

Mrsttcno1 · 08/09/2023 08:26

I can see both sides of this- obviously the anger from him is unacceptable, but I can sort of see why he might be a bit miffed at these questions 3 years down the line when presumably from what you’ve said, you both drew a line and didn’t ask about each others past relationships (rightly so, I agree with you on this and have always said the same, what happened before me is not my business).

If my DH had turned round after 3 years together and stalked both mine and my ex’s instagram back 3 years and then asked me if there was an “overlap” ( despite you saying yourself you were casual at first so even if there was an overlap you wouldn’t be angry ), I’d be a bit like WTF where has this come from.

Maybe this situation is just bringing to light other issues? I know we had a similar situation in that not long after DH and I got engaged I randomly had a follow request and message request on Instagram from a girl he had dated, I never replied to her, never even bothered to look through her social media because I truly didn’t care who she was or what she wanted, I mentioned to DH she had messaged me and we laughed about it, but I never did any stalking of her/his social media and didn’t accuse him of anything when I saw that message

I agree with this. He does seem to have a very short fuse, but I am bewildered at your behaviour OP. I just cannot imagine checking up my husbands social media to see what he has liked, I really really couldn’t be bothered. And I certainly cannot imagine quizzing him over some likes from three years ago and frankly if he did that to me I would think he has lost the plot.

You are a long way from somebody who feels the past is in the past. In fact your whole first paragraph is at odds with everything you have written afterwards.

Original poster
ConfiderWren · 08/09/2023 08:37

Ok moreso confused now. I'm saying that I woke up feeling self-doubt about potentially overreacting - which several posters are confirming.

Then in contrast have lots of posters saying they are all red flags and I should run / he is training me.

Which is it? I feel so internally conflicted right now

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 08/09/2023 08:37

BrawnWild · 08/09/2023 08:31

You are aware that he is training you?

Training you not to ask questions.
Now you and he have this big side show problem of the latest fight so you'll talk about his reaction and in the spirit of moving on, you'll drop your questions about his ex.

This has potential to become a dangerous relationship.

  1. He is training you
  2. He lied to you
  3. He is sleeping with young women because they are fresh and more likely to put up with his crap
  4. He got a young girl pregnant and hounded her into an abortion.
  5. He calls her mental. Which all men who mistreat their exes do. He shows zero accountability. What exactly was it that she was being mental about and can you even trust it is true?

None of that is ok. And you know that. But if his training works then you'll sort out your latest sideshow arguement about how YOU approached it and he will weasel out of answering any hard questions.

What's the point OP? Do you want a baby with him? Is he the best role model? Do you want a son that acts like him? Or a daughter trained into being quiet and letting the man rule the roost like her poor mum?

I genuinely don't think you realise the path you are on if you carry on with him.

Big leap there - maybe he just wants to leave the past in the past, and not discuss what was quite a traumatic time for him.

I’m happy to call my ex completely mental - no mistreatment from my side; she was genuinely wired to the moon and got up to all sorts.
Cheating, then blaming me, gaslighting, physical abuse - or was this all down to me ‘mistreating’ her too? 🙄
I’m not overly happy to discuss that relationship either, and would probably react in an annoyed fashion if pushed too.

Thankfully my wife is a sane human being and can understand this without her thinking I’m ‘training’ her, whatever that means.

StarBloo · 08/09/2023 08:38

I'd reach out to the girl who has been stalking you and ask her why she liked and unliked your photo when she is an ex of your boyfriend. See what answer you get back.

Stressyfab · 08/09/2023 08:39

make sure you screenshot that she’s viewed your story just back yourself up.
he shouldn’t be mad you asked, it’s completely valid, I’ve been in this position too and I think it’s fair - no one’s ever reacted like that.
IF what he says is true, it’s possibly been a very hard experience for him hence the reaction, BUT it’s still not on to take it out on you. You only asked.
I agree with pp, dig around.
I wouldn’t say it’s odd he didn’t tell you before now, it’s not a nice subject matter and it’s not something I’d bring up tbh.
that being said if she is as mental as he’s saying why’s he interacting and liking her photos?

Original poster
ConfiderWren · 08/09/2023 08:39

@Deathbyfluffy thank you. Because can I ask if your wife did one day ask you questions/need reassurance would you reject her and become angry at her? Or would you try to be understanding and compassionate?

It was his becoming really angry really fast that has sparked my anxiety over this

OP posts:
LogicVoid · 08/09/2023 08:50

Open up a conversation with the ex gf. Since all this was triggered by her 'stalking' you, you could msg her with a friendly tone and ask if she is the ex of bf :-) Cut out the middle man...

BrawnWild · 08/09/2023 08:51

There is a big difference between being able to briefly articulate why a relationship was bad and calling people mental.

So hitting isnt ok. Gas lighting isnt ok. But OP thinks she is being lied to. Emotional abuse isnt ok. But OP doesnt like speaking up to her much older boyfriend because he gets angry and shouty.

morknmindi · 08/09/2023 08:53

I'll ask again.

How did she know who to look for if she is someone from the past?

Where did she get your name or know what you look like?

burnoutbabe · 08/09/2023 08:54

AuntMarch · 07/09/2023 21:45

I don't like his reaction at all, but to answer "why else would he be liking her photos"... because that's what people do? My DC started school this week, three exes (that I happened to noticed - when the notification happened to show their names) liked the photo I posted

God yes. I have liked many back to school pictures.

Sone are my nephew. Sone old school mates or workmates kids. Sone kids of men I have snogged or more.

Heck I wished my boyfriend from 14 a happy 50th last week!

CurlewKate · 08/09/2023 09:00

NEVER believe in the "crazy ex girlfriend narrative. Never.

BrawnWild · 08/09/2023 09:03

OP deep down I think you know his reaction and the whole thing is off but you are looking for a glimmer that you should gloss over it so that you can move on. I get it. But its eating you up because you know something is off.

The facts are that until this you thought he was trustworthy but he lied about you being the youngest hes ever been with. That's not an accident. There was 6 months of social media activity, part of which was during your time together.

Do you believe you'll get an honest answer from him? I'm worried about you because you have already minimised it by saying that you werent really committed then anyway so you're already forgiving him in your head. I just think you're a bit under his spell and he is older and charming and you want him to be a better man than he actually is.

Hardly anyone is all bad so I get why you want to overlook these problems because when he is good it is very very good. But is is stable? Is it marriage and baby material? Dont fall for the sunken cost fallacy that being together 3 years means you are invested. 3 years isnt long and you dont need to save face. How old are you both? X

burnoutbabe · 08/09/2023 09:04

ConfiderWren · 08/09/2023 08:37

Ok moreso confused now. I'm saying that I woke up feeling self-doubt about potentially overreacting - which several posters are confirming.

Then in contrast have lots of posters saying they are all red flags and I should run / he is training me.

Which is it? I feel so internally conflicted right now

2 issues I see

The "overlap" was there actually any? In that you were casual. At one point did you agree to be exclusive? Does that tally with when they stopped liking stuff?

If you can't actually speak to him without him flying off the handle that's another issue. Yes he can be annoyed at your questioning and checking his past and have a sensible conversation about boundaries. but moving to anger is another thing and I'd probably want to leave due to that aspect of him.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 08/09/2023 09:09

Almost regardless of whether there was cross-over / what happened with this woman - people who fly off the handle whenever they are questioned are not people you should be in a relationship with. And it's not your job to help him fix this! If he recognises the damage it causes, he would be seeking formal help (counselling or whatever) to resolve it. I'd he doesn't recognise it as wrong, he won't fix it anyway.

This sort of behaviour is what leads to relationships where one person can never honestly communicate how they feel due to fear of the others response. That is not healthy, and you deserve better.

mumda · 08/09/2023 09:18

@ConfiderWren
Cancel this weekend with him. Do something good for you. Someone who flies off the handle rather than treat the world respectfully isn't good for you.
Give yourself some space away from him.

Then pick out the points you've written about him in this thread ignoring the in-between responses and you'll read a bit of a minor horror story.

You probably need to get yourself into a happier state without the complications of someone's personal history and social media nonsense.

JanglyBeads · 08/09/2023 10:12

StarBloo · 08/09/2023 08:38

I'd reach out to the girl who has been stalking you and ask her why she liked and unliked your photo when she is an ex of your boyfriend. See what answer you get back.

Yup

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