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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dad not looking after kids properly

101 replies

nursei · 07/09/2023 15:59

Hi all. My ex husband and me split up a month ago due to his unreasonable behaviour. We have 2 daughters 6 and 9. He is renting a 2 bed house. For the last month the girls have been going to dads weekends. My 9 year old told me a week ago these are the arrangements: dad goes out fri night - girls stay with their gran overnight, He picks them up at 12 on sat and has them for 3 hours. Drops them back off at grans (leaves them there) and goes out again sat night picking up sunday at 12 and has them for 3 hours again. He then drops them back to me. He only takes them to the park for about an hour on sunday but on his phone apparently. Both daughters say they are bored and don't want to go. Attempted to speak to dad but he just says he can do what he wants as they are in his care and girls are safe. I said its not acceptable and tried to discuss him being there more. He wasn't having it so girls did not go last weekend ( all agreed with them). He is threatening to take me to court for custody and I have had nasty messages of MIL. What do you think?

OP posts:
OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 07/09/2023 16:02

I think it's early days

They have 'told' you a lot though....

Greensleeves · 07/09/2023 16:06

Well, he sounds like a slovenly deadbeat dad, and I suspect it's Gran who wants contact, not him. I don't know whether legally you would have any say over what he does with them during his contact time though, if they are safely left with a grandparent. I would be unhappy about it too, but when you split with the child's other parent I think there's an element of having to accept that their time is their time, as long as the kids aren't being endangered or neglected.

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 16:09

OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 07/09/2023 16:02

I think it's early days

They have 'told' you a lot though....

What do you mean?

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 07/09/2023 16:12

If ex MIL doesn't see the kids during his time, would you be willing to organise contact with her? It's normal for grandparents to see the grandchildren during their offspring's time.

Court will not punish him for using childcare during his time in the same way that you wouldn't be punished for using childcare during your time.

I know that it's disappointing that he's not doing the actual parenting and it sounds like he's being very lazy, he really wouldn't be penalised for outsourcing childcare to his mum.

GingerIsBest · 07/09/2023 16:15

Unfortunately, you don't get to dictate what he does or who looks after the DC during his contact time.

However, I would not be allowing this every weekend - seems crazy that you get to do school and all the week day stuff but come the weekend, it's on him and he's not even doing it. Can you switch to every other weekend?

And what about activities, playdates, parties etc? Is he able and willing to facilitate those?

AceofPentacles · 07/09/2023 16:16

I had a similar scenario, ex had DC at his mums on his weekend, he carried on as if he didn't have kids - getting drunk, sleeping all day, never taking them out. When exMiL died he stopped seeing DC

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 16:17

BoohooWoohoo · 07/09/2023 16:12

If ex MIL doesn't see the kids during his time, would you be willing to organise contact with her? It's normal for grandparents to see the grandchildren during their offspring's time.

Court will not punish him for using childcare during his time in the same way that you wouldn't be punished for using childcare during your time.

I know that it's disappointing that he's not doing the actual parenting and it sounds like he's being very lazy, he really wouldn't be penalised for outsourcing childcare to his mum.

He's not at work or anything and ok, one night out but the kids aren't happy either. Would you go out of your way to arrange with a MIL who has sent unprovoked and nasty messages?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/09/2023 16:17

He will get eow as a minimum. Whether he spends that time with them or leaves them with his Mum is his choice sadly.

HermioneWeasley · 07/09/2023 16:19

He will get contact and you will be expected to make them go. It’s horrible

BananaSlug · 07/09/2023 16:19

Sounds right he can do what he likes none of that is abusive and they are not old enough by court standards to say the don't want to go. Its only been a month!

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 16:20

GingerIsBest · 07/09/2023 16:15

Unfortunately, you don't get to dictate what he does or who looks after the DC during his contact time.

However, I would not be allowing this every weekend - seems crazy that you get to do school and all the week day stuff but come the weekend, it's on him and he's not even doing it. Can you switch to every other weekend?

And what about activities, playdates, parties etc? Is he able and willing to facilitate those?

Not dictating but had a reasonable discussion with him explaining that children don't want to be stuck at their grans with nothing to do for a lot of the contact time. They made it clear they would rather be here. He didn't help out with children before so he's not going to now.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 16:22

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/09/2023 16:17

He will get eow as a minimum. Whether he spends that time with them or leaves them with his Mum is his choice sadly.

Not really as our 9 nearly 10 year old has point blank refused to go and I can't make her. 6 year old won't go alone and she's a very sensitive child so that would cause lots of problems.

OP posts:
OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 07/09/2023 16:22

You have all the exact timings...how? Also, he was on his phone, you were digging to get that info

Did you say 'aww were you bored? Nothing to do?' Planting it in their heads

Can't imagine kids of 6 and 9 saying all what you claim, unprompted

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/09/2023 16:23

Whether he helped before or not is irrelevant. He will still get at least eow access. He is then perfectly free to leave them in the care of his mother. If you stop them going you will be the one in trouble

OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 07/09/2023 16:23

He doesn't work?

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 16:24

HermioneWeasley · 07/09/2023 16:19

He will get contact and you will be expected to make them go. It’s horrible

I'll move out the country first before putting them through that!

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 07/09/2023 16:25

If he gets court-ordered contact OP then you will be expected to make them go. You need to choose your battles here; legally and practically, you have no say in whether or not he leaves them with their grandmother during "his" time. It sucks, but it's reality. You'd be better off trying to support them to feel better about going, take things to do, have regular times they can chat with you if they want to etc.

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 16:25

OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 07/09/2023 16:23

He doesn't work?

Yes, he works during the week but won't see them as he says he needs to rest! He doesn't even contact them. Eldest calls him and he doesn't answer or call back.

OP posts:
OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 07/09/2023 16:26

Move country?

So you would be willing to move schools, disrupt club's and friendship groups, remove them from extended family and their Dad?

Now we are getting to it....

Potentialmadcatlady · 07/09/2023 16:27

I would change it to every other weekend with offer of teatime mid week ( so not too long between seeing them). This will be seen as reasonable by the courts as it means you get ‘fun time’ with them too. If you set a precedent of every weekend then it’s harder to get it changed.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/09/2023 16:27

You won't just be able to move out of the country. Like it or not he is their Dad and as such he is entitled to see them. It has been a month things are still raw and new . Give it time to settle

SpaceRaiders · 07/09/2023 16:27

He will get contact and you will be expected to make them go. It’s horrible

This. You’ll have to bide your time until they’re teens and can actively vote with their feet. Going to court is horrendous. It’s a waste of both time and money and he’ll likely not stick with the arrangement anyways.

Karennup9 · 07/09/2023 16:29

He sounds rubbish and it's understandable the girls do not want to go.
It sounds like there is a high chance he won't take you to court, that could just be a threat, unless he's willing to spend a fortune. Even if he did, it's unlikely that he would get custody. Try and screen shot/ record any conversations with him where he admits to the going out and only spending a few hours with them, just incase.

On the other hand, with the girls not going, in court you could be accused of perental allienation so make sure it is their choice and possibly record that or make someone else a friend or family member part of the conversation where he girls say they don't want to go. It is important you don't encourage them to not go and stay really nautral.

( I work with children whose parents are going through separation and court battles)

butterpuffed · 07/09/2023 16:29

How do your dc know the times they're dropped off and picked back up and how long their father was gone ?

BibbleandSqwauk · 07/09/2023 16:29

@OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia it's clear where you are coming from on this. My ten year old could perfectly well tell me all that info, including timings unprompted (and does, when she similarly complains about her dad). I have had times when they have physically refused to get in the car and go and it's absolutely awful, knowing that you could be in trouble with court if you don't. I completely understand what the op means by moving country. Why is contact so sacrosanct for a parent who clearly cannot be arsed?