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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad not looking after kids properly

101 replies

nursei · 07/09/2023 15:59

Hi all. My ex husband and me split up a month ago due to his unreasonable behaviour. We have 2 daughters 6 and 9. He is renting a 2 bed house. For the last month the girls have been going to dads weekends. My 9 year old told me a week ago these are the arrangements: dad goes out fri night - girls stay with their gran overnight, He picks them up at 12 on sat and has them for 3 hours. Drops them back off at grans (leaves them there) and goes out again sat night picking up sunday at 12 and has them for 3 hours again. He then drops them back to me. He only takes them to the park for about an hour on sunday but on his phone apparently. Both daughters say they are bored and don't want to go. Attempted to speak to dad but he just says he can do what he wants as they are in his care and girls are safe. I said its not acceptable and tried to discuss him being there more. He wasn't having it so girls did not go last weekend ( all agreed with them). He is threatening to take me to court for custody and I have had nasty messages of MIL. What do you think?

OP posts:
Nonplusultra · 07/09/2023 16:56

Spending every weekend like that is miserable. Offer EOW and midweek. If he refuses midweek that’s on him; you’ve offered something reasonable.

Flufferblub · 07/09/2023 16:56

Definitely keep it to every other weekend. You deserve to have fun days with your kids and not just he left with all the school runs and appointments, all the shit basically.

Let them voice that they don't want to go, and let him take you to court about it. He'd get eow.

My ex is a shit parent as well, and rarely bothers with our DC any more. It's sad for the kids that that's their dad. It's always the kids I feel sorry for.

I just don't get it at all. If I only saw my kids every weekend or every other weekend, I'd go out of my way to cherish that time together and make it special. I don't get how they can just not bother.

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 16:57

GingerIsBest · 07/09/2023 16:47

you've only answered part of my question. I completely get it - there is NOTHING more infuriating than a useless man, being useless parent, and not being able to do anything about it.

As I and others have said - it's ridiculous this is every weekend. EOW is more than enough in a situation like this and I am certain that no court would insist that he got weekends because "he's tired during the week" if he did take you to court. So the first thing you CAN do, is swap to making this a fortnightly, rather than weekly, thing.

What about the playdate/activity thing? You said their grandmother can't take them, but if you set it up, would he? Eg drop them at a friend for a playdate or party or whatever? Never mind anything else, I can't understand why that issue hasn't come up already - at this age, mine constantly seem to have/had things on at the weekends and neither one of them is one of the super popular kids so I imagine there's even more for children who are.

Show quote history

I agree that every other weekend seems more do-able. My eldest used to do activities at the weekends but with dad moving out, that was the arrangement we came to particularly as I work 2 nights a week so I am in bed all day so can't do anything with them. I will change to day shift if I can then if I have them the weekend I can take them to activities. Good advice - thank you!

OP posts:
Dolores87 · 07/09/2023 16:58

I would look at reducing contact to every other weekend or every other weekend and one eve in the week. I think ultimately it is true he can do what he likes aslong as they are cared for and safe. He's a crap Dad but everyone is looked after in this situation. They shouldn't have to spend every single weekend like this though.

OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 07/09/2023 16:59

Who looks after them whilst you work?

BoohooWoohoo · 07/09/2023 17:00

Do you work Monday to Friday too?
Every other weekend is a popular routine so that kids get time with each parent. No court would force you to give up every weekend because that's the only time for quality time with you and your side of the family. If he won't see the kids on weekdays then he will be halving his access and not you.

I'm not taking his side but the court wouldn't say that he can't outsource childcare to his mother. I suspect that she is why he sees them for an hour a week.

If he is money orientated, then offer him a day every other weekend but allow him to pay child maintenance as if he's having one overnight a fortnight. MIL will look after them but it wouldn't be overnight.

Your dd needs to be older before she can dictate how often she has contact with dad (and therefore MIL)

GingerIsBest · 07/09/2023 17:00

I work 2 nights a week so I am in bed all day so can't do anything with them. I will change to day shift if I can then if I have them the weekend I can take them to activities. Good advice - thank you!

Are you in bed all day on the weekends and doing night shifts on weekends - is that how he landed up with every weekend? In which case ,they're not getting a great time with you either so I'd agree that changing to day shifts is a better idea. Or, if you have someone like your mum who could stay with them overnight, do a night shift during the week and sleep while they're at school?

Good luck either way. Some men are such wankers.

JaukiVexnoydi · 07/09/2023 17:02

You are obliged to make your children available for contact visits. You are not obliged to force them to go if they don't want to go. What are the normal handover arrangements and what would happen if the children refuse to cooperate? You can't be seen to be encouraging them to refuse (that would be deliberate estrangement) but you can let them know that they are allowed to make their feelings known. Courts don't enforce contact for older children who are deemed capable of knowing their own mind but a 6yo might not be considered to be mature enough. Could grandma do anything to make the visits more fun? You can't makd deadbeat uninterested dad be interested and not deadbeat. Don't try. Your kids will vote with their feet soon enough.

thinkfast · 07/09/2023 17:03

I think you should politely suggest to your ex that every weekend is no longer working for the children and that you'd prefer contact takes place every other weekend and x days during the week.

If he declines to see them during the week, that's up to him.

Keep everything in writing so that you can demonstrate if needed that you have attempted to facilitate reasonable contact.

Scatterbrainbox · 07/09/2023 17:07

I would tell him he can have them every other weekend.
He is choosing not to see them in the week, and actively making you the resident parent. The legal situation is then that you make decisions about what contact is and if he doesn't agree he can start legal proceedings.
Court and CAFCASS would absolutely listen to their views at any age. And if he doesn't actually have them overnight they may not say he gets any. Court is about putting the children's needs and relationships with parents first. Not sharing them out equally amongst parents so they get their alloted time.
So if you are available for quality time with them court are kot going to order that they go to get babysat by nan every weekend.
A very close friend fought this exact situation in court. He wanted 3 nights a week (basically to get his maintenance bill down).
Court said what's the point in them coming if you're not there dad. He got EOW and tea one night per week (not an overnight that night).
If he's jornally hands off this will be about keeping his mum happy and minimising maintenance.
Given how 'hands-off'he is, and that he's saying things like he can't see them in the week as he needs to rest then EOW and maybe a midweek tea at his (if he wants it) would be completely reasonable. It's important for your relationship with the kids to have weekend downtime with them too, not just the slog of school runs, homework etc through the week.

saffronsoup · 07/09/2023 17:12

I would get it changed to every other weekend given he isn’t really using his time but being bored or going to grand aren’t legitimate reasons to not go. If dad did a lot with them every weekend he would be slated for being a Disney dad. Most people think dads weekends should be boring and mundane. And spending time with grandparents / having childcare is acceptable dying custody time.

StillWantingADog · 07/09/2023 17:17

its not really on to send a 9/10 year old against her will. His request to have them every weekend is unreasonable and i'd suggest once a month. Unfortunately as others have said you can't dictate what he does when he has them.

diddl · 07/09/2023 17:18

His contact time is for him to manage as he sees fit.

I thought it was supposed to be about the kids not him!

Obviously I wouldn't be expecting him to be constantly entertaining them-but he only has them for 6hrs out of a weekend?

How are they benefitting?

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 17:42

Scatterbrainbox · 07/09/2023 17:07

I would tell him he can have them every other weekend.
He is choosing not to see them in the week, and actively making you the resident parent. The legal situation is then that you make decisions about what contact is and if he doesn't agree he can start legal proceedings.
Court and CAFCASS would absolutely listen to their views at any age. And if he doesn't actually have them overnight they may not say he gets any. Court is about putting the children's needs and relationships with parents first. Not sharing them out equally amongst parents so they get their alloted time.
So if you are available for quality time with them court are kot going to order that they go to get babysat by nan every weekend.
A very close friend fought this exact situation in court. He wanted 3 nights a week (basically to get his maintenance bill down).
Court said what's the point in them coming if you're not there dad. He got EOW and tea one night per week (not an overnight that night).
If he's jornally hands off this will be about keeping his mum happy and minimising maintenance.
Given how 'hands-off'he is, and that he's saying things like he can't see them in the week as he needs to rest then EOW and maybe a midweek tea at his (if he wants it) would be completely reasonable. It's important for your relationship with the kids to have weekend downtime with them too, not just the slog of school runs, homework etc through the week.

He refuses to see them in the week at all, won't even speak to them on the phone! Before he moved out I was working weekend nights at the hospital and it continued as I didn't think there would be a problem. I'm moving onto bank now so I can choose my shifts to suit.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 17:46

saffronsoup · 07/09/2023 17:12

I would get it changed to every other weekend given he isn’t really using his time but being bored or going to grand aren’t legitimate reasons to not go. If dad did a lot with them every weekend he would be slated for being a Disney dad. Most people think dads weekends should be boring and mundane. And spending time with grandparents / having childcare is acceptable dying custody time.

I had no issue at first with them seeing gran but uncalled for very nasty messages does not inspire me with confidence. Sleeping arrangements are poor as well. I would accept one weekend night out but both I think is unreasonable for a father. I can't force them to go but only wish they would mediate!

OP posts:
Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 17:47

StillWantingADog · 07/09/2023 17:17

its not really on to send a 9/10 year old against her will. His request to have them every weekend is unreasonable and i'd suggest once a month. Unfortunately as others have said you can't dictate what he does when he has them.

To be honest, it worked like that because I work both weekend nights. I'm changing to bank nursing now so will choose the shifts and offer him EOW with some adjustments.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 07/09/2023 17:48

This happened to someone I know as well! Dad off out and having a great time. His Sister babysits, WTF! Makes me mad .Honestly what is the point .Anyway agree that you could go EOW and if he doesnt want the weekday night tough! Seems hard going on his Mum too if shes disabled .

StillWantingADog · 07/09/2023 17:49

Good

MeridianB · 07/09/2023 17:50

EOW is better but do they need to sleep there? He could pick them up for a few hours each day, visit his mother with them.

That way they get to see him but don’t get dumped in front of TV and poor sleep set-up at grans.

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 17:51

BoohooWoohoo · 07/09/2023 17:00

Do you work Monday to Friday too?
Every other weekend is a popular routine so that kids get time with each parent. No court would force you to give up every weekend because that's the only time for quality time with you and your side of the family. If he won't see the kids on weekdays then he will be halving his access and not you.

I'm not taking his side but the court wouldn't say that he can't outsource childcare to his mother. I suspect that she is why he sees them for an hour a week.

If he is money orientated, then offer him a day every other weekend but allow him to pay child maintenance as if he's having one overnight a fortnight. MIL will look after them but it wouldn't be overnight.

Your dd needs to be older before she can dictate how often she has contact with dad (and therefore MIL)

No, I have worked weekend nights for 2 years. I'm changing over to bank now to choose my shifts. He was adamant he wasn't giving up his nights out. One is ok but not two is it! Oldest is 10 at the end of the month and believe me, she knows her own mind and last weekend refused to go. Younger one won't go without her and is a very emotional child so forcing would be awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 17:57

MeridianB · 07/09/2023 16:30

I agree with PP who believes this has been arranged for the benefit of your ex MIL. Does she spend quality time with them when they go there?

You say she is hostile to you, so it doesn't sound like you'd be keen to support time with her directly?

Helpful to remember than contact is purely for the benefit of the children - so not for your ex and not for his mum.

I would stop sending them - they don't want to go and are barely seeing their father, unless he's hungover. I wouldn't want him driving them anywhere, either.

He can take you to court to regain contact if he wants it. If you think he's likely to do this then it's worth noting down dates and info so you have it to hand.

She just puts the tv on and leaves them to it. She is disabled and can't walk very far be fair. She has always been a bit unpleasant, some interference etc but these text messages are horrid. I haven't responded.
I mentioned him drinking but he says by midday its worn off. Its really hard to negotiate with him and find solutions.

OP posts:
Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 17:58

YABU

Unfortunately, he can do whatever he likes with them whilst they’re in his care, just like your mum can look after them for you.

Its not been very long so I would expect the ex MIL is soon going to get very fed up with the arrangement and things will change.

EOW is better for everyone but then you are doing 75% of the childcare which isn’t really fair.

I’d probably keep it as it is for a couple of weeks and wait for him to ask to have them EOW instead.
Then you can compromise and say he needs to have them twice during the week or something.

I would give them a backpack each of things they can take to keep them entertained like a board game, colouring book, skipping rope etc.

ItstimeToMoveagain · 07/09/2023 18:02

Just offer him every other Saturday night and see if he bothers going to court for more

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 18:09

Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 17:58

YABU

Unfortunately, he can do whatever he likes with them whilst they’re in his care, just like your mum can look after them for you.

Its not been very long so I would expect the ex MIL is soon going to get very fed up with the arrangement and things will change.

EOW is better for everyone but then you are doing 75% of the childcare which isn’t really fair.

I’d probably keep it as it is for a couple of weeks and wait for him to ask to have them EOW instead.
Then you can compromise and say he needs to have them twice during the week or something.

I would give them a backpack each of things they can take to keep them entertained like a board game, colouring book, skipping rope etc.

I would have to dig my mother up if I wanted her to provide childcare....
Eldest won't go and would literally have to be dragged to the car. Youngest is very emotional and won't go without eldest. Forcing her would cause all sorts of issues. Just not an option.

OP posts:
saffronsoup · 07/09/2023 18:12

nursei · 07/09/2023 17:46

I had no issue at first with them seeing gran but uncalled for very nasty messages does not inspire me with confidence. Sleeping arrangements are poor as well. I would accept one weekend night out but both I think is unreasonable for a father. I can't force them to go but only wish they would mediate!

Show quote history

Well no wonder your kids don’t want to go given your misandrist belief that fathers should only see their children one day a week and any more than that is unreasonable. Courts award fathers 50/50 all the time. They aren’t going to look too kindly on your disdain for fathers. He should go to court given your sexist views.