Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad not looking after kids properly

101 replies

nursei · 07/09/2023 15:59

Hi all. My ex husband and me split up a month ago due to his unreasonable behaviour. We have 2 daughters 6 and 9. He is renting a 2 bed house. For the last month the girls have been going to dads weekends. My 9 year old told me a week ago these are the arrangements: dad goes out fri night - girls stay with their gran overnight, He picks them up at 12 on sat and has them for 3 hours. Drops them back off at grans (leaves them there) and goes out again sat night picking up sunday at 12 and has them for 3 hours again. He then drops them back to me. He only takes them to the park for about an hour on sunday but on his phone apparently. Both daughters say they are bored and don't want to go. Attempted to speak to dad but he just says he can do what he wants as they are in his care and girls are safe. I said its not acceptable and tried to discuss him being there more. He wasn't having it so girls did not go last weekend ( all agreed with them). He is threatening to take me to court for custody and I have had nasty messages of MIL. What do you think?

OP posts:
MeridianB · 07/09/2023 16:30

I agree with PP who believes this has been arranged for the benefit of your ex MIL. Does she spend quality time with them when they go there?

You say she is hostile to you, so it doesn't sound like you'd be keen to support time with her directly?

Helpful to remember than contact is purely for the benefit of the children - so not for your ex and not for his mum.

I would stop sending them - they don't want to go and are barely seeing their father, unless he's hungover. I wouldn't want him driving them anywhere, either.

He can take you to court to regain contact if he wants it. If you think he's likely to do this then it's worth noting down dates and info so you have it to hand.

Needmorelego · 07/09/2023 16:30

So they are mostly with their Gran. Do they like their Gran? Is she looking after them ok? Making sure they are fed, clean, somewhere sensible to sleep etc?
If that's all yes then I would try to get on the good sign of ex-mil. Develop a good relationship with her - for the sake your girls.
He will either up his act - or become more deadbeat but if your girls have a stable and happy relationship with their Gran then that's good if he isn't the stable one.

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 16:30

OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 07/09/2023 16:22

You have all the exact timings...how? Also, he was on his phone, you were digging to get that info

Did you say 'aww were you bored? Nothing to do?' Planting it in their heads

Can't imagine kids of 6 and 9 saying all what you claim, unprompted

Clearly you don't have a precocious 9 year old, nearly 10. Of course she will tell me that she's unhappy with things and naturally I will ask her questions about what's going on. Kids notice that they aren't getting enough attention....I have no interest in what he's doing except when it comes to the girls. Its called being a good parent...

OP posts:
BluebellsForest · 07/09/2023 16:31

OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 07/09/2023 16:22

You have all the exact timings...how? Also, he was on his phone, you were digging to get that info

Did you say 'aww were you bored? Nothing to do?' Planting it in their heads

Can't imagine kids of 6 and 9 saying all what you claim, unprompted

Jesus, you've got quite the agenda.

Got a Superman suit under your bed?

BingoandBlueyForever · 07/09/2023 16:32

For now I’d insist on every other weekend so that you have down time with the kids too. Suggest splitting school holidays if he wants more contact time than that. Don’t bother criticizing his (lack of) parenting to his face, it’ll just make him defensive.
If MIL lives nearby and finances allow, you could suggest a regular Saturday morning activity/sport that the girls could do every week so they’d be less bored. Ok it with MIL (suggest girls might enjoy it/it will be good for them) and your ex before shelling out fees for it though.

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 16:32

Needmorelego · 07/09/2023 16:30

So they are mostly with their Gran. Do they like their Gran? Is she looking after them ok? Making sure they are fed, clean, somewhere sensible to sleep etc?
If that's all yes then I would try to get on the good sign of ex-mil. Develop a good relationship with her - for the sake your girls.
He will either up his act - or become more deadbeat but if your girls have a stable and happy relationship with their Gran then that's good if he isn't the stable one.

MIL is not a very nice lady unfortunately. She does take care of them but they don't have a lot to do and are sat in front of the tv.

OP posts:
Potentialmadcatlady · 07/09/2023 16:36

In that case send them with a wee rucksack of activities get can do while sitting in front of tv- colouring in, diamond art etc- at least that way they won’t be so bored.

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 16:36

BluebellsForest · 07/09/2023 16:31

Jesus, you've got quite the agenda.

Got a Superman suit under your bed?

Show quote history

Bloody hell, it's not me that's the bad guy here! A girl of nearly 10 knows how to tell the time etc and generally what is going on. She speaks up if unhappy. You sound bloody horrible and I'm sorry you have a sad life that you feel the need to lash out at others and not see their side.

OP posts:
millymog11 · 07/09/2023 16:37

Let me tell you OP, whether or not you think what happens to your children whilst they are with their Dad is good enough or otherwise, the UK family courts will simply ask themselves basic questions along the lines of

  • are your kids in physical danger (i.e. does he hit them or abuse them)?
  • are your kids being neglected (i.e. are they being left on their own)?
If the answer to both of those questions is no, then the courts literally do not care what happens to your kids and their father will get them on the minimum basis indicated by other posters. This is totally irrespective of (i) whether he pays any money towards their keep or not and (ii) whether he is reliable in the times he has them or not (eg whether he cancels at the last minute) the courts will not care. The UK family courts are only there to try to make sure that kids are not literally being demonstrably abused and then try to make sure the state do not bear too much of a burden in terms of the cost of looking after kids. Nothing else.
BluebellsForest · 07/09/2023 16:37

Think you mean my that reply to Midnighttrain, OP?

Sureaseggs44 · 07/09/2023 16:38

You said his mother sent unprovoked nasty messages , but she is still their grandmother and sees you as threatening her contact . Unfortunately until the children are old enough in the eyes of the law to make their own decisions then you have to think about this legally and not morally . It’s hard .

maddening · 07/09/2023 16:39

Is it every weekend or every other weekend?

Plutonium7000 · 07/09/2023 16:39

My 9 year old would also be able to tell me all this info unprompted.

As I understand it, you only have to make the children available for him. If he comes to collect them and they refuse to go....you're doing nothing wrong. And how can you force a 10 year old to go anyway, surely that is physically impossible? He needs to put the work in to encourage them to come with him.

Apologies if I am wrong.

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 16:43

Potentialmadcatlady · 07/09/2023 16:36

In that case send them with a wee rucksack of activities get can do while sitting in front of tv- colouring in, diamond art etc- at least that way they won’t be so bored.

I hear what you are saying and they are sent with things to do but MIL is disabled and can't do anything with them. She lives on a main road and it's a small bungalow with 1 bedroom and tiny outside space. Kids are on sofa or camp bed. Personally, an hour at the park is not good enough really when he can do so much more.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 16:44

maddening · 07/09/2023 16:39

Is it every weekend or every other weekend?

Every weekend.

OP posts:
OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 07/09/2023 16:46

As I said in my first post.....it's early days yet

He's had how many contact weekends? 3 so far?

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 07/09/2023 16:47

My line in the sand has always been that I will not force the kids to go. I will encourage, but I will not force. I will not damage my relationship with the children because ex is such a poor parent that the kids don't want to see him.

Through careful listening, and persuading, and by getting the youngest a phone to use and proving that I will always answer when he calls, and come and get him if he needs me to, I've managed to get them both visiting once a fortnight, although they won't do overnights.

His contact time is for him to manage - do you have a court order now? If not, make the kids available, let him try and persuade them, but make it clear you won't force, and let him take you to court. I'm not saying that you'll win at all, but by putting the onus on him to make the effort, you discover if he is actually prepared to make the effort.

Ditto grandparents. My exMIL doesn't bother to contact the kids, so they don't bother to contact her. My mum and dad do, so they do. Not my responsibility to manage another adults communications.

GingerIsBest · 07/09/2023 16:47

nursei · 07/09/2023 16:20

Not dictating but had a reasonable discussion with him explaining that children don't want to be stuck at their grans with nothing to do for a lot of the contact time. They made it clear they would rather be here. He didn't help out with children before so he's not going to now.

Show quote history

you've only answered part of my question. I completely get it - there is NOTHING more infuriating than a useless man, being useless parent, and not being able to do anything about it.

As I and others have said - it's ridiculous this is every weekend. EOW is more than enough in a situation like this and I am certain that no court would insist that he got weekends because "he's tired during the week" if he did take you to court. So the first thing you CAN do, is swap to making this a fortnightly, rather than weekly, thing.

What about the playdate/activity thing? You said their grandmother can't take them, but if you set it up, would he? Eg drop them at a friend for a playdate or party or whatever? Never mind anything else, I can't understand why that issue hasn't come up already - at this age, mine constantly seem to have/had things on at the weekends and neither one of them is one of the super popular kids so I imagine there's even more for children who are.

GingerIsBest · 07/09/2023 16:49

His contact time is for him to manage - do you have a court order now? If not, make the kids available, let him try and persuade them, but make it clear you won't force, and let him take you to court. I'm not saying that you'll win at all, but by putting the onus on him to make the effort, you discover if he is actually prepared to make the effort.

This is good advice too - so whether you do my EOW suggestion or stop completely, @ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere is right that he will need to do the work to make it happen.

x2boys · 07/09/2023 16:51

nursei · 07/09/2023 16:24

I'll move out the country first before putting them through that!

Show quote history

You only split a month ago and you say you would leave the country that's extreme!

maddening · 07/09/2023 16:51

I would suggest every other weekend if I were you - and a court would support that imo if he took it that far.

Primproperpenny · 07/09/2023 16:54

What a total waste of 2/7 of those girls’ lives! He clearly can’t be arsed and gran clearly isn’t able to do lots with them. Those poor children must know they’re just being tolerated by gran and their DF couldn’t care less. Horrendous.

Keep them with you, OP. He sounds like he won’t do much about it anyway. Or you could run off to Cyprus, as per the BBC news article earlier in the week!

HermioneWeasley · 07/09/2023 16:54

Echo the others saying offer EOW and an overnight or two during the week. If he doesn’t want weekday contact that’s on him. Courts very unlikely to award every weekend so no point him going for that

LittleOwl153 · 07/09/2023 16:54

I would respond to the threat of court that he can have every other weekend Friday from School to Monday morning school drop. I would also offer him Wednesday from school to return to you at 8pm. However I would state that you have first refusal if he needs to leave them with any form of childcare - including his mother.

Tbh if ex-mil is disabled and struggles with them then SHE will likely jump at this as she gets them for tea once a week without all the weekend responsibility.

No court will give him every weekend unless you work all weekend and request this. Extended the weekend means you are offering 3 nights as opposed to the current 4 in a fortnight but the weekend tea makes up for this is usable time. The first refusal is also common.

MsMarch · 07/09/2023 16:55

was he controlling and emotionally abusive? Because I'm interested in the fact that one month after separating, he seems to get the contact time he wants, without much care for what you/the DC want.

Controlling and abusive men often use the process of splitting up, and arranging childcare arrangements, as another way to control and manipulate their exPs. So you should try to stop that now. You cannot change what he does - you wouldn't be breaking up if he was the sort to adapt to your requests/preferences - so you can only change how you react. In this case, bt not agreeing with his unreasonable requests to have the DDs every weekend, all weekend.

Swipe left for the next trending thread