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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad not looking after kids properly

101 replies

nursei · 07/09/2023 15:59

Hi all. My ex husband and me split up a month ago due to his unreasonable behaviour. We have 2 daughters 6 and 9. He is renting a 2 bed house. For the last month the girls have been going to dads weekends. My 9 year old told me a week ago these are the arrangements: dad goes out fri night - girls stay with their gran overnight, He picks them up at 12 on sat and has them for 3 hours. Drops them back off at grans (leaves them there) and goes out again sat night picking up sunday at 12 and has them for 3 hours again. He then drops them back to me. He only takes them to the park for about an hour on sunday but on his phone apparently. Both daughters say they are bored and don't want to go. Attempted to speak to dad but he just says he can do what he wants as they are in his care and girls are safe. I said its not acceptable and tried to discuss him being there more. He wasn't having it so girls did not go last weekend ( all agreed with them). He is threatening to take me to court for custody and I have had nasty messages of MIL. What do you think?

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 07/09/2023 18:12

I think you need to back off and let the kids see the dad without your input. It’s his time . The precocious/rude 9 year old is too young to be dictating her schedule and ruling the roasts, how much is she regurgitating from your loud opinions ?

Letsbe · 07/09/2023 18:20

It must be very hard for all of you and it is very new. The unfortunate thing is you choose each other and that sounds like a mistake. Now you both have to make the best of it for the children.

Maybe try and approach him when you feel less angry and talk about how you both sort contact out for the childrens sake.

OnGoldenPond · 07/09/2023 18:27

Potentialmadcatlady · 07/09/2023 16:27

I would change it to every other weekend with offer of teatime mid week ( so not too long between seeing them). This will be seen as reasonable by the courts as it means you get ‘fun time’ with them too. If you set a precedent of every weekend then it’s harder to get it changed.

This sounds a good idea as in practice he won't get himself organised to take them midweek so the time they need to spend with him is effectively halved, though the court will be satisfied with what you are offering.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your eldest and spell out that if they refuse to see their father at all they risk you being found guilty of stopping contact and your ex might get awarded residency (which would no doubt involve dumping them at their gran's). At the age of nine they should be able to understand this.

ItstimeToMoveagain · 07/09/2023 18:30

Cut it down to 1 night a fortnight and Stop letting a 9 year old dictate to you

Beautiful3 · 07/09/2023 18:31

I certainly would not be forcing my children to go with their dad. If they don't want to go, they stay with me. Why doesn't he want to spend time with them? They are bored and unhappy.

Sirzy · 07/09/2023 18:33

ItstimeToMoveagain · 07/09/2023 18:30

Cut it down to 1 night a fortnight and Stop letting a 9 year old dictate to you

I think this is sensible

Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 18:46

ItstimeToMoveagain · 07/09/2023 18:30

Cut it down to 1 night a fortnight and Stop letting a 9 year old dictate to you

I agree with this.

Your kids don’t get to decide whether they see their parent or not because they’re kids.

If they decided to not see you anymore and live with their dad FT then you would be unhappy and think they should be forced to visit you.

It’s only been a month.
It is still very raw for you and your girls are still dealing with the separation.
It’s very important that they have rules and boundaries right now as that is what they need and they do not need you being negative about their dad or gran (even if inside you are so angry).

Greensleeves · 07/09/2023 18:49

@saffronsoup you've misread OP's post. She wasn't saying he should only have them for one night a week, she was saying that he shouldn't go out and leave them with Gran on both nights when he has them.

Schoolchoicesucks · 07/09/2023 18:49

Did he used to go out Fri & Sat nights when you were together and you were working nightshifts? Who looked after the DC then?

EOW and a midweek evening is more than reasonable and your daughters are likely to be more willing to go too. But that won't work for you with your current nightshifts. If you can change to bank shifts in the week and weekend shifts EOW when he has the children that would be better for you all.

It's only been a few weeks so I'd not take it as a sign it will always be like this. Agreeing a pattern and then he knows he has EOW to go out and EOW he should be spending time with the children I'd hope he does better.

Scatterbrainbox · 07/09/2023 18:51

She's not talking about all fathers. She is talking about her children's father who is actively choosing to be a very hands off parent. Forcing the children into spending every weekend with him, or not him, his disabled mum, is not in their interests.
If we were talking about a hands on dad, whose children enjoyed being in his care, nobody would be suggesting EOW.

Edit: meant to quote the post talking about misandry.

Sirzy · 07/09/2023 18:54

If necessary even if you change your shifts for a while I wouldn’t tell the children so they can get used to going because you need to work that night. Means they haven’t got an “out” before they have had a chance to properly get into the new routine

saffronsoup · 07/09/2023 19:00

Greensleeves · 07/09/2023 18:49

@saffronsoup you've misread OP's post. She wasn't saying he should only have them for one night a week, she was saying that he shouldn't go out and leave them with Gran on both nights when he has them.

Oh you are right. I did misread it. My apologies.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 07/09/2023 19:00

Well no wonder your kids don’t want to go given your misandrist belief that fathers should only see their children one day a week and any more than that is unreasonable. Courts award fathers 50/50 all the time. They aren’t going to look too kindly on your disdain for fathers. He should go to court given your sexist views.

Oh dear bit embarrassing to demonstrate such poor comprehension skills.

OP said "one night out" as in dad going out one night at the weekend when he's taking care of his children. That she could accept that but not him going out both night.

OP would clearly love their dad to want to see her daughters more, she's offered midweek, was agreeable to every weekend. She want him to spend the time with them. She doesn't want them dumped on her ex-MiL while their dad goes out on the piss all weekend and the poor kids have had to give up activities and are left bored all weekend.

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 19:02

saffronsoup · 07/09/2023 18:12

Well no wonder your kids don’t want to go given your misandrist belief that fathers should only see their children one day a week and any more than that is unreasonable. Courts award fathers 50/50 all the time. They aren’t going to look too kindly on your disdain for fathers. He should go to court given your sexist views.

Show quote history

What the hell are you on about lol!
I want him to spend adequate time with them and not farm them off to his mother for the majority of the weekend. Where did I say I only expected him to see them one day a week?? He doesn't bother at all with them in the week even though the option is there. He won't even take their calls. You're bloody nuts!

OP posts:
Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 19:04

nursei · 07/09/2023 19:02

What the hell are you on about lol!
I want him to spend adequate time with them and not farm them off to his mother for the majority of the weekend. Where did I say I only expected him to see them one day a week?? He doesn't bother at all with them in the week even though the option is there. He won't even take their calls. You're bloody nuts!

Show quote history

Sorry saffronsoup - that was meant for other person.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 19:06

RocketsMagnificent7 · 07/09/2023 19:00

Well no wonder your kids don’t want to go given your misandrist belief that fathers should only see their children one day a week and any more than that is unreasonable. Courts award fathers 50/50 all the time. They aren’t going to look too kindly on your disdain for fathers. He should go to court given your sexist views.

Oh dear bit embarrassing to demonstrate such poor comprehension skills.

OP said "one night out" as in dad going out one night at the weekend when he's taking care of his children. That she could accept that but not him going out both night.

OP would clearly love their dad to want to see her daughters more, she's offered midweek, was agreeable to every weekend. She want him to spend the time with them. She doesn't want them dumped on her ex-MiL while their dad goes out on the piss all weekend and the poor kids have had to give up activities and are left bored all weekend.

What the hell are you on about lol!
I want him to spend adequate time with them and not farm them off to his mother for the majority of the weekend. Where did I say I only expected him to see them one day a week?? He doesn't bother at all with them in the week even though the option is there. He won't even take their calls. You're bloody nuts and comprehension is not your strongpoint as saffronsoup said!

OP posts:
Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 19:09

Pumpkinpie1 · 07/09/2023 18:12

I think you need to back off and let the kids see the dad without your input. It’s his time . The precocious/rude 9 year old is too young to be dictating her schedule and ruling the roasts, how much is she regurgitating from your loud opinions ?

What loud opinions? They don't want to go because they don't want to be stuck at their gran's all week! Nothing to do with me, she brought it up. So are you suggesting my 9 year old is not entitled to an opinion of where she wants to go? Should she be dragged to the car? Should a sensitive 6 year old? Get a grip.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 19:13

Letsbe · 07/09/2023 18:20

It must be very hard for all of you and it is very new. The unfortunate thing is you choose each other and that sounds like a mistake. Now you both have to make the best of it for the children.

Maybe try and approach him when you feel less angry and talk about how you both sort contact out for the childrens sake.

Not been angry with him at all. I'm resigned to his behaviour now and my call to him was very reasonable making suggestions that he dismissed. Didn't come up with any of his own. I can be as reasonable as I like but if he won't listen that's not my fault. I've tried and it doesn't work. Some people are just not reasonable and selfish to boot. That person is not me.

OP posts:
RocketsMagnificent7 · 07/09/2023 19:13

What the hell are you on about lol!
I want him to spend adequate time with them and not farm them off to his mother for the majority of the weekend. Where did I say I only expected him to see them one day a week?? He doesn't bother at all with them in the week even though the option is there. He won't even take their calls. You're bloody nuts and comprehension is not your strongpoint as saffronsoup said!

No idea what you think I said OP. I was correcting another poster who accused you of misandry. I quite clearly said you have offered lots of contact. Please read my post again, you've mixed me up with saffronsoup.

YukoandHiro · 07/09/2023 19:14

"I'll move out the country first before putting them through that!"

@nursei I understand how fed up you must feel but legally you wouldn't be able to do that without his permission.

You need a good lawyer. Do you have one?

Original poster
nursei · 07/09/2023 19:17

Schoolchoicesucks · 07/09/2023 18:49

Did he used to go out Fri & Sat nights when you were together and you were working nightshifts? Who looked after the DC then?

EOW and a midweek evening is more than reasonable and your daughters are likely to be more willing to go too. But that won't work for you with your current nightshifts. If you can change to bank shifts in the week and weekend shifts EOW when he has the children that would be better for you all.

It's only been a few weeks so I'd not take it as a sign it will always be like this. Agreeing a pattern and then he knows he has EOW to go out and EOW he should be spending time with the children I'd hope he does better.

Only very occasionally, he stayed in mostly. I think he's looking at himself as a single man now and having freedom.
I'm moving to bank now but daytime work mainly in the week. If they are not going to their dads I have to be at home and awake.

OP posts:
BathingBeauty · 07/09/2023 19:27

I’d totally reduced to EOW and offer a night in the week, his problem if he doesn’t want to take that up. Send it by text and keep a copy. It’s a reasonable request.

Do you think he would actually go to court for access. He sounds fairly lazy about the whole thing. I know you want him to be active and involved but you can’t make him, no point trying. Just offer access and leave it at that. I’d be tempted to change the weekend access to a single night, not like he’s seeing them on the Friday night anyway.

MeridianB · 07/09/2023 19:32

It sounds like your 9yo sees that her father's priority is going out drinking and then sleeping off his hangovers, instead of being with her and her sister.

So her decision not to bother going is totally understandable.

BoohooWoohoo · 07/09/2023 19:59

I think that you've had some very unfair replies.

It's good that you've moved to bank work so that weekend visits are reduced.

I also think that your dd is not unreasonable to want her dad present at contact. Not only does the sleeping arrangements sound awful at MIL's
noise but it sounds dull and too long. Considering her nasty messages to you, I would be wondering if she knows exactly what granny thinks about OP which is not a house that a child is going to want to visit.

If you went to court then dad would get contact and would be allowed to use his mum as childcare. As he's only wanting weekends then the max he'd get was every other weekend. Once dd1 is 12ish then she'd legally be able to stop going but dd2 would be expected to attend.

Ghostjail · 07/09/2023 20:05

Go every other weekend. You should be doing this anyway. The children deserve to have good quality time with both of their parents.

Find a mediator who does Child Inclusive Mediation. They will use informal art play therapy techniques to get your children's views and then will feed them back to both you and your ex. You can use a mediator to take some of the heat out of this and come up with a parenting plan including a contact arrangement that suits everyone.

If you or he attempts to go to court you will be directed to mediation anyway. So get in their first.

There is nothing wrong with him going out occasionally but it's really not ok for the children to be left with a disabled grandmother who has neither the capacity or the inclination to entertain them all weekend, every weekend.