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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Work from home conflict!

94 replies

iwiwagahsahaf87 · 06/09/2023 09:39

I'm seeking perspective on if I'm in the wrong here.

My husbands employer allows staff to work from home if they chose with the option to go into the office. He choses to work from home. I work in the NHS and do shift work (12 hour days/nights/weekends). We live in a tiny flat, it is impossible to keep his work separate from home life.

I constantly hear all his calls, he works from the table in the kitchen/living room meaning if I want to cook/make a hot drink etc... I am in view and he has to turn off his camera and he gets annoyed. The line of sight from the table is direct through the living room door, the hallway and through to the bathroom door, meaning if I come out the shower and the living room door has been left open (our dog can open it) I am again in view. When I come off a night shift and am trying to sleep even with both the bedroom and living room doors closed I can hear his work calls. I can't relax in my own home and it is having a massive impact on my mental health I am being reduced to tears at this point . It's also been very damaging to our relationship we are constantly on top of one another and I really value my space.

I have brought this up over and over again and have asked him to go into the office on the days between night shifts. It always ends in a massive row. He claims I just want rid of him and don't want him around. I find this a very bizarre reaction as I have made it very clear that its the blurring between work and home life I don't like and the impact its having on my sleep and ability to relax in my own home.

He claims waking up early for the hour commute is tiering. I find this insulting as I am up early for my 12 hour day shifts. He takes massive offence to me simply asking for hybrid working as a compromise which I think is fair. He says I make him feel like s**t for making it clear I "don't want him working here" I have explained relentlessly that its not about him its about needing space at home and he literally storms off in a sulk. What an earth is the explanation for this reaction? I've asked for a compromise and he gets so defensive and accuses me of wanting rid of him...

He has been in a mood for days now because we got into a massive argument about it. He really feels sorry for himself as if I'm being cruel and unkind.
Is anyone else's partners like this. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

PinkRoses1245 · 06/09/2023 09:42

You are definitely not being unreasonable. he's being an idiot. he sounds awful. He should definitely go to the office on those days you have night shifts. How would he like it if you made phone calls all night when he's trying to sleep.

2chocolateoranges · 06/09/2023 09:47

He needs to go to the office for some days, you have no privacy if he is working from home and on camera at times.

he is being unreasonable.

I can remember doing college work from home (during lockdowns) and being on camera sitting in the kitchen with everyone in using the kettle, looking for food in the fridge, making things to eat and going in and out the back door. It wasn’t easy but I had no where else to work. Everyone else was sick of tip toeing around me.

Muhwanda · 06/09/2023 09:52

Can you move to a bigger place if this is a permanent thing? I don’t know how you can solve this? He should definitely be trying to sit so he minimises disruption to you though, or at least a back ground blur would help. I can see both of your perspectives and I just don’t think you’ll solve it as is.

backinthebox · 06/09/2023 09:52

I’ve just finished a night shift. I started work at 7pm yesterday. DH is in the office below our bedroom on a conference call with a loud colleague. I may commit violence if I don’t get any sleep soon! So I feel your pain.

Whaleandsnail6 · 06/09/2023 09:57

I think what you suggested of him going to the office between your night shifts is a perfect compromise.

I understand him not wanting to permanently add on a commute if he has the option of home working if it is your day off/you are on days at work but its not fair if he is keeping you awake when you need to sleep for work.

CrackedChina · 06/09/2023 09:58

Your home is too small for it to function as an office as well. You need to find a place with a spare bedroom that can be used as an office or he needs to go into work. Although he sounds like the sort to still take over the living area even with a spare room, while you have to act invisible.

PuttingDownRoots · 06/09/2023 09:59

Sounds like you live in his office rather than he works from home.

The current set up isn't working. You need either a bigger place with better soundproofing or he needs to go to the office some days.

InBedBy10 · 06/09/2023 09:59

YANBU and your dp sounds extremely selfish.

Stop tip toeing around him when he's working. Make it clear this is your home not his office. Maybe if you disrupt him enough (the same way he's disrupting you) he'll finally get the message and agree to compromise with the hybrid working.

How good is the rest of the relationship? If he refuses to budge on this you may have to consider moving out.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 06/09/2023 10:01

What's going on is he's a selfish twunt.

His desire to have extra time in bed and be near his own kettle is more important to him than you getting a full 'nights' sleep, having privacy and space in your own home.

He's presumably not a complete idiot, and knows making a constant racket when someone else is trying to sleep is not acceptable. He's just decided he doesn't care. I'd be asking him in tiny tiny words why that is, and how he sees your relationship progressing if he continues with his current behaviour.

OvaHere · 06/09/2023 10:04

I really feel for you OP. YANBU. This sort of set up is not sustainable unless you have a big enough property and a clear separation of living and work space.

During lockdown when nobody had a choice it was what it was but now it's not unreasonable at all that he works in the office some days to let you sleep after a night shift.

There's only 3 solutions to this outside of you just continuing to put up with it.

He starts doing some days in the office.
You move house.
You split up.

I suppose there is a fourth which is that you change jobs to one that doesn't include night/shift work but I'm hesitant to suggest that as it's just putting all the onus on you to work around him.

Medlady · 06/09/2023 10:07

bin him, please

what part of him is a ‘p’, let alone a ‘dp’?

it is all him

BeyondMyWits · 06/09/2023 10:08

My dh works from home a couple of days a week. We have a lounge/diner... 70s box house. He works at one end with his back to the wall. No possibility of camera seeing anything else. He can be a bit loud on the phone, but I shove on some headphones if I'm home, earplugs if I'm sleeping.

Housework goes on as and when (it is a home, not an office... so tough.) He'll let me know when important stuff is happening so I can do quiet stuff then.

Compromises have to be made, but he is being asked to make a simple compromise - and not even considering it? A big discussion needs to be had about it, telling him the stuff you have said here. The situation sounds too one sided.

ThCats · 06/09/2023 10:08

Why is he not using a web background so no one can see behind him on the calls? Zoom, Teams, Webex all have the ability to blur background or set a fake one. Most people on my calls do this.

He is deliberately setting you up here. I'm furious on your behalf as there's no way he doesn't know this.

PinkiOcelot · 06/09/2023 10:15

He’s a selfish twat. Spitting his dummy and causing a row so you’ll put up and shut up!

heldinadream · 06/09/2023 10:21

That is really awful for you. YANBU at all. The problem is he no longer wants to go to work/leave the house. This means you have to live in someone else's workplace! If you can't get him to see that this is what he's asking of you it might be ultimatum time - this changes or we split up. We take this to couples counselling or we split up.
He's not listening to you.

Singleandproud · 06/09/2023 10:22

Personally I would view this as him not caring or respecting me and I would be looking for a way out of the relationship ASAP. You asked him very reasonably by the sounds of it to do something that would make your life and well being better and he has just steam rolled over it and acting the victim, his one hour sleep is more important to him than you. Someone who loves and cares for you does not do this and I would find it very unattractive.

Ragwort · 06/09/2023 10:28

This is such issue with people working from home, some companies have strict rules about employees who WFH having a dedicated work place. I was sick to death of having to attend zoom calls from my place of work - a shop so clearly I couldn't work from home - and 'Head Office' people working from their kitchen table, looking after children, pets, answering the door, chatting to their DP etc etc and laughing it off - so unprofessional. And don't get me started when the randoms 'wave' or you have to admire their kitten/puppy/hamster. 😠

But yes, to answer the OP, your DH is being totally unreasonable and should return to the office.

123Squirrel · 06/09/2023 10:30

It's really unfair to be working in such a small flat when your needing to sleep from a nightshift, all so he can avoid a commute to the office and potentially he could work elsewhere locally but an hour each way isn't much. As others have said he could easily use a cam background or sit with a wall behind, so it seems he wants you to feel uncomfortable.

His reaction to your valid requests is awful and most people would automatically try to be considerate to partner in that situation anyway, it sounds like he'd prefer to live alone.

wutheringkites · 06/09/2023 10:32

He's taking the piss. He either needs to go to the office on days you're home or you need to find a place with an extra room.

Even then, I'd carefully consider if I wanted to be in a relationship with someone so selfish.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 06/09/2023 10:37

ThCats · 06/09/2023 10:08

Why is he not using a web background so no one can see behind him on the calls? Zoom, Teams, Webex all have the ability to blur background or set a fake one. Most people on my calls do this.

He is deliberately setting you up here. I'm furious on your behalf as there's no way he doesn't know this.

Yeah that's really odd, suspect behaviour.

Gilles27 · 06/09/2023 10:43

ThCats · 06/09/2023 10:08

Why is he not using a web background so no one can see behind him on the calls? Zoom, Teams, Webex all have the ability to blur background or set a fake one. Most people on my calls do this.

He is deliberately setting you up here. I'm furious on your behalf as there's no way he doesn't know this.

Also, I would hope he wears a headset so you are only hearing his side of any conversation?

fishonabicycle · 06/09/2023 10:45

Your partner is being massively selfish.

Itcanhappeninanysituation · 06/09/2023 10:49

My DH also WFHs since lockdown and I'm also work for NHS in stressful job. The WFH was never discussed and at times I do resent it. I never get my day of peace. His office is in our living room. His meetings are very annoying.

When I've worked night shifts: I need peace. He goes to the office/cafe to make calls. NOT in the office underneath our bedroom. This came about after I lost it during an annoying conference call. I was very tried and angry wife advising her DH to shut the f**K up or he'll be her patient in trauma with phone where th sun doesn't shine. He didn't do it again after this.

DH also blocks the background.

We ended up going up into the roof and I sleep there on my night shifts day but he still has to be quite during sleeping hours.

I would love for him to go to office on my days off. I haven't had a day at home alone for over 3 years.

maryberryslayers · 06/09/2023 10:51

Just stop pandering to him. Clatter around making tea and lunch, stroll past in your towel, put the tv on, just live as you normally would. If he moans tell him he can work in the office but you live here so don't have another option.

chillipod · 06/09/2023 11:04

He's a selfish prick.

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