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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Work from home conflict!

94 replies

iwiwagahsahaf87 · 06/09/2023 09:39

I'm seeking perspective on if I'm in the wrong here.

My husbands employer allows staff to work from home if they chose with the option to go into the office. He choses to work from home. I work in the NHS and do shift work (12 hour days/nights/weekends). We live in a tiny flat, it is impossible to keep his work separate from home life.

I constantly hear all his calls, he works from the table in the kitchen/living room meaning if I want to cook/make a hot drink etc... I am in view and he has to turn off his camera and he gets annoyed. The line of sight from the table is direct through the living room door, the hallway and through to the bathroom door, meaning if I come out the shower and the living room door has been left open (our dog can open it) I am again in view. When I come off a night shift and am trying to sleep even with both the bedroom and living room doors closed I can hear his work calls. I can't relax in my own home and it is having a massive impact on my mental health I am being reduced to tears at this point . It's also been very damaging to our relationship we are constantly on top of one another and I really value my space.

I have brought this up over and over again and have asked him to go into the office on the days between night shifts. It always ends in a massive row. He claims I just want rid of him and don't want him around. I find this a very bizarre reaction as I have made it very clear that its the blurring between work and home life I don't like and the impact its having on my sleep and ability to relax in my own home.

He claims waking up early for the hour commute is tiering. I find this insulting as I am up early for my 12 hour day shifts. He takes massive offence to me simply asking for hybrid working as a compromise which I think is fair. He says I make him feel like s**t for making it clear I "don't want him working here" I have explained relentlessly that its not about him its about needing space at home and he literally storms off in a sulk. What an earth is the explanation for this reaction? I've asked for a compromise and he gets so defensive and accuses me of wanting rid of him...

He has been in a mood for days now because we got into a massive argument about it. He really feels sorry for himself as if I'm being cruel and unkind.
Is anyone else's partners like this. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Jeannie88 · 06/09/2023 18:00

YANBU! I know there are so many benefits to wfh (commute, having to get dressed, doing chores during breaks etc) but I do find it sad as ultimately it's your home and unless you have a big house with a completely separate workspace it's a pain in the arse for the rest of the family.

I go out out to work and do extra at home from laptop but don't expect everyone else to tiptoe around. When part time during toddler years it was a nightmare stopping dc going to disturb Daddy, pressure to go out every day and be mindful as to return due to meetings.

First World problem, still so bloody annoying when they could actually go to office for even part of the week. Laziness and convenience for some really in this situation.

Redbrickrebel · 06/09/2023 18:02

Even if he reluctantly agreed to go elsewhere now, the office or a cafe, I could never forgive the months of selfishness and stubbornness, and the fact that he cares not one jot for your health and happiness.

A partner as self absorbed as this is not someone you really want to waste your life with.

I'd be making arrangements to move out to a friend's or family members.

Glittertwins · 06/09/2023 18:02

ManchesterGirl2 · 06/09/2023 17:57

This isn't fair on you. And I wouldn't be too happy as his employer either; if employees don't have a suitable home working space they ought to come into the office.

This totally!
If he choosing to WFH, then he should have dedicated working space and it sounds like you do not. I'm surprised his employer doesn't stipulate this.

Georgyporky · 06/09/2023 18:10

My DH has worked from home for years; his "office" is a desk in our one reception room, shifts are 24/7.
No cameras unless necessary, I get advance warning.
Headset, & he talks quietly.
He's considerate, so no problem. OP's partner is a selfish bastard.

SunRainStorm · 06/09/2023 18:15

Selfish prick.

You have every reason to want to be rid of him.

He should be going into the office part time at least, that's the reasonable compromise.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 06/09/2023 18:18

Selfish, lazy, gas lighter. Life would be so much nicer without him, at least he's right about that.

takemeupthealise · 06/09/2023 18:37

It is your and his home, not his office. Either he should go back to his office, or you should leave him and have your own nice, quiet sanctuary when you get back from work. There's nothing to suggest you have children, so leaving him would be relatively straightforward.

Curiosity101 · 06/09/2023 18:49

How would you feel if he used a headset and used a retractable/foldable room divider?

You'd still hear him speak but it'd only be one sided and the room divider could help muffle noise. The room divider would also solve the line of sight issue.

Your solution suits you and not him. His solution suits him but not you. There has to be an option for both of you.

I do agree with PPs that often WFH requires a designated space for it so maybe you could consider moving?

Could you also look at the floorplan (if moving isn't an option) and reconfigure somehow? Maybe if you share a floor plan people could recommend some other configurations?

I don't think YABU to be unhappy with the current arrangement. But your DH returning to the office may not be the only solution.

Shutuptrevor · 06/09/2023 18:54

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

Some suggestions for a compromise:

He works from home when you’re on a day shift
He works in the office after your night shifts
You get a stairgate to stop dog opening doors
You rearrange table so his webcam is not facing outwards
He sits on other side of table
You wear earplugs when trying to sleep

All of those work at all?

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2023 18:56

PuttingDownRoots · 06/09/2023 09:59

Sounds like you live in his office rather than he works from home.

The current set up isn't working. You need either a bigger place with better soundproofing or he needs to go to the office some days.

There's a third option...

He's showing no love, thought or consideration towards the OP.

What future is there?

manticlimactic0 · 06/09/2023 19:21

I have jumped straight to comment without reading any replies.

Has anyone said LTB? That would me my option.

Redavocadoes · 06/09/2023 19:25

He sounds very selfish.

Would he agree to find another place to work? Cafe, pub, library (I guess library doesn't work if he has to make calls)

BringOnSummerHolidays · 06/09/2023 19:30

YANBU. You have your privacy too. Both DH and I work from home. We extended last year so I have my own tiny office. DH has the spare bedroom. It is good to WFH if you have a good set up.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 06/09/2023 20:22

He is being extra selfish. You wouldn't be banging around the house, talking on the phone in the middle of the night whilst he's asleep, so he shouldn't be doing the same whilst you are sleeping, just because it's during the day.

There's nothing wrong f with needing space, it's healthy and he's using this as a way of getting what he wants - very manipulative

TedWilson · 06/09/2023 21:28

I can't even imagine how annoying this would be. My DH has dedicated office downstairs and I'm upstairs in spare room. He still pisses me off booming away as though he's got a live audience on a stage! He needs to -
1 - have a day or two in the office
2 - box himself off an area
3 - blue his background
4 - get some self awareness.

Herewe · 06/09/2023 21:30

In order to do your job efficiently you need proper sleep. Many People who do not need to sleep during the daytime have no idea what it’s like and someone who refuses to be considerate and go into an available office is showing no respect for your needs or welfare. I’d stamp around bang doors wear the most inappropriate things when in view, as he’s being totally unfair, but that’s because lack of proper sleep would send me over the edge. It’s torture! This wfh is so unfair on people without proper space and soundproofing.

DisforDarkChocolate · 06/09/2023 21:30

This is why my husband only does one day at home. My mental health is poor anyway, always feeling like you're in a work environment on your days off is hideous.

Zanatdy · 06/09/2023 21:35

You’re not unreasonable at all and it’s an easy cop out for him to put on this hurt impression so he doesn’t need to change. It’s really unfair when you’re in such a small flat and you can’t ever relax in your own home or probably even sleep properly when on nights. It’s a small compromise and he’s totally unreasonable if he won’t consider it. I’d be really annoyed if he got the hump with me trying to make my lunch etc as he’s trying to work. This is your home. I’m sure if the boot was on the other foot he would feel the same

FusionChefGeoff · 06/09/2023 21:53

I'd just start agreeing with his sulk "you just want to get rid of me". "YES I do, I am trying to sleep and you're making a racket bugger off"

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