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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work from home conflict!

94 replies

iwiwagahsahaf87 · 06/09/2023 09:39

I'm seeking perspective on if I'm in the wrong here.

My husbands employer allows staff to work from home if they chose with the option to go into the office. He choses to work from home. I work in the NHS and do shift work (12 hour days/nights/weekends). We live in a tiny flat, it is impossible to keep his work separate from home life.

I constantly hear all his calls, he works from the table in the kitchen/living room meaning if I want to cook/make a hot drink etc... I am in view and he has to turn off his camera and he gets annoyed. The line of sight from the table is direct through the living room door, the hallway and through to the bathroom door, meaning if I come out the shower and the living room door has been left open (our dog can open it) I am again in view. When I come off a night shift and am trying to sleep even with both the bedroom and living room doors closed I can hear his work calls. I can't relax in my own home and it is having a massive impact on my mental health I am being reduced to tears at this point . It's also been very damaging to our relationship we are constantly on top of one another and I really value my space.

I have brought this up over and over again and have asked him to go into the office on the days between night shifts. It always ends in a massive row. He claims I just want rid of him and don't want him around. I find this a very bizarre reaction as I have made it very clear that its the blurring between work and home life I don't like and the impact its having on my sleep and ability to relax in my own home.

He claims waking up early for the hour commute is tiering. I find this insulting as I am up early for my 12 hour day shifts. He takes massive offence to me simply asking for hybrid working as a compromise which I think is fair. He says I make him feel like s**t for making it clear I "don't want him working here" I have explained relentlessly that its not about him its about needing space at home and he literally storms off in a sulk. What an earth is the explanation for this reaction? I've asked for a compromise and he gets so defensive and accuses me of wanting rid of him...

He has been in a mood for days now because we got into a massive argument about it. He really feels sorry for himself as if I'm being cruel and unkind.
Is anyone else's partners like this. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Lurker85 · 06/09/2023 11:07

If you don’t leave him (which with that disgusting selfish attitude I would) then I would drive him into the office. Start doing housework really loudly around him. Walking out completely naked when he’s on important calls and playing loud music and singing along. A full rendition of Agadoo complete with dance moves whilst he’s on a call with his boss should seal the deal.

Nazzywish · 06/09/2023 11:07

maryberryslayers · 06/09/2023 10:51

Just stop pandering to him. Clatter around making tea and lunch, stroll past in your towel, put the tv on, just live as you normally would. If he moans tell him he can work in the office but you live here so don't have another option.

This! As soon as you do this he'll realise the need for compromise and actively try ti reach one. Atm your making it easy so why would he bother

pickledandpuzzled · 06/09/2023 11:09

maryberryslayers · 06/09/2023 10:51

Just stop pandering to him. Clatter around making tea and lunch, stroll past in your towel, put the tv on, just live as you normally would. If he moans tell him he can work in the office but you live here so don't have another option.

This, and also when you get up and go out and random times, stop making any effort to avoid disturbing him. If you are getting in or getting up while he's asleep, just turn on lights and rummage in cupboards.

If he complains throw a strip about how he doesn't want you around and so on.

Thewizardbinbag · 06/09/2023 11:10

Why are you trying to pacify him? When he starts on with, “oh, so you don’t want me here” why don’t you just say, “exactly, this is our home, not your office, I don’t want you working here when I’ve been on 12 hour shifts and need to sleep and relax. I want to shower without being caught on your camera, I want to use my kitchen whenever I want without being caught on your camera and have you huff at me for being in the way, you are exactly right, I want my home back, I don’t want to live in your office so no, I don’t want you here.”

Youre trying to pacify him and molly coddle him. Why? Just be blunt, tell him he is exactly right and you be the one to storm off and refuse to speak to him, not the other way around. He is the problem, but you’re acting as though you’re wrong every time you reassure him or pacify him and he is clinging onto that and running with it to try and make you feel bad. Don’t let him. You be the angry one, you be clear, you walk away from him.

subolooo · 06/09/2023 11:14

Can he wear headphones with a mic for his meetings and also blur the background or add a background picture so no one can see anything on the call other then him?

Rhythmisadancer · 06/09/2023 11:16

some jobs suit some wfh; some people have homes that are suitable for wfh. To wfh you need both, but your DH only has one of them, so sadly this is a perk of his job that he cannot take advantage of

emmylousings · 06/09/2023 11:18

Yanbu. At all. Your requests and suggestions are completely fine. He's being totally unreasonable, immature and disrespectful.

Colourfulponderings · 06/09/2023 11:20

You’ve explained reasonable and rationally. Now I would say I’m not going to make any more allowances. I’d watch tv with the sound up in view of his camera, make elaborate lunches, come out of the bathroom in a towel.

It will be awkward for you but he’ll feel awkward too and will be driven back to the office.

But that’s on a tactical level - more broadly you have the issue of a prick of a husband who doesn’t give a shit about your comfort.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 06/09/2023 11:21

ugh no i can't have my husband home the days I'm home - he used to do it - but i just decided that id leave our toddler to let herself in and out of the room he was working in and play football in the hall and blare wheels on the bus while we were playing ! he soon got fed up and goes to the office those days now

ZadocPDederick · 06/09/2023 11:22

InBedBy10 · 06/09/2023 09:59

YANBU and your dp sounds extremely selfish.

Stop tip toeing around him when he's working. Make it clear this is your home not his office. Maybe if you disrupt him enough (the same way he's disrupting you) he'll finally get the message and agree to compromise with the hybrid working.

How good is the rest of the relationship? If he refuses to budge on this you may have to consider moving out.

This. The flat is your home before it is his office. Therefore if he wants to work there he has to accommodate you, not vice versa. He has to put up with you using the kitchen/living room whenever you want, or having the radio and/or TV on, and if you are asleep he has to make sure the living room door is closed and limit calls to what is absolutely essential - if they are essential he has to keep his voice right down. If he doesn't like that, complain that he wants to get rid of you. And leave him to work out that he has an obvious alternative.

Daffodildilys · 06/09/2023 11:22

You have one selfish dh here. He prioritises a lie in and no commute over you getting a reasonable sleep.

Cyclebabble · 06/09/2023 11:24

Hi OP. We are now post Covid so he needs a more permanent arrangement. It is not reasonable that he constantly makes you feel unhappy in your own home. Can he not work out of the bedroom? I work in a number of places around the house and I have a ladder desk from I think the Futon Co which takes up no space at all.

YouveGotAFastCar · 06/09/2023 11:25

YANBU, OP. He doesn't live in a suitable place to work from home.

Why is he not using a web background so no one can see behind him on the calls? Zoom, Teams, Webex all have the ability to blur background or set a fake one. Most people on my calls do this.

Although the blur background on most of these fuck up if there's movement in the background; so I can see why he doesn't want to rely on that. I make sure I sit somewhere that nobody can move behind me, wherever I am, to stop that happening. It's distracting and I'd never count on it to hide whoever was there!

Delatron · 06/09/2023 11:25

He’s being selfish and not only that completely uncaring about your need to sleep after such long shifts. If you don’t want to leave him then as others have suggested- stop tiptoeing around him.

Do housework around him, wander around in a towel. Put the radio on loud. He needs to realise he either goes in to the office on your shift days or things are over really. This is not sustainable.

EvilElsa · 06/09/2023 11:28

I'd also stop creeping around and just live my life as if he wasn't there. Make drinks, put the TV on, answer phone calls, do the cleaning. It's a home, you have no options whereas he can actually go and use an office elsewhere. I'd also stop saying you don't want rid of him. Yes, you do. You want to go to sleep and relax, not listen to work calls and tiptoe around trying not to be on camera.

Mylovelygreendress · 06/09/2023 11:29

maryberryslayers · 06/09/2023 10:51

Just stop pandering to him. Clatter around making tea and lunch, stroll past in your towel, put the tv on, just live as you normally would. If he moans tell him he can work in the office but you live here so don't have another option.

100% this .

I simply wouldn’t tolerate this if there was an alternative. Selfish bastard.

MinnieGirl · 06/09/2023 11:29

Thewizardbinbag · 06/09/2023 11:10

Why are you trying to pacify him? When he starts on with, “oh, so you don’t want me here” why don’t you just say, “exactly, this is our home, not your office, I don’t want you working here when I’ve been on 12 hour shifts and need to sleep and relax. I want to shower without being caught on your camera, I want to use my kitchen whenever I want without being caught on your camera and have you huff at me for being in the way, you are exactly right, I want my home back, I don’t want to live in your office so no, I don’t want you here.”

Youre trying to pacify him and molly coddle him. Why? Just be blunt, tell him he is exactly right and you be the one to storm off and refuse to speak to him, not the other way around. He is the problem, but you’re acting as though you’re wrong every time you reassure him or pacify him and he is clinging onto that and running with it to try and make you feel bad. Don’t let him. You be the angry one, you be clear, you walk away from him.

This is just perfect….

His behaviour is really weird to be honest, but you need to start loosing your shit at this selfish git.

Is he selfish in everyday life? Because he really doesn’t sound like a man I would be wanting to spend my life with…

Summerslimtime · 06/09/2023 11:30

He claims I just want rid of him and don't want him around

Well yes! Exactly! You don't! You're being perfectly reasonable and he's actually being abusive by not letting you sleep. He shouldn't be taking over the whole flat at any time anyway. You need to move or split up. He doesn't sound very nice.

DrSbaitso · 06/09/2023 11:31

Why can't he use headphones and blur out his background?

Bananaanaana · 06/09/2023 11:32

I am assuming you are raising this in a kind and diplomatic manner. If so, why is he storming and huffing? This is the behaviour of an adolescent. Do you really want to be with a man who can’t communicate about something so simple? A practical solution would be for him to use a co-working space nearby. I agree with him that spending two hours each day commuting unnecessarily seems silly.

ZadocPDederick · 06/09/2023 11:35

I'm guessing you pay the same towards rent and bills as he does? If so, point out that that entitles you to a decent opportunity to sleep and use the entire flat in your free time.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/09/2023 11:37

he works from home you don’t home from his work

he needs to go to the office

Cheeesus · 06/09/2023 11:38

As above, why doesn’t he at least sit on the other side of the table/blur the background and wear headphones so you can get on without being on camera and worry about being noisy?

TenderDandelions · 06/09/2023 11:46

If the tables were turned and your work was preventing him from sleeping or there was a risk of him accidentally parading naked in front of your work colleagues, how would he feel? Bet he wouldn't like it.

If you were really petty you could start stomping around while he's sleeping and say "annoying isn't it??" when he complains.

PP post of you living in his workspace rather than him working from home really stood out to me.

Three points:

  1. Can he work from the other side of the table so his camera is pointed away from where you might be seen?
  2. Can you afford a bigger place where he could have a workspace in a second bedroom? (He'd still obviously have to reign in the volume of course)
  3. Tell him you can't live like this any more and you will be separating unless he starts respecting you.

YANBU OP

Dustybarn · 06/09/2023 12:11

When I WFH I share a study with my DH and I used background wallpaper (from the standard Teams menu) and a headset. Your DP is being a self centered brat. If he wants to WFH full time you will need to move to somewhere with a second bedroom (additional costs to be picked up by him from all that money he is saving on the commute). In the meanwhile, background and headset are basic courtesy, or just replace the DP with a smarter more tech savvy person.