Work from home conflict!

[iwiwagahsahaf87]

I'm seeking perspective on if I'm in the wrong here.

My husbands employer allows staff to work from home if they chose with the option to go into the office. He choses to work from home. I work in the NHS and do shift work (12 hour days/nights/weekends). We live in a tiny flat, it is impossible to keep his work separate from home life.

I constantly hear all his calls, he works from the table in the kitchen/living room meaning if I want to cook/make a hot drink etc... I am in view and he has to turn off his camera and he gets annoyed. The line of sight from the table is direct through the living room door, the hallway and through to the bathroom door, meaning if I come out the shower and the living room door has been left open (our dog can open it) I am again in view. When I come off a night shift and am trying to sleep even with both the bedroom and living room doors closed I can hear his work calls. I can't relax in my own home and it is having a massive impact on my mental health I am being reduced to tears at this point . It's also been very damaging to our relationship we are constantly on top of one another and I really value my space.

I have brought this up over and over again and have asked him to go into the office on the days between night shifts. It always ends in a massive row. He claims I just want rid of him and don't want him around. I find this a very bizarre reaction as I have made it very clear that its the blurring between work and home life I don't like and the impact its having on my sleep and ability to relax in my own home.

He claims waking up early for the hour commute is tiering. I find this insulting as I am up early for my 12 hour day shifts. He takes massive offence to me simply asking for hybrid working as a compromise which I think is fair. He says I make him feel like s**t for making it clear I "don't want him working here" I have explained relentlessly that its not about him its about needing space at home and he literally storms off in a sulk. What an earth is the explanation for this reaction? I've asked for a compromise and he gets so defensive and accuses me of wanting rid of him...

He has been in a mood for days now because we got into a massive argument about it. He really feels sorry for himself as if I'm being cruel and unkind.
Is anyone else's partners like this. Am I being unreasonable?

Selfish narc alert! Does he really expect you to tip toe around him and listen to his tedious calls on your day off? Is he normally this selfish/ lacking in empathy.

Also he doesn’t have to go to the office, if he doesn’t like the commute he can go to a cafe or the local library. Sounds like he wants everything his own way and hang the consequences- what a dick. I’d be having a final chat with him and then suggesting counselling if he tries to emotionally blackmail you again.

he needs to get himself to the nearest costa/office space (plenty of places offer it for the price of a few coffees) on those specified days and give you your home back.

Or you know, just tell him to set up in the bedroom?

Not exactly a tough fix...

If by any chance your role is a medical one, say a nurse or doctor, his outrageous stupidity is potentially risking harm to other people, patients.

Would he like to have a vasectomy or prostate procedure carried out by someone too tired to work safely? No, I thought not!

....erm..come again??

Honestly the entitlement from him is rage inducing.

I've asked for a compromise and he gets so defensive and accuses me of wanting rid of him.

Honestly, I would get rid of him. No kids, and no compromise- bin him, OP.

The bedroom the OP is sleeping in after a night shift? Probably not the solution you seem to think it is.

Doesn’t the OP work nights and therefore need the use of the bedroom in the day?

If he's using Teams then you can add an artificial background that conceals what's behind you - this would ensure you'd be invisible or blurred behind him.

Lots of people (mostly men in my experience) who WFH, can be selfish and entitled. But this one is to a level I haven't yet seen and makes me wonder what else is going on? his response is the kind of response I'd expect from someone who is very controlling and, for example, expects you to tell him where you are at all times, doesn't like it if you go out without him (and/or will check on you if you do), has lots of opinions (mostly negative) on your friends and family etc etc etc.

if she works nights what do you think she may need to do in the day?

Yanbu x

People like this seem to think that when you work a night shift you ‘sleep’ all night. In my case, you turn up give out a few tablets to patients and then they sleep all night so you can get your head down which is furthest from the truth as possible. You need to stay awake all night one night and have loud conversation on your phone, play loud you tube tutorials, bang doors etc then say I’m doing exactly what you do when I’m trying to sleep after a night shift. He I a selfish twunt. When I worked nights one thing that stood out to me was my husband shouting at the kids to ‘ be quiet your mothers trying to sleep’ louder than the kids were!

He is lazy and selfish.

YANBU.

DH and I both work from home. Originally only I did, and worked from the dining room table in an open plan tiny house. It meant the kitchen and livingroom were essentially part of my office. When DH started WFH during Covid we realised how even with him upstairs in the spare room, having me in there just didn't work.

We moved and now both have our own offices and it works well. But it's not fair for your DH to WFH full time when it's taking over the whole flat and impeding on your downtime from work and sleep.

Well if my partner was doing something that was having a significant impact on my mental health, was aware of that and yet was completely unwilling to discuss that or make compromises, that wouldn't be a relationship worth keeping to me.

He's not willing to change anything so as pp have said that leaves you to make a decision:
Put up with it
Move out (either with or without him)
Change jobs

why can't he sit with his back to the wall, so that all that's visible on camera is the wall behind him - and use headphones, so the only noise is him speaking at normal volume.
Stop tiptoe-ing around him - agree that it's not unreasonable for him to work in the office when you are working night shifts.

Why not rent hot desk space if there's anywhere near you?
I rent ten days a month - and I only need to avoid the cat stomping over the keyboard.

No, you really aren't. In lockdown when the three adults in my household were all WFH, we were all at pains to keep noise to a minimum, discuss things like when we had a meeting/needed quiet time and where in the house was best to sit etc. No one huffed or argued if one of us had a delivery/we had the pest control man making noise in the kitchen when someone was on a Zoom meeting, etc. It's basic consideration and manners.

Does he generally listen and understand when you explain your POV over difficult subjects? If so then is there maybe something else going on between you, or with him?
What if you sat him down and said very explicitly that you are not understanding his reaction and seeming lack of comprehension about the issue, and asked him to help you understand?

YANBU. Wfh is one thing if you have your own home office and space out of the way, but it's another if it's disrupting another person, especially if he has so many work calls. You either need a bigger place or he needs to go to the office.

Oh my dear, you should consider giving him the heave ho. None of what you've described is OK.

Self entitled, selfish prick.
Sorry, not sorry.

Pick a room and keep quiet in it.
Summerhouse / shed office.
Or
Back to the office. (Bless him for being tired)

Its very hard to see how his actions are accidental - they seem quite deliberate

I'm pleased OH now mostly WFH as he's around more/ saves money on the commute but my goodness do I often want to commit murder when he's on a call!!

He seems to speak at triple his usual volume

His colleagues must be the funniest people ever because frequently huge guffaws of laughter are heard from below

If I make a tea while he's on a call he comes over and shuts the door because apparently the noise of the kettle is annoying. I actually made a flask the other day because it annoyed me so much

I work term time only and because we have a 2 bed house there's not room for a home office so I feel like I'm tip toeing round. I mainly have to work in the office but very occasionally wfh if I have something to do that requires concentration - concentration that will suddenly be shattered by an eruption of hee hawing from below...

Like I say, Im glad he's not spending ages on a commute, and when he's not on a call it's absolutely fine it's the f***g calls that do my head in - some days are fine and there's none but when there's back to back ones the whole morning it drives me demented

Is it me or do they seem to double or even triple the volume they speak at when on work calls despite wearing a headset?! (Which I then have great urge to shove somewhere!)

Sadly a tiny flat isn't really compatible with one person WFH full time and another doing shift work. We both WFH but we have a big house with an office each. It's just not practical or feasible if you don't have any space and your partner is having to tiptoe around while being in view of your camera (and it's pretty unprofessional to be in a place where there are people wandering about in the background too).

Bigger house or he goes into the office.

This isn't fair on you. And I wouldn't be too happy as his employer either; if employees don't have a suitable home working space they ought to come into the office.