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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I'm not living here anymore?

78 replies

StressedByMess · 05/09/2023 19:15

DP and I have two homes and stay in his during the week and mine at weekends.

He is both autistic and chronically ill and that's basically the reason we kept his flat (it's right next to work) and he has no energy for anything so staying here in the week is easier.

The problem is: his flat is a complete mess. And he won't let me tidy up. I can clean, buy I can't "organise". And because he's chronically ill, he barely has any every so he just leaves a mess.

So the situation is...

Bathroom: he decided about 6 months ago to fix something, didn't finish it, and the tools have been on the floor for about 4 months. He also just has crap all over every surface and it looks like a student flat.

Bedroom: His clothes everywhere. Literally every surface covered in crap. Suitcases from a holiday A YEAR AGO that he hadn't unpacked. Bloody great treadmill dominating the room that he's too ill to use.

Lounge: about 15 boxes still unpacked from when he moved in TWO YEARS AGO. Literally in the middle of the room. A bike. Just there. Both tables literally covered in stuff. Can't get to the dining table to eat.

And I get stressed when I'm here. I WFH and have nowhere tranquil to sit. It's a tiny flat and basically looks like a student lives here (we're mid 40s). I felt so stressed today by it that I couldn't work.

So I suggested we take some of this crap out of the house and put it in the garage of the other house. He went ballistic. Doesn't want anyone touching "his stuff".

I get this is an autistic thing but I feel really uncomfortable. My house is LOVELY and tidy and organised and I come here during the week because he's chronically ill and needs help.

AIBU to think he has to make the space reasonably tidy and presentable? And if he's too ill to put things away, is it unreasonable that I put my foot down and insist he let's me do it?

I feel trapped

If I insist he let's me do it, I risk an autistic meltdown which makes his chronic illness worse.

If I insist he sorts things, I risk making him more sick because he needs rest and gets easily exhausted.

I don't feel I can live like this.

We do consider both houses to be "ours" so surely if this is my house too I deserve a stress free living space?

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 05/09/2023 19:17

I honestly couldn't live like that, and I'm not a tidy freak at all. I think I'd have to move back to my own place, inciting him over when it suited me.

Tinkerbyebye · 05/09/2023 19:19

I would reverse it stay at yours during the week on your own, stay at his at the weekend. If he doesn’t like it tough

OhNoForever · 05/09/2023 19:21

You need to think of yourself. Not just him and his needs. He isn't prioritising you and you need to prioritise yourself.

titchy · 05/09/2023 19:23

Tinkerbyebye · 05/09/2023 19:19

I would reverse it stay at yours during the week on your own, stay at his at the weekend. If he doesn’t like it tough

This. Or he stays with you on the weekend and you live separately in the week.

olderbutwiser · 05/09/2023 19:23

What are the good things about him and about your relationship? Is this something that's crept up over years or did you walk into the relationship with him in this state?

In all honesty, as someone looking in from the outside, I can't imagine how this relationship meets your needs at all.

Toonali8 · 05/09/2023 19:24

Yeah I couldn’t cope with that. I would be walking running away quickly. May sound harsh considering his circumstances but sometimes you just have to consider your own needs as just as important

SurelyBassey · 05/09/2023 19:24

If he's happy leave him to it
No guilt

SausageAndEggSandwich · 05/09/2023 19:24

No I couldn't live like that either.

Original poster
StressedByMess · 05/09/2023 19:25

I am not a controlling kind of person, but it really affects my wellbeing. I walk in and feel depressed. It zaps my energy. I've always been one to roll up my sleeves and sort problems but he literally won't let me.

I told him today that I got a quote for a van to drive all the boxes full of crap from the living room of the tiny flat so we could store them in the garage of my larger house.

He just went ballistic. "No one can touch my stuff". This is an autistic thing. His chaos is sort of a protected species. But it makes me feel rubbish all the time.

OP posts:
shitetatts · 05/09/2023 19:27

Just stay in your own home then, and let him go to his as he pleases?

He can't force you to go there. This relationship sounds like more hassle than it's worth.

AdoraBell · 05/09/2023 19:28

I couldn’t put up with that, I would move back to your own place and see how things go after that.

Aserena · 05/09/2023 19:35

It’s all very well him saying “it’s an autistic thing”. It’s true, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have needs. You need a clear space to work in - it’s a ‘neurotypical thing’. Or, just a ‘StressedbyMess’ thing. You each have needs. They clash. If the happiness of the other person is important to you both, you both need to compromise.

Have you explained to him fully and clearly exactly what stressed you out, why, and how it makes you feel? He might beed it spelling out that his living conditions affect you as well as him.

Are there other stressors in his life than can be minimised? If stress can be relieved in one area, he may be more able to compromise in another area.

If there is no way to improve his understanding and empathy for you or his capacity to cope with compromise, it doesn’t really sound as though living together is right for you.

Maybe try living entirely separately for a month as a trial. If it doesn’t work for him, you may find he has capacity to compromise after all.

If not… perhaps time to contemplate a future as good friends rather than a cohabiting couple?

MattBerrysHair · 05/09/2023 19:37

I'm autistic, and can say 100% that if my behaviour or habits were to cause my dp that much discomfort I'd feel horrendously guilty and try to find a compromise. You need to take care of yourself too, not just him. I'd be telling him that you understand he isnt capable of dealing with the mess right now, and that he's not comfortable with getting people in to sort it out, but that you're emotional wellbeing is being negatively impacted by his flat and that you're going to be staying at your own place during the week.

CalistoNoSolo · 05/09/2023 19:39

No idea why you're with him tbh. It all sounds incredibly hard work for very little return so I think YABU. Leave him to his way of living and find someone more compatible.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 05/09/2023 19:40

You are not trapped.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/09/2023 19:41

You won't change him, it's honestly not worth the years of hassle and stress.
Either leave him to it and find someone who likes a tidy house or stay but never stay at his and keep separate houses forever.

LookItsMeAgain · 05/09/2023 19:49

shitetatts · 05/09/2023 19:27

Just stay in your own home then, and let him go to his as he pleases?

He can't force you to go there. This relationship sounds like more hassle than it's worth.

This.

Why do his conditions/health issues trump yours?

Time for you to spend your time in your place and leave him to his mess.

Dolores87 · 05/09/2023 19:56

I would work from my own home and spend most of my time there and he can come to you as he pleases and you could just stay at his sometimes when you've had a date night or something if it's convenient. You don't need to live together like this. This is what I do with my OH. I just go there to hang out sometimes but mostly just live at my house.

AutumnFroglets · 05/09/2023 19:59

Is that part of him the autistic part or is he just a hoarder? Hoarders cannot bear anyone touching their stuff at all.

Live at yours either during the week or full time. Stop living together and just go back to dating. However what are you getting out of this relationship? All I can see is you mothering him rather than being equal.

Original poster
StressedByMess · 05/09/2023 20:04

I don't actually want a partner I just see at weekends. That doesn't really suit me. I'm mid 40s and chose to be alone for almost twenty years to raise my kids. They've left for university now and companionship is quite a big thing on my list. I'm ready for that now!

I don't like the disruption of two houses, but I compromise. I just expect my home to be comfy for both of us. It seems reasonable. I think if I said I wasn't coming here for a couple of weeks because it was too messy that he'd sort it out fairly sharpish. It just feels a bit dysfunctional.

He keeps saying this is OUR flat and we're a family but this feels like not.

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 05/09/2023 20:04

Just because he is autistic doesn't make him more important than you.

pictoosh · 05/09/2023 20:04

What do you get out of this? It sounds hopeless.

Totalwasteofpaper · 05/09/2023 20:05

I dont know that this is autism

I do know i couldnt live like this. Id be reconsidering the relationship tbh

ConnieTucker · 05/09/2023 20:07

Youre settling for a this guy who goes ballistic at you and whose company and home makes your unable to work.

why?

get out there and date more.

dont settle for misery just because you dont want to be single anymore.

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 05/09/2023 20:08

Does he work, leave the house?
What does he bring to the relationship other than angst or you having to bend to his Demands?