To say I'm not living here anymore?

[StressedByMess]

DP and I have two homes and stay in his during the week and mine at weekends.

He is both autistic and chronically ill and that's basically the reason we kept his flat (it's right next to work) and he has no energy for anything so staying here in the week is easier.

The problem is: his flat is a complete mess. And he won't let me tidy up. I can clean, buy I can't "organise". And because he's chronically ill, he barely has any every so he just leaves a mess.

So the situation is...

Bathroom: he decided about 6 months ago to fix something, didn't finish it, and the tools have been on the floor for about 4 months. He also just has crap all over every surface and it looks like a student flat.

Bedroom: His clothes everywhere. Literally every surface covered in crap. Suitcases from a holiday A YEAR AGO that he hadn't unpacked. Bloody great treadmill dominating the room that he's too ill to use.

Lounge: about 15 boxes still unpacked from when he moved in TWO YEARS AGO. Literally in the middle of the room. A bike. Just there. Both tables literally covered in stuff. Can't get to the dining table to eat.

And I get stressed when I'm here. I WFH and have nowhere tranquil to sit. It's a tiny flat and basically looks like a student lives here (we're mid 40s). I felt so stressed today by it that I couldn't work.

So I suggested we take some of this crap out of the house and put it in the garage of the other house. He went ballistic. Doesn't want anyone touching "his stuff".

I get this is an autistic thing but I feel really uncomfortable. My house is LOVELY and tidy and organised and I come here during the week because he's chronically ill and needs help.

AIBU to think he has to make the space reasonably tidy and presentable? And if he's too ill to put things away, is it unreasonable that I put my foot down and insist he let's me do it?

I feel trapped

If I insist he let's me do it, I risk an autistic meltdown which makes his chronic illness worse.

If I insist he sorts things, I risk making him more sick because he needs rest and gets easily exhausted.

I don't feel I can live like this.

We do consider both houses to be "ours" so surely if this is my house too I deserve a stress free living space?

This! ^
Theres no future in this for your own stability so get out or sort out a living arrangement that’s better for your mental equilibrium. Wake up and smell the coffee. You wanna be in this trap for be rest of your life? Really?

I think if you want change, make it happen. And I don’t mean organising vans and sorting his stuff out, I mean staying at your home and communicating to him that you’re uncomfortable in the flat so you’re choosing to stay away. He’s welcome to visit your home during the week, and you’d very much like to spend time with him, but not in chaos.

if you think an enforced period of absence would focus his mind, then that’s a win win. You get to be in a safe environment, and he’d actively make improvements to his.

Date more? Lol. We've been in a happy relationship for six years. This has only become an issue recently because when my kids were at home I never stayed here.

Briefly, YANBU to say you aren't going to live there anymore.

You have two choices:

1. Go back to living at your place whether he's there or not
2. Take some of the advice on here with regards to getting him to understand he needs to up his game

I would say that perhaps he is also a hoarder. Both autism and hoarding are difficult for loved ones, and you aren't going to get him to change his ways. The only thing you can do is vote with your feet. Refuse to spend any time at his home. If he wants to stay at yours, fine, but you will not stay at his any longer.

You can't keep on putting his feelings first and ignoring your own. What's that saying? Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Where do you see this relationship going OP?

He is only happy living in mess - and i have experience of autistic relatives choosing to love in squalor even when someone else offered to clean and tidy for them - and you don't want to live like that and it makes you unhappy.

Please don't go down the route of "I have to stay with him, because I've been with him for the past 6 years" or whatever.

This is affecting you.
His refusal to do anything about it, even the smallest improvement, speaks volumes.

Value your time more.

He doesn't get to enjoy your time if he can't do small thing to improve the situation. Then one small thing becomes two or three. But that's a fantasy, not reality.

You move back to your place and unless he gets whatever help he needs to get himself sorted out, then you stay in your place, and he stays in his and you find someone else who won't behave like him.

I think you need to attempt to have a conversation about how to resolve the difficulty. Clearly you can't be expected to live in that sort of situation for most of the week. So your dp needs to work out whether he'd rather have you there or cope with some degree of tidying.

I do thing it's worth thinking about how you have that discussion to minimise his distress. I wonder if writing it down might help so he can read it when he isn't feelin his things are being threatened? Or agreeing you will discuss it on a centre date and giving him a couple of weeks before to think about it? It feels like springing the discussion on him will only prompt him to dig his heels in.

Your health matters too. And this living arrangement is having a negative effect on it.

YANBU and I'd have to tell him that if he's unwilling to get the flat in order, then I could no longer consider it my home too and would only stay in my own home from now on.

If he owns the flat, and is perfectly happy with the way it is, then that's fine. That's his choice. But you have a choice too, and you aren't happy with it and it's affecting your own health, so you can choose to not stay there any more.

You matter too.

Please don't go down the route of "I have to stay with him, because I've been with him for the past 6 years" or whatever

I'm not, just saying comments like "date more" aren't applicable. We're in a long term serious relationship. Not dating.

I don't think he's a hoarder because he hasn't got much stuff. He doesn't buy stuff or want stuff. It's more that because he's sick, he doesn't put anything away.

Like both tables in the lounge are covered in mail. It can't be in a pile. The letters are all laid out like tiles. It makes me feel really anxious. It's a coping mechanism for him since he got sick.

He used to be very tidy but now he starts something and is too tired to finish it.

I would be staying at my own home, all the time. What do you get from this relationship? It doesn't sound ideal to me.

It doesn't sound like a happy relationship at the moment.
Think about it in a different way.
If a friend, or your sister or daughter came to you with this story, what advice would you give them ?
Stay with him and put up with it, make his comfort more important than yours, or assert themselves, and give him an ultimatum.
I couldn't live like this.Why should you be unhappy, relationships shouldn't be this hard !

Of course it's not ideal. He has lupus, and hes been very ill. There's lots of things that change with chronic illness.

I am sorry he is really ill.The fact that he used to be very tidy does change it somewhat.
You didn't tell us that in the beginning.
Nevertheless it's still affecting you badly.
Just spend more time at your home.

But he has no consideration for you, it’s all one way traffic. Will he ever be well? If this is an acute attack of a chronic condition, and he’s usually organised and on top of things that’s one thing, or is this how he always chooses to live?

Dating doesn’t have to be dismissed, it’s about making quality time for the person you have in your life. Not all about drudgery, mundanely living in mess and becoming vexed by one another, such as it sounds like is going on now. That doesn’t have to be what a long term relationship is about.

With the best will in the world OP, his relationship with his 'stuff' is more important to him, than his relationship with you.

Go home. It's not your flat, it's his. If he wants care, he tidies the fuck up (said as somebody who has autoimmune diseases myself).

He can't move into yours or he'd trash that as well.

Personally I'd say something like...
I understand you don't want me to clear things up, so I won't. But I can't live in the space with it like it is, it is affecting my mental health and ability to work.
So if you can't be flexible on this I'll have to leave you to your own devices in the week, I don't want to, if the choice was mine I'd just improve the living environment.

If he says but I need you, I can't cope without your support, then you'll say 'i understand but I can't cope with it, so you need to decide which you need more, things to remain exactly as they are or me being here able to help you.

I have Lupus and when I have an extended flare and the mess piles up, it actually prolongs the exhaustion. Living in a clean and calm environment helps me manage my chronic health conditions.
Autism is not a get-out-of-jail-free card to throw a tantrum every time you are slightly uncomfortable.
Relationships thrive on mutual respect and communication. Quite frankly, a man having a melt down because he needs to think about household chores is ridiculous.
He’s not the first man to get his life arranged exactly how it suits him with his partner tip toeing round not upsetting him.
Time for some serious chats and new solutions.

I love my partner of 28 years, and there’s no-one else I could possibly live with (or who could put up with me), but I’d love it if we had our own houses, and just met up at weekends. “Let there be spaces in your togetherness” is definitely my motto.

So your set-up sounds ideal to me - you stay in your tidy house and he can live in his pigsty all week and join you at yours for the weekends. You’ll have time to miss each other, and it’ll be much more sexy and exciting when you get together.

This.

I think if I said I wasn't coming here for a couple of weeks because it was too messy that he'd sort it out fairly sharpish

So call his bluff. Say you can't stand it any longer and you won't stay until it's tidy. See what happens.

But this doesn't actually make sense: he knows you hate the mess. If he knows this, why not tidy it to keep you happy? And if you give him an ultimatum, why will this magically give him more energy to tidy?!

I have Lupus and when I have an extended flare and the mess piles up, it actually prolongs the exhaustion. Living in a clean and calm environment helps me manage my chronic health conditions

This is what I think! I think he'd feel miles better if it just got sorted.

He's not messy or untidy at my house. He's fastidious organised weirdly. It's more that he just keeps doing half something and not having energy to finish so he leaves it.

I'm sure he'd love to have energy to sort it all out, but if you're sick your partner can help. He's just being weird about it.

Personally, I'd stay at yours and avoid going to his until it's had a deep clean. Test his commitment and all that......

I was thinking that then wondered if I was being a bitch seeing as he's not well.

It's all a catch 22

The Lupus makes him exhausted
Being exhausted and sick makes his stressed
Being stressed reduces his tolerance

He becomes massively MORE autistic when he's sick because he just has no energy. So noise bothers him more, things being moved etc.

He is genuinely extremely unwell right now. Horrible Lupus flare been ongoing for ages. He's had some nasty complications with it. He should really be on sick leave but he's got a horrible, stressful job.

I know if he had three or four weeks sick leave he'd sort the flat out, but he won't take sick leave and he won't let me help sort it.