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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I'm not living here anymore?

78 replies

StressedByMess · 05/09/2023 19:15

DP and I have two homes and stay in his during the week and mine at weekends.

He is both autistic and chronically ill and that's basically the reason we kept his flat (it's right next to work) and he has no energy for anything so staying here in the week is easier.

The problem is: his flat is a complete mess. And he won't let me tidy up. I can clean, buy I can't "organise". And because he's chronically ill, he barely has any every so he just leaves a mess.

So the situation is...

Bathroom: he decided about 6 months ago to fix something, didn't finish it, and the tools have been on the floor for about 4 months. He also just has crap all over every surface and it looks like a student flat.

Bedroom: His clothes everywhere. Literally every surface covered in crap. Suitcases from a holiday A YEAR AGO that he hadn't unpacked. Bloody great treadmill dominating the room that he's too ill to use.

Lounge: about 15 boxes still unpacked from when he moved in TWO YEARS AGO. Literally in the middle of the room. A bike. Just there. Both tables literally covered in stuff. Can't get to the dining table to eat.

And I get stressed when I'm here. I WFH and have nowhere tranquil to sit. It's a tiny flat and basically looks like a student lives here (we're mid 40s). I felt so stressed today by it that I couldn't work.

So I suggested we take some of this crap out of the house and put it in the garage of the other house. He went ballistic. Doesn't want anyone touching "his stuff".

I get this is an autistic thing but I feel really uncomfortable. My house is LOVELY and tidy and organised and I come here during the week because he's chronically ill and needs help.

AIBU to think he has to make the space reasonably tidy and presentable? And if he's too ill to put things away, is it unreasonable that I put my foot down and insist he let's me do it?

I feel trapped

If I insist he let's me do it, I risk an autistic meltdown which makes his chronic illness worse.

If I insist he sorts things, I risk making him more sick because he needs rest and gets easily exhausted.

I don't feel I can live like this.

We do consider both houses to be "ours" so surely if this is my house too I deserve a stress free living space?

OP posts:
Gnomegnomegnome · 05/09/2023 22:07

Would he compromise by watching you do it? He sits and gives instructions? (I’m aware that this isn’t healthy in your average relationship but it isn’t your average relationship and you are willing to help him).

I wonder if it’s that he is unable to separate each job and so all together it is overwhelming (for both of you!). Maybe suggesting a drawer one week, the bathroom floor the next week so as not to overwhelm him. He might also be embarrassed and frustrated that he is currently unable to do it himself.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/09/2023 22:10

I think you need to just live in your house full time, and leave him to it if he wants to be in a mess during the week.

Marmalady75 · 05/09/2023 22:23

Your happiness matters too!

How would he react if you tidied up the tools on the bathroom floor? Would that be too much for him? That is where I would start as it’s a safety hazard. Then if he accepts that, you can pick one small job each day (possibly to do together).

Vinrouge4 · 05/09/2023 22:27

He wants you around to be his carer but isn’t grateful enough to make the place comfortable for you. I would stay away for a few weeks and hopefully it will bring him to his senses.

Original poster
StressedByMess · 05/09/2023 22:30

@Gnomegnomegnome

Yes. Perhaps. He literally said today "I know I'm being unreasonable" so he knows he is

OP posts:
Letsgocamping67 · 05/09/2023 22:34

He really needs an ultimatum. I wouldn’t spend 5 minutes I’m that disgusting place. If he is ill he needs to accept your offers of help, if you are worth anything to him ?

totallyteutonic · 05/09/2023 22:40

I wouldn't stay somewhere like that. When I got with my other half he lived in a shared flat which was quite shabby and studenty and I wouldn't even stay there! Need cleanliness to relax. This is perhaps not on the cards but could you consider buying a property together near his work then he'd have to sort it out and reset? Or don't you want to live together full-time?

Nn9011 · 05/09/2023 23:15

I'm ND and have had difficulties with MH which has led to needing help with looking after my home and it is really embarrassing and demeaning when you need someone to help you clean/tidy. It's not even necessarily anything you say or that anything you do say is meant in a mean way/ factually untrue but it doesn't mean there aren't feelings of guilt and shame. Of course he might not have those feelings but it is possible.
Your partner also doesn't get more autistic when sick, it means he doesn't have the energy to where his mask, so he is always this way but when he has the energy he can compensate to a certain degree and try to behave in a more neurotypical way.

I think it's definitely fair to be upset that you're having to stay in a messy environment but when discussing it try remembering the shame and guilt that can be attached and don't be disheartened if it is only possible in small sections.

The behaviors of not being able to throw away or move things sounds a bit like hoarding rather than just autism. Hoarding occurs more commonly in the autistic community than it does in the general population. Maybe do some research and see if his behaviors match up. He might benefit from support from a counselor or therapist who specializes in ND/hoarding if you do feel that matches. One important thing to note is if he has hoarding issues they can be magnified horrendously if forced to get rid of things unwillingly or if you take away items without permission/knowledge. Sometimes people recommend a clear out when the hoarder is at work etc but this is the absolute worst thing to do.

I hope this helps and you're able to come to some resolution. If not, there's absolutely no shame in protecting your peace and deciding to walk away.

VestaTilley · 05/09/2023 23:27

Don’t settle for him. You deserve better.

OfficerChurlish · 05/09/2023 23:40

I WFH full time, and in your situation I'd have to just insist that I'm working from my house - even if that means spending the night there Sun - Thurs, or leaving for home first thing in the morning.

Re his not being physically able to clean up - could the two of you kind of split the work, so he sits and goes through each messy pile and puts aside anything private or precious, and once he gives the OK you deal with putting away, throwing away, recycling, etc. what's left?

I think it's pretty common for there to be big differences in a couple's perceptions and desires about how neat and clean the house should be, and if you're not careful the neater/pickier person ends up doing considerably more work because they get sick of the mess first and must clean it while the messier person doesn't even notice. But not being ABLE to tidy up and clean when you're willing and you know it's needed sounds absolutely miserable.

AutumnFroglets · 05/09/2023 23:41

I have lupus (and other things) and my house isn't a tip despite living with two messy adults. It's dusty, windows need a clean as does the bath but it's tidy.

If you can't live in his mess but he won't deal with it you have two choices. Don't live there, or accept his mess without another word. You get to choose but there isn't a third option.

caringcarer · 05/09/2023 23:52

I'd love in your own home through the week when you have to work and visit him over weekend. If he thinks he's losing you he might make more effort to tidy his act up or let you do so. I can't see the attraction in him for you.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 06/09/2023 00:06

StressedByMess · 05/09/2023 20:10

Date more? Lol. We've been in a happy relationship for six years. This has only become an issue recently because when my kids were at home I never stayed here.

Isn’t that your answer? Familiarity breeding not contempt but discomfort. So maybe you should just revert to the way of relationship which worked for you (both).

RadioFoot · 06/09/2023 00:13

What do you want out the thread OP?

DPotter · 06/09/2023 00:20

His autism and his lupus don't count for more than your sense of wellbeing.

You can't change how he is, you can only change how you react to the situation.

At the moment you are offering him solutions and he refusing your offer of help. Fine - that's his choice but that doesn't mean you have to make yourself ill living in that environment.

You explanation that for the sake of your own mental health and wellbeing you will be living at your house, with occasional visits to his, just like when your kids were at home. It's tried and tested, albeit not ideal, but we don't live in an ideal world.

SheSaidHummingbird · 06/09/2023 00:26

Why is the mail on the table, unopened? What if it's urgent?

Someoneonlyyouknow · 06/09/2023 01:01

Did you describe it as 'sorting out his crap' because that sounds quite judgemental and a personal criticism. I'm not sure of a better way to phrase it but something to explain that it would really help you to work if eg mail was in one pile or a box or one table was clear. Or, you don't sleep on well so could you put all the clothes away. Otherwise, for the sake of your own health, and work, you need to spend more time at your house - at least half the week

Original poster
StressedByMess · 06/09/2023 08:42

All I was really looking for was if people thought I was being selfish or over reacting.

Sounds like I'm not, thank you!

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 06/09/2023 08:55

It sounds like you've got saviour complex about him. That or you're so desperate for a man, any man, that you're happy to settle for the bare minimum just so you're in a relationship. It doesn't sound like you want anything to change, and you're clearly not being U about not tolerating his mess, so what is the point of this thread?

RoseMartha · 06/09/2023 08:59

I would be choosing to live in my home and seriously think about my relationship with him and whether I wanted it to continue. A relationship that makes you ill is not a good one.

fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 06/09/2023 09:09

I'd tell him what you think

That you appreciate he's extremely unwell but that he's not helping himself by not taking some sick leave and that his tolerance levels are down but it's making you miserable living in his clutter and you'll be going home for a while until he gets his finger out , takes some time off and sorts the flat

Honesty is best policy

ntmdino · 06/09/2023 09:23

OK...I'm autistic, and I totally get where he's coming from. The difference, I guess, is that I've been (mostly) happily married for a couple of decades at this point, so we've figured out a way of rubbing along that works for us. OH is obsessed with cleaning and tidiness, whereas my living space tends to reflect my state of mind; when I'm clear and relaxed it's tidy, but when I'm stressed and/or tired it basically looks like a bomb went off in a tech factory.

In that state, I can logically see the benefits of it being tidy at a macro scale, but it's such a massive undertaking (because I can only see the details, and thus the multitude of steps it would take to get there) that I just get overwhelmed with it and my brain shuts down. It only gets sorted when I'm relaxed enough to spend a day dealing with it from the ground up.

As a result, I have my own office and do my best to keep the chaos limited to that one room, and I'm the only one allowed to tidy/organise in there.

@StressedByMess - it seems like your OH never gets to that last stage (for good and understandable reasons). Seems to me that there are two ways for you to go with this (I'm working on the assumption that, as you said, you're not just going to abandon ship):

1 - Start small, by solving an immediate problem that both of you have with the current state of the abode. Don't make a big issue of it or lecture him on it, just wait until he needs some working space (or quietly engineer a situation where he needs it...he'll miss the subtlety, believe me), and say "Hey, I can help you there!". It's an overwhelming series of small problems in his mind, so tackling it at a series of small problems may work.

2 - Help fix or mitigate the underlying problem itself - that his state of mind is the same as the state of the flat. This one, obviously, is far more difficult and time-consuming.

Original poster
StressedByMess · 06/09/2023 12:39

It sounds like you've got saviour complex about him. That or you're so desperate for a man, any man, that you're happy to settle for the bare minimum just so you're in a relationship

Huh???

@ntmdino thanks for your comment. I get where he's coming from too. I don't mind if he wants spaces for himself or to do things his own way, but it's a tiny 1 bedroom flat so I can't really deal.

I feel terrible because yesterday I told him we were living in squalor and (classic autustic) he misunderstood and got up this morning early and did laundry and the dishwasher. That isn't what I meant. I'm happy to do the cleaning while he's sick (face palm).

I'll explain gently later that it's just the clutter. It makes me feel very stressed and also makes it impossible to clean. I think I'm going to suggest he has a chest of drawers for papers, rather than spreading them on every surface.

If he can't compromise and just put things away, I won't be able to be here during the week because it's affecting my wellbeing

OP posts:
ntmdino · 06/09/2023 12:47

@StressedByMess - "I feel terrible because yesterday I told him we were living in squalor and (classic autustic) he misunderstood and got up this morning early and did laundry and the dishwasher. That isn't what I meant. I'm happy to do the cleaning while he's sick (face palm)."

Honestly, I'd have probably taken it the same way (unsurprisingly) - "squalor" == "dirty" -> "must find dirty things and make them clean" 😆

There's good news in that little episode, though: he obviously wants to make you happy, within the limits of what he can do.

Maybe one thing to do is ask him if there's a logical train of thought to why he's operating his flat this way? May not be logical to you, but it may be to him.

I do think it's fairly likely that he's having a really shit time with his illness, though, and if he's anything like me then his mind's a mess and the flat is a terrifying and overwhelming physical reflection of that.

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