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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding etiquette

145 replies

worrypo · 05/09/2023 14:45

Going to my nephews wedding (my husbands side). Just wondering how much should be spent on their gift from a family of four (will be me, my husband, adult daughter and adult son going to wedding). Was just going to get them a gift from us as a family rather than separate.

I have already got them two champagne flutes which were £40 reduced to £20.

They have asked for cash so basically just wondering how much is appropriate to give them from family of 4?

Thank you

OP posts:

TallerThanAverage · 05/09/2023 18:52

MargotBamborough · 05/09/2023 16:52

I really don't understand this attitude.

If you're so insulted by a request for cash gifts at an occasion where traditionally you would be buying a gift that you give nothing at all in a fit of pique, you clearly think the B&G are CFs (which is your prerogative) so why are you still attending their wedding?

You could decide not to accept their hospitality and send a polite, "Sorry we can't make it, have a lovely day", which would free up a couple of places for them to invite some more friends or give a single guest a plus one.

Show quote history

I think they mean return the flutes and give cash.

Nevermind31 · 05/09/2023 18:54

Maireas · 05/09/2023 17:57

@Nevermind31 , so in your country you do the "cover the plate" thing? So how do you calculate this, or do you give a standard amount?

You don’t really cover your plate - you take what you think an average wedding costs (hence most people arriving at 100 Euros. You don’t give more for a bigger/ smaller wedding).

Baystar · 05/09/2023 18:55

@MargotBamborough they weren't suggesting they wouldn't give a gift, but advised return the glasses and give the newly weds cash instead.

staceyflack · 05/09/2023 18:55

Aww, i love our Mr & Mrs champagne glasses we got at our wedding... we use them on our Anniversary 😆. Depends on the couple... are they working class sentimentalists like me?
I'm pretty sure gift giving isnt meant to have any rules, let alone cash ones 🥱

MargotBamborough · 05/09/2023 18:57

@TallerThanAverage and @Baystar D'oh! Total brain fart there from me. You are right.

Sorry I misunderstood you, @felisha54!

TallerThanAverage · 05/09/2023 19:06

I read it the same way you did to begin with @MargotBamborough 🫣

cptartapp · 05/09/2023 19:16

£100 plus the glasses and a bottle of fizz.
Our families aren't hard up by any means and we got nothing like £300-£400 per family. I would have been gobsmacked to get anything like that.

2chocolateoranges · 05/09/2023 19:42

Idrinklotsofcoffee · 05/09/2023 15:23

The rule is you at least cover your cost of attending, which is between £50-£100 per plate. As it's your nephew I would give at least between £200-£400.

There is no such rule at all.

give what you can afford.

we went to my dh’s cousins wedding this year, just us two and we have £50 . If our two adult children had been there too we would have given £100.

im shocked at the amount of money some people give!

SpongeBob2022 · 05/09/2023 19:51

I don't think there's a right answer to this so I wasn't going to comment initially. Having read the responses though I feel like I have to ....just to say that some of the figures on here are far, far in excess of anything I'd give or expect. The opinions on here are clearly valid but definitely don't reflect my own experience (just to add some balance).

momtoboys · 05/09/2023 19:55

DelilahJane · 05/09/2023 15:03

€200per adult person, but then I'm Irish and I think we tend to go a bit overboard for celebrations.

We pay the same $200 per adult. Again, also Irish! 😂

thecatsthecats · 05/09/2023 20:11

That rule is rather naff.

You give what you can afford based on your affection for the couple. Not a speculative figure based on the cost of their hosting.

Maireas · 05/09/2023 20:11

thecatsthecats · 05/09/2023 20:11

That rule is rather naff.

You give what you can afford based on your affection for the couple. Not a speculative figure based on the cost of their hosting.

Exactly this!

Katjolo · 05/09/2023 20:18

200 pounds

Mamaneedsgin · 05/09/2023 20:21

I always give £100 as a couple for an all day invitation so I’d say £200 for the four of you.

StBernie · 05/09/2023 20:28

It’s a gift, not paying an entrance fee to an event ,so this idea of ‘cover your plate’ is not something I agree with at all.

I think anything from £100 upwards depending on what you can afford is fine (that’s in total not pp).

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/09/2023 20:31

Agree with the others about the flutes, the couple will not want them probably.

Here’s my go to wedding gift, which I shamelessly stole as an idea from a gift I received for my wedding.

A fireproof document safe + $100 (more if it’s a close family member)

Nobody needs flutes or toasters, but nobody ever thinks to buy a fireproof document safe! (We’re romantic, the first thing we put in it was our marriage certificate). I mean if nothing else it’s a great home for passports.

JaneIntheBox · 06/09/2023 22:39

CoffeeCantata · 05/09/2023 17:07

I'm gong to stick my neck out further and expect to get bbqued.

Long ago wedding gifts were there to help a young, impecunious couple set up home. Now that couples are more affluent and co-habit, or at least have their own homes, furniture and equipment, actual wedding gifts are pretty redundant - I get that. Times change.

But where does that leave the tradition of wedding gifts? I don't agree that just because weddings can now be massive operations, on a scale unimaginable 50 years ago, guests should somehow be expected to stump up to help pay for them which is sometimes the attitude on these threads. There's no relationship at all between the cost of the wedding and the expectation of a gift - it's a totally individual choice made by the guest. Yes, the couple have a right to specify cash (to avoid unwanted gifts, which is sensible) but no-one has to feel pressured to 'pay' for their plate or any other aspect of the wedding.

So there.

I completely agree that nobody should be pressured into anything. But equally, I don't think wedding gifts are to 'help' a couple. They exist for the same reason birthday gifts exist... to mark a special occasion.

And in the same vein whatever a giver feels they want to give is fine. But the B&G can also form their own conclusions. It's a wedding, surely you know what the people you're inviting are like. I see so much angst, for example with wealthy aunt splurging on one siblings but not the other. The whole family knew her attitude anyway, why was this a surprise?

IMO as long as gift is thoughtful cost doesn't matter. I can think of gift costing less that would be more meaningful than champagne flutes...

Soapyspuds · 06/09/2023 22:56

Seriously!! Do you know most weddings (pretty much all unless you're doing it on the super cheap) cost well over £100per adult just for the meal/arrival drink. Not that people get married to get their money back but i think £10pp gift is just rude, if you're thinking around this amount op, i'd just give the champagne flutes and no money

Yawn

Sayitaintso33 · 07/09/2023 09:34

I would like champagne flutes. I have 2 but they don't match.

How much I give depends mainly on my income and financial circumstances but also on theirs, I would give slightly more (i'm not rich) to people who are struggling, and on how much I like them.

For me £50 pp sounds generous, anything more and you are way out of my financial league.

I do think now your children are adults they should be giving their own gifts. It's part of being an adult.

JaneIntheBox · 07/09/2023 11:51