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Original poster

Wedding etiquette

145 replies

worrypo · 05/09/2023 14:45

Going to my nephews wedding (my husbands side). Just wondering how much should be spent on their gift from a family of four (will be me, my husband, adult daughter and adult son going to wedding). Was just going to get them a gift from us as a family rather than separate.

I have already got them two champagne flutes which were £40 reduced to £20.

They have asked for cash so basically just wondering how much is appropriate to give them from family of 4?

Thank you

OP posts:
Maireas · 05/09/2023 17:29

@HidingMyGratitude - your wedding cost £30k? Blimey - was that including or excluding the hotel bill?

Maddy70 · 05/09/2023 17:29

I would give £50 per adult but only if I could afford it. If not I would give way less.

Mamai90 · 05/09/2023 17:32

HidingMyGratitude · 05/09/2023 17:16

Nice attempt to twist my words. As I mentioned in my post, in our family people only give cash gifts, not goods or vouchers. So based on other weddings, we know the norm is £50 from friends and £100 from close relatives.

That doesn’t mean I pre-empt people for money. Do you really think I would have paid people’s transportation and hotel accommodation costs if I cared about gifts? Do you really think £50 covers people’s food, let alone their transportation and accommodation?

Show quote history

I didn't twist your words, you wrote expected and I quoted you.

Maireas · 05/09/2023 17:34

It's so tricky, isn't it, when people ask for cash. It's because couples already have everything nowadays. Weddings used to be about a young couple starting out with nothing, which was what the gift giving was about.
I agree with pp about not giving the champagne flutes, though.

Ella31 · 05/09/2023 17:36

I don't know how the UK works but as a rule of thumb 200 per couple. 100/150 single person here in Ireland but we do go a little mad. 🤣

Savemesos · 05/09/2023 17:36

Some of these responses are insane! You give only what you can afford to give. Don’t be seduced by so called ‘etiquette’.

JaceLancs · 05/09/2023 17:37

£100 to £200 depending on DC ages and your circumstances
I always allow £50 per person for all day and £25 per person for evening only

HidingMyGratitude · 05/09/2023 17:39

Mamai90 · 05/09/2023 17:32

I didn't twist your words, you wrote expected and I quoted you.

Show quote history

Where did I say I pre-empt people for money?

You didn’t quote me, you lied. Shame on you.

gogomoto · 05/09/2023 17:40

£100, the flutes and a bottle of champagne. Honestly it's meant to be a gift not a need to remortgage! People shouldn't hold weddings expecting gifts

Hungryhippopotamus · 05/09/2023 17:47

I don't mind giving money, if not requested with a yucky poem. I prefer to give vouchers so that the couple can buy something specific. However, I still use and look at some of our wedding presents from 25 years ago and am fondly reminded of the giver - some of whom are no longer with us. And, no, we did not really need 'stuff' as we were merging two household but we were given nicer things - dinner service items and glassware etc. Which have all been used a lot. I wouldn't have minded champagne flutes either!

Maireas · 05/09/2023 17:48

I think that's nice, @Hungryhippopotamus , that you can look at gifts and remember the givers, especially if they're no longer with us. It's more personal than cash in that way.

ididntwanttodoit · 05/09/2023 17:48

For a nephew (depending on how close) £100-200 and the flutes.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/09/2023 17:49

So, this "cover your plate" shazzam, if B&G A decide to have an intimate civil service with a small amount of guests followed by dinner and dancing in the private area of a restaurant, guests should cover whatever their spot cost.

And if B&G B hire exclusive use of a private home, release baby doves, have the local Michelin Stat restaurant provide the catering and hire Robbie Williams for the first dance, guests should cover whatever their spot cost?

Mental.

gogomoto · 05/09/2023 17:53

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I agree, crazy, plus people need to pay for hotels, taxis, outfits for the theme and other demands ... luckily in England there's no such etiquette, you pay what you feel is right for you

Nevermind31 · 05/09/2023 17:53

I am not British (or Irish). In my Western European home country we don’t consider it vulgar to give cash, and would usually give 100 Euro per person (more if you are close) to cover your plate. What we do consider really vulgar though is to make guests pay for their own drinks…
For a British wedding it would depend on how expensive the hotel is that I am supposed to stay in, do I have to pay for my own drinks… usually I would give between £50 and £100 per person.
And definitely no champagne flutes, especially if a set of 2 (rather than 6 or 8), or from sale (I.e. usually cannot buy more to make a set).

Maireas · 05/09/2023 17:57

@Nevermind31 , so in your country you do the "cover the plate" thing? So how do you calculate this, or do you give a standard amount?

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 05/09/2023 17:57

The champagne flutes are a waste of money so I'd return those as they'll get given those from other people as well.

I'd give between £100 - £200 as a joint cash gift from all of you.

Elfandwellbeing · 05/09/2023 18:10

I am amazed at the amount of cash people are suggesting!!!!
Christ on a bike. If they have not asked for anything on a guest list they are not expecting people to crowd fund and pay for their wedding.

TennisWithDeborah · 05/09/2023 18:11

I like champagne and would appreciate the flutes but the vast majority of brides/grooms wouldn’t. Perhaps return them and add the £20 to whatever sum you decide to give. FWIW I’d give £125 - £150 in this scenario.

I’m assuming your DCs are students who are not bringing partners, so I wouldn’t expect anything towards it from them. If they’re working/independent they should get their own thing sorted and I’d give £75 from DP and me.

The cover your plate thing is crass.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 05/09/2023 18:25

I personally consider wedding gifts a “nice to have” but not a must. Your presence is so much more important than a cash gift.
and I am saying this as somebody who is currently planning a wedding!

and I would never anyone to spend more on our wedding than what they could comfortably afford.

btw: I do agree re: champagne flûtes. I wouldn’t gift those… and whilst I would appreciate the fact, that you thought of me? We already have more than enough glasses…

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 05/09/2023 18:27

Also from a Western European country, btw.

SmudgeButt · 05/09/2023 18:28

No more than you can comfortably afford.

You're already paying to go to the actual wedding whether that means you getting on public transport or charging the EV or paying for economy flights to Bermuda. Plus hotels? Plus outfits? Food en route?

BTW - we were given champagne flutes and managed to break them the first year and had to go out and buy more. But frankly the best presents we got were a cheap (I'm talking Woolworths grade) set of china and cutlery from a cousin who said "I know you'll get a lot of posh presents so I thought it best to get you something practical". Used that for years!!!

foolishone · 05/09/2023 18:29

Some of these cash amounts are batshit. A friend of mine boasted about how much cash people gave at her wedding and made her skint friends feel like absolute shit (they had very wealthy friends).

£100 is fine as well as the glasses.

I realise at Irish weddings there's a tradition to give more but unless this is an Irish wedding please don't feel you need to match it!

GalileoHumpkins · 05/09/2023 18:31

I think £100 is fine, all this cover your plate stuff is bullshit. I once went to a wedding where there were no vegetarian food options and was told they might be able to find some bagged lettuce in the kitchen. I ended up having a cup of tea and going home starving. By the cover your plate way of thinking I should have left them £1.50 🙄

Ponderingwindow · 05/09/2023 18:37

This is so dependent on your income and family culture. Some of these amounts seem insane to me.

I don’t think anyone should gift more than they can comfortably afford.

the gift from your adult children depends on your definition of adult. If they have entered the full-time workforce and are self-supporting, they should be chipping in towards the gift or even giving independently. Even if it’s 10 because they are just starting out. If instead by adult you mean students, then they get grouped on with you and I and would expand your gift as your budget allows.