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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding etiquette

145 replies

worrypo · 05/09/2023 14:45

Going to my nephews wedding (my husbands side). Just wondering how much should be spent on their gift from a family of four (will be me, my husband, adult daughter and adult son going to wedding). Was just going to get them a gift from us as a family rather than separate.

I have already got them two champagne flutes which were £40 reduced to £20.

They have asked for cash so basically just wondering how much is appropriate to give them from family of 4?

Thank you

OP posts:
Idrinklotsofcoffee · 05/09/2023 15:23

The rule is you at least cover your cost of attending, which is between £50-£100 per plate. As it's your nephew I would give at least between £200-£400.

HidingMyGratitude · 05/09/2023 15:24

Idrinklotsofcoffee · 05/09/2023 15:23

The rule is you at least cover your cost of attending, which is between £50-£100 per plate. As it's your nephew I would give at least between £200-£400.

There is no such rule. YABU to put weddings in such avaricious terms.

Topseyt123 · 05/09/2023 15:25

£200 - £300?

PinkTonic · 05/09/2023 15:26

Idrinklotsofcoffee · 05/09/2023 15:23

The rule is you at least cover your cost of attending, which is between £50-£100 per plate. As it's your nephew I would give at least between £200-£400.

There is no such rule in the UK, so if that’s where the wedding is it doesn’t apply. £100 from the family is a perfectly adequate wedding gift to a nephew. If your kids are financially independent they could contribute another £50 between them.

luckylavender · 05/09/2023 15:26

Idrinklotsofcoffee · 05/09/2023 15:23

The rule is you at least cover your cost of attending, which is between £50-£100 per plate. As it's your nephew I would give at least between £200-£400.

There isn't a rule. Maybe in the US or Ireland, but not in Great Britain.

eosmum · 05/09/2023 15:26

I also believe in cover your plate. The cost of the meal per person would be the minimum.

luckylavender · 05/09/2023 15:27

HidingMyGratitude · 05/09/2023 15:21

Bloody hell. These numbers are insane.

OP, our family only has cash gift only weddings and our wedding was on the larger side (cost £30k). We also paid for transportation and accommodation in a Hilton for all.

Even then we expected only £50 from friends and £100 from close family like siblings and aunts.

And by and large this is what we got and we were more than happy with it.

Definitely don’t give more than £100, and if £50 is what you can afford that’s perfect.

'Expected?'

midgemadgemodge · 05/09/2023 15:27

Hundreds! Wow

I think it's rude to say "oh weddings cost a lot so you should give a lot of cash" - then the wedding invite becomes effective "you are invited provided you can stump up the cash"

Wedding can be very cheap - they chose to have an expensive wedding because it's what they want then it's on them

I suspect if it became the norm / expectation , far fewer people would attend !

OP start with what you could afford - do you save most months ? If you don't then a token is fine

TallerThanAverage · 05/09/2023 15:27

I don’t do cash for gifts unless they’ve specified what it’s for. I know some people won’t agree but I think it’s so impersonal. As far as how much to spend some of the answers here are crazy, £400/£500! I wouldn’t expect friends or family to spend that much money on us. I think £100/150 is more than enough if you can spare it, if not, spend what you can afford and no more. I definitely wouldn’t spend what I didn’t have on a gift for anyone.

Idrinklotsofcoffee · 05/09/2023 15:28

HidingMyGratitude · 05/09/2023 15:24

There is no such rule. YABU to put weddings in such avaricious terms.

Show quote history

Google "Cover Your Plate" Rule". You may disagree with it, but that isn't to say it doesn't exist.

ActDottie · 05/09/2023 15:28

My husband and I generally do £80 so maybe £150ish?

midgemadgemodge · 05/09/2023 15:31

Any Cover your plate rule is something someone devised not anything discovered by Bohr or Curie

Probably devised by someone in the industry to convince oeople to have expensive weddings as the cost would be recouped

ActDottie · 05/09/2023 15:32

Broodywuz · 05/09/2023 15:15

I'd say no less than £500 for a family of 4 adults as a gift for an all day wedding.

😂

TallerThanAverage · 05/09/2023 15:32

Idrinklotsofcoffee · 05/09/2023 15:23

The rule is you at least cover your cost of attending, which is between £50-£100 per plate. As it's your nephew I would give at least between £200-£400.

You don’t invite guests on the basis that their presence is in exchange for renumeration via a gift to the equivalent value of their attendance.

Maltaw · 05/09/2023 15:32

Min £50 per person. Giving a a family group shouldn't mean you give less than as individuals. I think how much they have spent on hosting you is relevant.

Id give more than £50 pp but it depends how skint you are.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 05/09/2023 15:33

I’d go £50pp .. and echo the others who said to return the champagne flutes…

MargotBamborough · 05/09/2023 15:34

£200 minimum, more if you can stretch to it. I'd give more if the wedding was reasonably local and it wasn't costing an arm and a leg to get to and stay in an inconvenient location.

We were given a set of champagne glasses (not flutes) as a wedding gift instead of cash. We do love them BUT they are incredibly beautiful and expensive and we were given eight of them. We get them out on very special occasions. No idea how much they cost but suspect it was more than €200.

Coral569 · 05/09/2023 15:34

Some of these numbers are crazy! I'd have felt uncomfortable if anyone tried to give me £100+ as a wedding gift, and most people turned up to ours with just a card or a nice bottle of booze. I think £50 from your family would be a nice amount.

We were also given some gorgeous champagne flutes for our wedding and I love them. They always remind me of the day when we get them out of the cupboard.

ColleenDonaghy · 05/09/2023 15:35

I'm Irish so I know my view on this are skewed, but I would be giving minimum £150 from a couple and a lot more for a niece or nephew. So at least £400 from the 4 of you I would say. I would consider just letting the adult DC do their own thing though.

Brownsauce83 · 05/09/2023 15:35

These numbers are ridiculous. Give an amount you can afford depending on your own circumstances. We never received gifts anything close to the amounts on this thread, nor did we expect them. Expecting to receive gifts to cover food would be incredibly vulgar. We’ve never gifted more than £50-100 from us as a family (how many people in a family is irrelevant) and it’s not common amongst my comfortably off friends and family.

TheGoogleMum · 05/09/2023 15:37

Don't give more than you can afford. I agree the flutes probably won't be wanted tbh. At our wedding (admittedly 7 years ago) we got approx £50 a couple from all day guests. However an uncle did give us £500 - he's a bit better off than the rest of us though! So it depends how well off you are, how close, and what you can actually afford

CantFindTheBeat · 05/09/2023 15:37

Idrinklotsofcoffee · 05/09/2023 15:23

The rule is you at least cover your cost of attending, which is between £50-£100 per plate. As it's your nephew I would give at least between £200-£400.

It's not the rule 🤣🤣🤣

OP - where are you, what's the culture where you are/your family?

In my world, you do not give in expectation to 'cover your plate' so, £100 for our family would be okay if DC lived at home.l

We have Irish friends who would give more than double or treble that though, so it really varies.

Georgieporgie29 · 05/09/2023 15:38

I would probably give £100 and the champagne flutes.

sone of these figures are crazy.

TicTacNicNak · 05/09/2023 15:42

You give what you can afford. Most likely you've already forked out on outfits or accessories. £50pp would be nice if you can afford it.

I agree with others though about ditching the champagne flutes. In my day it was bloody crystal decanters. Got several of the things and they've never been used in 33 years.

PinkTonic · 05/09/2023 15:47

Has ‘cover your plate’ tried to creep in because so many people are now aspiring to lavish weddings that they actually can’t afford, often because they already have other financial responsibilities like children? Bonkers. You host people at your wedding, or your parents do. It’s not a transaction with your guests.