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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People going on and on about themselves

89 replies

Thirder · 04/09/2023 11:26

I have an friend who is nice, but she goes on and on about her life, minute detail about things she does every day. Aibu to maybe mention it in a non offensive way?
I know she does this with other people too. I don't know why although she maybe thinks her life and job are fascinating. They are really not.
Shes a nice person, very cheery, but takes no interest in anyone else,their day or their job or how they feel. I really dont think she's a selfish person and feel that maybe someone should point it out to her. Is it my place?
How do other people deal with this?
Do I jump in and do the same? It's not my style so I normally smile and nod but I'm sure my eyes glaze over after a while and she doesn't notice.

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 04/09/2023 11:32

I have a friend like this and I find I have to sort of jump in. It’s feels rude to me and I don’t like it really, but she doesn’t seem to find it rude at all. It’s just normal conversation to her I think. If I do that it’s more workable.

once I decided to just wait until she asked me a question. An hour later, not a single one. I hadn’t spoken in an hour. I just excused myself and left.

Basically, you have to jump in. I wonder about adhd or nd, but anyway, adapt yourself if you can.

Annaishere · 04/09/2023 12:19

Maybe tell her she’s really speedy. It sounds like ADHD

happinessischocolate · 04/09/2023 12:32

I had a friend like this, so boring, she even admitted to not making eye contact whilst talking incase it gave the other person a chance to speak 😂

What was even worse was on 2 occasions that she turned up at my house she then took phone calls and spent ages talking on the phone! The first time was her one other friend, it was late and after half an hour I left her in the lounge and fucked off to bed, she let herself out 😂.

The second time was new years eve and she turned up with her ds at 8:30pm and was on the phone to her mother for 3 hours 😂 She'd bought her ds over to play with my dc and we were supposed to be having a few drinks. After we saw the new year in I again buggered off to bed with my dc rather than stay up and talk to her.

That was when I finally ended the "friendship"

User353463 · 04/09/2023 12:38

Some people are just like this. I think ND people tend to overuse anecdotes from their own lives as part of the conversation, rather than just talking non-stop without letting the other person get a word in edgewise. The few people I know who are exhausting to listen to are definitely NT, but thrive on attention and do not like being alone.

Roussette · 04/09/2023 13:02

Oh I have a relation like this. Honestly, I am exhausted after spending time with her.
She never ever ever stops talking. I cooked a Sunday lunch, and me and DH had finished ours and packed away our plates whilst she had taken one mouthful. Her breakfast croissant was still on the plate an hour and a half after we'd eaten ours. She can't eat for talking.

We had a family trip and were on a boat going up a canal. Unfortunately I was sat next to her and I was trying to take in every bit of it because it was so lovely, she was talking incessantly about her school days decades ago, so even when my head is turned away and I'm not even acknowledging what she's saying... she is still talking talking talking

It drives me potty. I don't know what the answer is. Jumping in and saying something prolongs the agony. But how it is prolonged, I don't know. She was here for a day and a half, and there was no respite. Sorry OP I'm no help!

JaneyGee · 04/09/2023 13:06

The definition of a bore is someone who talks endlessly about themselves (or their children). A lot of people are incapable of talking 'objectively', i.e about a subject that has nothing to do with them. And even when they do they have to know more than you, or resent you knowing more than them, or disagree just for the sake of it.

I have a friend like this. She was always a bit self-centred, but she's got even worse with age. I massively distance myself now, but on the rare occasions she comes round it's unbearable. If I tell her a story, or mention a book I'm reading, or whatever, it causes her physical pain. I mean that literally. You can see her body stiffen and tense. Her voice is twice as loud as mine, and when she talks, you can feel her listening to herself. It's really weird. I've even noticed her looking at her reflection as she jabbers away!

The most interesting people are interested in things outside of themselves – in science or art or music or film or sport or philosophy, or whatever. And they want to hear your opinions on those subjects. The friend I mentioned can talk for three or four hours straight (I honestly believe she could talk for eight hours without flagging), yet I couldn't tell you a thing she said. You never feel that she's really interested in anything. What she enjoys is talking and listening to herself talking.

Roussette · 04/09/2023 13:13

The friend I mentioned can talk for three or four hours straight (I honestly believe she could talk for eight hours without flagging), yet I couldn't tell you a thing she said. You never feel that she's really interested in anything.

Oh yes. I know this with my relation I posted about. When she is on a monologue I sometimes jump in with something actually really interesting or important and it's like I'm invisible! There is often a 5 second pause, a change of facial expression, a comment like "oh... right" and then a resumption of the monologue.

I have known 30 hours non stop talking apart from when she was asleep!

CauldronOfLove · 04/09/2023 13:14

Yup, have a sibling like this. I’ll literally put them on speakerphone and do chores around the house to save time.

What’s crazy is that they have a lot of friends who they talk to at length, so they must be repeating themselves several times!

Original poster
Thirder · 04/09/2023 13:15

That's so funny that it causes her physical pain. I can believe it. My friend always has something bigger or better or more interesting, if I do manage to tell her something. I saw something interesting with the weather, very innocuous observation, but she has seen many examples of it and more dramatic.
I mentioned how I know something about a mutual friend, but she knows already along with much more detail, cue long drawn out story.
She thinks she knows everything.
I may mention it next time, bit unsure how she'll handle it!
I wonder is it an insecurity, but she doesn't seem insecure at all. Just has zero interest in me or anything that's not to do with her and her life.

OP posts:
CauldronOfLove · 04/09/2023 13:16

@happinessischocolate Wow!

TheSkull · 04/09/2023 13:18

I had one of these. Talked at me for over 15 years but I doubt could tell me anything about me. Binned off three years ago. Emotionally draining.

CauldronOfLove · 04/09/2023 13:20

I don’t want to seem harsh @Thirder but why are you friends with her?

She sounds pretty boring and competitive, and quite hard to be around!

Maybe if you address it by saying how you feel, rather than on what she’s doing, she might be more open to listening to you?

XenoBitch · 04/09/2023 13:27

I had a friend like that. Continuous monologues, and mostly repeats. If she was talking about what other people were saying, she would put on a voice too.
She is now on the waiting list to be assessed for ASD, so it is probably part of that. I could not put up with it though, regardless of the reason. I felt a weight lift when I ended our friendship.

Iop · 04/09/2023 13:28

Oh my DM is like this! It's unbearable. I think in her case it's a combination of being very lonely, being very uncomfortable with silence, and a bizarre idea that she has to entertain people, or that people will only like her if she's "entertaining". The problem being that an endless monologue is entertaining to no-one, regardless of how animated your delivery is. I don't have any advice for you OP. I have mentioned it to my mum before; she either flat out denies doing it (her impression of herself is that she's some kind of shrinking violet 🤔) or she claims people enjoy it 😳

Iop · 04/09/2023 13:30

Actually, thinking about it, my mum's anecdotes often centre around what a good listener she is and how people are drawn to her because of it. The delusion goes deep!

Fairygoblin · 04/09/2023 13:32

I had the misfortune of a friend like this, very self absorbed. If she was getting to the end of her story she would start repeating herself so that she could still have centre stage! I'm rid of her now and it's bliss. Unlikely that your friend will change so I'd be inclined to just distance yourself from her

TheInterceptor · 04/09/2023 13:33

Yup

People going on and on about themselves
GalileoHumpkins · 04/09/2023 13:36

I have a friend like that, she will ask how I am but she's not really interested in the answer. She sort of uses it as a springboard into a monologue of how she is, what's going on with her, and alarmingly what she's watched on TV, her thoughts on how sad the latest celebrity death/scandal is. She's extremely uncomfortable with silence and has to fill it.
I do a lot of smiling and nodding and thankfully don't see her much.

Original poster
Thirder · 04/09/2023 13:40

CauldronOfLove · 04/09/2023 13:20

I don’t want to seem harsh @Thirder but why are you friends with her?

She sounds pretty boring and competitive, and quite hard to be around!

Maybe if you address it by saying how you feel, rather than on what she’s doing, she might be more open to listening to you?

It's not by choice really. More a type of life circumstance where we are drawn together quite frequently, with lots in common!
Its difficult, I feel life is too short to listen to the details surrounding her job and role changes, of which I have nothing to add or help with because it's completely alien to me.
Bit at the same time, maybe it helps her in some way to say it aloud, I don't know.

OP posts:
Greenpolkadot · 04/09/2023 13:57

I have a relative like this. As she has got older it seems to have got worse.
I haven't seen her since before COVID but it was getting worse before then
Endless talk of illnesses,medication her son..endless .Her poor husband.a lovely soul but unable to make any contribution to the conversation as she would raise her voice and drown him out
When my dsis and I visited we would take bets on how far into the conversation the precious wealthy important and successful son would make an appearance.

twinklystar23 · 04/09/2023 13:57

This is my mother! She rang once when I was out DH put her on speaker as he was cooking. He needed the loo and as couldn't get a word in, answered the call of nature, he returned and she was still talking completely unaware he had left and returned!

Beangrove · 04/09/2023 13:59

I used to have a work colleague like this, she was really lovely in a lot of ways, and had a kind heart, but just seemed to think her life was way more interesting than everyone else's. So you'd get to work and she'd call you over and go 'you will NEVER guess what happened at the weekend, go on guess!'

Erm no sorry no idea Susan....

WELL...remember me telling you about my ex? You know, the one with the Porsche? He's a project manager? Took me to Lake Garda on holiday? Before I knew you? He was the one before Dave, you know Dave with the, you know <whispers> big dick, I told you all about him.

Me, erm no not really sure...

WELL....I bumped into his sister, and she said he's got a new job! In Dubai! Can you believe it? Because when we were together he always said he'd never live abroad, not anywhere hot anyway. I wonder if he'll send me a message before he goes, he probably will you know, he might want to meet up to say goodbye <suggestive look>

I'm just desperately trying to step sideways towards the kitchen so I can make coffee while she drones on and on....

Ace56 · 04/09/2023 14:08

I’ve just been away with a group of friends and one of them is exactly like this. Whenever someone else spoke about themselves for a minute she would visibly glaze over or just change the conversation. Never allows anyone to speak about anything she’s not involved in/doesn’t like - e.g if we’re talking about a tv show she hasn’t watched, she won’t just let the conversation happen around her, she’ll then deliberately butt in to try and change it to something she can talk about too. It’s infuriating! If you haven’t watched the show just be quiet for a few mins while the rest of us talk about it, and wait for the conversation to naturally change to something else!

dontletsaskforthemoon · 04/09/2023 14:10

GalileoHumpkins · 04/09/2023 13:36

I have a friend like that, she will ask how I am but she's not really interested in the answer. She sort of uses it as a springboard into a monologue of how she is, what's going on with her, and alarmingly what she's watched on TV, her thoughts on how sad the latest celebrity death/scandal is. She's extremely uncomfortable with silence and has to fill it.
I do a lot of smiling and nodding and thankfully don't see her much.

oo similar with a friend here. She'll phone me to 'see how I am' and then ignore what I've said and talk nineteen to the dozen about XYZ in her life.

She happened to phone me on the morning that my DMIL died. She asked me how I was, I told her that X had died a few hours ago and she said 'oh I'm so sorry to hear that, so sad...I'm really upset at the moment too because the partner I've been seeing has turned out to be a right nightmare...' she then (and I can't believe I just didn't terminate the call) spent at least 20 minutes going into detail about what this partner had done during their six month relationship.... I mean the stuff they'd done was a bit shit but really?! I was a bit 'wtf'??

BodegaSushi · 04/09/2023 14:11

Annaishere · 04/09/2023 12:19

Maybe tell her she’s really speedy. It sounds like ADHD

That only took 3 posts! I have ADHD as do a lot of my friends and none of us are like this. The one friend I have like this is luckily not one I see often, tedious.