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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry DS has dropped out of uni

94 replies

vav · 03/09/2023 21:09

DS was due to start his 2nd year of uni in a couple of weeks, he seemed to really enjoy the first year and made a few friends.

He came home for summer a few months ago and he's found a girlfriend, and since his summer job has finished they've been together constantly. They're either here or at her house and I hardly see DS now on his own, and if he is he's in his room so we've not had a proper chat in weeks. I saw a message on his phone from his gf which read something like “have you told you mum yet?” which I of course panicked about and asked him what it meant. He said nothing and I asked if she was pregnant and he said no and said he'd dropped out of uni weeks ago.

I'm angry especially because he enjoyed the it so It seems like a he's only dropped out because he has a gf. She's 17 and due to go next year but I'm not sure if that's in her plans.

AIBU in being angry?

OP posts:
Stripeypyjamas · 03/09/2023 21:10

Yanbu but it's his life. Will he pay back any money you put up for his fees or accomodation?

ShellySarah · 03/09/2023 21:10

It depends on the reasons.

Has he dropped out as he hasn't enjoyed it as much as he let on or done badly in his exams.

If it's because of his gf then you've every right to be angry.

If she's going to uni then she's not making g major changes to her life for him.

Smartiepants79 · 03/09/2023 21:12

I’d also be fuming. Does he say why he’s made such a potentially life altering decision?
Was he not actually happy?
Did he not do as well as he told you?
Is this really all about a girl? If it is then he’s not being very bright.
What are the financial implications? Has her or you paid out for accommodation or fees or taken loans that must be repaid? What is actually planning to do with himself?
Time for him to grow up!

Deliana · 03/09/2023 21:12

Did he pass his first year exams?

EvilElsa · 03/09/2023 21:15

Well it depends really. What were his reasons? Is he planning to get a job?

DDivaStar · 03/09/2023 21:15

Well I guess you ask what his plan is. Obviously he needs to study or work so what's his next move...

InSpainTheRain · 03/09/2023 21:16

I dont think it will help - and better to drop out now than after he has incurred more debt.
Have a constructive conversation about what he does want to do instead.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 03/09/2023 21:17

On the assumption that he is over 18, given he would be entering second year at uni, then he is an adult... so why were you snooping on his phone?

Bibbetybobbity · 03/09/2023 21:17

Oh I can totally see why that’s annoying (and I was all set to say it was his decision etc etc when I read the title). Nope, super annoying and that it’s already done would have pissed me right off. If you have contributed at all financially- and I imagine that whatever your circs it’s considerable because it’s bloody expensive- I’d want that money back.

LIZS · 03/09/2023 21:21

Did he pass his first year? Resit any exams? Sign up to a rental? If he made the decision a while back it may not be just the gf influencing it. Ask him what his plans are.

Topseyt123 · 03/09/2023 21:33

Maybe it is to do with the girlfriend, or maybe there's more to it.

Clearly he has been afraid to tell you, so you need to keep calm and try to show some empathy to try and persuade him to open up to you. If he thinks you are going to bite his head off then I doubt he will want to talk.

I get that it is frustrating, but you need to get to the bottom of it.

Maybe he is on the wrong course. Maybe he would prefer to get work instead. Maybe he wasn't as happy last year as he let on. Uni is tough and it isn't for everyone.

Perhaps there is a chance he could go back to his summer job.

wavws · 03/09/2023 21:37

To be honest I doubt his girlfriend is behind this. I’m in my 20s and was at uni during the pandemic. Most 19 year olds at uni don’t date 17 year olds simply as they’re in different life stages - it’s only a 2 year age gap but they might not relate to much. Most people go to university for the sake of their future but you do get those that go for the social scene. Based on your post, I question if your son went to university for the right reasons and if he’s ready for university and the commitment it takes. He clearly feels more comfortable at home. Maybe a gap year would help him put his life into perspective? Being in a relationship shouldn’t pause his career and educational goals - it’s likely he was indifferent about this before he met her and she just tipped the scales into uni not being for him.

L0bstersLass · 03/09/2023 21:40

Did he pass his first year exams? Not sure that the blame can be laid at the door of the relationship.

JudgeRudy · 03/09/2023 21:41

I can understand your disappointment but you've not really said what his plan is. Tbh it's not really down to you what he does withbhis life but you can put in place rules he needs to follow whilst living with you eg you might have been happy to financially subsidise him whilst in education but now as an unemployed adult he's going to need to get a job and pay.
1 thing that does concern me...you were looking at your son's text messages. How did this happen? Please say it was accidental and that you don't go through his phone.
I don't know if you just haven't shared or if he just hasn't told you his plan/why he's dropped out. You seem to deduce its because he has a girlfriend then go on to say you don't know her plans (presumably uni). There's no real reason you should know her plans unless you've got to know her,but I'd have expected your son to share when confronted about the text.
I'm wondering if you're a bit too controlling and he's holding back. I also wonder if he's dropped out because she is pregnant!

wavws · 03/09/2023 21:43

Also I’d want to know why he wants to stop his education vs transferring to a more local university where he can still be around her. His decision to drop out vs transfer suggests he did not enjoy something about university.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/09/2023 21:46

vav · 03/09/2023 21:09

DS was due to start his 2nd year of uni in a couple of weeks, he seemed to really enjoy the first year and made a few friends.

He came home for summer a few months ago and he's found a girlfriend, and since his summer job has finished they've been together constantly. They're either here or at her house and I hardly see DS now on his own, and if he is he's in his room so we've not had a proper chat in weeks. I saw a message on his phone from his gf which read something like “have you told you mum yet?” which I of course panicked about and asked him what it meant. He said nothing and I asked if she was pregnant and he said no and said he'd dropped out of uni weeks ago.

I'm angry especially because he enjoyed the it so It seems like a he's only dropped out because he has a gf. She's 17 and due to go next year but I'm not sure if that's in her plans.

AIBU in being angry?

Maybe he enjoyed it a little too much and didn’t exactly get the work part of Uni done.

Who knows?

Maybe he intends to transfer courses to go to same Uni as his gf in a year and spend this year working and saving?

I think you need to squash down anger- no reason to be angry- and have an adult conversation about his plans for the next few years.

Too if he’s living at home, will you expect him to contribute and pay rent/bills?

melj1213 · 03/09/2023 22:03

I think YABU if you haven't actually got any proper information as to why he dropped out.

You need to put aside your anger and sit down and speak to him about what has happened.

Has he dropped out because he couldn't manage (eg MH/homesickness) and so there might be an option to look at somewhere closer to transfer to? Or was it that he failed exams/coursework and has dropped out out of embarrassment or because he didn't ask about whether there were other options (resitting exams, repeating the year etc) available so assumed he was about to be kicked out anyway? Or has he realised Uni isn't for him and has decided to do a vocational course or get a job instead but wanted to be set up before he told you? Or has he just dropped out because he CBA and expects you to bank roll him indefinitely?

How you proceed would depend on why he dropped out and what his future plans are. You also need to have a discussion about how he is going to support himself - I would be willing to support a DC who was planning to re-enroll to a different course whether immediately or after a (productive) gap year or if they had some sort of concrete future plan, but if they just planned to lie around at home contributing nothing then they would be getting a deadline at which point they needed to be paying their way and/or contributing or would need to find another place to live.

givemeasunnyday · 03/09/2023 22:12

Have you actually asked him why he's dropped out? YABU either way, he is an adult and it is his choice.

jallopeno · 03/09/2023 22:14

Maybe he absolutely hated it?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2023 22:20

If he passed first year he can use those credits to transfer to another degree close to where you live or with open university, if he's sure he wants to stay living at home

NerrSnerr · 03/09/2023 22:34

You need to put aside your emotions and find out why he has dropped out. Did he pass his exams? There's a lot of pressure to love the first year of university so he might not have had as much fun as he made out (I know a lot of people who outwardly had an amazing time at university but were secretly really miserable).

Original poster
vav · 03/09/2023 22:38

I wasn't snooping on his phone, he'd left it on the side and I saw the message pop up. He passed his first year. He doesn't have any plans and doesn't want to transfer unis because he liked the one he was at which makes no sense because he dropped out.
It probably is the gf though as he spends way too much time with her, they have sleepovers most nights and I thought it’d stop once she goes back to college but he's said he's going to sleep at hers.

OP posts:
Original poster
vav · 03/09/2023 22:42

Posted without adding. He used his trust fund which I was putting money into often which yes, was his money but now it feels wasted. I wouldn't have minded if he had a good reason/didn't want to go in the first place but he doesn't and I asked him multiple times if he was sure about going and wasn't just wanting to go because his friends were.

OP posts:
NutellaNut · 03/09/2023 22:43

Has he officially dropped out and actually told the Uni he is leaving? If not, it may not be too late to talk to him about it to find out the reasons behind it before it’s too late to change his mind.

EvilElsa · 03/09/2023 22:57

It's disappointing, but it's his life. He needs to have a plan though. He needs to start looking for a job if he wants to quit uni. He can't just stay at home and spend his days with his girlfriend living off mum and dad. He needs to contribute towards the household if he is leaving education. Hopefully he can find a job/traineeship that will spark his interest and give him some focus.

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