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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry DS has dropped out of uni

94 replies

vav · 03/09/2023 21:09

DS was due to start his 2nd year of uni in a couple of weeks, he seemed to really enjoy the first year and made a few friends.

He came home for summer a few months ago and he's found a girlfriend, and since his summer job has finished they've been together constantly. They're either here or at her house and I hardly see DS now on his own, and if he is he's in his room so we've not had a proper chat in weeks. I saw a message on his phone from his gf which read something like “have you told you mum yet?” which I of course panicked about and asked him what it meant. He said nothing and I asked if she was pregnant and he said no and said he'd dropped out of uni weeks ago.

I'm angry especially because he enjoyed the it so It seems like a he's only dropped out because he has a gf. She's 17 and due to go next year but I'm not sure if that's in her plans.

AIBU in being angry?

OP posts:
Autieangel · 04/09/2023 06:20

His choice. He needs to get a job . He will probably regret it down the line but he can always return to education at s later point.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 04/09/2023 06:52

suburbophobe · 03/09/2023 23:11

On the assumption that he is over 18, given he would be entering second year at uni, then he is an adult... so why were you snooping on his phone?

I agree. His phone is his private. But.... adult brains aren't formed fully till 25.

Let him do his own thing OP. Just be there for him.

Are you having a laugh? Long before I was 25, I had left the family home and had my own bills, job etc. I am with the majority I'd imagine. You seriously think my mother should have been able to come round and nosey at my phone? Even if it's sitting on the side unlocked, you don't just go over and have a look. It is massively intrusive!

PostOpOp · 04/09/2023 07:06

Legocrayola · 04/09/2023 05:19

You have a right to be angry and disappointed. But I wouldn't be sharing my feelings about the matter with him. He's old enough to make and learn from his own mistakes.

What I would be doing is sitting down with him and advising him that you wouldn't be funding his lifestyle from here on out. So ask him what he plans to do now? You expect so much keep per month which he must pay if he expects to live with you. You will not be funding anything like phones, clothes, nights out. Leave him to sort it.

This.

And he also has to do a share of housework, cooking and food shopping. He's an adult, apparently, making adult decisions, so he should be expecting and happy to be treated like one.

If you feel bad taking money from him then put it aside and give it back to him later, but don't tell him that.

Willmafrockfit · 04/09/2023 07:09

of course you are angry and disappointed,
but no need to keep hold of the anger
ask him what his plans are for the future?

Beseen22 · 04/09/2023 07:27

I left uni after first year when I was that age. Hated every second of it. Felt overwhelmed the whole year and didn't know how to study because I'd been fairly smart and capable to get through highers without studying. So when the level of learning changed I couldn't keep up and felt like a constant failure. Its pretty common. I got a job within a week and worked there for 5 years and got 2 promotions.

I did regret it down the line so went on to do a more practical less academic course and learned how to study so never fell behind. It was a lot more expensive and difficult trying to do a degree with a mortgage and children but we got there in the end.

My DM didn't take it well, she still likes to remind me of the career I could have had and on my graduation said "well you did choose an easier degree to do". I haven't taken a single penny from them since I was 17 and we have a fairly difficult relationship now. Obviously it's not an option for DS to sit about the house and he needs to be working if he's not studying but while I can understand your anger, is it worth compromising your relationship with him to prove the point that you are angry? He has probably known for a while that he wouldn't be going back and didn't feel like he was able to speak to you about it.

em3392 · 04/09/2023 07:52

I hated university. I never told my parents how I was feeling at the time, from the outside they probably thought I loved it too, but in reality those 4yrs were a really bad time for me and I considered dropping out numerous times but never had the balls to do it. My husband on the other hand did drop out of uni in his second year. We now do the exact same job getting paid the exact same salary. University isn't the be all and end all of everything. A degree doesn't mean much these days, you're paying for the 'experience' really.

StoatofDisarray · 04/09/2023 07:56

He should apply to interrupt asap. At least it puts off the decision for a year (hopefully until after the honeymoon period has worn off).

Xrays · 04/09/2023 08:03

Put it to him that if he’s not going back that’s fine but he’s expected to find a full time job and pay rent like any other adult would. And the girlfriend is not allowed to stay as if she lives there. I’m sure he’ll change his mind pretty fast - or bugger off to her house, but if she’s 17 I wonder if her parents would be happy with that.

Pipsquiggle · 04/09/2023 08:35

What was his degree? Was it something that would actually get him on in life in the career he wanted e.g. medicine, law, computer science, data

If so I would encourage him to do a long distance relationship.

It's so hard as he thinking so short term if he's doing this over a teenage crush.

At uni I do know people who did marry their 'first love' from home, they just made it work whilst they were at uni.

I think you need to point out he has options, he doesn't just need to drop out of uni.

crew2022 · 04/09/2023 08:52

It's such a worry. Girls can have a real influence over boys at this age (I speak from experience with one of my own dc who did not take up an offer at uni, now lives with the gf and has no real career or plan and is heavily influenced by her family views and expectations and has virtually turned his back on us).
You need to tread carefully imo because you don't want to push him further towards her.
It would be reasonable to ask about his plan as he needs to support himself but also remember that at 19 their brains are not as mature as their bodies.

LegendsBeyond · 04/09/2023 08:59

You need to put boundaries in place quickly for living at home again. He needs to pay rent, get a job, help around the house etc. Don’t let him get too comfortable or he’ll be lounging on the sofa every day.

billy1966 · 04/09/2023 09:29

PostOpOp · 04/09/2023 07:06

This.

And he also has to do a share of housework, cooking and food shopping. He's an adult, apparently, making adult decisions, so he should be expecting and happy to be treated like one.

If you feel bad taking money from him then put it aside and give it back to him later, but don't tell him that.

Show quote history

This.

He would not be having the student life having given up university.

Has he really thought this through do you think?

I would be laying the above on, thick and hard.

Leave zero ambiguity as to how his life will change and ask what he will be doing next year when she heads off?

I would try and remain deathly calm despite being very upset and disappointed at his choice.

Focus on the practicalities of him getting a job ...TODAY.

Not next month, but TODAY.

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 04/09/2023 09:34

Whatever his reasons, there are practicalities (financial mainly) that need to be dealt with asap.

What was his accommodation going to be? Because if he's not yet informed anyone he's not going back, he could find himself liable for a year's rent. Most 2nd year accommodation contracts are joint and several, so it would be up to him to find a replacement (quickly at this stage) or his flatmates will be liable. And I'd be far more morally aghast at a child of mine treating others in that way than dropping uni just because.

CynicalCake · 04/09/2023 09:40

It is 100% his decision. If he wants to go in the future then he can apply and have a go at getting in again.

He needs to come to with an alternative plan even if it's temping, or stocking shelves in the supermarket but way too many people drift into going to uni.

I would he nothing but cheerful and set my own reasonable ground roles (be home by midnight / pay nominal fee for rent if necessary) and let him crack on with taking charge of his own future. He could learn a trade. Go to night classes at the local college to learn something he wants. He might even need to drift for a while in crappy jobs until it all comes together in his own mind.

curaçao · 04/09/2023 09:44

I think he's failed otherwise he could transfer or take a year out

Reality25 · 04/09/2023 10:18

  1. Some people are clever enough to learn from other people's mistakes.

  2. Some people learn from their own mistakes.

  3. Some people don't learn from mistakes.

In this topic, your son has failed at 1), and currently can do either 2) or 3). Part of it is possibly your fault for not conveying enough the importance of going to university, not failing the degree, not dropping out etc. Showing examples of the likely consequences etc.

But too late to fix that.

However, it's not too late for 2) but if you want to avoid him becoming 3) then you need to get him to go through the hardship of experiencing his consequences before it's too late. That means forcing him to get a job and sustain himself. It's probably going to be a hard, low-pay job and he is likely going to hate it. Don't offer a safety net or he will drop out of the job as well.

Eventually he will hit a moment where he realises he messed up and hopefully talk to you about helping him retrain. Be supportive at that time and give him a second chance at university.

Alternatively, if he dropped out with a strong plan in mind then by all means support him with that plan if sensible. The above was only if he dropped out due to apathy/laziness.

sashh · 04/09/2023 10:32

My parents blamed a lot on my boyfriend in my teens / 20s but it wasn't him and OP you do not know why he has dropped out.

He can go back at any time if he has passed his first year.

You need to talk to him and to listen. For all you know his gf has been telling him to tell you for weeks.

TheCatterall · 04/09/2023 11:19

So if he’s officially dropped out for a year I’m presuming he’s got a full time job, is helping more round the house and contributing both in chores and financially and house rules are agreed as to how much time gf can spend at yours/sleep over.

old enough to decide his future etc then he’s old enough to contribute to the running of a household or get his own.

Original poster
vav · 04/09/2023 11:43

His degree was crime and investigation studies and he definitely passed. His girlfriend is at college but I don't know if her plan is to go to uni next year or not. He did get his accommodation sorted which is also why I'm annoyed. He seemed to love it and didn't come home very often so didn't seem homesick.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/09/2023 11:44

I wonder has he definitely past his exams too.

Not being prepared to defer and keeping everything from you would make me suspicious.

Pipsquiggle · 04/09/2023 12:05

Why are there always people that state 'It's 100% his decision. He's 18, he can do what he likes!'?

I was a real prat when I was 18, as were many of my peers. Didn't think about long term consequences. I thought I knew everything but really didn't know anything at all. With hindsight, I definitely needed those uni years to grow up a bit before launching into full-on adulthood.

Parents do still have to tell DC and point out when they are are being dicks or making calamitous decisions that could affect their life chances

Original poster
vav · 04/09/2023 13:32

billy1966 · 04/09/2023 11:44

I wonder has he definitely past his exams too.

Not being prepared to defer and keeping everything from you would make me suspicious.

As I've said in my comments, he definitely did pass.

OP posts:
enchantedsquirrelwood · 04/09/2023 13:53

So, it is too late for him to defer for a year? Is that even an option?

The priority is to find someone else for his accommodation (probably not difficult, given the accommodation crisis in a lot of university towns and cities).

And then to find a job while he works out what he wants to do next. If he could defer he could at least work this year and then go back if he's had enough of a boring, low paid job and when the relationship ends

enchantedsquirrelwood · 04/09/2023 13:55

Pipsquiggle · 04/09/2023 12:05

Why are there always people that state 'It's 100% his decision. He's 18, he can do what he likes!'?

I was a real prat when I was 18, as were many of my peers. Didn't think about long term consequences. I thought I knew everything but really didn't know anything at all. With hindsight, I definitely needed those uni years to grow up a bit before launching into full-on adulthood.

Parents do still have to tell DC and point out when they are are being dicks or making calamitous decisions that could affect their life chances

I totally agree, especially when the parents are financing them, whether that's directly out of income, or savings as in this case.

Checkcurtains · 04/09/2023 14:00

If he's doing a crime and investigation course he's far more sensible to have dropped out and find a job in that field where he can both get paid and undertake a worthwhile vocational qualification

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