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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Angry DS has dropped out of uni

94 replies

vav · 03/09/2023 21:09

DS was due to start his 2nd year of uni in a couple of weeks, he seemed to really enjoy the first year and made a few friends.

He came home for summer a few months ago and he's found a girlfriend, and since his summer job has finished they've been together constantly. They're either here or at her house and I hardly see DS now on his own, and if he is he's in his room so we've not had a proper chat in weeks. I saw a message on his phone from his gf which read something like “have you told you mum yet?” which I of course panicked about and asked him what it meant. He said nothing and I asked if she was pregnant and he said no and said he'd dropped out of uni weeks ago.

I'm angry especially because he enjoyed the it so It seems like a he's only dropped out because he has a gf. She's 17 and due to go next year but I'm not sure if that's in her plans.

AIBU in being angry?

OP posts:

Lambiriyani · 04/09/2023 14:04

Crime and investigation. Is is worth spending

+£27k on such a degree?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 04/09/2023 14:07

You’re allowed to be annoyed and a bit disappointed but at the end of the day it’s his life and he can do as he wishes.

you have two choices, accept it and move forward with the understanding that he is now an independent adult living at home and needs to physically and financially pull his weight accordingly.

or keep on being disappointed and let it potentially ruin your relationship.

BathingBeauty · 04/09/2023 14:15

The main problem is he didn’t tell you and had all the free time to hang out with his girlfriend.

He needs to get a job, pay rent, start looking after himself asap. I’d tell him it’s fine if that’s not what he wants to do - but within the next 2 weeks he either needs to sign up to study/get a job.

I do know someone whose child who is doing a similar degree with the idea of joining the police, otherwise I’m not sure it’s massively worth it anyway.

ohtowinthelottery · 04/09/2023 14:21

My DS dropped out of Uni the week before the start of year 2 but he did say he wasn't enjoying the course.

We asked him what his plan was now - as lying in bed playing online wasn't an option - and he decided he would take a year out, get a job and decide if he wanted to go to uni again the following year to study something different. I made sure he investigated all options and sent him links to jobs when he said there were none available!

He worked 12 months in retail, decided he wanted to study a humanities subject instead of a science, reapplied to a different uni, studied an A level in his chosen subject in 5 months in his spare time and sat the exam - even though he'd got an unconditional offer at the new Uni.

He happily went off to uni again 12 months after dropping out. Loved his subject, got a 1st and then stayed on and did a Masters.

No girlfriend was responsible for any of those decisions!

You need to sit your DS down and discuss his future plans - especially if it looks like he'll be bumming around doing not much. Adult or not, he hasn't got the maturity to see further than his last decision by the sound of it.

Beautiful3 · 04/09/2023 14:25

Does that mean he now owes for his 2nd year tuition and accommodation fees? I'd make him go back. His girlfriend shouldn't be allowed over at night, I'd kick her out. You've made him feel far too comfortable. He's never going to progress nor move out because he's too comfortable at his mums, he gets everything he wants. If he stays home, he has to go get a job, pay rent, share chores. The girlfriend can pop over, but needs to leave by 8pm.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 04/09/2023 15:23

i'd just leave him to it - stop any further money - say the girlfriend can't sleep over anymore. I'd literally provide breakfast lunch and dinner of whatever you are having yourself and nothing else.

How is he going to live / go out / pay for his phone etc

How long would the girlfriends parents feed him for and put him u for? doubt they will just have him move in

AllOfThemWitches · 04/09/2023 15:25

Yeah of course it's the girlfriend's fault...

Uni isn't the be all and end all.

Hibiscrubbed · 04/09/2023 17:53

Well, I think he’s a bloody fool. And I’d be very cross too. I’d tell him I thought he was an idiot and leave him to it until he comes to his senses.

Original poster

vav · 04/09/2023 17:56

I've spoken to DS and he said he was lying and he hasn't really dropped out so I'm unsure what to think. I couldn't talk to him for very long as he was going out. If I stopped the girlfriend coming over he would go to hers anyway because her parents don't mind/care.

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 04/09/2023 18:09

Sorry OP but he's starting to sound like a real dick. He was lying??? Or he's lying about lying??

Original poster

vav · 04/09/2023 19:18

HundredMilesAnHour · 04/09/2023 18:09

Sorry OP but he's starting to sound like a real dick. He was lying??? Or he's lying about lying??

He said he was lying about dropping out but I'm not sure I believe him. I didn't put any pressure on him to attend in the first place and I haven't let him know that I'm angry.

OP posts:

AllOfThemWitches · 04/09/2023 19:22

So is the girlfriend pregnant then ?

LIZS · 04/09/2023 19:25

So back to business as usual? When is he due to move back?

HamBone · 04/09/2023 19:30

I agree with PP’s that you need to swallow your anger (I’d be secretly fuming too) and talk to him about his plans. If he’s signed a lease for his second-year accommodation, he’ll have to use his trust fund money to pay for it.

He’ll also need to work out what he’s going to do instead of going to uni, because he’s 19 and you’re not responsible for him anymore. I’m sure you’re happy to offer advice if he wants it, but that’s all you can offer. You’re not obliged to pay all his bills, for example, unless he’s in f-t education.

Oblomov23 · 04/09/2023 19:31

He needs to show you some respect and sit down and talk about all this properly. If he was lying, being flippant about such a serious thing then that would make me cross.

Qilin · 04/09/2023 19:33

I'd be cross if dd hadn't told me and also spent the whole summer with a gf/bf and not finding a way to support herself.

Most universities finished early to mid June. He didn't need a summer job - he ended a proper, ongoing, permanent job. To at least to be applying for them and going for interviews. Likely he has just spent the last 3+ months doing nothing to ensure he could support himself. If he is an adult then it's time he made moves to support himself financially as one.

His girlfriend is two academic years younger, so in a different education/work stage. Chances are it's going to be a tricky year anyway - will she and her parents really want a boyfriend staying over when she's supposed to be revising and doing exams?

BrawnWild · 04/09/2023 19:39

Just give it a few days to cool off and speak to him like he has made a sensible decision. For example,

when will you be working full time
can you afford your share of the household bills here or will you be moving out?
what do you expect from him because he (presumably) cant live with you forever so what are his plans.

Be unwaveringly supportive of him and girlfriend. In a year she will be off on her own adventure

Original poster

vav · 04/09/2023 20:15

He's due to move back next week. I asked him if his girlfriend is pregnant and again he said no the went out so I have no idea what the message was about yesterday and why he lied.

OP posts:

HamBone · 04/09/2023 21:22

I’d do as @BrawnWild suggests and give it a few days. He might start packing for uni and that’ll be the end of it. If he doesn’t, he’ll need to share his plans with you.

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