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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry DS has dropped out of uni

94 replies

vav · 03/09/2023 21:09

DS was due to start his 2nd year of uni in a couple of weeks, he seemed to really enjoy the first year and made a few friends.

He came home for summer a few months ago and he's found a girlfriend, and since his summer job has finished they've been together constantly. They're either here or at her house and I hardly see DS now on his own, and if he is he's in his room so we've not had a proper chat in weeks. I saw a message on his phone from his gf which read something like “have you told you mum yet?” which I of course panicked about and asked him what it meant. He said nothing and I asked if she was pregnant and he said no and said he'd dropped out of uni weeks ago.

I'm angry especially because he enjoyed the it so It seems like a he's only dropped out because he has a gf. She's 17 and due to go next year but I'm not sure if that's in her plans.

AIBU in being angry?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 03/09/2023 23:01

I would be disappointed but all you can do is let him make his own choices.
Also stop funding him, he is an adult now, out of education = finding a job to support himself.

Quitelikeit · 03/09/2023 23:02

I’d be furious too!

Quitelikeit · 03/09/2023 23:03

Love doesn’t pay the rent as they say

Conkersinautumn · 03/09/2023 23:04

It's his choice to make so I'm not sure why YOU are angry, he's not there to tick boxes of your choosing.

Paq · 03/09/2023 23:07

TomatoSandwiches · 03/09/2023 23:01

I would be disappointed but all you can do is let him make his own choices.
Also stop funding him, he is an adult now, out of education = finding a job to support himself.

This. Start charging him rent, stop subsiding him and tell him he's got six months to be financially independent and living away from home.

He's an idiot to give up for no good reason at this stage.

Hawkins0009 · 03/09/2023 23:11

seems like hes wasting a good prospects especially if he passed the first year.

suburbophobe · 03/09/2023 23:11

On the assumption that he is over 18, given he would be entering second year at uni, then he is an adult... so why were you snooping on his phone?

I agree. His phone is his private. But.... adult brains aren't formed fully till 25.

Let him do his own thing OP. Just be there for him.

Lambiriyani · 03/09/2023 23:16

Conkersinautumn · 03/09/2023 23:04

It's his choice to make so I'm not sure why YOU are angry, he's not there to tick boxes of your choosing.

He didn't tell his mother that he dropped out.

Tilllly · 03/09/2023 23:18

Can he contact the Uni and take a year out while he figures out what he wants to do?

MsRosley · 03/09/2023 23:42

I'd be jolly pissed off too, but kick him out and let him learn the hard way.

RojoCarlottaValdez · 03/09/2023 23:42

Trust fund boy is in a fuck-haze and lost all interest in going back to university for his second year. He obviously isn't highly motivated, committed or interested in his subject, or no 17 year old girl on the planet would have distracted him.

If he wanted to go back he would go back, but he doesn't.
When his relationship with this teenager crashes and burns, he'll want to go to university and start again, probably somewhere else with a different course, and they'll take him, because it's a business. So it will all be okay in the end.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 03/09/2023 23:53

Conkersinautumn · 03/09/2023 23:04

It's his choice to make so I'm not sure why YOU are angry, he's not there to tick boxes of your choosing.

Perhaps because she’s a parent not an automaton. Most parents would be angry to see their child throwing away an opportunity for the sake of a teen crush.

ClairDeLaLune · 03/09/2023 23:59

Conkersinautumn · 03/09/2023 23:04

It's his choice to make so I'm not sure why YOU are angry, he's not there to tick boxes of your choosing.

Presumably because she’s invested a lot of her own money in his future which is now wasted, and he didn’t have the grace to tell her.

moresleepthanks · 03/09/2023 23:59

This why our financial advisor said that our dc shouldn't have unfettered access to their trust funds until they were 35 🤣

TeenLifeMum · 04/09/2023 00:01

It’s his life and you likely don’t know the full story. 20 years ago I dropped out of uni but my parents don’t know the real reason to this day. I was raped and needed to be home. My parents probably thought it was because of a boy (my now husband) but that wasn’t the reason. I’m now doing a masters, funded by my workplace.

let him pave his own path and support him. making the decision to leave and be a failure in your parent’s eyes is hard. My mum took years to forgive me but my father told me he loved me and wanted to see me happy, and that he was proud I made a brave decision when he knows it wouldn’t have been easy.

I think it’s hard because you grieve the life you had mapped out for your dc in your head but you need to move forward and realise it’s not the end of the world and find a way to support this young adult and ensure he knows he’s loved.

ZenNudist · 04/09/2023 00:05

Suggest he try and defer a year or find a less permanent way to take a break. If its already done I don't fancy your chances of getting your money back. Cut him off from here and he needs to get a job.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/09/2023 00:08

Where is he supposed to be living this term? Had he arranged housing? If he hasn't, it seems like the decision not to do his second year was made some time ago. Most students have got something organised by Easter, if not before, for the forthcoming year.
If he has arranged something, you will almost certainly have been asked to guarantee his rent. So has he entered into a rental contract? How is that going to be financed?
There's a lot more to unpick here, you might be liable for rent for the whole year . You need to be asking a lot more questions. Has he applied for student finance or does the trust cover fees as well as accommodation?

ExperiencedTeacher · 04/09/2023 00:12

TeenLifeMum · 04/09/2023 00:01

It’s his life and you likely don’t know the full story. 20 years ago I dropped out of uni but my parents don’t know the real reason to this day. I was raped and needed to be home. My parents probably thought it was because of a boy (my now husband) but that wasn’t the reason. I’m now doing a masters, funded by my workplace.

let him pave his own path and support him. making the decision to leave and be a failure in your parent’s eyes is hard. My mum took years to forgive me but my father told me he loved me and wanted to see me happy, and that he was proud I made a brave decision when he knows it wouldn’t have been easy.

I think it’s hard because you grieve the life you had mapped out for your dc in your head but you need to move forward and realise it’s not the end of the world and find a way to support this young adult and ensure he knows he’s loved.

I’m so sorry this was your experience but this is such good advice.

My husband left uni (not “dropped out”) after the first year because he was suffering from mental ill health. His parents were totally oblivious to it, despite him wanting to tell them he just couldn’t find the words and they couldn’t see it. Their reactions to him leaving still cause him hurt 25 years later. He has had CBT for his anxiety and this was something they explored. His parents made him feel like a failure and like he’d thrown away any successful future they could see for him.

He has a successful career in the civil service and earns considerably more than the usual roles associated with his degree choice.

OP, please support your son in this decision. Your reaction and the language you use now will stay with him forever.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 04/09/2023 00:29

Try not to be angry and have a more useful discussion with him. Has he definitely told uni he's not going back and what does he plan to do instead? If possible, would he take a year out? Relationship may fìzzlle out or the gf have a plan for future study that may influence where he wants to be.

Nanny0gg · 04/09/2023 00:48

Is he planning to get a job?
Is his girlfriend at school or college?
Had he already got accommodation for next term? Does the uni know?

PostMasting · 04/09/2023 00:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

sezzer87 · 04/09/2023 01:31

If this were my mum son I would politely inform him of the new rent costs he'll be having to pay when he goes to work full time and no longer has much time or money to socialise or be with his girlfriend. He'll soon regret his decision to enter an adult life instead of making the most of his Youth and studying.

Longagonow96 · 04/09/2023 05:10

suburbophobe · 03/09/2023 23:11

On the assumption that he is over 18, given he would be entering second year at uni, then he is an adult... so why were you snooping on his phone?

I agree. His phone is his private. But.... adult brains aren't formed fully till 25.

Let him do his own thing OP. Just be there for him.

This is MN. Where you have all the rights of an adult the minute you hit 18 and none of the responsibilities for another 7 years, and parents are always, always in the wrong.

Legocrayola · 04/09/2023 05:19

You have a right to be angry and disappointed. But I wouldn't be sharing my feelings about the matter with him. He's old enough to make and learn from his own mistakes.

What I would be doing is sitting down with him and advising him that you wouldn't be funding his lifestyle from here on out. So ask him what he plans to do now? You expect so much keep per month which he must pay if he expects to live with you. You will not be funding anything like phones, clothes, nights out. Leave him to sort it.

user1492757084 · 04/09/2023 06:18

Yes, it is his choice but do not fund his lifestyle choices.
And ask him to seek proper advice as to whether to quit or defer or go part time etc ..
He needs to consult a career advisor.
My guess is that he will change hismind again within the year.