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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want to Decline Destination Wedding Invite

122 replies

Calyco · 03/09/2023 05:01

Just got a save the date for my husband's cousin's wedding. It is on my son's 3rd birthday and is a destination wedding in another country that does not speak English. It will take about 18 hrs to get there including 2 layovers. Everyone will have to travel to this wedding as no one invited lives anywhere close. Just feel as though this is quite a lot to ask of everyone and I know he is only turning 3, but I look forward to making a big to do out of his birthday. Would it be horrible to decline? Groom is my husband's first cousin.

OP posts:
gannett · 03/09/2023 08:34

readingmakesmehappy · 03/09/2023 08:27

I loathe destination weddings. A v close family member is having one in a close European country next year and I am extremely fucked off about the expense and time (means no other holidays for us). If it was 18 hours away there's no chance I'd go.

If you're that angry just don't go. I'm sure the bride and groom would rather you weren't there if you're just going to be a seething, furious presence.

Everyone I know who's had a destination wedding has been perfectly fine to have had invitations declined because they know that's to be expected.

Awrite · 03/09/2023 08:34

Snowball's chance in hell I would go to a destination wedding that far away.

Zanatdy · 03/09/2023 08:35

18hrs, a 3yr old and just a cousin. I’d decline. Sibling yes, but I wouldn’t go all that way with a young child for a cousin. I’m sure they are expecting a lot of declines, offer to take them for a meal on return

jallopeno · 03/09/2023 08:36

Yeah that won't work. I imagine they don't want you to come but Are inviting to be polite

HungryandIknowit · 03/09/2023 08:36

I was going to say YABU, but 18 hours, no way. I think you nerd to be prepared for your husband to miss your 3 yo's birthday though.

CoreopsisEverywhere · 03/09/2023 08:36

Decline and don’t give it another thought.

I couldn't face travelling 18 hours for my own wedding, let alone anyone else’s!

GrandHighPoohbah · 03/09/2023 08:37

Just RSVP promptly with "Thank you for the lovely invite. Unfortunately we can't make it over, but wish you an unforgettable day". I wouldn't even be entertaining going with such a young child.

RampantIvy · 03/09/2023 08:38

I'm assuming that the cousin is living in their home country. Distance alone is a good reason to say "Unfortunately we are unable to attend".

You don't need to give any reasons, just say no.

The non English speaking and 3 year old's birthday are silly non reasons to not want to attend.

RampantIvy · 03/09/2023 08:40

readingmakesmehappy · 03/09/2023 08:27

I loathe destination weddings. A v close family member is having one in a close European country next year and I am extremely fucked off about the expense and time (means no other holidays for us). If it was 18 hours away there's no chance I'd go.

So just say you can't go. Don't feel guilt tripped into going. I find it easy to say no to things like this in a polite and non confrontational way.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 03/09/2023 08:40

We have a couple of destination weddings next year. We are going to one but not the other as we aren’t as close to the second couple. Your husband should go though if he wants to. Personally I like a destination particularly if somewhere I wouldn’t choose so for me nice to see other places.

loislovesstewie · 03/09/2023 08:43

I wouldn't go unless I had decided to tack the wedding on to a holiday and if I actually wanted to holiday in that place. just say no.

WhatNoRaisins · 03/09/2023 08:45

Believe it or not I have heard of people who've planned destination weddings saying things like "but they've been given over a year to save for it". Some people are going to be demanding and it's ok to say no.

BlackberryCrumbs · 03/09/2023 08:45

It's an invitation not a summons. If the date/destination doesn't work for you just politely decline and wish them a good day.

PinkRoses1245 · 03/09/2023 08:46

Your comment about a country that doesn’t speak English is bizarre. Most of the world doesn’t speak English…
but just politely decline. They’ve chosen to prioritise destination over guests, so they have to expect a fair amount of declines. Send them a wedding card and gift when they get back.

CruCru · 03/09/2023 08:49

Say no but do it now. Don’t leave the cousin guessing.

RampantIvy · 03/09/2023 08:50

Believe it or not I have heard of people who've planned destination weddings saying things like "but they've been given over a year to save for it"

I do believe it. A work colleague organised a destination hen do for a friend several years ago. I queried the expense and that some of the hens might not be able to afford it, and that was her response.

I think it shows a level of arrogance on the part of the bride/MOH when this happens because they overestimate their importance to the guests.

The hen do I went to yesterday was an afternoon tea that cost less than £20 and a good time was had by all.

gannett · 03/09/2023 08:54

RampantIvy · 03/09/2023 08:50

Believe it or not I have heard of people who've planned destination weddings saying things like "but they've been given over a year to save for it"

I do believe it. A work colleague organised a destination hen do for a friend several years ago. I queried the expense and that some of the hens might not be able to afford it, and that was her response.

I think it shows a level of arrogance on the part of the bride/MOH when this happens because they overestimate their importance to the guests.

The hen do I went to yesterday was an afternoon tea that cost less than £20 and a good time was had by all.

The trick is not to be friends with demanding, entitled people in the first place.

That kind of person will tend to reveal that character trait long before you get close enough to be invited to their wedding.

willWillSmithsmith · 03/09/2023 08:55

I would decline. If you’re going to have a wedding with long, complicated travel plans (and expense) then you have to expect a number of declines.

RampantIvy · 03/09/2023 08:59

@gannett I wasn't invited. We were just work colleagues and she was talking about her own friendship group from back home, but you are right. None of my friends have done or would organise something like this. Yesterday's hen do was an example of the type of people I am friends with.

ClairDeLaLune · 03/09/2023 08:59

Does your husband want to go?

FirstTimeNameChanger · 03/09/2023 09:01

My sister had a destination wedding partly in the hopes that at least some of her husband's many cousins would decline. They all went...

Just say no, it's fine

mosiacmaker · 03/09/2023 09:06

Just decline. Probably they’re having a destination wedding on purpose to whittle away all the guests apart from their friends who want a holiday 🤣

1983Louise · 03/09/2023 09:06

It's only his cousin, just decline explain it's a long distance to fly with a three year old and send a nice present/money.

Beautiful3 · 03/09/2023 09:10

Honestly I would decline it too. I'd only expect close family to attend a far away wedding. It's going to cost a bomb and won't be great travelling with a small child. They will be expecting plenty of declines, especially from non immediate family. Just reply explaining that unfortunately you are unable to attend, but you wish them a lovely wedding.

Cosyblankets · 03/09/2023 09:11

Pippa12 · 03/09/2023 06:03

I had a destination wedding (absolutely loved it). I accepted people would decline, no problem whatsoever. My best friend didn’t come as she didn’t fancy the destination- not an issue.

Go if you want, stay home if you don’t. No need to make excuses.

Likewise
We were not in the slightest bit offended by those who didn't come to ours.
We are from different parts of the UK so wherever we had it people would have to travel.
We were honoured that people travelled abroad for our wedding.
No one should be offended by you not travelling 18 hours with a 3 year old

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