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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss DS first day of school?

116 replies

jswn · 03/09/2023 01:33

DS starts reception this week. I am doing a degree that requires placement, I have been off sick so I am very behind on hours.

I have an assessment at the end of next week that determines whether I can pass on to the next year of the course. For this assessment, I need a piece of feedback from everyone I work with each day next week.

I emailed to ask whether I could start and finish late (I would need to drop him off for 9am). I got a response saying I could start at 9:30, but I love a half an hour a commute away. By the time I drop DS off, drive there, park, get changed and reach the place it'll be way past half 9.

I don't want to get in trouble or rubbish feedback, I really need to miss this assignment.

But DS is my only child, it would be DM or DF that dropped him off. The thought of not being there for him on his first day makes me want to cry.

Im also missing drop off/pick up for the rest of the week to.

What would you do?

OP posts:
poormanspombears · 03/09/2023 13:11

The placement is for a long term goal of security for you both so I would prioritise the placement.

My DD also starts reception this week and she will be starting her day in breakfast club. I feel guilty about it but my job is important for all of us and I have to rationalise that my children are seeing my prove a positive work ethic.

It's bloody hard though! I would prefer to be taking her to her classroom but I know she will enjoy seeing her other friends and won't even remember it!

Blanketpolicy · 03/09/2023 13:20

Just asked ds(19) what he remembers about starting school and he came out with a lot of things such as going into the garden to get a photo of his school uniform or first packed lunch/playtime, not one mention of who was there with him. Then asked him who was there and he can't remember for sure.

The "handover" to school will only be a big deal for your ds if you make it into one. The more low key it is the better it is for your ds.

Somaliwildass · 03/09/2023 13:23

Kezhoust2586 · 03/09/2023 12:15

Don't miss your DCs first day of school because of work. You will never get that time/memory back.
Just remember you're only a number in a workplace , you'd be replaced in a heartbeat. I would never choose a workplace that wasn't prepared to let me take the time to see my children off on such a massive milestone.

Take him and then make your way to work. You've explained the situation already to them, so if you're late by 10minutes screw them.

OP isn't actually at work though, she's on placement. She's there to train and use their guidance, so it's not easy to say she can work late instead. Someone needs to be with her as she does set things she's been allocated under supervision. A worker who had added value and been flexible over a period of time might be able to ask a favour and continue without impacting others, but not someone training. You're hardly there for their benefit and it's effort on their part for your benefit at this stage. They're also literally there to make judgements and scrutiny at this point is increased.

It's also really not a massive milestone. The day inside school might be for the child, but seeing them walk through a door isn't actually the ultimate.

cardibach · 03/09/2023 13:27

I’m a teacher. I couldn’t take DD to her first day (or pretty much any day. Or pick up. Or sports day) as I had to be at work. She was taken by my sister on the first day and grandparents/friends other days. It was absolutely fine.
And as for those who’ve said you’ll be distracted if you don’t take him - only if you are always going to be unable to cope with knowing he’s somewhere you aren’t. Some people can’t. I’ve worked with people who decided to give up/be very part time because it was too much. Most can though.

user1471556818 · 03/09/2023 13:28

I missed lots of firsts including 1st drop off and pick up for first day at school .
Worked shifts as nurse and that was just the way it was sadly not many child friendly options in those days.
However we all survived and just focused on the things we could do

Barbaquequeen · 03/09/2023 13:32

U can be there in the morning, make him his favourite special breakie, get him ready, lots of hugs and pictures and then wave your bye bye. Take him for ice cream in the eve. I think this would be enough to make him feel very loved and prioritised. It’s good as a mother that he sees work/personal development has an importance to you as a woman

WhateverMate · 03/09/2023 13:43

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/09/2023 12:44

Not unusual, I remember mine clearly

But I wouldn’t have been bothered if my GP’s had done it - my mum being there isn’t a big part of the memory for me

Show quote history

No it wouldn't have bothered me either.

Still can't get over how many people are saying he won't remember his first day at school though.

I didn't think me or my kids were that unusual and to be honest, my menopausal brain won't let me remember to turn the bloody bath taps off lately.

DappledThings · 03/09/2023 13:48

Do the placement. You'll have plenty of drop-offs coming. He won't remember in a week who dropped him off on the first day. It's not that big a deal.

MargaretThursday · 03/09/2023 13:52

None of mine remember their first day of school.

I don't remember my first day of school although I have lots of other memories around that time. I remember the settling in afternoon though.

Do something special in the evening with you two and I'm sure he will feel special.

DappledThings · 03/09/2023 13:52

Am I really unusual in that I'm in my 50s and I can clearly remember my first day at school, and all 3 of my adult children can remember theirs too?
I can't remember hlmy first day at secondary let alone earlier than that. I have earlier memories than that time, like when my brother was born and snacktime at nursery but actually starting school isn't a significant moment my memory has stored.

Gcsunnyside23 · 03/09/2023 13:53

Get up and ready with plenty of time for photos and a nice breakfast, make a fuss and then go to your placement. Your son won't notice the difference but your placement will make a difference in the grand scheme and is more important. Could you maybe get whoever drops him off to facetime with you at the gate?

PinkB87 · 03/09/2023 13:57

Going to go against the grain here. I'd say take him.

Either take him with grandparents and leave the playground at 850, or take him and let the placement know you'll be 15 mins later than expected.

HaPPy8 · 03/09/2023 13:57

I can’t remember my first day at school. But even if I could there are many things I’d thank my mum for over the years that her not being there would be insignificant in the scheme of things.

id prioritise you placement for both of your long term futures.

Qilin · 03/09/2023 13:59

I have absolutely no idea who took me to school on my first day. I would assume my mum, but no idea.

I doubt 21y dd can remember either. I assume I did, although dh was the one who did most drop offs, whilst I did pick up.

No one ever cares if a dad misses the first day of school, thats for sure!

It isn't not like he is going on his own. He will have someone who cares about it taking him in.

You can make a fuss of him first thing in the morning, and maybe have a special first day of school dinner when he gets home, if you want to make it more special.

To be honest I think many parents put too much pressure on children re their first day and I am convinced it doesn't actually help some children - can lead to increased clinginess, tears, etc. And the reality in many schools is that you walk in, stand in a playground and then wave them off with a teacher. Nothing more.

Qilin · 03/09/2023 13:59

Long term passing your course will have a much greater impact on your life together!

Gilmorehill · 03/09/2023 14:00

Please don't feel guilty. You are studying to make a better life for your child. Take some photos together at home with him in his new uniform. I work in a school and I promise there are a lot of dcs who don't come with their dps on the first day. Lots of people can't get out of work.

BananaSun1989 · 03/09/2023 14:02

jswn · 03/09/2023 02:14

Thank you. I just feel so bad that I'm missing his whole first week of school. I won't do a single school run.

I never will- or a pick up but such is life. Can't feel guilty for providing!

HardcoreLadyType · 03/09/2023 14:06

My DC are in their late teens/early 20s. I can barely remember their first days at school.

It seems a big deal now, but in the grand scheme of things, passing your course is far more important.

Qilin · 03/09/2023 14:07

You only get one chance at parenting

Luckily good parenting isn't based on one specific day.
The op will be parenting a child (0-18y) for 6570 days.
I very much doubt one missed 'first day of school' will render the other 6569 days pointless.

Qilin · 03/09/2023 14:11

Kezhoust2586 · 03/09/2023 12:15

Don't miss your DCs first day of school because of work. You will never get that time/memory back.
Just remember you're only a number in a workplace , you'd be replaced in a heartbeat. I would never choose a workplace that wasn't prepared to let me take the time to see my children off on such a massive milestone.

Take him and then make your way to work. You've explained the situation already to them, so if you're late by 10minutes screw them.

So would you be happy for your child's reception teacher to be missing on your child's first day of school?

I mean if it is so important to your child, I assume you would be more than happy for your child to have a supply teacher on that first day.
After all, its really important that the teacher be there for their own child isn't it?

Mammyloveswine · 03/09/2023 14:12

Eachpeachpears · 03/09/2023 01:44

Honestly, I would say I'll be there as soon as I can but this is really important. I wouldn't miss ds first day of school in a million years (my ds also starts reception this week). You only get one chance at parenting, he will remember who showed up. I know I do

How ridiculous! I'm a teacher myself (reception) and had to miss both of my children's first days because I had to be there to welcome the children in my class! Id be a pretty shit teacher not being there to welcome my new class on their first day!!

Stompythedinosaur · 03/09/2023 14:19

Eachpeachpears · 03/09/2023 01:44

Honestly, I would say I'll be there as soon as I can but this is really important. I wouldn't miss ds first day of school in a million years (my ds also starts reception this week). You only get one chance at parenting, he will remember who showed up. I know I do

I suspect he's more likely to remember the impact on the family of financial instability than who drops him on his first day at school.

My dc have miraculously survived me having to work shifts and being cared for by their df and gps at different times.

When you have tricky work/study considerations, you have to balance what's best overall. And pursuing a job so you can providing for your family is excellent parenting.

HippoStraw · 03/09/2023 14:21

Prioritise the placement. If you can go to school with a grandparent, stay a few minutes, and then leave the GP to it, without jeopardising your future career, then fine. The stability of your future job matters to your child. As long as he has someone with him, he’ll be fine.
Honestly, I worried so much about missing these things when mine were little and it was a waste of energy. They are grown now, and we couldn’t have a better relationship, despite me missing school runs!

NoDoorHooks · 03/09/2023 14:46

Do the placement.

This stuff is as big a deal as you make it.

Social media is partly responsible for this pressure on parents.

Your kid is loved and knows he has a lovely family behind him. Make a fuss of him in the evening and it will be fine; if you make a drama about it, so will he.

You need to make up your hours now asap. Before the term kicks in and the illnesses and time off really start…

luckylavender · 03/09/2023 14:59

Eachpeachpears · 03/09/2023 01:44

Honestly, I would say I'll be there as soon as I can but this is really important. I wouldn't miss ds first day of school in a million years (my ds also starts reception this week). You only get one chance at parenting, he will remember who showed up. I know I do

Millions of women who work do and have done. It's unfortunate but how it is.