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AIBU?

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Original poster

To miss DS first day of school?

116 replies

jswn · 03/09/2023 01:33

DS starts reception this week. I am doing a degree that requires placement, I have been off sick so I am very behind on hours.

I have an assessment at the end of next week that determines whether I can pass on to the next year of the course. For this assessment, I need a piece of feedback from everyone I work with each day next week.

I emailed to ask whether I could start and finish late (I would need to drop him off for 9am). I got a response saying I could start at 9:30, but I love a half an hour a commute away. By the time I drop DS off, drive there, park, get changed and reach the place it'll be way past half 9.

I don't want to get in trouble or rubbish feedback, I really need to miss this assignment.

But DS is my only child, it would be DM or DF that dropped him off. The thought of not being there for him on his first day makes me want to cry.

Im also missing drop off/pick up for the rest of the week to.

What would you do?

OP posts:
travelogue · 03/09/2023 09:58

You are doing this for your future and his. Don't feel bad or mess up the long term for the sake of a few minutes dropping him to school. He will be fine with GPs and in some ways the less anxiety and least fuss made over the first day of school the better he will settle. Keep your eyes on the prize / big picture!

Starlightstarbright2 · 03/09/2023 09:58

Honestly take the photos - there are a mix of kids there - some clinging to parents those who run in like they have always gone in .

Do the photos - drop at parents .

if it puts it into focus I found out one of my closest friends was terminally Ill the day my Ds started school - I gave not one thought about my Ds all day .

Your Ds won’t remember you been there or not but will benefit from your career progression .

Somaliwildass · 03/09/2023 10:03

This is built up in people's minds as some sort of massive event with their child, but actually, his GPs dropping him off will be quite all right. They'll probably do it sometimes and you at others.

If you can go, sure it's nice to see them in, but so unnecessary if it creates stress and puts you behind just as you need to be on top form elsewhere. Just get them ready, take your photos, tell them to try their best, wish them well, and say goodbye at home and it's still the momentous day for the child experiencing school for the first time, and you don't put your own progress/education/professional responsibilities at risk.

neverbeenskiing · 03/09/2023 10:17

I won't be there for my DS first day of school, I work in a school myself and can't take leave during term time. DH also has to be at work as there is a massive annual event happening that he is in charge of. It's shit, but it's just one of those things. Those saying nothing would prevent them from being there, would you just not turn up to work? Quit your job? Don't risk failing your course for something your DS won't even remember, OP.

Jevwaypock · 03/09/2023 10:19

Could you maybe get to the school at 8.30 until 8.45 and leave then, I bet there will be people around and he can play in the playground, that way you still get to be there of some sorts?

BCBird · 03/09/2023 10:25

Let the grand parents take hi. He will be fine.

Whattodo112222 · 03/09/2023 10:28

You have to look at the wider picture. Its DS first day... but he's going to have every day at school. I would perhaps wake up a bit earlier and have a nice breakfast with him and explain that nan and grandad will be taking him today as mummy has work and you can't wait to hear all about it when you're home..you really don't have to make a big deal out of it x

Mrburnshound · 03/09/2023 10:31

My child started school last year and I honestly can't remember anything about it. I know I dropped him off but it's blended into all the other days. I have no memory of myself starting school

Redlocks28 · 03/09/2023 10:31

I’m a teacher and missed first days at school, assemblies, sports days etc etc Yes, it was horrible for me, but they didn’t even remember! If your mum or dad can go, get them to take a photo :)

princessconsuelobananahammock · 03/09/2023 10:34

Placement, for sure. You’ve got to think long term & making the best decisions for your son. He’ll be fine with his grandparents & you can make a big fuss of him later. There will be more things you won’t be able to go to going forward, there seem to be a lot of last minute, day time events at primary schools but try to make some links with other parents when you can get to the school gates so you can take photos/wave/look at the latest piece of ‘art’ in the exhibition enthusiastically for each other & it’ll all work out.

Dascha · 03/09/2023 10:36

I normally roll my eyes a bit when people say it's worse for the parent than for the child, but here that's exactly the situation. He will be fine. You might be a mess, but you're making a very sound choice by him.

I don't actually appear in any of my children's back to school photos. I would imagine they have no memory of who dropped them off. The memories will all be of the classroom, the teacher, the toys.

Dotcheck · 03/09/2023 10:39

Start your own first day of school tradition to make it special- ie a photo in a particular place in the house, and a special breakfast.
Then grandparents take to school and you get to your placement on time.
There are a lot of ways of make it special.

However, I would hate to miss it too, so maybe just be very clear with placement ‘ It is my son’s first day of school and I would like to be there for it. I will try to be as quick as possible but it is likely I wouldn’t be there until 10. I m happy to work extra/ take a shorter lunch to make up the time’

Hossage · 03/09/2023 10:42

My lovely Gran took me to my first day at school. My mum was working. My mum has been there for lots - most! - of my firsts, my Granny died when I was ten and i still miss her now! It doesn’t matter who takes him, he won’t mind!

NerrSnerr · 03/09/2023 10:49

He will be fine. You need to prioritise the placement, you passing your course is more important due to the benefits he will get from your employment, security etc.

My 9 year old cried awfully on her first day of school (I dropped her off). She can't remember it now. I don't think even my year 2 remembers his first day.

Wendysfriend · 03/09/2023 10:54

It's a difficult one. Of course we all want to be there the 1st day, it's a big milestone, however he won't remember in years to come, none of mine remember their 1st day even though I was there for all of them, I tell them stories often about the day and they just look blankly at me.

In all honesty, it's us the parents who have all the different emotions, we're the ones who remember, we're the ones who feel guilty for not being there for 1st days.

It will be so special for his grandparents to bring him, they'll be so excited to be the ones responsible for him and they can take centre stage and spoil him and be proud, often grandparents don't get to do this or they get pushed to the back.

There's no harm in setting his routine from day one, I'm assuming someone will be taking him other days. You can do all the fussing over him that morning, make sure to have everything ready the night before, get up a bit earlier and allow yourself time to get ready for your own job, then you can do photos at home, bit of breakfast for you all etc, then have his favourite dinner and movie and a little treat and he can tell you all about his day.

You can tell him but not over explain that you have a meeting in work and you'd have loved to be there.

This sounds like an important meeting and it's towards your future.

Dobbyismostaggrievedsir · 03/09/2023 10:54

Having photos and hugs with Mum at home and then going to Granddad's house might make it easier for your DS. He does not have to cope with saying goodbye to you and walking into a new, unfamiliar place at the same time. He says goodbye to you, then goes to a place that he knows.

PuttingDownRoots · 03/09/2023 10:57

First Day of School was the biggest anticlimax ever.
DD1... walked to classroom door, teacher met her there. On grounds about 5 minutes.
DD2... teacher met at gate. Didn't even enter grounds.

Womblegreen · 03/09/2023 11:07

It will be hard to miss but you can do photos first thing and it won’t be something he remembers. Your placement has to take priority - long term it will benefit you both. Don’t feel guilty, it’s a long term gain for short term loss.

NeedTheSeaside · 03/09/2023 11:09

@jswn you need to do your placement.

45 years ago we moved overseas, after a few weeks my mum got a job, her start date was the day my brother started school. My Mum was a bit of a mouse and things were a bit more rigid in those days, so she didn't ask to start a day later.

he came to school with me, our 2 closest friends & their grandparents as he had every other day, except that day he stayed. No fuss.

my Mum STILL feels bad, my brother neither remembers nor cares. Mum took me to school on my first day, apparently, I don't remember.

it's a big deal for parents, more so than children.

I've taken kids that aren't mine for their first day. He'll be fine with your parents.

Go to your placement, fully engage & get onto the next level. That'll benefit him a thousand times more than who takes him to school that day/week.

it'll be fine!

best of luck with your placement, next level etc

Truemilk · 03/09/2023 11:09

Eachpeachpears · 03/09/2023 01:44

Honestly, I would say I'll be there as soon as I can but this is really important. I wouldn't miss ds first day of school in a million years (my ds also starts reception this week). You only get one chance at parenting, he will remember who showed up. I know I do

He won't remember.

I don't remember being dropped off at reception

Sceptre86 · 03/09/2023 11:19

If this placement is going to better your financial position and in turn your child's future then you just have to suck it up and go. It will be hard but sometimes not making a big deal out of things is easier for the child. Instead maybe you could do a nice meal out or a cinema trip, day at the park or softplay as a means of celebrating his first week at school. Ask grandparents to take lots of photos.

ssd · 03/09/2023 11:31

Dh missed both the dcs first day at school. Its never troubled him or them.

Do your placement.

SecretVictoria · 03/09/2023 11:35

I started school 39 years ago. No idea who was/wasn’t there. The only thing I remember is being very disappointed that the staff weren’t in gowns and mortar boards like the books I had at home 🤣

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 03/09/2023 11:36

ssd · 03/09/2023 11:31

Dh missed both the dcs first day at school. Its never troubled him or them.

Do your placement.

When I was in primary school, my dad was only very rarely able to pick me up or drop me off! I remember those days as being special and exciting- not feeling bad he couldn't do it on other days!

OP- I'm sure your child will be fine. I can understand the angst, but ultimately, you can't risk failing your placement/course over this. Long term, financial security will benefit your child far more.

BiggerBoat1 · 03/09/2023 11:37

Do the placement. Your DS will be absolutely fine. I think the whole massive big deal we make about first day at school is more about our feelings as parents than what our children are experiencing. Your Mum and Dad can make a big fuss of him and it'll be nice for them to experience this first with him. Your DS will not remember who dropped him off and can tell you all about his first day at bedtime.