Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He came back after 6 weeks

79 replies

KeepingItTogether23 · 02/09/2023 11:18

Hello,
Me and my ex, partner, who knows what the fuck he is we have been on and off for a few years. Our whole relationship has been 12 years, since I was 15.
We split in 2020 for 5 months with no contact and I slept with somebody else, he wanted to get back together I was honest told him what I'd done. He still, chose to come back home however just made my life an absolute misery, throwing accusations around all the time.
We have 2 children, he just disappears off with no contact quite regularly. He always uses the 'I'm a cheat' excuse.
Hes hit me, slammed my ankle in the car door, mentally abused me and just damaged my own self esteem.

He left again 6 weeks ago because I wouldn't do a lie detector with him in the room for the 3rd time (I did the test, passed it because I only slept with one person), no contact AGAIN, I called he just left it to ring, I text he never replied. Didnt contact the children, hasnt provided anything financially for the children. Then yesterday out of no where he comes to the house, the last 6 weeks I've been really mentally unwell and I've done some very silly things (to myself not anybody else), I have been a total wreck but the last week I've kind of picked myself up a little bit. Took the children swimming, cinema started feeling a little bit brighter and enjoying my freedom being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want.

I was physically sick when he came yesterday, he stayed about 4 hours no explanation, no conversation with me. Now I'm back to square one I'm back feeling like a helpless little girl who's lost. Please give me some words of advice, police are no help! They arrested him in April when he assaulted me, no bail conditions, no court hearing, nothing.

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 02/09/2023 11:19

I'm not sure what advice you want. I stopped reading at he hit you

Get him out of you and your childrens lives as quickly as possible

That's the only sane thing to do.

Shoxfordian · 02/09/2023 11:19

Tell him to leave - decide for yourself that it’s over

GrazingSheep · 02/09/2023 11:20

For the sake of your children - if not for yourself - leave him for good.

Throwawayme · 02/09/2023 11:21

Don't let him back into your house. Why would you put up with that behaviour?

Ducksinthebath · 02/09/2023 11:22

I remember your last post about the lie detector and every poster was telling you to leave or to refuse to let him back.

At that point I hadn’t realised you had children at home. Now I do, my advice is the same but even stronger. You are experiencing abuse and, sadly, exposing your children to abuse. For their sake, end the relationship now and don’t look back. You have a duty to protect them even if you won’t exercise it in relation to yourself.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s the truth.

itsgettingweird · 02/09/2023 11:23

Get a non molestation order. So he can't come near you.

If he wants contact with the children ask S to support to arrange contact at a centre and arrange for someone else to take them there.

Nothingbuttheglory · 02/09/2023 11:25

He is an abuser. He will never change.

All you can do is try to minimise the future harm (because he has already harmed them) he causes to your children.

How old are they?

Nothingbuttheglory · 02/09/2023 11:25

Just to be clear, you minimise the harm he causes by removing him entirely from your life and as far as you possibly can from theirs.

Eudaimonia5 · 02/09/2023 11:26

It doesn't matter what you want or what he wants, your responsibility is to protect your children. You need to get rid of him immediately, contact Women's Aid, do whatever you need to do to get him out of your life.

I don't care if you love him, you can love another man who isn't an abusive arsehole.

Yes, it will be hard but you really need to put your feelings aside and put your children first.

Original poster
KeepingItTogether23 · 02/09/2023 11:30

I dont love him anymore, I just look at him and I feel absolutely nothing.
I just dont know why after 6 weeks he wants to be a dad again now, how long for? Untill he doesnt get what he want again.

They are 6&8, our son is 7 at the end of the month he will try and ruin it like he did Christmas this year. Turned up after weeks again Christmas day created a horrible atmosphere the whole day.

I do have a sw but they are so busy with cases, I rarely see mine and cant get hold of her on the phone much.

I suppose i just wanted some encouragement not to allow him back permanently

OP posts:
Parker231 · 02/09/2023 11:32

Why do you let him into the house? Block him from your life.

Merryoldgoat · 02/09/2023 11:34

I really don’t understand what you need - you know he’s abusive and makes your life hell.

Why even entertain him being back?

DelphiniumBlue · 02/09/2023 11:38

Don't let him in again. Block on him everything and get a spare phone which is only used for him to contact you about arrangements for the children, which he needs to make in advance.
Find out if you can get a non molestation order, follow up with the police do it by email) so that you can get at least a report or crime number to attach to the application. Change the locks so he can't let himself in. Put in an application for child maintenance.
That's all the practical stuff, but you will be feeling very vulnerable for a long while, that's to be expected. Be kind to yourself. You've managed to start turning things around, you say you've taken the DC out and had fun, keep that up. Make arrangements to see friends and family so that you've things to look forward to, and that will help take your mind off things. One day at time. Don't look back, don't indulge in sad songs, soppy films any of that stuff.
It's immaterial whether you love him or not, he clearly doesn't love you if he's capable of abusing you like he has done. No matter what he says or has said, he has no respect for you at all, or he wouldn't have behaved like that, wouldn't have hurt you. So don't sit there missing him and feeling sad, rejoice that you've had the strength to call it quits. You've done the right thing for yourself and for your children.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 02/09/2023 11:41

Don't allow him into your home at all. If he wants to see his children then it's supervised at a contact centre. Cut all your contact with him. Your sons are learning about relationships from watching this. Show them how it should be dealt with.

Original poster
KeepingItTogether23 · 02/09/2023 11:43

@DelphiniumBlue thank you. That's exactly why I posted to read replies like yours.
I do have a crime reference number for the assault but never pursued a non molestation order and now it's been too long to get one since the incident.
I have applied for CM and I will get another cheap phone just for him to contact me on regarding the children only.

I dont want this man back, I just wanted to see if anybody knows why he keeps coming and going leaving weeks in between. Is it when he knows I'll be getting myself back on track he thinks oh I'll go and mess her head up all over again?

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 02/09/2023 11:47

KeepingItTogether23 · 02/09/2023 11:43

@DelphiniumBlue thank you. That's exactly why I posted to read replies like yours.
I do have a crime reference number for the assault but never pursued a non molestation order and now it's been too long to get one since the incident.
I have applied for CM and I will get another cheap phone just for him to contact me on regarding the children only.

I dont want this man back, I just wanted to see if anybody knows why he keeps coming and going leaving weeks in between. Is it when he knows I'll be getting myself back on track he thinks oh I'll go and mess her head up all over again?

It's because he's abusive.

He knows he has control over you be abuse you do t know if and when he'll turn up and he knows you're scared of him returning and of him when he's there.

It's about control.

But you've proved to yourself you can take back that control. That's a massive step and you should be proud of yourself.

He'll push back at first. But you can do this and your children will remember you doing what's best for them forever.

sodthesodoff · 02/09/2023 11:47

KeepingItTogether23 · 02/09/2023 11:43

@DelphiniumBlue thank you. That's exactly why I posted to read replies like yours.
I do have a crime reference number for the assault but never pursued a non molestation order and now it's been too long to get one since the incident.
I have applied for CM and I will get another cheap phone just for him to contact me on regarding the children only.

I dont want this man back, I just wanted to see if anybody knows why he keeps coming and going leaving weeks in between. Is it when he knows I'll be getting myself back on track he thinks oh I'll go and mess her head up all over again?

But you're wasting your time and energy trying to figure him out.

Who cares? What difference does it make why he's doing this?

You need to stop him. Who gives a fuck what he thinks.

Original poster
KeepingItTogether23 · 02/09/2023 11:50

Thanks, I've got this 💪

OP posts:
MoiraRosesBaybay · 02/09/2023 11:54

I dont want this man back, I just wanted to see if anybody knows why he keeps coming and going leaving weeks in between. Is it when he knows I'll be getting myself back on track he thinks oh I'll go and mess her head up all over again?

Honestly my love, because he is a cunt of the highest order. He is a controlling abusive arsehole. He wants to control you. He’s had control of you since you were a child and he wants to keep it that way.

Parker231 · 02/09/2023 11:54

KeepingItTogether23 · 02/09/2023 11:43

@DelphiniumBlue thank you. That's exactly why I posted to read replies like yours.
I do have a crime reference number for the assault but never pursued a non molestation order and now it's been too long to get one since the incident.
I have applied for CM and I will get another cheap phone just for him to contact me on regarding the children only.

I dont want this man back, I just wanted to see if anybody knows why he keeps coming and going leaving weeks in between. Is it when he knows I'll be getting myself back on track he thinks oh I'll go and mess her head up all over again?

You don’t need a phone for him contacting you - if he wants to see the children it can be through a contact centre - bet he doesn’t bother.
Have you had the locks changed and blocked his number on your phone and any social media?

Laburnam · 02/09/2023 11:55

I think you should also be accessing help regarding your mental health , your children have probably already seen far too much and they will be picking up on your mental state too

Original poster
KeepingItTogether23 · 02/09/2023 11:59

I dont have any social media, not even WhatsApp. Do I have to contact the contact centre or him?

@Laburnam ive tried, unfortunately the NHS is so far stretched they offer me a phone consultation that lasts less than 2 minutes, prescribe me medication and then that's it. I'm on the waiting list for counselling but I have been for 18 months now 😔

OP posts:
Parker231 · 02/09/2023 12:03

KeepingItTogether23 · 02/09/2023 11:59

I dont have any social media, not even WhatsApp. Do I have to contact the contact centre or him?

@Laburnam ive tried, unfortunately the NHS is so far stretched they offer me a phone consultation that lasts less than 2 minutes, prescribe me medication and then that's it. I'm on the waiting list for counselling but I have been for 18 months now 😔

If he wants to see the children, he can make the arrangements. You only need to tell him he can’t turn up at your home.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 02/09/2023 12:04

Is there any other support locally for mental health?
My area has peer support workers who go on a walk and chat with you.
And an online thing that is marginally better than nothing.
But also women's aid. It depends on who is volunteering with them but you can sometimes get counselling or therapy or someone supportive to chat to.

You're doing really well to be honest with yourself about what you want, and what's best for your children.
And you're so young. You've got your whole life ahead of you. You will be ok.
Just keep reaching out for support and keep telling yourself you and your children deserve better than this abusive man.

Bluesky85 · 02/09/2023 12:05

you have handed him too much power. Don’t let him decide when your relationship is on or off, and when he’s there or not there. You don’t have to sit back and be passive. This flip flopping is terrible for your mental
health and no good for your children who need structure and routine. Take control of your life and make the decision to end it once and for all. Tell him it’s over, change the locks, contact the police about what options you have to make sure he stays away.

you have shown you can be strong and happy on your own- and it sounds like you are a great mum. What’s stopping you fully living life to the full is never knowing when he’s going to turn up again and try and mess with your head again. That must be an awful way to live.

you can absolutely do this, and I promise although it’s hard and scary- you will be ok. Good luck xxx