He came back after 6 weeks

[KeepingItTogether23]

Hello,
Me and my ex, partner, who knows what the fuck he is we have been on and off for a few years. Our whole relationship has been 12 years, since I was 15.
We split in 2020 for 5 months with no contact and I slept with somebody else, he wanted to get back together I was honest told him what I'd done. He still, chose to come back home however just made my life an absolute misery, throwing accusations around all the time.
We have 2 children, he just disappears off with no contact quite regularly. He always uses the 'I'm a cheat' excuse.
Hes hit me, slammed my ankle in the car door, mentally abused me and just damaged my own self esteem.

He left again 6 weeks ago because I wouldn't do a lie detector with him in the room for the 3rd time (I did the test, passed it because I only slept with one person), no contact AGAIN, I called he just left it to ring, I text he never replied. Didnt contact the children, hasnt provided anything financially for the children. Then yesterday out of no where he comes to the house, the last 6 weeks I've been really mentally unwell and I've done some very silly things (to myself not anybody else), I have been a total wreck but the last week I've kind of picked myself up a little bit. Took the children swimming, cinema started feeling a little bit brighter and enjoying my freedom being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want.

I was physically sick when he came yesterday, he stayed about 4 hours no explanation, no conversation with me. Now I'm back to square one I'm back feeling like a helpless little girl who's lost. Please give me some words of advice, police are no help! They arrested him in April when he assaulted me, no bail conditions, no court hearing, nothing.

Yep all this. I don’t have much experience of this myself by DM’s best friend when younger had to do this but then she let him back into their lives. Had to do restraining order etc to get him out.

Somehow her youngest DC was relatively unscathed by was traumatised but her eldest (DD) saw more than she should’ve and ended up in a mental institution partly due to his actions. He was an alcoholic. Thank god my DM cut contact with my DF until we were 13 (5 to 13).

Get your locks changed. See a lawyer about an injunction. This is dangerous and you must protect yourself. Could you call Police and ask to speak to a domestic violence officer, you really need to get help. Although you are worn down and traumatised you must get this man out of your life.

All these people telling you to leave him as if it's that simple 🤦You need to contact Women's Aid and they will help you come up with a plan. Maybe you need to move/change locks/seek a non molestation order. You have options and they will help you identify them.

Yes he comes back in order to deliberately destabilise you.

Do you have friends and family OP? If so and you haven't already, I'd strongly advise you to confide in them about the abuse you've experienced. Tell them what you've told us. Ask for their support in breaking free and staying strong.
I'd also second contacting women's aid, as well as googling any other GDVA organisations local to you and reaching out to them.
No one should be expected to escape, survive and recover from abuse without help and support.

Speak to women’s aid.. when my ex was coming back to the marital home threatening and frightening me, they moved me and the dc into a refuge. It was the best thing for all of us. We had so much support and it helped me break out of the cycle of abuse that I’d been in for so long. Please call them and tell them the truth. Don’t minimise his actions. I know how hard it is, but you’ve got this (((hug))).

Actually I was in a non abusive relationship for 2 years a similar age gap ago. I recall saying to my best friend then “oh he’s insecure jealous etc but I can control him” and her saying “are you sure? Think about it” and trying to warn me off. He’d threaten to stalk me at my work and home and ring my number constantly silent calls if we broke up. I once asked him towards the end “why do you do this to me?” And he said “I like that you stand up to me but in my family men control women and I don’t like that when you argue back or take control”. Normal family Irish Catholic/Protestant. That’s when I realised it was learned behaviour. Confidence was on the floor afterwards and on Prozac and had to have 6 months therapy. My close male platonic friend asked me afterwards why I didn’t tell him about it (he wanted to sort him out) and I said “I couldn’t tell you I felt too ashamed to tell anyone how I was being really treated”.

It’s so great you don’t want him back. That’s the first step.

can you get a video doorbell? No need to answer the door to him really.

If there’s been DV you can get legal aid should you need it.

I'm so sorry you've ended up with this situation.
He cones back because you let him. He's asserting power and control by just walkibg back into your lives.
But you have power too. You might not feel very strong because of the years of abuse you've endured, but unless you put a stake in the ground now and say no to him it will never end.
You refuse to let him come back. If you love your kids then do it for them.

He comes back when no one else will put up with him. You are his last resort. You shouldn't let him in in the first place. If he does manage to get in the new need to put the kids coats on and say that you're all off out now and he has to go as well. He sounds really awful and I'm glad you've got rid of him. Please don't put up with him crying and wailing about his sad life so that he can get back into yours. He's only doing that because he can't go anywhere else

And he hasn't decided he wants to be a dad. He comes to your house for somewhere to go to not to see the children.

He's doing what he wants - because you are letting him OP.

Do not passively let this man make all of the decisions! You have a SW but have you had counselling? If the SW is for the DC you know you are at risk of them going into care if you keep allowing this abusive man into their lives?

You have managed for 6 weeks, you have managed for 5 months before. You make had done silly things (please get counselling) but you did it OP. You can do this.

@KeepingItTogether23
He keeps leaving and coming back because he knows you will take him back cause he has you right where he wants you, under the thumb, don't put up with it, if you kids grow up watching this train wrack they will think its norm, and any relationship they are in they will treat there partners the same cause its normal to them.

Are you in the U.K. ?

Well done, you're doing the right thing getting rid of him for good. As for why is he back after 6 weeks? Where has he been living? Any chance he was living with another woman and she's put him out?

Sorry I havent responded been cleaning keeping my mind busy.
I know you're all right, he does just come back when hes got nothing better to do and it's unfair on the DC who dont know if they are coming or going.
I have tried womens aid on a few occasions over the past 5 weeks but so hard to get through to them. I did have an IDVA a couple of years ago, I have emailed her for some advice.

I am in the UK yes

@Olive19741205 no idea, I said where has he been for the last 6 weeks his response was hes got nothing to say...
Who knows hes a compulsive liar himself which is why hes so paranoid all I do is lie.

Does he have a key? If so, get your locks changed immediately - get back some control and security for yourself and your kiddies.
Wishing you all the best @KeepingItTogether23 I hope you find the strength to keep this abuser at a very long distance x

It really doesn't matter why, does it? It is your job to protect your children. If you need persuading to do that then it's a worry.

Simple answer..get him out of your life and keep it that way.
I've been there myself and watched friends and family go through it so I know it's not as simple as that. My ex went to prison in the end for one incident because there was witnesses.
The best thing I ever did was break that cycle and keep my son safe. I got help from the police, domestic violence counselling and I told family and friends what was really going on behind closed doors.
I can promise you you are worth more than he makes you feel...and what's more ..your children are worth more than allowing him to set that example to them that it's 'normal'
It takes a lot to get out but you can do it..look at everything you've already survived! You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for

Take control and do not let him back into your home and your DC's lives
Supervised contact can be organised at a later date
As you have a SW involved, they will see you are making the best choices to protect your DC and are likely concerned you are exposing your children to his abuse, potential physical and emotional harm is taken very seriously by Childrens services

That's exactly it, @oakleaffy it chimes of Jeremy Kyle all over.

it smacks of control, "I don't believe you, prove it", to which the answer should have been "stop wasting my time, I don't care if you believe me or not, so now we've cleared that up, get your sorry arse out of my sight, permanently"

Do you have any idea what a chaotic car crash this all is . Your poor children being raised in this shitshow .

@KeepingItTogether23

I dont want this man back, I just wanted to see if anybody knows why he keeps coming and going leaving weeks in between. Is it when he knows I'll be getting myself back on track he thinks oh I'll go and mess her head up all over again?

I don't think "why" matters OP so I wouldn't waste mental energy on this. Instead focus on keeping him out of your home and not making yourself available to him by closing down the opportunities he has to do so - please follow the good advice you've been given to keep yourself and your children safe.

Firstly please change your locks- including your back door if he has keys for that. Put a safety chain on your front door and make sure it's on every single time before the door is opened. If you can get a Ring doorbell or similar so you are alerted to callers to your door, and have that fitted, please do that. Then email him to say you don't want to hear from him again apart from arrangements for the children but never let him back in again. Keep your communications with him in writing so you have an audit trail. Take screenshots if using WhatsApp as senders can delete messages..

Also I couldn't see if you Co-owned or co-rented with him. It will be easier if it's just you. Good that you contacted a domestic violence organisation- do, please follow that up. I wish you strength and luck for the future. 🌹

Yes she knows there’s no need to stick the boot in.

His behaviour sounds very narcissistic. You need to get rid of him. Nothing good will come of this relationship.

Go onto you tube and search for Lee Hammock, Ben Taylor or Looking Behind the mirror and everything will make sense to you.

As others have said you are damaging your children by allowing them to live like this.

It's abuse and it's dyfunctional. No child should have to live this life. Be strong for your kids and for yourself. You only get one life.