He came back after 6 weeks

[KeepingItTogether23]

Hello,
Me and my ex, partner, who knows what the fuck he is we have been on and off for a few years. Our whole relationship has been 12 years, since I was 15.
We split in 2020 for 5 months with no contact and I slept with somebody else, he wanted to get back together I was honest told him what I'd done. He still, chose to come back home however just made my life an absolute misery, throwing accusations around all the time.
We have 2 children, he just disappears off with no contact quite regularly. He always uses the 'I'm a cheat' excuse.
Hes hit me, slammed my ankle in the car door, mentally abused me and just damaged my own self esteem.

He left again 6 weeks ago because I wouldn't do a lie detector with him in the room for the 3rd time (I did the test, passed it because I only slept with one person), no contact AGAIN, I called he just left it to ring, I text he never replied. Didnt contact the children, hasnt provided anything financially for the children. Then yesterday out of no where he comes to the house, the last 6 weeks I've been really mentally unwell and I've done some very silly things (to myself not anybody else), I have been a total wreck but the last week I've kind of picked myself up a little bit. Took the children swimming, cinema started feeling a little bit brighter and enjoying my freedom being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want.

I was physically sick when he came yesterday, he stayed about 4 hours no explanation, no conversation with me. Now I'm back to square one I'm back feeling like a helpless little girl who's lost. Please give me some words of advice, police are no help! They arrested him in April when he assaulted me, no bail conditions, no court hearing, nothing.

I remember you from the lie detectir thread. Did you manage to get in touch with women's aid in the end?

Did you give that footage of him driving past your house to the police? You really do need to sort a non molestation order out.

Women's Aid or a similar domestic violence charity will give you advice.
Make a list of things that need to be done such as changing the locks. I would change my phone number and not give it to him and then insist on contact being by email I think.
Press social services to help you.
Share what you are going through with friends and / or family so that they can support you.
Try to minimise the headspace this awful man is taking up. This includes speculating on his motives. He is an abuser and is trying to keep you under his thumb by reappearing like this.The best thing you can do is to prioritise your self and the DC now .This will annoy him and he will probably try to wheedle his way back. Stay firm.
Your life and that of the children will be so much better when you don't have to think about him .

This man is abusive

How is he back in your house? Change the locks.

You need to sort yourself out OP - you have a responsibility to your kids. Get rid of him for good. I know he is manipulating you but you need to step out of this and stop playing the games. You are NOT a lost child, you are an adult woman and a mother.

What will you say to your kids in 10 years time if you continue to allow this.

Get help from women’s aid if you need it, but stop this now.

Why would you even bother with him .
Id be down to the police and the court house having some order put against him
then i would move on with my life and he could go fuck him self .

Don't let him in again. Call the police every time he shows up and refuses to leave. He doesn't live there, you don't want him there, and he won't leave your property. YOu're afraid of him, police and social workers are already involved. Tell them these things every time you have to call.

There's some good advice on this thread from DelphiniumBlue.

Good luck to you, OP.

You’re right op, you HAVE got this 💪. You are strong, he is the weak one trying to keep you dangling on the hook, just for the control he craves.

you can do this, you’ve had some great advice. Just for info I am aware there f some people who have gone through women’s aid and had access to much more help and support with it all, including fast tracking to counsellors etc. You can do it x

I also remember your lie detector thread. This is all about power, how he can control you.
I assume you let him in because you felt you had to? Is he still there or has gone again? I’d call the police on 101, give them the previous crime ref number, then if he’s out of the house it’s logged. If he’s in the house say you need him removed for your safety.
This will go on and on , you need a permanent solution, a non-mol order or move as faraway as you can and don’t ever let him contact you again.

@KeepingItTogether23 he keeps
coming back because you allow it . In his eyes you are a walk over and he has no respect for you . He can come and go as he pleases because he feels you want/need him and will allow it .
Get that spare phone and say this is for the kids contact And they will be available on a wed evening at such time to say hi and arrange your weekend access . Block on your main phone, and tell him if he shows up at your door again EVER that you will call the police .
if this escalates get the order in place so legally he has to stay away.
it may get tricker to deal with soon but tough it out short term for long term peace in your life .

You deserve better and so do your kids .

I suppose i just wanted some encouragement not to allow him back permanently

tough love here @KeepingItTogether23 please stop subcontracting your life to other people (in this case, MN) to make adult decisions to keep you and your DC safe. You're messing about with their lives, and one day they will look at you as their mum and question why you didn't ensure their safety.

don't look back in years to coming regretting not being an adult and making responsible decisions sooner.

by all means come on here for general support, but woman up and get the job done now - get him out of your life, no crawling back to you like a Tom-cat, whenever he chooses. History. Now. You know it makes sense.

Ffs lie detector. What a farce.

Stop letting him back. Block all contact with him. Do not allow him into the house. Ignore the phone or the door if he turns up. If he wants to see you children, he can go through the legal channels. And likely, with the arrest, guidance will be any access will be via a Sue or used contact centre.

He’s a frightening and violent abuser.

Who would want a violent little shit in their lives, especially with children

Change the locks,

Contact centre,

Bye 👋

They aren't admissible in courts, I didn't think.. Load of nonsense.

What is this, a bad episode of Jeremy Kyle?..

The little shit needs to go. Why invite such a nasty little man back into your lives?

👋

I don’t think this man cares about you or your children’s feelings at all . He’s possibly just run out of luck with whoever he shacked up with. Don’t let him back into your house.

Are you married?
Do you own your home, or rent?
Whose name is on the tenancy agreement/mortgage?

You need to work out your legal position.

But you have every right to change the locks and deny access to someone who has been violent to you.

You are lucky you don't have SS breathing down your neck about the children being in an abusive home. However, it sounds like you are ready to improve your own and your children's lives by not taking him back.

If you want to know why he comes back, it's about the cycle of abuse. Read up on it and you'll see that the only way to break out of it is to stop taking him back.

You must get rid, you can do this, you know he's no good X

This is really important to get in your head.

This is all about power. Power and Control.
None of his behaviour - ever - is or was about love.

People who love their partners don't ask them to do lie detectors. They don't abuse them verbally. The don't repeatedly 'punish' them/. They don't physically attack them and they don't play games with the sole purpose of watching them mentally unravel.

He has been manipulating you since you were a child. Of COURSE you are confused, mentally eroded and vulnerable.

He is back because he is AFRAID that you will not need him. His ego and his feelings of manliness and power are fed directly by your vulnerability. If you don't NEED him and if you don't fall apart when he leaves, he has no fuel. He loses control.

And then he feels shit, worthless and vulnerable. And that is not his game.

You are just fuel to his ego and power. I'm sorry to say that but you are and that's why he doesn't let you go properly. He doesn't want you in the sense that people want to love and build a relationship of equals, he needs you to be broken and desperate to make him feel good.

I'm sorry if rthat's harsh but hopefully if you can see his behaviour for what it is, it will give you strength to hold firm.

You've had good practical advice. A separate phone is a really strong tool. It means you have control over when you speak to him or respond to messages. You can leave it in a drawer and he is not able to reach you when you don't expect it - when you are feeling vulnerable or lonely.

Also agree with court order to keep him away.

Take back control. You were getting there before, you can get there again.

Wishing you so much luck and happiness for the future without this abusive arsehole.

Great idea getting a phone just for him. Stick it in a drawer on silent and check once a day. Do not reply straight away. Keep replies factual. Never apologize or explain. Only reply about dc. This method worked for me.

Can you get a paper calendar up in your kitchen? You and dc write in one thing each week eg pizza make night, swim, midnight star gaze, buying the treat you were forbidden to have etc etc it is always lovely to have something to look forward to.

I absolutely get the reverting to child like. It took me a long time to stop feeling that. Remind yourself this, "He has no power over you." He is not your court judge, not your Father, not your prison guard, not your priest, not your Doctor.

Why does he do it? Because it makes him feel good. He repeats his behaviour because he gets some boost from it. You can only try to block, blank, ignore, disregard, turn a blind eye and a deaf ear. Don't indulge him.

I recall the first time I said "No." to my ex. He actually, physically stepped back in shock. Utter amazement on his face. I promised myself I would say "no" once a day. It got easier for me to after that first time.

Sounds like a big mess. Get yourself out. Move house, change your number, change your kids school. I would just cut him off.

Because you are a soft touch and let him. So he can frighten you all over again.

Call the police again and say the man who has attacked you won't leave your house.

Call womens aid. You need to move really so that he cant come back.

I can see you don’t want him back I think? Change the locks and get a restraining order out on him

I don't think women who have been assaulted are a "soft touch", they're frightened.

About 25 years ago I was in an abusive relationship. I physically and mentally abused me. He would do this. He'd leave or I'd leave him. After a few weeks or months he'd be on the door step crying begging me back. It was all about control. He needed to demonstrate that he was in control and could have take me or leave me whenever he wanted. I'd be feeling better and then bam back he would come. Then the cycle would begin again. Love bombing, criticism, walking on egg shells, violence, tears, threats to kill himself, more abuse and back to love bombing. I was pretty funked by the time I actually got away from him. It took leaving about 7 or 8 times for it to stick. DONT LET HIM BACK IN. DONT START THE CYCLE AGAIN. Honestly, this is not love. Also get cameras and a camera doorbell. The violence / abuse can ramp up when they realise they aren't in control anymore. Oh and be prepared for threats to you and himself.

Don't allow him back op.
In fact move away and don't tell him where you've gone.
2 women a week are killed by abusive men.
You are you still. You deserve SO much better.
Get help. As much as you can.
Just leave his sorry arse behind xxx