How to stop the sheer GLUTTONY

[Tonightsthenight91]

I will start by saying I have adhd so I don’t know if this is at play here. But I am absolutely sick to death of myself.

I am getting really sick and tired of my consuming and my spending. It is making me really fed up and I’m just tired of living like this. If I’m not spending money, I’m eating. Every aspect of my life seems to be consumerism and - if I’m honest - greed.

examples:

• Constantly spending money. Whether it’s large amounts or smaller amounts every day I’m buying buying buying. Anything from meals out (every single day) to clothes or crap on amazon that I don’t need

• my daughters birthday is coming up, last night I wrapped her gifts, I’ve bought upwards of 20 gifts at around £20-£40 per gift. she’s 5. I know she’ll love and appreciate everything but just so unnecessary

• My eating habits are ridiculous, I can’t seem to say no to a snack or meal. I eat out every single day. Sometimes twice a day (lunch and dinner or breakfast and dinner). It also wouldn’t be “once in a blue moon” for me to eat out 3 times a day. My weight is increasing rapidly. I never make healthy choices.

• I love a nice bottle of wine and find over the summer break I’m having a couple of glasses every single night which also doesn’t help my weight or health.

• My water consumption is on 0 and I just love fizzy drinks. I think it’s a sensory thing because even champagne/Prosecco, sparkling water etc would all normally be preferred over a still drink. But I drink coke like it’s water.

• I spend money as fast as I make it and nearly collapsed when I looked at my bank statements (something I avoid) and saw how much money I spend each month!! I don’t save because I think what’s the point what am I even saving for. I just throw money away constantly and don’t know how to change that as the thought of living frugally seems overwhelming to me.

• I don’t exercise or walk anywhere. I drive absolutely everywhere. Even the corner shop! Obviously I spend a lot of money on fuel doing this and average about 15k miles per year or more. I love driving, I love my car and walking bores the life out of me and I get aggy thinking about all the time I could be saving if I’d have just drove.

• finally media consumption, I just always have to be “consuming” either tiktok, netflix or another subscription service, Instagram, WhatsApp. hell even mumsnet. I have major anxiety if my phone isn’t in my hand or in arms length to me. And have noticed I get frantic if I can’t see my phone. I never “switch off” from consuming. This doesn’t affect my kids before anyone asks because one of the only good things about adhd is i can multitask and they do get my attention constantly too.

ideally, I want to save money, lose weight, eat healthier, and be more present. I just can’t seem to find the desire to do that at all. I just feel like what’s the point I’ll just live life the most convenient way possible.

I’m looking for someone to come along and shock me into wanting to make these changes as I genuinely don’t see me wanting to make any based off my own annoyance. I just can’t be bothered if I’m honest and it’s a little depressing that I feel this way. (Described by everyone else as determined, headstrong, outgoing, always on the go, whereas I feel lazy, weak, boring and busy!) thanks if you got this far!

Right ADHD and you have a whole list of problems.

That's your first issue. You can't tackle them all at once and your post suggests that you want to with almost a magic bullet solution.

Start by focusing on one. By all means, think about the others but make one thing your real goal.

What strikes me is the impulsivity here. In order to really tackle that you need to plan as that will help with focus.

What is your plan for the week? What are you planning to cook / eat? What is your budget for that? These are unlikely to be in your mindset.

For me, whiteboard - write in what you are going to eat on each day and then do a shopping list. It sounds easy but if this isn't the way you work it's hard. I try and do ONE main shop a week like this. Then if I need to top up and make a point of walking to the shop - this way I buy less extra crap I need, I save on petrol (even if the local shop is more expensive per item the fact I impulse buy less and don't use petrol means it's cheaper). Planning should make you eat out less because you have a meal plan for that day you don't want to waste. Fizzy drinks - I buy six pack of sparkling water from Aldi then mix with squash or fruit juice. It should satisfy the sensory thing and help ween you off more addictive fizzy drinks.

If you can crack that, then other things will come more easily.

But plan / set budget is the way forward.

Write down all your Amazon purchases in a month - seeing it written down will focus you.

I wouldn't say to stop completely on any of these things - you won't manage it. But find ways to focus on what you are doing by having a way you can almost visualise it (hence budget/planning idea). Focusing on it wouldn't stop you but it should help you reduce over time and feel more in control.

Trying to go cold turkey on it all will simply set you up to fail. It's about small manageable chunks.

I can relate to all of this and I'm pretty sure I have ADHD, although undiagnosed.
My 20s were spent partying, spending, drinking too much, holidays, basically anything exciting that would give me a dopamine hit. Real life feels so boring and like I'm 'trapped'.

Anyway, with the money issue the one thing that helped was to imagine what my dream purchase would be in a year - for me that was a gorgeous new car. So one month I just stopped the spending and saved my money. Once I could see the money in savings this became my new obsession and I got my buzz from seeing how much money I had in the bank! Same with saving a deposit for a house, dont over think it, just do it - put the money into savings the day you get paid and go from there!
Similar with exercise, one day I just signed up to a class on a whim after having my baby and that was the hardest part, then it became my new obsession.
It's so hard to make the changes, but you just have to do it, make that 1st step then see how things progress!

Do you have a trusted family member or friend who would work with you on this.

My first thought is limiting your access to money. So maybe another trusted person could take charge of your money and help you to save, budget, food shop and even hold your spending money themselves and pay it out to you weekly?

It's not a long term solution, but you have identified the problem, but I think you will need help to change. But well done for getting this far and acknowledging it.

Start saving. There will be a point as you'll be able to take yourself and Dd on amazing holidays, take her on wonderful day trips. Take her to Disney World one day. Even buy her a car in the future or help her buy a property.

Think of a place you might want to go to and see how much it would cost to go there. Every time you're about to spend some money unnecessarily, think about how much you could save towards your holiday instead. Transfer that money into your savings.
That might be help to switch the addictive behaviour to saving.

About the eating, I have a fasting app on my phone. I put in the hrs I want to fast (16 after dinner, 4 between meals) and it helps me to not eat during those times. The timer is going and its keeping me in check. I cannot be weak and give in. But I can once the timer is up.

Water - fill a large jug of water, put some slices of lemon in it, place it in your kitchen or on the table, put a nice glass next to it and it'll prompt you to drink it. The aim is to finish the jug by the end of the day.

As for media addiction. I see it as requiring constant 'input'. Find some podcasts, audiobooks, music or talk radio instead and get on with things.

There's a lot going on there so it seems overwhelming. You can't tackle all of that at once. You need to choose a couple of things and do them - once they are established as a habit, add the next thing.

I think I would start with the fizzy drinks to be honest. Do not have them in the house. You could have one glass with a meal out, but if they aren't in the house you can't drink them. Swap them for fizzy water - it's way better than cola or fanta etc.

You can do something about the daughter's birthday overspend immediately by getting some Christmas wrapping paper and wrapping up half of them for Christmas. Christmas shopping for her done.

Then on to the meals out. I had a McDonalds addiction earlier this year. I was stressed, feeling really miserable about myself and driving around from one appointment to the next with no time to eat properly. I can cook really good meals at home which taste way better than McDs and are healthy. But I was just picking up a McDs on the way to or from an event. Sometimes I was even getting in my car and driving 20 minutes to the nearest McDs because I felt depressed about my life.
I said to myself that I could eat anything I wanted as long as it wasn't McDs. So when I had no time to eat between events I was picking up a supermarket sandwich instead. At home I started cooking more curries and freezing them. Obvious stuff really - but I had to force myself. I said that I wouldn't think about the nutritional value of anything until I'd got off the McDs - so at first it didn't matter if I made or bought something that wasn't ideal. And then gradually weaned myself onto more healthy food at home as the McDs addiction faded.
As well as that, I put 12 Euros cash into a pot every single time I was tempted to use McDs and didn't. So if I managed to resist McDs on the way home, the money saved went towards my holiday saving money. It soon adds up.

Maybe you could do something like that. Start by saying a maximum of one meal out a day. You absolutely do not need to be eating breakfast out, apart from a special occasion with others. Get that cut out to start with - research what makes a decent breakfast, get the food in for it and start there. Tell yourself that if you have a decent breakfast you can have either lunch or dinner out, but not both.
When that is working well, look at lunch options and do the same so that you don't eat out for lunch unless it's a special occasion.

Make a start, see how you get on. Don't try to tackle everything at once.

I think best to focus on small, sustainable changes that become new habits

Just saying you're not alone OP! The binge eating thing is really tough with ADHD because you can't go cold turkey on food. I'm trying to train myself to be a person who doesn't eat UPFs but it takes time.

You need help managing your ADHD. There are several routes you can try - medication, various types of therapy.

I drink fizzy water all the time at home, with a small amount of PLJ in. It's obviously more than tapwater, but considerably cheaper than Coke!

When I feel like a snack from the office stash I drink from my water bottle instead. Doesn't always work, but it staves it off and keeps my water intake up.

Can you take any of the gifts back? Keep maybe the best four - two for birthday and two for Christmas - and return the others. Then use maybe £20 to £50 to get some little things like hair accessories or sparkly t-shirts that will be useful but also fun to unwrap.

Can you find something vaguely constructive to do online? I got obsessively into Ancestry a couple of years ago and my social/forum use nosedived. And since I've got back into the crossword I haven't felt the need to reopen Tattle

It sounds like you have a lot of expendable income. I would have a portion of my money go into a locked savings account on payday every month. You might not be motivated to save, but just doing that will limit your overspending - unless you think you're the type to reach for a credit card?

I would then sign up for something like HelloFresh or Mindful Chef and get the DC involved in cooking with you. It's a nice thing to do together and there will be simple instructions to follow with each meal.

I would also put a time limit on my phone, either on certain apps or general use.

Obviously you still needs to have motivation. It sounds like you do have a deep underlying want to change though.

Well done for wanting to change OP!

I know nothing about ADHD so won’t try to make suggestions about that side of things. However, I think you are being quite hard on yourself / internalising blame for a lot of things that our consumerist world is totally designed to make us addicted to. Everything you mention - shopping, junk foods, booze, social media - is part of what we are bombarded with all day long and there are big industries designed to get us addicted to all of it for the sake of profit.

So, I think you should take a multi-pronged approach to change. As well as the good suggestions from pp, think about how you can design these things out of your life so that you are not constantly reliant on willpower or your overworked brain to resist them. Ideas could include exercising with a friend or PT (means you have to show up), using apps that block social media sites, setting up a automated bank transfer to send disposable income to a no access (or hard to access) savings account on payday, shopping for groceries online to stop impulse buying of junk foods in the store, etc.

Good luck!

ADHD = naturally low dopamine levels so we're constantly trying to seek things which will stimulate the dopamine. This is why people with ADHD are prone to these behaviours and are also prone to depression. Medication can help if you can persuade anyone to prescribe it.

Hi OP, some helpful responses here though I haven’t read all of them. It seems as if you need to trick your brain into gradually sliding towards where you want to be.

It strikes me also that this dislike you feel towards yourself is holding you back in a big way. It’s all linked of course but I would say prioritise learning to like yourself.

Good luck!

When I say « it’s all linked », I mean the self-loathing and the self-sabotaging that seems to be going on

I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD OP and I could have written your post. I think we have to figure out ways to get a dopamine hit from the healthy stuff, and I'm currently reading and listening to online resources to find out how to do this for myself.

One book I would recommend is Atomic Habits, although not pitched at the ADHD brain it is a really good guide to how to make baby steps towards being the person you want to be.

For example - I want to be a financially responsible person. What are my beliefs about the habits a financially responsible person has? I think they check their account every day, they don't have apps that tempt them to spend money such as Amazon, they have all their bills on direct debit, they secure away part of their earnings so they can't spend it... lots of that is a small thing you can do. Make it a habit to check your bank once a day when you drink your first coffee. Delete Amazon. Remove your card details from AutoFill on your phone so you have to physically get up and get your card to buy something online. Put your bills on direct debit and set up a standing order for a chunk of your wages to a 28 day notice savings account.

And don't beat yourself up when you fail at some things and can't continue the habits perfectly, this is the nature of the ADHD brain and you have to accept your ND brain is all it's loveliness!

@Tonightsthenight91

Like you but for different reasons and in different ways jowett same outcome, never knowing what money I was spending.
My motivation was to be able to give dc as much as I could on very low income.

To find the best quality I could on low wage.

1. steady the ship = work out essential non negotiable out goings.

2. what's left?

3. make it work, divide it all up for instance get seperate savings going. Motivate... Would you like to take dd to lapland? Target about 3 grand.
   Would you like to take her something really special? Memories of holidays will be worth more to her than tons it toys that you can usually buy for a fraction of the cost on ebay or local sites.

4. save up for Christmas, holidays, birthday's so you can do truly amazing stuff with her.
   It's a beautiful feeling to spend money that is guilt free it really is.

5. after all essentials and savings for the above (Xmas) is covered, work out what you can spend one fripperies week to week each month. We save for all the above plus savings plus emergency stuff. We have 75 a week left for spend on takeaway or meal out or whatever.

6. each month every penny I have goes somewhere, whether it's into our holiday savings or Xmas or emergency saving, longer term, isas... Weekend allocation. After 10 mins of being paid I've moved all the money where it needs to go.

7. I assume your not extremely wealthy and would like to give dd fhe best child hood with lots of fun activities and trying out a musical instruments, drama, football whatever. With nice holidays and special trips out.

You can achieve this guilt free with steadying the ship.

Sometimes it helps to draw cash out to begin with.

@Tonightsthenight91

have you thought about taking up running OP? That could really help you

I don’t save because I think what’s the point what am I even saving for.
Unless you are really wealthy there is always something you could save for.
A big holday, a car, your child's future, a pension.
A chase account might help. You can put money in various "pots". They gain interest and it's not a bad rate. So next time you are about to click order on amazon, instead move the money into a savings pot. When you see it grow that will encourage you more.

What are my beliefs about the habits a financially responsible person has? I think they check their account every day, they don't have apps that tempt them to spend money such as Amazon, they have all their bills on direct debit, they secure away part of their earnings so they can't spend it.
I am financially responsible and frugal. A hige chunk of my income goes into savings of different kinds, I never see it.

I have Amazon on my laptop but not my mobile phone. It makes it easier to avoid impulse buying.

I also try to not buy immediately. Things have to stay in the basket over night. Then I come back to the basket with a clearer head thinking do I really want that.

I try not to have cakes and crisps in the house. If they aren't in the house I can't eat them.

Isn't all this within your control through exercising some self discipline?