Apologies that are ruder than just replying late

[GalGadont]

For context: I’m not a particularly speedy replier to texts, and most of my friends aren’t either. I don’t take offence if people are slow to reply to non-urgent messages, partly because I’m slow too, partly because in general I just assume that we’ve all got busy lives and people will reply when they have time and energy. If I’ve been a particularly long time in replying to a message I might put ‘sorry to be slow’ or similar in my reply when I do send it, but I don’t make excuses for why because that implies that if it had not been for the excuse ‘reason’ I would have replied more quickly which I think we both know is bullshit, and I don’t want to insult their intelligence by repeatedly providing made-up excuses for why I’ve been slow. (Obviously if there was an actual reason I would mention it).

So: I don’t have form for taking offence when people are slow to reply, and my friends know this. However, some of them who are otherwise good friends evidently feel compelled on some occasions to offer excuses anyway. I know this is very small fry in the scheme of things, but AIBU to think these come across as way ruder than just late replying?! A particular favourite which I’ve had from a couple of friends is ‘sorry, I thought I’d replied’. IMO this scores the double-whammy of both insulting the recipient’s intelligence (since personally I don’t think I’ve ever hallucinated replying to someone when I haven’t…) and, if taken at face value, implying that you/the conversation are so unimportant to them that they can’t remember whether they’ve replied to you or not. I’ve also recently had variations on ‘sorry, I read your message and then forgot about it’ (really put this bluntly), which may well have the merit of total honesty, but IMO comes very firmly under the heading of situations where total honesty is not the best policy!!

These are good friendships otherwise, so AFAIK it’s genuinely not a situation where someone is intentionally trying to hurt my feelings or blow me off.

YABU - these responses are fine

YANBU - these responses are ruder than just replying late, and it would be better if they just didn’t give an excuse

You are really over thinking this.

I often say I thought I’d replied because it’s true. I read messages and reply in my head all the time, and then realise with horror ages later I never actually wrote or sent it. Sometimes I’ve half typed it and then had to check a detail and forgotten to go back to it. I’m the same with email.

I do have ADHD and I’ve been like this ever since texts and emails began.

Yup, I often think i have replied but not done so

It's fine. I think I've replied all the time, pause to check a detail/ask DH whatever & then forget, as I've ticked it off my mental to do list.

Text is not the immediate media it used to be.

Another one here who replies 'in my head'. Like a PP I may have gone to check a calendar/weather app and forgotten to come back and finish the message.

It's really not a sign that it's not important to me, as a couple of days later I'll wonder why the sender hasn't replied to me, which is often when I find my half a reply written in my little box!

So the conversation/plans etc genuinely are on my mind, it's a brain failure. I do not like this about myself.

Yep, like others I have often wondered why I haven’t heard from someone, only to check our messages and find a half composed message that I didn’t press send on. But I thought I had. Or I write messages on my head all the time if I read on the go, then forget to actually physically write them

There’re been times I read a message and meant to reply with something and later thought I did. And also I’ve read messages then was busy and kind of forgot about them. So don’t assume someone is lying unless he or she has been deceptive before somehow.

So unless this is a particular person who keeps ignoring you or putting you off with excuses, then I’d say it’s nothing to even waste your time thinking about/assuming the worst.

Don’t be too vigilant over casual phone messages 😄

I've also thought I've replied and haven't! It's never involved hallucination, but often I've typed all/most of a message out and then got distracted before actually sending. I've also done the compose message in my head but never even got to typing it thing, I don't think that counts as a hallucination though!

I've also read and then forgotten before replying to about a million non-urgent texts. I don't think that's particularly rude tbh, it's a reflection of having the busy life you're understanding of when people are slow (but I assume not when they forget things).

So YABU.

Wow you have so over thought this! I often forget to reply as I have a busy life! Not because I think the person isn’t important.

To be clear since some posters seem to have misunderstood: it’s the bluntly telling someone that you read their message then forgot it that comes across as rude to me. Not the forgetting and then remembering itself which I agree is totally understandable

Oh god are you one of my friends?

I use both of these. Often I read messages when I'm out and can't reply straight away then forget about them.

Other times I type a reply, get distracted and don't send it.

Both perfectly genuine and nothing to do with my feelings about the person. I'm just very slapdash.

This has made me reply to two messages from yesterday though that I have forgotten about.

@GalGadont I've typed replies and thought I'd hit send. Then later found that, for whatever reason, it hadn't sent. So I don't think "sorry, I thought I'd replied" is too unreasonable.

Thanks to all the posters explaining that ‘thinking I’d replied’ is actually a thing - it’s not something I’ve experienced myself so hadn’t realised.

😆

But if something is totally understandable, it surely then can't be rude to tell someone? It doesn't make sense to be offended by something that is 'totally understandable'.

I'm always reading messages when I'm out and about, or at work, and think I'll reply later and then forgot for sometimes weeks. I have a professional job and am a conscientious person. But I am relaxed about messages.

DH on the other hand replies immediately and thinks ppl who don't are rude. I'm always telling him to not over think things, ppl are busy and distracted, it's not personal. Also I find him rude for stopping literally anything else he is doing when the message arrives to reply to it.

I actually think if ppl include an apology they do at least recognise they are slow and care enough to try to explain why!

They haven't misunderstood, they just don't agree with you. Now you're being rude by implying these posters don't have the intelligence to properly interpret your posts!

I don’t think it’s rude but then I frequently tell people I forgot to reply or thought I’d replied, both of which are true! It’s just fact, it’s not a value judgement

I think I see what you meant now. Yes in that case yes. Is it one particular person?

I dunno. Aren’t there situations in which, for example, it might be totally understandable to think someone was ugly, but rude and unnecessary to tell them you think that?

This is me!

I also sometimes send texts which haven't addressed the specific question I have been asked. So needing to reply again.

I can see where there would be a bit of a difference between ‘read this then forgot it, sorry!’ and ‘Saw your message then got caught up in work and forgot, sorry! How are you?’

And tone can be hard to get across accurately in messages too. So yeah I can see how it depends on how the text is worded, how often the person does this, etc.

No I don't think that telling someone that they're ugly is comparable to telling someone that you're sorry you read and then forgot their text message.

I don't think most people would think tbh. You might be on your own with this one!

I’ve had it from a couple of friends over the years, one I think quite possibly was intending to be rude (and she basically cut me out as a friend), the other more recently and I’m hoping she didn’t mean it like that.