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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apologies that are ruder than just replying late

88 replies

GalGadont · 31/08/2023 15:03

For context: I’m not a particularly speedy replier to texts, and most of my friends aren’t either. I don’t take offence if people are slow to reply to non-urgent messages, partly because I’m slow too, partly because in general I just assume that we’ve all got busy lives and people will reply when they have time and energy. If I’ve been a particularly long time in replying to a message I might put ‘sorry to be slow’ or similar in my reply when I do send it, but I don’t make excuses for why because that implies that if it had not been for the excuse ‘reason’ I would have replied more quickly which I think we both know is bullshit, and I don’t want to insult their intelligence by repeatedly providing made-up excuses for why I’ve been slow. (Obviously if there was an actual reason I would mention it).

So: I don’t have form for taking offence when people are slow to reply, and my friends know this. However, some of them who are otherwise good friends evidently feel compelled on some occasions to offer excuses anyway. I know this is very small fry in the scheme of things, but AIBU to think these come across as way ruder than just late replying?! A particular favourite which I’ve had from a couple of friends is ‘sorry, I thought I’d replied’. IMO this scores the double-whammy of both insulting the recipient’s intelligence (since personally I don’t think I’ve ever hallucinated replying to someone when I haven’t…) and, if taken at face value, implying that you/the conversation are so unimportant to them that they can’t remember whether they’ve replied to you or not. I’ve also recently had variations on ‘sorry, I read your message and then forgot about it’ (really put this bluntly), which may well have the merit of total honesty, but IMO comes very firmly under the heading of situations where total honesty is not the best policy!!

These are good friendships otherwise, so AFAIK it’s genuinely not a situation where someone is intentionally trying to hurt my feelings or blow me off.

YABU - these responses are fine

YANBU - these responses are ruder than just replying late, and it would be better if they just didn’t give an excuse

OP posts:
Blackscrackleanddrag · 31/08/2023 15:42

‘sorry, I thought I’d replied

I have done this. Often because I have mentally composed a reply, probably about to type it and then something comes up and I don't, but because I have replied in my mind, I forget that I actually haven't in reality. I have also actually typed a reply and then forgot to hit send.

hylian · 31/08/2023 15:42

This is really not a big deal.

I would never read anything into someone saying they thought they'd replied.

You're overthinking.

I recently told my friend sorry I forgot to reply because it was true. I would not mind if someone said that to me. People are weirdly hyper sensitive about this stuff sometimes.

willittho · 31/08/2023 15:42

I think this is a simple case of you understanding that other people aren't you and don't necessarily behave exactly as you do.

You're a slow reply, you don't think that's rude. Lots of people do, for instance.

You don't begin to write a message then forget about it, lots of people do.

And so on.

Original poster
GalGadont · 31/08/2023 15:43

NuffSaidSam · 31/08/2023 15:40

No I don't think that telling someone that they're ugly is comparable to telling someone that you're sorry you read and then forgot their text message.

I don't think most people would think tbh. You might be on your own with this one!

Show quote history

OK. I was responding to your more general point (since you chose to put it in general terms) that if something is totally understandable it can’t be rude to tell someone.

OP posts:
hylian · 31/08/2023 15:45

GalGadont · 31/08/2023 15:24

To be clear since some posters seem to have misunderstood: it’s the bluntly telling someone that you read their message then forgot it that comes across as rude to me. Not the forgetting and then remembering itself which I agree is totally understandable

If you think it's 'totally understandable' for someone to forget to reply to a message, why is it rude for them to say it? I just don't see this as rude. Everyone does it sometimes. It really doesn't matter.

Original poster
GalGadont · 31/08/2023 15:51

hylian · 31/08/2023 15:45

If you think it's 'totally understandable' for someone to forget to reply to a message, why is it rude for them to say it? I just don't see this as rude. Everyone does it sometimes. It really doesn't matter.

Show quote history

Everyone does it sometimes, but do you have friends who make a point of telling you they forgot about you?

If you do and it doesn’t bug you, that’s your prerogative. Personally I think it’s a bit weird, but sounds like we’ll have to agree to disagree.

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 31/08/2023 15:53

GalGadont · 31/08/2023 15:40

I’ve had it from a couple of friends over the years, one I think quite possibly was intending to be rude (and she basically cut me out as a friend), the other more recently and I’m hoping she didn’t mean it like that.

Show quote history

That makes sense, Op. It reminds you of unkind friend from before so you hope it this one isn’t doing it too. I get that.

NuffSaidSam · 31/08/2023 15:54

GalGadont · 31/08/2023 15:43

OK. I was responding to your more general point (since you chose to put it in general terms) that if something is totally understandable it can’t be rude to tell someone.

Show quote history

Do you really believe it's 'totally understandable' to think someone is ugly with enough reason to tell them?! Surely not.

Whereas explaining why a message is late (I read and then forgot to reply) is perfectly understandable, normal thing to do. As evidenced by the number of your friends doing it. Have any of them ever told you you're ugly?

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 31/08/2023 15:57

I’m with you. It’s interesting that the polling and replies are so one sided. I’m very much for Never apologise. Never explain’. particularly the ‘never explain’ bit. Excuses generally boil down to ‘something else is (or was) more important (than you).’

KrisAkabusi · 31/08/2023 15:58

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 31/08/2023 15:57

I’m with you. It’s interesting that the polling and replies are so one sided. I’m very much for Never apologise. Never explain’. particularly the ‘never explain’ bit. Excuses generally boil down to ‘something else is (or was) more important (than you).’

Whereas that could come across as very rude to someone else.

hylian · 31/08/2023 15:58

GalGadont · 31/08/2023 15:51

Everyone does it sometimes, but do you have friends who make a point of telling you they forgot about you?

If you do and it doesn’t bug you, that’s your prerogative. Personally I think it’s a bit weird, but sounds like we’ll have to agree to disagree.

Show quote history

I just think it's over sensitive in the same way as people who get upset about being "left on read" or if you don't reply for a little while. I don't get it. If you are friends with someone and that friendship is secure then stuff like this really doesn't matter.

Original poster
GalGadont · 31/08/2023 16:07

MysteryBelle · 31/08/2023 15:53

That makes sense, Op. It reminds you of unkind friend from before so you hope it this one isn’t doing it too. I get that.

Show quote history

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Flakey99 · 31/08/2023 16:10

The problem here is that you’re judging others based on your own made up rules (of messaging etiquette) and many of us have different but equally valid rules that we live by.

nadine90 · 31/08/2023 16:15

I don't think you should read into it so much. Someone forgetting to reply to a message is not the same as them forgetting you as a person in their life. People forget important things all the time (well, I do!). And if you understand that, as you say you do, why would you find it rude for people to say that? It's an admission of their forgetfulness, not that you don't matter to them.

Ilovemydog2 · 31/08/2023 16:16

Also a replier in my head. And I start typing a reply and my baby will interrupt then I’ll think I replied. Guilty as charged too, I’m afraid.

I actually turned off my read receipts as I have two work friends who are high maintenance Whatsappers. I honestly don’t give it a second thought when people say this to me. In fact, it’s nice and refreshing to think people are busy away from their phones and distracted from them by life.

Maltaw · 31/08/2023 16:21

‘sorry, I thought I’d replied’

I genuinely think I've replied when I haven't. I will have written the text or message but either I've not sent it or I've sent it but there has been a problem with the signal. It's a genuine thing.

I think you are overthinking this. A lot. If your friends are generally decent then I think you need to give them a bit of credit.

BubziOwl · 31/08/2023 16:24

I very, very frequently believe I've replied to a text when I actually haven't. Sometimes it's because I spent time mentally planning a reply which tricks me into thinking I sent it. Sometimes I type it out, decide I want to check it through again later before sending, and then that's misremembered as actually sending the reply.

On Facebook, I often go to send a message to someone only to find the draft reply to a message weeks earlier saved in the box you type in... l always just send it and add "sorry, thought I'd replied" at the start. It never occurred to me that anyone would be so bothered by that!

Bunnyhair · 31/08/2023 16:25

This is your stuff, OP.

If I forget to reply to a message it doesn’t mean I have forgotten entirely about the person who sent it, or that they mean nothing to me, or that I think they are forgettable in their very essence.

Changingmymind66 · 31/08/2023 16:25

I frequently type a long reply, get interrupted by kids, work and dont hit send and I'm mortified when I realise ages after. It's actually the replies that are most important/ the I've thought about most that this happens to.

Karatema · 31/08/2023 16:37

Whenwillglorioussummercome · 31/08/2023 15:06

I often say I thought I’d replied because it’s true. I read messages and reply in my head all the time, and then realise with horror ages later I never actually wrote or sent it. Sometimes I’ve half typed it and then had to check a detail and forgotten to go back to it. I’m the same with email.

I do have ADHD and I’ve been like this ever since texts and emails began.

This is me and my true friends don't take offence because they know me well.

Original poster
GalGadont · 31/08/2023 16:41

Glad I created this post, as otherwise I might have gone decades believing that ‘sorry I thought I replied’ was utter b.s. when evidently it’s quite common…

OP posts:
Crossstich · 31/08/2023 16:52

I've said I thought I replied because sometimes I read a message then something distracts me, and I think I've replied because that's what I intended doing. It's not an excuse it's true.

Original poster
GalGadont · 31/08/2023 16:52

Have found the general trend of replies interesting, as MN elsewhere is so full of ‘friend didn’t reply to your text within 30 mins? Get rid’ type responses (I’m exaggerating a bit, but not much)

OP posts:
IfYouMustThen · 31/08/2023 16:57

It's not rude at all. Someone could have read the message in the middle of bathing their child and suddenly 2 days have gone by and they think SHIT I NEVER REPLIED TO GALGADONT. Absolutely nothing at all rude about that, just busy lives and a simple case of forgetting.

MysteryBelle · 31/08/2023 17:02

Read the rest of Op’s posts and you’ll understand what she meant. I responded same too to the first post. But I get what she’s saying after learning more.