Apologies that are ruder than just replying late

[GalGadont]

For context: I’m not a particularly speedy replier to texts, and most of my friends aren’t either. I don’t take offence if people are slow to reply to non-urgent messages, partly because I’m slow too, partly because in general I just assume that we’ve all got busy lives and people will reply when they have time and energy. If I’ve been a particularly long time in replying to a message I might put ‘sorry to be slow’ or similar in my reply when I do send it, but I don’t make excuses for why because that implies that if it had not been for the excuse ‘reason’ I would have replied more quickly which I think we both know is bullshit, and I don’t want to insult their intelligence by repeatedly providing made-up excuses for why I’ve been slow. (Obviously if there was an actual reason I would mention it).

So: I don’t have form for taking offence when people are slow to reply, and my friends know this. However, some of them who are otherwise good friends evidently feel compelled on some occasions to offer excuses anyway. I know this is very small fry in the scheme of things, but AIBU to think these come across as way ruder than just late replying?! A particular favourite which I’ve had from a couple of friends is ‘sorry, I thought I’d replied’. IMO this scores the double-whammy of both insulting the recipient’s intelligence (since personally I don’t think I’ve ever hallucinated replying to someone when I haven’t…) and, if taken at face value, implying that you/the conversation are so unimportant to them that they can’t remember whether they’ve replied to you or not. I’ve also recently had variations on ‘sorry, I read your message and then forgot about it’ (really put this bluntly), which may well have the merit of total honesty, but IMO comes very firmly under the heading of situations where total honesty is not the best policy!!

These are good friendships otherwise, so AFAIK it’s genuinely not a situation where someone is intentionally trying to hurt my feelings or blow me off.

YABU - these responses are fine

YANBU - these responses are ruder than just replying late, and it would be better if they just didn’t give an excuse

I find it strange that people can function and hold down a job if they really think they’ve replied to something but haven’t. I think not replying because you’re busy and it’s not a priority or urgent is actually ok but if people really are so manic they can’t keep track then how do they succeed at work?

Well, I use email at work, not messaging systems or social media. It's easy to see what I've replied to and haven't.

Agree!

Well, for me, I don’t succeed hugely. I have had repeated ADHD burnout, and have had to find strict ways to cope with the demands of work. In my spare time I can’t sustain that without serious harm to my mental health.

I also have to prioritise my mental energy for work, which pays my bills, over checking up constantly on my WhatsApps.

It does happen at work too, despite my efforts. Not remotely ideal.

Luckily none of my friends has ever taken offence at my texting habits.

This is me. I also have ADHD.

’Sorry, I read your message and forgot it’ just seems unnecessary to me. Why say it?

I think most people who say it do so because they aren’t loading it with the same meaning you are. To you it sounds like “Other things in my life are more important than remembering to reply to your message therefore you are not important.” Whereas maybe for many people, answering text messages is fully understandable as a lower priority in life and they don’t take a forgotten reply as a message about their personal importance.

Its a way of telling the person you weren’t deliberately ignoring them or deliberately deprioritizing them, it just slipped your mind.

I’m a single mum and my kids, work, staying on top of my weekly chores and getting 10 minutes to myself are always going to take priority over going back through the messages I’ve missed during the week and replying to them, especially when I have new messages coming in too.

‘Why not’ is never a particularly compelling rationale

Yes, I would say if my phone had exploded in my hand. Unlike ‘I read your message and forgot it’, it doesn’t imply anything about finding the other person unimportant.

I once had a friend that took 3 weeks to reply to a message about some tickets i had for a festival .
I even rang her 4 times coz i new she would love to go i got no answer so took someone els .
she replied 3 weeks in a right hump ( no longer in touch )
i also had worked with a woman that took a weeks to reply to anyone as she was just to busy but yet she was always on her phone but didnt like if if no one got back to her in 5 seconds . ( blocked )
I just dont get it not replying for weeks or answering calls or even doors .
Sometimes i am busy and i cant message back asp but will do it at some point that day other times i just send a quick one saying ill give you a call or text later and i do .
Its not hard to do is it .

I said in my original post that I’m more than fine with slow replies, and I don’t actually expect an apology of any kind. Of course we’ve all got higher priorities than responding to non-urgent messages. It’s the going out of your way to underline that you find someone forgettable that I find weird. If you want to apologise just say ‘sorry for late reply’ and leave it at that.

It’s the going out of your way to underline that you find someone forgettable that I find weird.

This what I meant by personalising it in a way that other people aren't doing. They're not saying "I find YOU forgettable." They are saying "I forgot to reply to this message." It's not about you. If I forget to reply to someone, it's not about the quality of our relationship or how I regard them. I might forget to reply to one of my best friends because I was in the middle of juggling a school departure when her message came in, and instead reply to someone I know far less well because their message arrived when I was standing in line at the supermarket. You're making their response about you as a person, when it's not.

I agree. On balance I think its ruder to take days to reply to a message than it is to say you thought you'd replied but hadn't.

I couldn't get particularly exercised about either and I don't expect instant replies but it does slightly piss me off when people have clearly read messages and then take a week to respond to them.

This what I meant by personalising it in a way that other people aren't doing. They're not saying "I find YOU forgettable." They are saying "I forgot to reply to this message." It's not about you.

Also this. You seem to be taking this incredibly personally. The person who thought they'd replied to you but hadn't is almost certainly doing the same to others.

Oh! I have genuinely thought I’ve replied when I haven’t before - so perhaps got interrupted by DC and forgotten to press send. So I might well say “I thought I’d replied”. Oops!

Well I say sorry I thought I'd replied sometimes because I write the text and somehow get distracted by life/children/work all sorts and then I think to myself a few days later mmm so and so hasn't relied. Look at my phone and see the text staring back at me!