Apologies that are ruder than just replying late

[GalGadont]

For context: I’m not a particularly speedy replier to texts, and most of my friends aren’t either. I don’t take offence if people are slow to reply to non-urgent messages, partly because I’m slow too, partly because in general I just assume that we’ve all got busy lives and people will reply when they have time and energy. If I’ve been a particularly long time in replying to a message I might put ‘sorry to be slow’ or similar in my reply when I do send it, but I don’t make excuses for why because that implies that if it had not been for the excuse ‘reason’ I would have replied more quickly which I think we both know is bullshit, and I don’t want to insult their intelligence by repeatedly providing made-up excuses for why I’ve been slow. (Obviously if there was an actual reason I would mention it).

So: I don’t have form for taking offence when people are slow to reply, and my friends know this. However, some of them who are otherwise good friends evidently feel compelled on some occasions to offer excuses anyway. I know this is very small fry in the scheme of things, but AIBU to think these come across as way ruder than just late replying?! A particular favourite which I’ve had from a couple of friends is ‘sorry, I thought I’d replied’. IMO this scores the double-whammy of both insulting the recipient’s intelligence (since personally I don’t think I’ve ever hallucinated replying to someone when I haven’t…) and, if taken at face value, implying that you/the conversation are so unimportant to them that they can’t remember whether they’ve replied to you or not. I’ve also recently had variations on ‘sorry, I read your message and then forgot about it’ (really put this bluntly), which may well have the merit of total honesty, but IMO comes very firmly under the heading of situations where total honesty is not the best policy!!

These are good friendships otherwise, so AFAIK it’s genuinely not a situation where someone is intentionally trying to hurt my feelings or blow me off.

YABU - these responses are fine

YANBU - these responses are ruder than just replying late, and it would be better if they just didn’t give an excuse

I’ve explained a few times upthread that it’s not the forgetting I find rude, it’s the telling someone you forgot them that I personally find a bit weird. Of course though you’re entitled to feel differently.

Not talking to person just before my comment, just in general.

I often think I've replied and haven't, sometimes I've started and got side tracked. It's definitely a legitimate excuse.

I don't think it's particularly rude either tbh though might depend on what the message was about. Your recent cancer diagnosis failed to register with me: rude. Forgetting you'd asked me to send you a recipe which I didn't have to hand when I first read your text: just being honest and not rude.

‘Sorry, I read your message and forgot it’ just seems unnecessary to me. Why say it?

I’m really glad this thread has helped, especially if you associate this sort of reply with someone who hurt you. And FWIW I roll my eyes at any thread like that. They always sound very immature to me, and I never personally worry about a delayed response without good reason, knowing how I operate myself!

Aren’t there situations in which, for example, it might be totally understandable to think someone was ugly, but rude and unnecessary to tell them you think that?

Good grief, you're massively overthinking this. Unless there's something majorly important in the text or they are going through a hard time then why is it so bad to say you've forgotten, I've forgotten and told the person so, I don't think it rude! Mostly just general chit chat, I'm busy, so are most people and it's ok to forget sometimes. You're taking offense when there's nothing to be offended about!

Because it's better than them thinking you'd deliberately ignored it? Because it's part of the apology- I'm apologising for being disorganised and forgetful? Do you never apologise for forgetting to do something someone asked you irl?

Or in an email at work, if someone had to chase you? "Sorry, it slipped my mind"? Doesn't sound particularly rude to me then either.

Yep, I do the forgetting to reply thing. In fact, I wrote exactly that this morning… sorry, if you’re my friend 😅

I have ADHD, a 3 year old and I’ve fairly recently set up a business 🤪 I’m also packing for a trip away which involves 2 kinds of sports kit for 3 people. It’s chaos here!!

It's not rude at all, the action or the telling them. I'd never feel someone was being rude to me if they said oh shit I forgot to message back.

Yes me too. I think it's very common.

Most times I've genuinely replied in my mind lol. Or read it, acknowledged to myself to reply ASAP and remembered a day later or sometimes I don't have mental capacity to communicate. My friends know I mean no disrespect and I always be upfront with new people that im not being horrible and tend to voicenote if it need quick reply. I've tried many times to be better with it but it always slips. With friends they are just as bad to be honest and usually we just carry on our messages without apologies

I think there's a massive difference between trying to explain your behaviour or lack of contact and commenting, unprompted, on someone's physical appearance that has nothing to do with you.

Anyway, you seem to be tarring all friends who do this with one particular ex friend's brush. People don't act the same. If they are trying to cut you out as a friend you'll know about it one way or another.

A particular favourite which I’ve had from a couple of friends is ‘sorry, I thought I’d replied’. IMO this scores the double-whammy of both insulting the recipient’s intelligence (since personally I don’t think I’ve ever hallucinated replying to someone when I haven’t…) and, if taken at face value, implying that you/the conversation are so unimportant to them that they can’t remember whether they’ve replied to you or no

Well, I did exactly this yesterday when texting my dh that his dinner was ready. I opened my phone to text, got distracted and then thought oh hang on a sec, did I text? I hadn't! I didn't text him that I thought I had messaged him, but I am just showing you can in fact mean to message someone and forget.

Honestly, I would expect my friends to forget about me in the short term. I certainly don’t have them at the forefront of my mind all day every day, so it wouldn’t even occur to me to react to a «sorry I forgot» message.

Thank you, OP. I am a "thought I'd replied" type 😳This thread prompted me to check and respond to two messages. My friend (who is usually worse than me) responded immediately 😊

I have a lot to do in any given day between running my own business and family stuff. The number times I have meant to reply to someone, got distracted, and then forgot, but then REMEMBERED, is like INFINITY. I’ve also thought I replied and then checked because I hadn’t heard back and realized I didn’t. People provide excuses because they feel guilty and you are being a bit fussy to think these excuses are insulting. Basically the person is saying ‘You Do matter to me, my life is crazy and I’m struggling to remember to do anything right’

😊

Why not say it? If you'd not replied because your phone had exploded in your hand, would you not say that? Why would you not tell them the reason if it was as mundane as having forgotten?

People will respond to who they want to respond to in a timely manner-busy or not

All this 'i'm too busy', 'i wrote a message in my head' is bullshit.

No-one is that bloody busy- it takes a second to respond

OK I am a bit on the fence here. I always reply and usually very quickly. Once i typed a message out replying and was sure I had sent it. After a day or so I went to message again to chase up and my reply was still in the WhatsApp typing box so it does happen. I am now mortified that she might have thought I was lying about thinking I'd sent it!

I run a sports team and I have to chase up selection responses, one parent I have to chase every time after emails, texts etc. Bearing in mind, I work full time, plus work in the evenings and volunteer in a big role at this club running several teams she responds often the day before or morning of a match to say yes or no, she apologises and says she's been busy. Makes me so angry! I have started giving her a deadline to respond and if not I select someone else, she still respond ls days later and is miffed I've picked someone else.

If you were stood in front of someone speaking, and they just blanked you, that would be rude. Texting someone and them not replying to your preferred timeframe is not rude, and the notion that it is is what causes us all to be attached to our phones 24/7- never able to switch off. It's unhealthy for the brain. Grow up

I find it strange that people can function and hold down a job if they really think they’ve replied to something but haven’t.

I think not replying because you’re busy and it’s not a priority or urgent is actually ok but if people really are so manic they can’t keep track then how do they succeed at work?

Some people take umbrage if you don't reply straight away. Quite often I don't reply straight away because I'm busy, and then forget. I mean it doesn't bother me personally one way or the other, but with one acquaintance it's like the bloody elephant in the room if I don't apologise for a late reply. Just because you don't like honesty other people do 🤷‍♀️.
And yeh sometimes I've definitely replied, but for whatever reason the message hasn't sent (quite common as my phone won't send texts via SMS, so if I've run out of data or no Wi-Fi then the message doesn't send.