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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner's uninvited guest has turned up 5 hours early...

581 replies

Cynicaltheorist · 31/08/2023 14:03

My partner is involved in organising an event tomorrow and was cornered into offering a bed tonight for a person who's coming fro a distance. He doesn't know this guy. There have been a number of increasingly infuriating phone calls about arrival times etc. This bloke seems chaotic and doesn't seem to be able to manage directions. I've been really, really busy for the last week and a guest was the last thing I needed. I insisted that this man doesn't arrive before my partner is home from work at 7pm, by which time I will (probably) have finished what I need to do and be in a fit state to host.

The guy has just phoned to say he's a few minutes from our home. He phoned my partner and my partner told him he can come straight here. I'm right in the middle of my work, I haven't had a shower this morning and the breakfast things are still all over the kitchen. I'm so angry with my partner. He's always doing things like this. This guy is going to arrive shortly, he's told me he hasn't had any lunch so presumably will expect me to make him a sandwich. Who the hell turns up five hours early? So bloody rude and entitled.

OP posts:
ZadocPDederick · 31/08/2023 16:25

Fridaytomorrow · 31/08/2023 16:19

So, if he’s driven 300 miles, and not restricted to bus or train times, there’s no reason for him to have arrived so early.

He could just have started later. It would all have been in daylight.

Yes, he must have started ridiculously early. I can't really see any circumstances where I'd manage to turn up 5 hours early after that sort of journey, but if it looked likely I'd make my drive down very leisurely with breaks along the way.

Plus this guy turn up around 2 and was claiming to be hungry around 3. Surely in that situation, with time on your side, you stop to eat before you arrive at your destination, rather than expect your host to interrupt their work and magic food up for you? What did he plan to do if your OP had said sorry, no, you can't turn up before the agreed time, there will be no-one to let you in?

MinnieGirl · 31/08/2023 16:26

MillWood85 · 31/08/2023 15:23

There's no way in a million years I'd let anyone into my home to stay overnight that neither my DH nor I had actually met in person.

That's so far beyond weird.

Totally agree…..
He might be a mad axe man…..
Really weird and I would have said no way.

passiveaggressivenonsense · 31/08/2023 16:27

I think given the circumstances you handled it reasonably, but there's no need to be cold and distant. You can set boundaries and be pleasant at the same time.

Original poster
Cynicaltheorist · 31/08/2023 16:28

I'm nearly as furious with all the people projecting their fear of strangers and having a man you don't know in the house as I am about my partner saying yes he can come and this guest for thinking that it wouldn't be a fucking nuisance, turning up so early. Please stop projecting your fear of guests and men onto me. We are normally sociable and happy to welcome guests, but we had a guest last week and I have family from abroad coming next week and my work is hectic at the moment.

He's arrived early because, apparently, the journey would have been even longer if he hadn't set out early before the traffic built up. So he prioritised his own convenience over ours. Which is why I'm in no mood to bump into him in the kitchen and feel obliged to be polite.

OP posts:
Azaeleasinbloom · 31/08/2023 16:28

You are a nicer person than I, OP. This man is incredibly rude, and your partner is a CF too, dumping this on you.
i would, at the very least, be expecting my partner to be paying for my friend and I to have dinner tonight.
Your ‘guest’ sounds a real bargain, I would not be putting myself out for him at all.

MeetMyCat · 31/08/2023 16:28

FullFatPhil · 31/08/2023 14:07

"Who the hell turns up five hours early? So bloody rude and entitled."

Someone who was told that it was ok. It's your boyfriend that needs telling.

This

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2023 16:29

Seaweed42 · 31/08/2023 15:27

Your DH seems to think his own need to be liked is more important than anything you say or indeed your safety.

This. You need to find your anger and explain to your partner his behaviour is controlling and dangerous.

Feverly · 31/08/2023 16:30

Imagine allowing a boyfriend to disrespect you, and put you at risk to the extent he literally invites a random man off the street in to your house while you're alone. The sheet audacity and contemptuous behaviour of him.

Tell the weirdo to knock before he enters rooms in your property, them go out for the evening as planned. Preferably to a hotel.

MrsSquirrel · 31/08/2023 16:32

He is a CF, not a reasonable person. OP says she is working, asks him to go somewhere else for a few hours and he comes in and lies down on the bed. He interrupts her and wants her to stop what she was doing and feed him. I would be fuming.

VivX · 31/08/2023 16:33

"...he was very tired after driving 300 miles and he just wanted to lie down.." because he set off way too early🙄

He was so cheeky to have prioritised himself over you when you are hosting him.
And obviously your partner should not have told the CF that it was okay to arrive 5 hours early.

Anyway, hope you have a great night out tonight.

Feverly · 31/08/2023 16:34

Ah, ok, that's nice you're fine with the aspect of a random man walking in to your house. I'd be scared, but cool that you're not ☺️

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2023 16:35

It’s not people op. It’s women. Some of these women you’re nearly as furious with will have been through harrowing experiences with unknown men. I wouldn’t invite an unknown male into my home (eg workman) unless they were known to me or had been recommended to me. That’s about keeping myself safe and has nothing to do with being welcoming of guests.

ReginaPhalang3 · 31/08/2023 16:35

100%! I definitely wouldn’t be letting a stranger roam about the house while I was working. I agree with not answering the door or directing him to a cafe.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 31/08/2023 16:36

he's told me he hasn't had any lunch so presumably will expect me to make him a sandwich

And? He can expect away...

If he's desperate for a sandwich, I'm sure he can find a cafe.

Original poster
Cynicaltheorist · 31/08/2023 16:38

Please stop it with the put you at risk to the extent he literally invites a random man off the street in to your house nonsense.

This man is someone who is connected via colleagues of my partner's (he's not my boyfriend, we're not teenagers). He's not 'some random man off the street.' He's going to be running one element of a training event tomorrow.

Most women who are killed in their own homes are killed by people they know. This kind of scaremongering is really dangerous and can lead to women leading fearful lives, scared of venturing out.

OP posts:
jays · 31/08/2023 16:39

Cynicaltheorist · 31/08/2023 16:28

I'm nearly as furious with all the people projecting their fear of strangers and having a man you don't know in the house as I am about my partner saying yes he can come and this guest for thinking that it wouldn't be a fucking nuisance, turning up so early. Please stop projecting your fear of guests and men onto me. We are normally sociable and happy to welcome guests, but we had a guest last week and I have family from abroad coming next week and my work is hectic at the moment.

He's arrived early because, apparently, the journey would have been even longer if he hadn't set out early before the traffic built up. So he prioritised his own convenience over ours. Which is why I'm in no mood to bump into him in the kitchen and feel obliged to be polite.

I think people were just trying to empathise with/be on your side OP. Lesson learned

TheCatterall · 31/08/2023 16:41

I wasn’t projecting my fear of strange unknown men entering your home - I was relying experiences and concerns I would keep in mind when a stranger to yourself and your partner is staying with you.

I find it bizarre that people come on AIBU and command exactly what comments they do and don’t want from a large forum of anonymous folks.

you crack on with being pissed of at the world OP. It’s working well for you so far.

sodthesodoff · 31/08/2023 16:41

Cynicaltheorist · 31/08/2023 16:38

Please stop it with the put you at risk to the extent he literally invites a random man off the street in to your house nonsense.

This man is someone who is connected via colleagues of my partner's (he's not my boyfriend, we're not teenagers). He's not 'some random man off the street.' He's going to be running one element of a training event tomorrow.

Most women who are killed in their own homes are killed by people they know. This kind of scaremongering is really dangerous and can lead to women leading fearful lives, scared of venturing out.

From your op your partner 'doesn't know this guy'

But wow. Your response to be 'furious' with women who fear an unknown man in their house. Doesn't cross your mind these women might have a reason to be fearful eh?

Yeah all sympathy gone. Enjoy being awkward in your own home.

LookItsMeAgain · 31/08/2023 16:42

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 31/08/2023 16:19

I'd be furious with my partner as well for telling his friend there was no problem in turning up before you were expecting him.

Whatever about the bloke needing somewhere to stay, your partner is as much to blame for the situation you found yourself in where a stranger was allowed to enter your home. If this is a thing that your partner does @Cynicaltheorist, what I would invest in is a video doorbell and then reply to anyone who might ring the doorbell that you're not there at the moment/about to start a video meeting in the next minute and they will have to come back at the pre-arranged time. What they do after that is up to them.

I actually don't know why the bloke who drove 300 miles couldn't have walked/driven a few more to go to the cinema and get something to eat when he was out.

Your partner has massively disrespected you, your job and your home by making a sweeping generalisation that of course this person could show up as you're already at home. Why didn't they leave their work early so that they could be host?

ifIwerenotanandroid · 31/08/2023 16:42

Yep. Unwatching thread because of OP's responses.

jays · 31/08/2023 16:43

TheCatterall · 31/08/2023 16:41

I wasn’t projecting my fear of strange unknown men entering your home - I was relying experiences and concerns I would keep in mind when a stranger to yourself and your partner is staying with you.

I find it bizarre that people come on AIBU and command exactly what comments they do and don’t want from a large forum of anonymous folks.

you crack on with being pissed of at the world OP. It’s working well for you so far.

This! Come on AIBU, is that not asking for opinions etc? I actually give up on Mumsnet. I give up.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 31/08/2023 16:44

Cynicaltheorist · 31/08/2023 16:38

Please stop it with the put you at risk to the extent he literally invites a random man off the street in to your house nonsense.

This man is someone who is connected via colleagues of my partner's (he's not my boyfriend, we're not teenagers). He's not 'some random man off the street.' He's going to be running one element of a training event tomorrow.

Most women who are killed in their own homes are killed by people they know. This kind of scaremongering is really dangerous and can lead to women leading fearful lives, scared of venturing out.

Jeez! Apologies for my empathy. Good grief. 🙄

jays · 31/08/2023 16:44

ifIwerenotanandroid · 31/08/2023 16:42

Yep. Unwatching thread because of OP's responses.

Same. And thank you. I thought it was just me.

Original poster
Cynicaltheorist · 31/08/2023 16:46

ifIwerenotanandroid · 31/08/2023 16:42

Yep. Unwatching thread because of OP's responses.

Thank you, you've made me laugh.

OP posts:
Feverly · 31/08/2023 16:46

And as I said, it's cool that you're totally fine with your boyfriend inviting random strangers in to your home 💁🏻‍♀️