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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I tell mum and dad I don't want them to visit me ??

85 replies

HowMuchMore2 · 31/08/2023 10:05

I'm a regular but have name changed in case this is recognisable as I think SIL is on here.

I have a slightly strained relationship with my parents. It's not terrible but we are definitely not classed as close. They live at the opposite end of the country to me and have done for many years as I moved away at 18. They are elderly (both mid-80s) and very very set in their ways. No problem with that it's their life to lead as they wish. I speak to mum about once a fortnight for a catch-up. She talks at me and its usually one-way transmission, if I try to speak she just talks over me. That's fine also I can tick off daughter duties complete.

If they needed anything from me I would always help them. They are financially secure and as I said very set in their ways. They have never asked me for help.

They've decided they want to visit my teeny tiny house for a week long visit. Many years ago they did this and it was awful. They sit around and expect me to wait and carry for them the whole time. I work very long full time hours in a stressful job with 20 days holiday a year. They want me to take a week off to look after them.

I do not want to offend them. They are very strong willed and treat me like a naughty teenager most of the time (I'm 53). I give way to their way of thinking for an easy life, as I say once a fortnight is doable.

AIBU for not wanting them to visit? How can I politely tell them I don't want them to come? I've said I am worried about the long journey and will go to them instead for a weekend but they won't have it and are INSISTING.

OP posts:
fireplavefish · 31/08/2023 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Sorry all, but the OP is a previously banned troll with a new tale each namechange. We've deleted their threads and posts.

towriteyoumustlive · 31/08/2023 10:08

Compromise. Take 3 days off. Wait on them. They're your parents ans won't be around much longer.

If the house is too small then book yourself into a local airbnb room!

fireplavefish · 31/08/2023 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Sorry all, but the OP is a previously banned troll with a new tale each namechange. We've deleted their threads and posts.

EmmaEmerald · 31/08/2023 10:09

I don't think there is a polite way.

You just have to say you don't want guests, especially for so long.

they are actually being rude inviting themselves to stay!

I wonder if this is partly a way of asking for help - do they need a week off from normal life? In that case they need to book a holiday where they get waited on.

sorry if projecting but given experience with elderly mum, is it a way of alerting you that they need help? - in which case they need to get carers, cleaners, whoever in.

EmmaEmerald · 31/08/2023 10:09

towriteyoumustlive · 31/08/2023 10:08

Compromise. Take 3 days off. Wait on them. They're your parents ans won't be around much longer.

If the house is too small then book yourself into a local airbnb room!

Omg there's always one 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Random789 · 31/08/2023 10:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think it would be helpful if you thought of a couple of options and put these to your parents with as much forcefulness and confidence as you can muster.
Start by telling them that it just isn't possible for them to stay with you for a week (blame work, or even invent a logistical issue in the home) and suggest options such as you visiting them for a weekend or them coming to your locality and staying in a Premier Inn (or somesuch) and sharing some days out together and some meals at your house.

Don't let guilt corner you into something you know will be awful for you.

midlifecrash · 31/08/2023 10:15

Unfortunately next door are having some urgent work done to their foundations/drainage and it will be very noisy/dusty/smelly….

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/08/2023 10:16

How often do you see them. A conversation once a fortnight that is just daughter duties sounds quite sad really. If they haven't been to your house for many years then I think I might make an effort for a few days as a compromise

MorvernBlack · 31/08/2023 10:22

I assume they aren't thinking of staying for good as they may be no longer coping?

zoomiesdrivememad · 31/08/2023 10:23

I'd just tell them that whatever dates they give you don't work, you can't take the week off etc.

Maybe arrange to go and see them as a compromise over a weekend, but don't stay with them, book an local hotel.

EmmaEmerald · 31/08/2023 10:23

OP you might want to join us on this thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4856638-cockroach-cafe-summer-2023?page=22&reply=128829154

but gird yourself, it can be very depressing. It's great support for me atm as I recently had a breakdown after caring for mum.

IseeNarcPeople · 31/08/2023 10:25

Say you can't take a whole week off, don't go into details keep it simple, ask them which two days they want to visit or you will come to them if it's too far to travel for two days
Alternatively you simply say you can't take any time off at all at the moment, work is full on. No means no. No big long explanation. You just can't.

Cherrysoup · 31/08/2023 10:27

I think you need to tell them you’ve used up your annual leave so can’t take the time off/spare room is now a home office, there’s no spare bed. A week is far too long for guests. You’d need a holiday after them staying!

Thepowerhouseofthecell · 31/08/2023 10:28

Tell them you can't take a week off work and reiterate that you would like to come and stay with them for a weekend instead.
Or you could tell them that they can come for a week but you'll still have to go to work every day. Bit risky, but then they might not want to?

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/08/2023 10:30

It sounds as though they want to break away from home, and maybe they are struggling to do everything for themselves now and think it would be nice to have someone wait on them. To be honest, I don't blame them for thinking that you would do that if they stayed with you. They are hardly at an age where they can do much themselves, especially in someone else's house where nothing is familiar.

Could you suggest they go on a holiday together? Could you bear to go with them for a few days? I think that would work better than them being in your house.

Elfandwellbeing · 31/08/2023 10:32

Ask yourself this.. if/when they pass away would you remember this dilemma and regret not spending a week with them?
If not, then you need be honest or at least diplomatic because if you are busy one week they have the luxury of changing the date to any week if they want. They don’t sound like they have a lot of other commitments.
If you in fact feel that you would feel guilty or regretful then perhaps humor them to protect yourself from future regretful feelings.

Middleagedmeangirls · 31/08/2023 10:33

Tell them you don't have any holiday available so they will have to fend for themselves. Stick to your normal routine. They won't starve.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 31/08/2023 10:35

Do they like dcats? Ddogs? No? Get 1. Or be safe and get 1 of each... We got a large breed dpuppy years ago. Our house became a great quite place. Fab!

Takeitonthechin · 31/08/2023 10:44

I would just say, it's not convenient as work is really busy at the moment and you will let them know when things calm down and you will visit them as it easier for all.

Or you could say there are a few colleagues off work at the moment and you are filling in for them, so now is inconvenient for them to visit.

I would make arrangements to have a long weekend at theirs in the very near future, they want to see you and may want to discuss some things face to face if they're elderly.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 31/08/2023 10:45

towriteyoumustlive · 31/08/2023 10:08

Compromise. Take 3 days off. Wait on them. They're your parents ans won't be around much longer.

If the house is too small then book yourself into a local airbnb room!

The OP has to vacate her home to accommodate house guests?? 🤷🏻‍♀️

What planet are you on??

Ameanstreakamilewide · 31/08/2023 10:47

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 31/08/2023 10:35

Do they like dcats? Ddogs? No? Get 1. Or be safe and get 1 of each... We got a large breed dpuppy years ago. Our house became a great quite place. Fab!

Right. 🙄

Greengagesnfennel · 31/08/2023 10:56

I'd suggest that you don't book annual leave and say ok but I will need to be working. That way you will have some time away from them when they are with you (I'm assuming you don't WFH here).

It is only a week. Of a lifetime - do you really enjoy the everyday sameness of work and your usual life that this is such a big deal? It doesn't sound like they are nasty to you, just a but annoying. One week of a bit annoying isn't a big deal to do something for you own parents surely?

BathingBeauty · 31/08/2023 10:56

Never takes someone long to say ‘they’ll die one day’ as a reason to put up with any behaviour. Maybe she should ask them to move in so she can see them as much as possible before they pass away?

Can they come for a shorter period, sorry I didn’t see why it was a week specifically.
Could they do a long weekend and tell them you will be extremely busy around that time with work so they won’t actually see you?

Original poster
HowMuchMore2 · 31/08/2023 10:59

They are fortunate to still be very independent and coping very well. I've suggested getting them some minor help (cleaner/gardener/help with shopping) but they strongly poo poo the idea.

They cannot be helped in any way. Except when they come to me and lose the ability to even make one of their endless cups of tea. I'm literally on the go from wake up to go to bed.

I would feel bad if I stopped them coming and regretful when the inevitable happens but I truly cannot cope with a week of my very strong mother and her frankly bigoted opinions most of the time.

I won't be staying in a B&B while they stay but thanks for the idea. I think the best idea is to be endlessly too busy at work, but subtlety and taking no for an answer doesn't come naturally to my mum !

OP posts:
Batalax · 31/08/2023 11:03

A week is too long but I think you can suffer a few days. Use work as an excuse and ask if they prefer to come for a shorter break or you go to them.

If your relationship is generally okish, I think you’d hurt them refusing totally. It’s not unreasonable to want to visit a child you love. But it’s not unreasonable if you to not want them for a week.