How can I tell mum and dad I don't want them to visit me ??

[HowMuchMore2]

I'm a regular but have name changed in case this is recognisable as I think SIL is on here.

I have a slightly strained relationship with my parents. It's not terrible but we are definitely not classed as close. They live at the opposite end of the country to me and have done for many years as I moved away at 18. They are elderly (both mid-80s) and very very set in their ways. No problem with that it's their life to lead as they wish. I speak to mum about once a fortnight for a catch-up. She talks at me and its usually one-way transmission, if I try to speak she just talks over me. That's fine also I can tick off daughter duties complete.

If they needed anything from me I would always help them. They are financially secure and as I said very set in their ways. They have never asked me for help.

They've decided they want to visit my teeny tiny house for a week long visit. Many years ago they did this and it was awful. They sit around and expect me to wait and carry for them the whole time. I work very long full time hours in a stressful job with 20 days holiday a year. They want me to take a week off to look after them.

I do not want to offend them. They are very strong willed and treat me like a naughty teenager most of the time (I'm 53). I give way to their way of thinking for an easy life, as I say once a fortnight is doable.

AIBU for not wanting them to visit? How can I politely tell them I don't want them to come? I've said I am worried about the long journey and will go to them instead for a weekend but they won't have it and are INSISTING.

Or let them come, don’t book leave and tell them you’ve been called into work on short notice for an emergency. So you have a break from them during the day and it wouldn’t be unreasonable to then say they’ll have to make tea etc as you’ve been working all day. Eat out or have takeaways etc. Go to bed early as you are knackered etc. Make life as easy for yourself as you can.

A week is way too long. Just clearly state no, you don't have the space/time and you'll come and visit them for a weekend soon and stay locally. My parents are like this with the inability to lift a finger when they're at mine so they only come for short visits as otherwise it's too exhausting. I rarely talk to my mum on the phone either. Not everyone has these very intense constant contact relationships with their parents.

I'd be honest! Mum, I love you however we lead very different lives and I'm not sure we'd like each other very much after a week. Can we do 3 days or I can come to you for the weekend?

The issue with going to work in the day is OP will come home and have to cook a big meal and tidy up, when if she comes home late. My parents never ever cooked or made food for my dc on the rare occasions they looked after them. They'd wait for me to get in no matter how late to starving dc and I'd be cooking for them, me, H and DC at the end of a manic day. MIL the same.

Maybe have them for a weekend if you really have to? You need to be honest with them. Say you're very tired and can't do everything for them. Just get convenience food and if they don't like it direct them to the supermarket. Say you're too exhausted to cook. Same with making cuppas. Just drink a bottle of water and let them make most themselves.

Exactly @Courgeon you get it!

On the day of arrival it will be train pick up at 6ish, I'll have to arrange to leave work early to get there on time. They will have been on the train all day, I'll have been at work all day.

Drive home, put tea on, take suitcases up and help unpack. Clean up, make drinks endlessly, collapse. Next day make endless drinks, breakfast, entertain, blah blah. It sounds like something a good daughter should just do but it's exhausting and I simply don't want to do it.

Both deaf as posts but won't wear aids or admit it so TV has to be on a million decibels and subtitles on. Everything has to be repeated at least twice.

I'm meaning this slightly lightheartedly but I'm not made out for elderly nursing even of my darling parents!

Not sure they are 'darling parents'

Have not enough leave left but enough for a long weekend where you stay up near them and visit/take them out

You tell them you have a teeny tiny house and work long hours and remind them how uncomfortable it was last time they stayed. You're sure they'll find somewhere lovely nearby to accommodate them staying locally. You think they'd enjoy doing xyz or going to abc during the days while you're working but you are really looking forward to spending time with them for dinner and at the weekend. They can come to you for dinner on Tuesday (insert whichever day/s) or the 123 restaurant does excellent food as well.

And you shove everything for tea/dinner in a slow cooker so it's ready when you get home.

Nice thought @Toddler101 but it wouldn't work like that. I wish it was that easy.

I’d say you can’t have the leave, but they can come for a weekend.

I had the hearing thing with my mum. I ended up just refusing to have the TV or radio above a certain volume, ‘as the neighbours complain’. Made her v grumpy but was driving me mad!

I can’t see it would be THAT bad. Surely you do things all the time that aren’t of your choosing? Just do it, cook ahead/buy in/go out, and expect to be tired. It’s unlikely they’ll be able to make a habit of it. I would imagine they want to talk to you face to face about something.

Just tell them you don't have space for visitors.

Sorry but I would suck it up and take the time off. They are in their 80's and do you really want your last thoughts to be that you could have seen them but chose not to? Its one week out of years of not having them to stay.

Isn’t there just !!

Comments like this are really inappropriate.

Again, for the people in the back: NOT EVERYONE HAS GOOD, KIND PARENTS.

They can still treat you as inferior/child but you can choose to respond as adult by saying a clear no, that won’t be possible without being forced into the weak position of making excuses which they can then shoot down. Just because your parents express strong desires doesn’t mean they get to control you so say no.

Then think of what would work for you. Suggest eg a weekend away in a hotel together if funds permit where someone else does all the work and you can spend time together doing whatever you all enjoy, the. It removes the whole thing of waiting on them and you as giver. If not possible visit them for weekend and take ready meals or whatever. Don’t let their dominance manipulate. You have a choice.

Perhaps they need to see you face to face for a conversation about health issues? So worth finding the time on your own terms though. Good luck OP. I have very similar experience.

I’d say that your leave has been refused at work, maybe work can only give you 2 days off? If it’s tagged on to a weekend it should be enough. I think you’re right to just keep mentioning how busy work.

I feel for you OP, my mother tried to invite herself and her husband to stay for 3 nights recently. I took a deep breath and said it didn't work for me. They came for 1 night and it was painful. Expected to be waited on hand and foot. Complained about everything. The best complaint was that I gave her 2 pieces of toast at breakfast when she can only eat 1. I was very happy when they left.

Just tell them you can't get any time off work and go to them for a weekend. Arrive Friday night. Leave after breakfast on Sunday. That's plenty of time.

For all those saying 'suck it up' you have no idea how awful it is having parents/step parents who are really not nice people.

Hmmmm.

Isn't one of your colleagues on long term sick with no cover so you can't take any time off? And several projects concluding over the next few months with hard deadlines that you just can't get out of?

You've got a long lost friend coming to stay/lodging for a few months?

Could you not ask them to help out a lot more if they come as you are so busy

"I would love for you to come! But I can't get time off work I'm afraid. I'll do my best to get home early some of the time. I'm sure you can find things to do during the day without me."

Then if they come set up the kettle etc for them to help themselves. Arrange a drinks try for the evening for the same. Have a plate of 'picky food' in the fridge and in the counter for them to graze on.

Order take away meals "Sorry, I'm just too exhausted to cook this week. If you fancy making dinner though I can make sure the ingredients are there".

"I've just got all the drinks things ready for you so that you can help yourselves rather than waiting for me."

If they ask for something. "Sorry, I'm just in the middle of something, do help yourselves, I'm not sure how long I will be". (Have laptop open and do SOMETHING that looks work related).

Or visibly hold some pain relief medication in front of them and complain of a headache. No need to actually take it if you don't need to, pretend to away from them.

Just say you cant take any time off of work and you have damp in your house and the builders are in and out a lot trying to sort it out so they cant stay. Basically just lie!

Correct.

In addition, as we age, most people really cannot cope with having guests (whoever they are) longer than 3 days. A close friend, who we're usually very happy to spend time with and who helps out, etc when she stays, came for 5 nights recently. We both said "Nope, can't do that again!" after she left.

Elderly parents - however much they might mean to us - get more and more feckin' annoying the longer we host them (or stay with them - that can be almost as bad).

OP, I think you need to gird your loins and tell them it just won't work for you and you WILL be going to visit them.