How can I tell mum and dad I don't want them to visit me ??

[HowMuchMore2]

I'm a regular but have name changed in case this is recognisable as I think SIL is on here.

I have a slightly strained relationship with my parents. It's not terrible but we are definitely not classed as close. They live at the opposite end of the country to me and have done for many years as I moved away at 18. They are elderly (both mid-80s) and very very set in their ways. No problem with that it's their life to lead as they wish. I speak to mum about once a fortnight for a catch-up. She talks at me and its usually one-way transmission, if I try to speak she just talks over me. That's fine also I can tick off daughter duties complete.

If they needed anything from me I would always help them. They are financially secure and as I said very set in their ways. They have never asked me for help.

They've decided they want to visit my teeny tiny house for a week long visit. Many years ago they did this and it was awful. They sit around and expect me to wait and carry for them the whole time. I work very long full time hours in a stressful job with 20 days holiday a year. They want me to take a week off to look after them.

I do not want to offend them. They are very strong willed and treat me like a naughty teenager most of the time (I'm 53). I give way to their way of thinking for an easy life, as I say once a fortnight is doable.

AIBU for not wanting them to visit? How can I politely tell them I don't want them to come? I've said I am worried about the long journey and will go to them instead for a weekend but they won't have it and are INSISTING.

I’d go with the too busy at work excuse. But you are 50 now, maybe you should be able to say with confidence “I don’t do house guests, it’s not for me.”

Be honest. Tell them you can’t take time off work and your home is too small to accommodate others when you are the midst of a very stressful work period. Suggest a hotel, etc, instead.

I've read all the OP's posts and there's no evidence of an abusive, toxic relationship.
I would do it and view

I'm in a similar situation except my parents help they don't expect to be waited on.

I'd offer them Friday to Wednesday, do stuff with them at weekend but say I can't take time off work.

My parents are not abusive and are kind in their own way. But they are very stuck in their own ways with some pretty unsavoury opinions I don't share. Neither side was upset when I left home at 18 to move 400 miles away.
I'm very happy to live at the other end of the country and always have been.

For goodness sake. This is what OP said

I have a slightly strained relationship with my parents. It's not terrible but we are definitely not classed as close

Hardly stately homes territory

Absolutely do not have them to stay. There are people on this thread who don’t understand what it is like to have a difficult relationship with your parents, who are trying to make you feel guilty for not being a ’good daughter’.
You don’t have to be a good daughter, not if it costs you your sanity.

If you can bear it, maybe suggest they stay in a hotel nearby for the week, but sadly you can only take two days off from work to spend with them.
Or just tell them that you don’t have any spare room/spare time for visitors.

They’ve spent 53 years conditioning you into being the ‘good daughter’. They know how to use it to their advantage. Don’t let the guilt force your hand.

Better to have a two-weekly duty phone call, than a terrible week long ordeal that may descend into arguments and a further deterioration of your relationship.

Just say you have a rat problem.

I think you are going to have to be blunt and just accept they will be upset. Not easy I know - its easy for a bunch of strangers on the internet to advise but very hard to do yourself. Find a set of phrase and stick to them like a broken record. My house is too small, I am too busy at work, it's a bad idea and i will find it too stressful. That's the truth and there's no shame in telling the truth although they won't like it. Whenever they ask 'why' just repeat the above phrases ad infinitum. Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns and tell it like it is - or else be a people pleasing martyr, give in to their demands, and have an absolutely miserable time.

Tell them you’ve recently had scabies that usually keeps people away.

Tell them it's not possible or workable but you will come to them for a long weekend instead and stay in a B&B nearby?

I really struggle to understand responses like these. OP has explained what she needs to to describe a situation where for her own well-being she has created boundaries and needs to stick to them. I'm sure OP could've thought about that herself if it was a real option for her.

I would suggest they go on a cruise.

OP, you are totally in the right. Just be honest and say "Sorry, mum and dad, we both know that our relationship works best because we are at some distance from each other so it really won't be possible if you come to stay with me". Then just keep saying "No, you can't come to stay" on repeat. And only if you can tolerate it, maybe add "I will have a look at whether I can come up to [your town] for a weekend later in the year". Some people on this thread just don't get it, but not everyone wants to spend time with their folks, so playing the 'they'll be dead soon' guilt trip just doesn't work.

Yep. This. If you're feeling nice say you'll pop and see them over a weekend or something.

They are in their mid 80s. How many more visits like this are likely?

I think you should suck it up and let them visit.

I would just ask them if they're ok fending for themselves as you will be at work. Make a joke around the fact it will be nice to have a meal waiting for you that you didn't have to cook yourself. Take a day off if you can. Then, it's all done, until next time.

It doesn't matter - she's a grown adult and doesn't have to have them to stay if she doesn't want to.

My parents aren't abusive either but I wouldn't want to spend a week with them living in my house - they would drive me mad.

Their age is irrelevant. OP doesn't want them to stay and isn't uncomfortable with the idea. She shouldn't have to override her own boundaries just because they happen to be her parents

I agree with the posters saying to let them come but say you can't get the time off work. I'd really resent spending a quarter of my annual leave for this! Maybe take one day off, and you'll see them in the evenings and weekend.

Just say ''No''. Say you do not have anyone to stay as house too small, guests are too demanding -especially them, you have no time as work all day and need your short holiday to relax. Let them know they affect your mental health. Do not worry about feeling guilty because they will die soon - you will realised you just told them ''how it is'' .

My elderly MiL (and Mum when she still travelled) would NEVER demand to be waited on hand and foot when visiting. They do/dis their best to help, clearing away dishes etc. Your parents are very rude and demanding OP and I absolutely get why you don't want to be subject to it.

And no-one comes to stay for a week, surely <shudder> .

I might try "I couldn't take that amout of time off and you know I find visitors really tiring". Ie suggest to them they are arguing with themselves not you? (Yeah ok that's a bit gaslighty but if they were sensitive to your needs, they'd know it...)

We have turned our spare room into a home office, after years of yo-yo ing visitors, it has worked a treat.
I offer to book them into a travel lodge but suddenly the need of our many family and friends to see us regularly has tailed off.
Its quite a relief - it’s hard work hosting.
Could this work for you?
I find it’s much easier to be the visitor, stay in a hotel and have a little more autonomy than being a host.
Good luck - it’s hard standing up to elderly parents.

No one can insist on staying in your home for a week! I understand how difficult it might feel to push back and tell them no after a lifetime’s conditioning, but if you can’t face dealing with that conversation and its consequences, then white lies are probably your only option.

Depending on your job, how about a ‘work trip’? There’s flexibility to tell them you’re away for that whole week to put them off coming altogether, or you could let them know you’ll only be spending a day or two with them before heading off, which means they’ll be left to enjoy the rest of the time at your house waiting on themselves. If they still insist on coming, I’d follow through with the work trip story and take myself off to the nicest place I could afford for a few days’ mooching around, reading, relaxing and having a peaceful time, daughterly duty done!

But you were the one saying "again for the people in the back, not everyone has good, kind parents" - so that was the argument you were making, and to which I responded!