Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for getting annoyed at DP's foul mood?

95 replies

MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 03:05

My DP needs his 8 hours sleep so he will go to bed between 9 or 10, and expect me to follow suit. He also had this tendency to fall asleep within 3 minutes so if I'm 15 min late and make a bit of a noise (I am a bit clumsy) he will wake up and go off at me for waking him up. It really bothers me because I see no need for a foul mood and I can't help it when I trip.

Last night I went to bed just ahead of him at 10 PM and brought my laptop to book my work hours as we need to book them before midnight the next day and I had forgotten before and didn't want to sit downstairs in the cold. It only takes a few minutes. I know he doesn't like it when I work in bed and I haven't done it for the last 5 years except for 5 min tasks maybe max. once a month but I thought I'd be done before he got in. So he was very quick in the bathroom and came to bed and immediately complained about my laptop, being in a horrible mood, before I could even tell him I just needed a couple of minutes. As I hate being angrily spoken to for literally nothing, we had an argument that lasted for the whole of my work task (literally 2 min) and much longer.

He excused his foul mood by "being angry at himself for not going to bed earlier" and "being in a constant state of annoyance at me" for some other shortcomings but didn't really ease off. I find that really unfair as it has nothing to do with the issue at hand which is that he got angry at me for nothing. And I just hate his foul mood which pops up so many times and so unexpectedly.

AIBU for getting upset at his foul mood?

OP posts:
LemonTreeSkies · 31/08/2023 03:15

Does he have a spare room you can ship him off to? If you were banging around at 2am you’d be annoying but otherwise YANBU

SunRainStorm · 31/08/2023 04:33

What did I just read- he dictates your bedtime?!

labamba007 · 31/08/2023 04:36

He expects you to go to bed at the same time as him? If so, I'd be telling him where to go!

CalistoNoSolo · 31/08/2023 04:38

He sounds awful tbh. Does he get up at 5 or 6am every morning? However, if its a task that just takes a couple of minutes why would you take your laptop up with you?

cocksstrideintheevening · 31/08/2023 04:42

He tells you what time to go to bed?

How often do you trip up that you wake hime up?

I'd pack him off to a different room.

Stratocumulus · 31/08/2023 04:50

Would it help to get your “stuff” and bed time routine organised well before his bedtime? Even down to cleaning your teeth/shower or whatever, moisturising face, nighty etc. then you won’t be banging around but can readily slip into bed without annoying him?
Secondly, don’t take your lap top to bed. Get yourself organised so that doesn’t happen OP. It’s not worth the aggro is it and that kind of screen stimulus right before bed is supposed to be bad for us anyway.

Don’t wanna sound “preachy” but Im a terrible night owl, my DP is a lark. I never disturb him when I’m later than him to bed and he never disturbs me when he rises at dawn. We are considerate of the others’ needs. No moods about that between us.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 31/08/2023 04:59

It’s a bit of both really. He shouldn’t dictate your bedtime but you shouldn’t wake him up or prevent him going to sleep by working in bed. It’s not hard for you to take your laptop elsewhere, but he can’t sleep elsewhere. And what are you tripping over all the time? Just come to bed quietly, it’s not difficult.

Original poster
MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 05:12

Stratocumulus · 31/08/2023 04:50

Would it help to get your “stuff” and bed time routine organised well before his bedtime? Even down to cleaning your teeth/shower or whatever, moisturising face, nighty etc. then you won’t be banging around but can readily slip into bed without annoying him?
Secondly, don’t take your lap top to bed. Get yourself organised so that doesn’t happen OP. It’s not worth the aggro is it and that kind of screen stimulus right before bed is supposed to be bad for us anyway.

Don’t wanna sound “preachy” but Im a terrible night owl, my DP is a lark. I never disturb him when I’m later than him to bed and he never disturbs me when he rises at dawn. We are considerate of the others’ needs. No moods about that between us.

I try my best to get organised and be quiet usually am but also I do forget things and our dog leaves stuff on the floor. I come to bed later maybe once or twice a week and it's usually only 5-15 min. He also doesn't have a fixed bedtime, and he will go to sleep anytime between 8.30 and 10 within 5 min of announcing it, and sometimes he doesn't say anything or just mumbles goodnight (two days ago I had to ask him three times what he just said as he was in the hallway) and just disappears and expects me to have noticed that he has gone and then - cue the same thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 05:13

But I wasn't. My "work" spanned the time between him going to the bathroom to 1 min after he got into bed. I'm not exaggerating here.

OP posts:
Original poster
MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 05:20

SunRainStorm · 31/08/2023 04:33

What did I just read- he dictates your bedtime?!

I think he'd be okay with me going to bed later in principle but it's almost impossible to not wake him up as he is a light sleeper and he falls asleep as soon as he gets into bed. Conversely, when he then wakes up because of me (e.g. he goes to bed at 9.30, I come in at 9.45), I think he gets so agitated that he can't fall asleep again for (according to him) hours.

OP posts:
WeirdBarbie · 31/08/2023 06:10

MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 05:20

I think he'd be okay with me going to bed later in principle but it's almost impossible to not wake him up as he is a light sleeper and he falls asleep as soon as he gets into bed. Conversely, when he then wakes up because of me (e.g. he goes to bed at 9.30, I come in at 9.45), I think he gets so agitated that he can't fall asleep again for (according to him) hours.

Show quote history

Right, so that being the case then it should be you who dictates bedtime. He cannot arbitrarily decide random bedtimes and then get shorty with you if you take 5-15 minutes longer.

Or, do what I as a very light sleeper do when I go to bed ahead of DH: Bose sleephones & eye mask.

If HIS random sleep routine is causing friction and you have done all you can (frankly you sound incredibly accommodating) then HE need to strategise a new approach. It is not unreasonable to go to bed early, but it is completely unreasonable to go to bed at 8:30 as an adult and get shitty with other members of the household for not jumping to sync up with his choices.

His agitation response to being woken might need professional addressing to help him find ways to react normally. It’s his issue, so he needs to figure it out.

MinnieMountain · 31/08/2023 06:14

Do you have a spare room? He needs to move into it.

LadyBitsnBobs · 31/08/2023 06:19

He is bonkers. Do you cook meals for him? Try serving them up at random times and insist he eats them instantly. See if he likes the same treatment.

HectorSalamanca · 31/08/2023 06:27

He expects you to go to bed - sometimes at 8.30pm!!!! Fuck that.

Why are you sat in the cold downstairs. Are you not allowed to put the heating on? Get a throw so you can get under a blanket.

I'd rather sleep on the couch than tiptoe into bed with that grumpy twat.

iamthattree · 31/08/2023 06:29

What's this bit about: "being in a constant state of annoyance at me"?

Because you don't go to sleep like him at 9.30 or in general?

He's saying it's your fault that he's in a mood? He can get to fuck can't he.

And dh and I never go to bed at the same time. And we are considerate of each other about it and accept that what suits him doesn't suit me. So he's being an arse.

RantyAnty · 31/08/2023 06:30

He really is a bossy bully

EveSix · 31/08/2023 06:39

This is where I wonder why cohabiting adults don't enjoy separate bedrooms more often, if they have the space. There is nothing about sharing a bed with DP that trumps having my own bedtime in my own space and sleeping in a bed of my own.
I work in bed most nights, usually well past midnight, and get up early, there's no way I'd be able to get my work done and not disturb DP if we had to share a room.

CuriousPorg · 31/08/2023 06:45

He needs an eye mask and earplugs or a separate bedroom

Hibiscrubbed · 31/08/2023 07:06

He’s abusive. Controlling your behaviour and especially your sleep patterns through deployment of his anger, is abusive.

Endofsummerisinsight · 31/08/2023 07:07

If it would only take 1 minute then why didn’t you do whatever you needed to so on your laptop down stairs? You were not doing to get cold in one minute.

You and DP need to talk about the problem and come up with a solution. What are you keeping in your bedroom that you need before bed? Keep it somewhere else. DP can pick up the things the dog puts on the floor before he goes to bed.

Hibiscrubbed · 31/08/2023 07:08

I wholeheartedly disagree with any suggestions on here about pandering to this man. You can choose to go to bed how and when you like.

WhatNoRaisins · 31/08/2023 07:09

This isn't right. He's not a child, if he has sleep issues he needs to find a way to manage them without controlling you. Is sleeping seperately an option here?

mildlydispeptic · 31/08/2023 07:13

What's he like the rest of the time, OP?

Sparkletastic · 31/08/2023 07:13

Sleep separately. Or better still, separate.

cutercards · 31/08/2023 07:37

My friend's husband has this whole '8 hours of sleep or I'll hold everyone hostage with my bad mood' approach to life. He stomps around in a foul mood until he has a nap. 🙄

Yes, I get that some people need routine and a set amount of hours but they're also responsible for regulating their own mood and behaviour if for whatever reason they don't get a full night's sleep. After all, I doubt he goes to work and starts raging at his boss because he 'didn't get enough sleep'.

There's a middle ground to be found here. As others have said, try and do your bedtime prep before going to bed so that you can just quietly get into bed. But likewise if he's accidentally disturbed then he needs to wind his neck in and stop being a grump. The more agitated he gets, the more likely it is that he will stay awake.

Also, go to bed when you're ready to go to bed! 😊

Swipe left for the next trending thread