AIBU for getting annoyed at DP's foul mood?

[MmeSimone]

My DP needs his 8 hours sleep so he will go to bed between 9 or 10, and expect me to follow suit. He also had this tendency to fall asleep within 3 minutes so if I'm 15 min late and make a bit of a noise (I am a bit clumsy) he will wake up and go off at me for waking him up. It really bothers me because I see no need for a foul mood and I can't help it when I trip.

Last night I went to bed just ahead of him at 10 PM and brought my laptop to book my work hours as we need to book them before midnight the next day and I had forgotten before and didn't want to sit downstairs in the cold. It only takes a few minutes. I know he doesn't like it when I work in bed and I haven't done it for the last 5 years except for 5 min tasks maybe max. once a month but I thought I'd be done before he got in. So he was very quick in the bathroom and came to bed and immediately complained about my laptop, being in a horrible mood, before I could even tell him I just needed a couple of minutes. As I hate being angrily spoken to for literally nothing, we had an argument that lasted for the whole of my work task (literally 2 min) and much longer.

He excused his foul mood by "being angry at himself for not going to bed earlier" and "being in a constant state of annoyance at me" for some other shortcomings but didn't really ease off. I find that really unfair as it has nothing to do with the issue at hand which is that he got angry at me for nothing. And I just hate his foul mood which pops up so many times and so unexpectedly.

AIBU for getting upset at his foul mood?

He sounds like an arrant cunt and his perceived need is suffocating you.
No adult should be dictated to about their bedtime and have you gone along with it because of his domineering ways, or have you been passive in other areas before this relationship (asking you the latter is NOT a criticism of you; I'm just trying to understand whether there's a pattern).
I'm not saying LTB, but my God, OP, this totally unacceptable, controlling behaviour needs sending tae fuck, as he is walking all over you in this area of your life.

You need a doghouse to send him to sleep in.

Or a new home for one of you. Preferably the irritated twat, but if younwere to pack your traps and leave, just imagine the giddy feeling of being able to go to bed whenever you damn well like, the way grown ups do.

I'm not really sure why this thread is now trashing me for a well thought through decision to have a child. Do you think your so special because you're a mum? Did you have a hard time? Fine.
I have gone through this with enough of my friends, comforted enough newborns and cleaned poop to be very well aware of the realities but most of them didn't have a hard time. If billions of people can be good mothers in all kinds of circumstances, including single and working mums, I'm pretty sure I will manage in the excellent setup I'm in despite the father not getting up at night.
I'm not going to not have a child just because I'm expecting the worst.

Also, wrt the autism vs bad behaviour question - he can't have it both ways.

If it's bad behaviour he needs to change it. He doesn't have the right to make you walk on eggshells. (And sorry, but having a baby with this horrible man was a bad idea. Babies are notorious for keeping people up at night.)

If it's not bad behaviour that he should just work on, then he needs to go and get assessed for autism and learn ways of being civil to his wife.

The bottom line here is that he thinks he's entitled to treat you very badly and you seem to think that's the best you deserve.

Of course, you can do it! We all can!
But I personally rather be a single parent than with someone who doesn't share the duties.
It's because I know myself: I would get extremely frustrated by the lack of help.

You might be okay with 2 hours of sleep and taking care of the baby while your partner sleeps 8 hours. For me, we either share everything or I rather do it myself.

Even if the father leaves everything to you at night he WILL be woken up regularly by the baby and that will put him in a foul mood.

I think you need to reread the responses here that focus on his appalling treatment of you and the entitlement that lies behind that.

The baby isn't your big problem even if he or she doesn't sleep through the night until age 2.5.

A man who treats you really, really badly is. Do you trust him to treat a toddler better?

I think the concern is that newborns wake every 1-2 hours. They need to wake to feed and its not good for them to sleep through, waking keeps SIDS risk low. Some of those wakes will be nice cooing, but many will be blood curdling I WANT MY MILK NOW!!!! screams. This can go on for months if not years. Unless his bedroom is in an entirely different wing it sounds like he's going to essentially punish you for the baby waking, get all stroppy and presumably refuse to take the baby during the day as a result meaning you will be on your knees. I predict you panicking all night trying to keep the baby quiet and sobbing all day because you're so tired and he's 'in a mood'. He needs to grow up.

Hmmm. I'm not a light sleeper and I'm a night owl. BUT if I'm woken up (even if it's within 10 mins of going to sleep) it can take me HOURS to go back to sleep. It's like my body's had a little nap but mistakes it for a nights sleep. I get wound up by it. However. It's not an excuse to take it out on someone and he needs to compromise as much as he expects you to

We are soundproofing, also, a lot of babies stop this behaviour after a short time. Granted, I might get unlucky but I can always spend some time in the flat if it gets difficult with his work and we don't manage to work it out. I mean, I am not sitting around sobbing, I do tell him to eff off when he's like that, and then we have an argument, so ... I'm not sure if you have the right impression of me ... I was just asking if this was an unreasonable response from me or not ...
But seems like the majority agrees it wasn't unreasonable.

I meant sobbing because you're so tired more than anything. I hope you get sleepers. Mine started to sleep through at 3 and a half (years). I'm not at all bitter 🤣

when I was about 38 said he categorically doesn't want them)
and here you are pregnant.
How do you think he'll feel
when baby wakes up or doesn't want to got to bed at 8pm? Will he rant at the baby?
Personally, Id be concerned about ever leaving a baby alone with him.

Good luck with it, OP. My partner doesn’t cope well with lack of sleep and we had our baby when I was 39. I did all the night wakings etc but he took more than his fair share of day duties. It worked out well for us and he was a better dad in those early days for having more sleep.
Now I work more hours than him and he does more than half the childcare, but I still deal with unexpected night wakeups as I am better at functioning the next day if I haven’t slept.

I'm glad you have a lot of other support OP.

You want this baby, you're having the baby. I genuinely with you all the best with it.

But someone who is this inflexible and selfish isn't going to do well with a baby in the house. Especially a baby they didn't want.

Babies are rightly inflexible and selfish.

How will he cope when the spotlight is on someone else's needs constantly? Your priorities shift off of him.

I hope it all works out but please look after yourself and have a back up plan ready.

You will be working- caring for your baby.
I breastfed my children but that didn't mean their father got an uninterrupted night's sleep.

Totally agree with this. I love having my own room and have had one for over 10 years. We just don’t sleep well next to each other and it caused all manner of arguments.

I don’t understand couples who have spare rooms constantly arguing about sleeping, then refusing to rectify the situation by sleeping separately. It quite honestly is the easiest solution!

Just to comment on this line. 8mo don’t need to breastfeed every half hour overnight, please don’t just say if you’re breastfeeding you are doing the nights anyway. I had poor sleepers and by the time it was my 3rd Dh (who was absolutely shit at helping at night and before we had a 3rd I told him it was step up or divorce time as I would never ever recover from the resentment if he couldn’t prove he’d changed) was helping at night, I’d say I’ve just fed her, she is a healthy 4mo who doesn’t need to feed again for 2.5 hours so do not wake me before 3am. I need a couple of hours to pass out.

You need separate bedrooms - not compatible sleep-wise - separate rooms will avoid that impacting the rest of your relationship

This resonates with me- DH currently in bed, but I refuse to go early, I'd just lie there awake. I'm sure DH would prefer me to go to bed at same time as him, but tough! And he knows better than to say anything! I do try to come in quietly, change in the bathroom etc.
But I'm a grown up, and no-one is going to tell me what time to go to bed! Sometimes he tries to give me the "what on earth time did you come to bed last night?" but I won't engage.
There does need to be some tolerance in relationships. I'd prefer he stay up and spend some time with me, but I don't huff about it. I'm sure there are things your DP does that irritate you (oh god, the frying pan in the sink full of greasy water...) but sometimes you have to let things go..

We both got watches that vibrate for an alarm rather than make a noise so that we don't wake the other one up.