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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for getting annoyed at DP's foul mood?

95 replies

MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 03:05

My DP needs his 8 hours sleep so he will go to bed between 9 or 10, and expect me to follow suit. He also had this tendency to fall asleep within 3 minutes so if I'm 15 min late and make a bit of a noise (I am a bit clumsy) he will wake up and go off at me for waking him up. It really bothers me because I see no need for a foul mood and I can't help it when I trip.

Last night I went to bed just ahead of him at 10 PM and brought my laptop to book my work hours as we need to book them before midnight the next day and I had forgotten before and didn't want to sit downstairs in the cold. It only takes a few minutes. I know he doesn't like it when I work in bed and I haven't done it for the last 5 years except for 5 min tasks maybe max. once a month but I thought I'd be done before he got in. So he was very quick in the bathroom and came to bed and immediately complained about my laptop, being in a horrible mood, before I could even tell him I just needed a couple of minutes. As I hate being angrily spoken to for literally nothing, we had an argument that lasted for the whole of my work task (literally 2 min) and much longer.

He excused his foul mood by "being angry at himself for not going to bed earlier" and "being in a constant state of annoyance at me" for some other shortcomings but didn't really ease off. I find that really unfair as it has nothing to do with the issue at hand which is that he got angry at me for nothing. And I just hate his foul mood which pops up so many times and so unexpectedly.

AIBU for getting upset at his foul mood?

OP posts:
CuriousPorg · 31/08/2023 18:18

You'll be on your knees with the baby. At 40 myself I can't imagine going back to the newborn hourly wakes for months on end. If your baby is anything like mine then you'll be so tired you won't be able to speak properly. Having to put up with his strops because he didn't get a full 8 hours would probably have me planning a new patio.

Littlechickenleg · 31/08/2023 18:20

Massive red flags for me! I've been in a relationship with someone like this and it was only once I'd left that I realised just how controlling he was. I appreciate you are pregnant but how much worse is it going to be with a newborn waking him?

Motnight · 31/08/2023 18:23

Am I reading this correctly Op, that you are having a baby with a man who doesn't want one?

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/08/2023 18:28

No way on God's green earth would I be told what time to go to bed by anyone.

You could possibly have worked in a different room I guess. But if it was a couple of minutes once in a blue moon he could have let it go: he sounds like a controlling bellend.

Original poster
MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 18:38

Littlechickenleg · 31/08/2023 18:20

Massive red flags for me! I've been in a relationship with someone like this and it was only once I'd left that I realised just how controlling he was. I appreciate you are pregnant but how much worse is it going to be with a newborn waking him?

We share most decisions and are both pretty independent, just bedtime seems to be a deal breaker for him ...

OP posts:
Original poster
MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 18:45

CuriousPorg · 31/08/2023 18:18

You'll be on your knees with the baby. At 40 myself I can't imagine going back to the newborn hourly wakes for months on end. If your baby is anything like mine then you'll be so tired you won't be able to speak properly. Having to put up with his strops because he didn't get a full 8 hours would probably have me planning a new patio.

I don't know, I know lots of babies who slept through the night pretty quickly, including me.
I'm not saying that I'm expecting this, but I'm just saying that there's no point in worrying about the baby not sleeping well when we don't know how it'll turn out.
I've worked extremely hard and long hours academically and professionally for the past 25 years so I'm looking forward to just focusing on home and family. I get 14 months off on full pay so this will be a huge help and if I'm not working and he is why would he have to get up. He also gets 4 months off on full pay so then we can trial this without being forced to go to work the next day.
Of course he will help as well (just not at night) and I have my family not too far away. We have a dog too (which I wanted more than he did), and we share responsibilities for it, which works really well.

OP posts:
Original poster
MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 18:47

tiutinkerbell · 31/08/2023 10:00

Just get him so proper earplugs and off you go. My partner and I go to bed and get up at different times everyday due to work schedules & with our earplugs it doesn't bother us at all. He doesn't hear me come to bed and I don't hear him when he gets up.

May I ask how you hear your alarms?

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 31/08/2023 18:50

God I couldn't be will a man like this.

Dillydollydingdong · 31/08/2023 18:51

I wouldn't have the patience for that. LTB.

FloweryWowery · 31/08/2023 18:58

What the actual fuck am i reading. He goes to bed when he likes and expects you to come to bed at the same time?? And you're having a baby? Babies don't care that your DP is a control freak and unable to function as an adult.

TheSecretHistoryOfGoldfinchTartt · 31/08/2023 19:00

We have Apple Watches which have haptic alarms. The watch vibrates and wakes the wearer up. No noise.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/08/2023 19:01

Oh crikey op,buckle up tight. I'm afraid you've made several terrible choices. I feel very sorry for you in advance. That's all no help, but maybe think of it as forewarned is forarmed. I would be doing whatever you can now to prepare for what I'm afraid is going to be a fuck up. Save as much as you can. Get your ducks in a row. Make sure you are ready to go it alone when the time comes.

tammie49 · 31/08/2023 19:05

Bloody hell. Don't have kids with him if he's that precious about sleep.

Becgoz7 · 31/08/2023 19:07

I would have separate rooms for sleeping

JoBoJoBo · 31/08/2023 19:07

He sounds controlling.God 8.30 is like a child's bedtime.Hiw does he manage to stay awake on a night out ?

Z1hun · 31/08/2023 19:08

Sounds like he's manipulating and controlling you based on his mood. I definitely wouldn't be tolerating it. He needs to grow and deal with it.

2jacqi · 31/08/2023 19:09

I take it there are no kids in the house? god help you if you ever have any because he is not going to tolerate a baby screaming at all hours of the nights! where did you meet? I dont think it would ever be a club because he sounds like the most anti-social person ever on the planet!!

amylou8 · 31/08/2023 19:19

I can sympathise with him to a degree. Im a lark, but if I get woken up once I've dropped off to sleep getting back to sleep is impossible. I'll eventually drop back off in the early hours and still wake up at 5am sharp. Consequently I feel like shit the whole day. I don't choose to be like this, I'm autistic which probably has some bearing. I'd get quite anxious if I'd gone to bed and knew someone would be moving around the room at some point and wake me up. This anxiety, despite my best attempts not to, would probably manifest as being a moody controlling cow. If you have the option to sleep separately id do it for both your sanity.

Original poster
MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 19:25

amylou8 · 31/08/2023 19:19

I can sympathise with him to a degree. Im a lark, but if I get woken up once I've dropped off to sleep getting back to sleep is impossible. I'll eventually drop back off in the early hours and still wake up at 5am sharp. Consequently I feel like shit the whole day. I don't choose to be like this, I'm autistic which probably has some bearing. I'd get quite anxious if I'd gone to bed and knew someone would be moving around the room at some point and wake me up. This anxiety, despite my best attempts not to, would probably manifest as being a moody controlling cow. If you have the option to sleep separately id do it for both your sanity.

Thanks for explaining how you feel. That makes a lot of sense and I think I understand now how he gets so agitated (I just didn't get it before). I suspect him to be on the spectrum too. It'll definitely be separate rooms from now on and when the baby comes also separate rooms and earplugs for him.

OP posts:
Janey331 · 31/08/2023 19:41

LadyBitsnBobs · 31/08/2023 06:19

He is bonkers. Do you cook meals for him? Try serving them up at random times and insist he eats them instantly. See if he likes the same treatment.

Love it 😆! Maybe mix the two and serve him a spaghetti bolognese at 2 a.m. in bed!

Paq · 31/08/2023 19:43

You will be divorced within 5 years. I will put money on it.

Tina8800 · 31/08/2023 19:58

Yes, some babies sleep through (mine included) but not every single night. Sleep regression, teething, illness- it's not like once they sleep through it will be easy. Even now she's 19 months old and sleeps through, we don't get 8 hours of sleep - you still have to clean, cook, watch something etc.

If your partner can't handle less than 8 hours, how he is going to parent a newborn? Waking every two hours, washing, sanitising, maybe even expressing. We were lucky if we got 4 hours of sleep in 24 hours.

Original poster
MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 20:02

arethereanyleftatall · 31/08/2023 19:01

Oh crikey op,buckle up tight. I'm afraid you've made several terrible choices. I feel very sorry for you in advance. That's all no help, but maybe think of it as forewarned is forarmed. I would be doing whatever you can now to prepare for what I'm afraid is going to be a fuck up. Save as much as you can. Get your ducks in a row. Make sure you are ready to go it alone when the time comes.

It's a bit preposterous evaluating my life choices based on one snippet of my life I've told online. There's no reason why I wouldn't have a child. I am well equipped to look after a child and I earn a good wage. Childcare in my country is heavily subsidized. DP and I equally share household chores, I have my own flat in my parents house should I ever need to move out our spend extended time away which I'm not expecting, and to be honest, if I wasn't in a relationship I would have a baby by myself at this point in my life.

I have no problem doing night duty myself and in fact if you're breastfeeding you would do it anyway. Even if he had good sleep I would still insist on doing it myself as I won't be working.

OP posts:
Paq · 31/08/2023 20:05

You speak as someone who is completely ignorant as to the realities of caring for a baby. Nevertheless I wish you every success and happiness.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/08/2023 20:06

That's all good news op. Good luck.