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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for getting annoyed at DP's foul mood?

95 replies

MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 03:05

My DP needs his 8 hours sleep so he will go to bed between 9 or 10, and expect me to follow suit. He also had this tendency to fall asleep within 3 minutes so if I'm 15 min late and make a bit of a noise (I am a bit clumsy) he will wake up and go off at me for waking him up. It really bothers me because I see no need for a foul mood and I can't help it when I trip.

Last night I went to bed just ahead of him at 10 PM and brought my laptop to book my work hours as we need to book them before midnight the next day and I had forgotten before and didn't want to sit downstairs in the cold. It only takes a few minutes. I know he doesn't like it when I work in bed and I haven't done it for the last 5 years except for 5 min tasks maybe max. once a month but I thought I'd be done before he got in. So he was very quick in the bathroom and came to bed and immediately complained about my laptop, being in a horrible mood, before I could even tell him I just needed a couple of minutes. As I hate being angrily spoken to for literally nothing, we had an argument that lasted for the whole of my work task (literally 2 min) and much longer.

He excused his foul mood by "being angry at himself for not going to bed earlier" and "being in a constant state of annoyance at me" for some other shortcomings but didn't really ease off. I find that really unfair as it has nothing to do with the issue at hand which is that he got angry at me for nothing. And I just hate his foul mood which pops up so many times and so unexpectedly.

AIBU for getting upset at his foul mood?

OP posts:
Paq · 31/08/2023 07:40

That is an exhausting way to live. He sounds incredibly precious. You absolutely need to sleep separately.

How is he to live with otherwise?

Lonicerax · 31/08/2023 07:45

Can you have separate rooms?
or at least separate beds.
He is behaving like a brat and until you respond firmly and unsympathetically this will go on.

Lonicerax · 31/08/2023 07:48

I was an insomniac for years but put up with DH’s noise etc
as I thought I was the unreasonable one, that I was at fault.

I was a fool

Original poster
MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 08:47

We do have the option to sleep separately so I think we'll do that again. We slept separately for a few weeks when I was in my 6th - 10th week and was suffering from terrible insomnia (I'm now 14 weeks and better). When the baby comes I will sleep with it as I get 14 months off work at almost full pay so there's no need to keep both of us awake we thought.
But I feel quite lonely sleeping on my own and in the winter it gets really cold overnight and it's a lot warmer when we are two in the room.

Btw, we are renovating our old house at the moment so we pay tons for gas heating and try to minimize it as much as possible hence why it's cold at night.

OP posts:
Original poster
MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 08:54

cutercards · 31/08/2023 07:37

My friend's husband has this whole '8 hours of sleep or I'll hold everyone hostage with my bad mood' approach to life. He stomps around in a foul mood until he has a nap. 🙄

Yes, I get that some people need routine and a set amount of hours but they're also responsible for regulating their own mood and behaviour if for whatever reason they don't get a full night's sleep. After all, I doubt he goes to work and starts raging at his boss because he 'didn't get enough sleep'.

There's a middle ground to be found here. As others have said, try and do your bedtime prep before going to bed so that you can just quietly get into bed. But likewise if he's accidentally disturbed then he needs to wind his neck in and stop being a grump. The more agitated he gets, the more likely it is that he will stay awake.

Also, go to bed when you're ready to go to bed! 😊

Though undiagnosed, I suspect him to be somewhat on the Asperger scale yet high functioning as he has unregulated moods which often way out of proportion, hypersensitivity to smells, sounds and touch, hyperfocus, and find social situations and contact extremely stressful. He's always been like that I think, from child onwards, but he is from rural England and in the 80s that wasn't a "thing". So he was just labelled as difficult and had to learn to adjust.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 31/08/2023 09:05

Too worked up to sleep because you woke him up? I don’t see why his emotional immaturity is your problem here, tell
him to get the fuck over it and stop making his lack of coping your problem. I go to bed at midnight and we variously get up all night for the 18mo, since babies don’t know you’ve gone back to work and they should sleep through, and we both work so if he left me to do all the nights it would be the fastest divorce in history.
but you probably won’t do that (please think seriously about why you put up with being his punchbag here though) so how about this -sit him down and say you’re really really worried. What if you’re sick, there is no way he can look after your baby, it will wake him at night repeatedly and then he will be in an utter rage at the baby and you will not accept him shouting at your baby so you need a third option as he simply cannot care for your baby, you won’t let a baby go through what he puts you through when you make a sound, you will talk to your friends and family but you don’t know what to do and are really upset thinking about this.
he will realise he will look like an utter shit if you are sitting there telling your friends he’s going to shout at the baby if you get sick. See what he says.

BestZebbie · 31/08/2023 09:10

Have you talked to him about how this is going to look when the baby comes? Because it is pretty unrealistic for a light sleeper who goes to bed at 9.30pm to be having an 8-hour uninterrupted sleep without hearing a sound if there is a newborn in the house! And it will not be acceptable for him to be grumpy and take it out on you for several years while you are also losing sleep and need his support.

Also, if he is autistic, not only might that be related to having trouble sleeping himself (Sleep and autism) but it will increase your chance of having an autistic baby together, who might then also struggle to get to sleep and stay asleep during the night - for many years, not just until they are a toddler. He may need to start thinking of some new strategies now so he can try them out before everything else changes at once...

Sleep and autism

In these guides, we look at some reasons why some autistic people may struggle with sleep and some ways to address this.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/physical-health/sleep

Brefugee · 31/08/2023 09:20

i'm the earlier one in this scenario. I'm fine with DP coming in later, and i accept that sometimes there may be a bit of noise. (i leave his bedside lamp on)

But he did use to come in noisily chuck his change on the bedside table, open and close drawers and so on. So i told him that if it didn't cease forthwith, it would have to be separate rooms (for contrast: I get up first, i put all the things i need for the next day in the bathroom and only get up and leave the room in silence. It is extremely rare - maybe once a year - that i wake him up)

He prefers a shared room - so he's as silent as a cat. And comes to bed hours after me sometimes (I sometimes ask, i sometimes need the loo and he's still in the living room)

Original poster
MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 09:46

Codlingmoths · 31/08/2023 09:05

Too worked up to sleep because you woke him up? I don’t see why his emotional immaturity is your problem here, tell
him to get the fuck over it and stop making his lack of coping your problem. I go to bed at midnight and we variously get up all night for the 18mo, since babies don’t know you’ve gone back to work and they should sleep through, and we both work so if he left me to do all the nights it would be the fastest divorce in history.
but you probably won’t do that (please think seriously about why you put up with being his punchbag here though) so how about this -sit him down and say you’re really really worried. What if you’re sick, there is no way he can look after your baby, it will wake him at night repeatedly and then he will be in an utter rage at the baby and you will not accept him shouting at your baby so you need a third option as he simply cannot care for your baby, you won’t let a baby go through what he puts you through when you make a sound, you will talk to your friends and family but you don’t know what to do and are really upset thinking about this.
he will realise he will look like an utter shit if you are sitting there telling your friends he’s going to shout at the baby if you get sick. See what he says.

He knows it but he just can't help himself to cope with his emotions I think. We've talked about it a lot but he keeps putting it down to

Autism doesn't run in his family at all (or in mine), so while I know the risk is there, I think it's not quite as straightforward and environmental factors came into play here. On the other hand, I'm definitely also neurodiverse and think I might have missed ADHD as I have always displayed the most striking traits (https://www.verywellmind.com/add-symptoms-in-women-20394) but only found out recently about the female symptoms. So I understand I can annoy him at times with my scattiness. Unfortunately he thinks mental health "labels" are just excuses so that makes this discussion a lot more difficult.
So all in all, I am accommodating because I think there's more behind it, but also it really gets me down when I get shouted at for the tiniest things.

Why Many Women With ADHD Remain Undiagnosed

Many women with ADHD remain undiagnosed until adulthood. Learn about the symptoms of ADHD in women, why they are misdiagnosed, and the treatments that can help.

https://www.verywellmind.com/add-symptoms-in-women-20394#:~:text=Women%20with%20ADHD%20face%20the,tasks%20may%20seem%20impossibly%20huge.

OP posts:
tiutinkerbell · 31/08/2023 10:00

Just get him so proper earplugs and off you go. My partner and I go to bed and get up at different times everyday due to work schedules & with our earplugs it doesn't bother us at all. He doesn't hear me come to bed and I don't hear him when he gets up.

Iateallthechocolate · 31/08/2023 10:29

Could you return him as not fit for purpose and get a better one?

SunRainStorm · 31/08/2023 10:47

'Can't help himself to cope with his emotions.'

My God, the excuses we make for men.

Is he three? That's literally something I say about my three year old.

He needs to grow the fuck up and develop some VERY basic resilience. He should be doing this work himself in therapy, not bothering you with it.

What's he going to be like as a parent? He will not cope, you will be legitimately sleep deprived, caring 24/7 for a newborn while a grown adult is stomping around like a toddler because he didn't get his perfect 8 hours.

It's not OK, OP. Get angry with him.

Shoxfordian · 31/08/2023 10:57

He’s going to be snappy and difficult with your child as well; not the best option to have a baby with tbh

SunRainStorm · 31/08/2023 11:01

How does it feel to live with someone who is in a 'constant state of annoyance' with you?

Honestly that just sounds like emotional abuse to me.

Are you picked at and criticised constantly? Or does he sulk and stomp to show his displeasure with you?

Neurodivergence is not an excuse for being a prick. Don't give him a pass. He needs to do better, and even if you don't value yourself enough to expect better you need to insist on it now for the sake of your child.

Serenity45 · 31/08/2023 11:08

SunRainStorm · 31/08/2023 11:01

How does it feel to live with someone who is in a 'constant state of annoyance' with you?

Honestly that just sounds like emotional abuse to me.

Are you picked at and criticised constantly? Or does he sulk and stomp to show his displeasure with you?

Neurodivergence is not an excuse for being a prick. Don't give him a pass. He needs to do better, and even if you don't value yourself enough to expect better you need to insist on it now for the sake of your child.

Basically this ^^ with bells on. My DH is ND and is an early nighter, while I'm a night owl. We mainly sleep separately now for other reasons (my snoring and menopausal night sweats!). Like fuck would he have taken his mood out on me if I accidentally woke him and he's a terrible sleeper.

Honestly OP find your anger and stop minimising and making excuses for him being a prick.

Original poster
MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 11:54

I mean, I was really angry with him, we had a long argument because I basically said exactly that (thanks for confirming my opinion btw) ... He won't say anything but then regularly expose at tiny things. I often forget things and leave them out etc. and I get it's annoying but I still don't understand the level of emotion that comes with it.
Separation is not really a possibility right now as we have just bought and are renovating a house together and a child on the way. Maybe not the best choice in hindsight but I'm 40 so it's not like I felt I had time to go looking for someone else to have a family with.
Maybe we should just sleep separately from now on.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 31/08/2023 13:02

I hope you have other supportive people in your life OP because it sounds like you can't expect much from him.

SlippinJanie · 31/08/2023 13:10

Sounds like you'll be doing all the work with the baby.

truthhurts23 · 31/08/2023 13:17

was he like this before you got pregnant? Please go and sleep in a seperate room so you can have some peace from him, you are pregnant he shoudn't be stressing you out or causing arguments its not good for the baby

SunRainStorm · 31/08/2023 13:39

SlippinJanie · 31/08/2023 13:10

Sounds like you'll be doing all the work with the baby.

No doubt at all.

Paq · 31/08/2023 14:37

Bloody hell. Wait until the baby arrives. He'll melt down.

Original poster
MmeSimone · 31/08/2023 14:52

SunRainStorm · 31/08/2023 13:39

No doubt at all.

Show quote history

I'm definitely planning on doing most of the work, he was not keen on a child (he used to say it's not the right time and I agreed but then when I was about 38 said he categorically doesn't want them), but that's fine, I'm prepared for that.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 31/08/2023 17:37

Oh dear op. This is only going to get worse with a baby.

Paq · 31/08/2023 18:09

No one can possibly be "prepared" to have a baby with a man like this.

Please tell me you are financially independent?

Comtesse · 31/08/2023 18:14

Oh love. His head is going to fall off when the baby arrives. Huffing and puffing when someone wakes him at 9.30pm? What an unreasonable arse.