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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DD to understand that unfortunately we can’t take everything

117 replies

Runningthroughthecountryside · 30/08/2023 20:55

Aibu to expect DD to understand that we can’t take everything with (on the plane) us and that some of them will have to go in the container? I’ve got a very upset DD because we are moving to Australia and I’ve told DD that unfortunately all of her soft toys can’t come on the plane/suitcase and some will have to go in the container. She wants them all to either go in the suitcase or hand luggage but I’ve told her there’s too many for them all to go on the plane with us and some will have to go in the container. She’s extremely upset but I’m not sure what I can do as there’s too many to take on the plane and in the suitcase so some will need to go in the container unfortunately. DD has spent most of the day upset over it, I am sympathetic as I know she loves her soft toys but as there’s so many of them some will have to go in the container unfortunately.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 30/08/2023 23:44

Is neuroDiversity involved? I couldn't move an hour up the road when my eldest was young.

TizerorFizz · 30/08/2023 23:50

At 9 my DDs would have thought I was bonkers if I had mentioned their toys having feelings. They were just way beyond that sort of conversation and would told me they were not 3. So just explain logistics and talk to her a human being with feelings. Not as a 3 year old. I agree though, it’s about moving and leaving real friends behind. Not toys.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 30/08/2023 23:58

Have you thought about putting some in a container?

TiredCatLady · 30/08/2023 23:58

9 is on the older side to be worried about cuddly toys. The worry is about the move because that’s quite an upheaval for a 9 year old who is otherwise entering their penultimate primary year.

Is DD an only child? Has your DD been to Australia before? Have you? Have you family there or is this emigration for a job etc? Have you been doing a lot of clearing of the house/getting rid of things ahead of said move and she fears her toys are going that way? The fear of the great unknown etc can be extreme.

Titchyfeep · 30/08/2023 23:58

She is 9 so old enough to understand. It’s not like they will be gone forever. Just keep telling her they need to go in the container. You managed to tell us lot 5 times easily.

SunWorshipping · 31/08/2023 00:06

Gosh she must be very immature for 9 if she can't grasp not everything will fit in a case. Do you normally pander to her or something? A simple "then won't fit, pick one to take on the plane" will do.

AdobeWanKenobi · 31/08/2023 00:09

SunWorshipping · 31/08/2023 00:06

Gosh she must be very immature for 9 if she can't grasp not everything will fit in a case. Do you normally pander to her or something? A simple "then won't fit, pick one to take on the plane" will do.

Gosh. You must be incredibly heartless as an adult if you can’t grasp that a 9 year old moving to the other side of the world away from all her friends and family might be troubling her.
Are you normally this lacking in empathy?

ReleasetheCrackHen · 31/08/2023 00:09

(A PP also mentioned sticking snacks in for them - as others have pointed out do not put food in! But perhaps she could put some packs of biscuits etc in then before you seal the boxes up (when she’s not around), take them out and empty/eat them and put the empty and rinsed out packets in so when they do arrive in Australia she’ll have the ‘magic’ Of them having eaten their snacks on the way!

NO NO NO! Do not do this either. Even empty, rinsed food packets will attract vermin. Larger vermin like to nibble, chew, piss and shit on cuddly toys. Smaller vermin like to live inside cuddly toys. Just don’t. Very bad idea.

SunWorshipping · 31/08/2023 00:11

Namechangedforthis2244 · 30/08/2023 21:00

I expect that the upset is at the upheaval of moving, leaving friends and what she knows, new house, new life etc and that it’s just coming out about the toys.

I think I’d ask “are the toys feeling a bit worried about the move to Australia “ and see what she says.

She's 9 not 2, actually I wouldn't even talk to my 2 year old via his soft toys, I'd just speak to him like a normal person! My 7 year old daughter would think I'd lost the plot if I asked her if her toys were worried I'd get, "well they are toys and aren't real, so no thetly aren't worried, are you feeling ok though?" 😆.

Testina · 31/08/2023 00:14

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 30/08/2023 21:19

Also tell her that let’s go in the same place and there are also people making sure everyone’s pets and personal items are kept safe.

I hope people’s pets aren’t going the same way! It’s a container, not the hold!

She’s 9 and moving to the other side of the world. I’d first talk about her feelings (great idea above to ask if the cuddlies are worried). I’d also just pay for another large hold suitcase and vacuum pack the toys. Hell, I’d pay for 2 more suitcases - she’s 9, and emigrating!

SemperIdem · 31/08/2023 00:15

SunWorshipping · 31/08/2023 00:06

Gosh she must be very immature for 9 if she can't grasp not everything will fit in a case. Do you normally pander to her or something? A simple "then won't fit, pick one to take on the plane" will do.

She’s 9 not 35. Moving to the other side of the world, at the behest of your parents, is quite a big deal.

It is entirely normal for children to cling to comfort things during times of upheaval.

Also 9 is still very young, sad that your children didn’t still enjoy toys at that age, perhaps they could have spent less time glued to screens.

AdobeWanKenobi · 31/08/2023 00:17

SemperIdem · 31/08/2023 00:15

She’s 9 not 35. Moving to the other side of the world, at the behest of your parents, is quite a big deal.

It is entirely normal for children to cling to comfort things during times of upheaval.

Also 9 is still very young, sad that your children didn’t still enjoy toys at that age, perhaps they could have spent less time glued to screens.

Show quote history

I think that poster is either spectacularly clueless or on the wind up. I suspect the latter.

SemperIdem · 31/08/2023 00:19

AdobeWanKenobi · 31/08/2023 00:17

I think that poster is either spectacularly clueless or on the wind up. I suspect the latter.

Show quote history

I was neither on the wind up nor clueless.

SunWorshipping · 31/08/2023 00:26

SemperIdem · 31/08/2023 00:15

She’s 9 not 35. Moving to the other side of the world, at the behest of your parents, is quite a big deal.

It is entirely normal for children to cling to comfort things during times of upheaval.

Also 9 is still very young, sad that your children didn’t still enjoy toys at that age, perhaps they could have spent less time glued to screens.

Show quote history

My kids are 7, 5 and 2, I assure you our house is packed with toys and books for that matter, they have wonderful imaginations and enjoy their pretend play but they also realise that stuffed toys are not actual living things! Not sure what screens have to do with anything, ours are more into books, they're ploughing their way through harry Potter at the moment, they know that is fiction too!

ReleasetheCrackHen · 31/08/2023 00:26

Sashimito · 30/08/2023 23:21

I would have been so upset in the same situation. My teddies were like my family to me. I often got out of bed and slept on the floor so they could have more space.

I maybe would have been OK if I was allowed to pack them in a way that I know they would be comfortable and if there was a story of them going on an adventure.

For those you mentioned the autism link, I've never heard this, but surprise surprise, was diagnosed as an adult. @ReleasetheCrackHen - can you elaborate on this being a flag for autism?

From what I understand, teddies/stuffed toys and such are comfort toys for young children as well as for play. So they cuddle them when overwhelmed or anxious. If the child is autistic, these toys will continue to give them that comfort to a much older age than a NT child. So they’ll be going on ten and carrying a favourite toy with them when they go out or on a bus. That’s because it’s not just psychological comfort but the toys also act as sensory devices to calm and ground an autistic child when in stressful environments.

A ND child will also tend to have a incredibly large collection of them, name them, give them personalities, view them as family, and find it very distressing to even think about giving one away or losing one (even if they have literally hundreds) well beyond the usual age for a NT child.

My DD is about to go to Uni and she’s drawing up a rotation spreadsheet so her cuddly toys can take turns visiting & staying with her at Uni. Seriously. And she has expressed concerns about certain ones of high sentimental value (by name like Wilf, or Lumpy) being stolen if someone were to break into her room while she were at a lecture … I’m seriously considering suggesting sewing Air Tags in these ones to ease her mind. As in “chipping” them like a pet cat. She’s an adult and can part with some these days as gifts to other children. She sees it as giving them up for adoption though….she could never ever bin one.

AdobeWanKenobi · 31/08/2023 00:30

SemperIdem · 31/08/2023 00:19

I was neither on the wind up nor clueless.

Show quote history

I was referring to the poster you quoted. Not you.

SemperIdem · 31/08/2023 00:33

SunWorshipping · 31/08/2023 00:26

My kids are 7, 5 and 2, I assure you our house is packed with toys and books for that matter, they have wonderful imaginations and enjoy their pretend play but they also realise that stuffed toys are not actual living things! Not sure what screens have to do with anything, ours are more into books, they're ploughing their way through harry Potter at the moment, they know that is fiction too!

Show quote history

Wonderful.

Are they moving to the other side of the world, away from their friends and family? No.

It is well documented that children regress during times of stress and upheaval. I would imagine the op’s daughter feels quite stressed.

CandyLeBonBon · 31/08/2023 00:34

@SunWorshipping - fab. Your kids sound great.

I guess, as an intelligent parent of three fab kids, that it's it also possible to recognise that not all kids see or react to things the ways yours do?

SemperIdem · 31/08/2023 00:34

AdobeWanKenobi · 31/08/2023 00:30

I was referring to the poster you quoted. Not you.

Show quote history

@AdobeWanKenobi fair enough, apologies

Pleaseme · 31/08/2023 00:38

Have you tried vacumn packing the teddies. Honestly they take up hardly an room with the air out. DD got a tedy for her birthday and it came vacumn packed as an A4 size 4 inches thick. It's absolutely huge now though 140cm and wide!

MumblesParty · 31/08/2023 00:40

scrantonelectriccity · 30/08/2023 21:32

Will some have to go in the container?

I was about to ask the same question

RoomOfRequirement · 31/08/2023 00:43

Is this written by a regular human or one of those weird bots? Surely a human wouldn't say the container 672 times in this post

PomPomtheGreat · 31/08/2023 00:51

Runningthroughthecountryside · 30/08/2023 20:55

Aibu to expect DD to understand that we can’t take everything with (on the plane) us and that some of them will have to go in the container? I’ve got a very upset DD because we are moving to Australia and I’ve told DD that unfortunately all of her soft toys can’t come on the plane/suitcase and some will have to go in the container. She wants them all to either go in the suitcase or hand luggage but I’ve told her there’s too many for them all to go on the plane with us and some will have to go in the container. She’s extremely upset but I’m not sure what I can do as there’s too many to take on the plane and in the suitcase so some will need to go in the container unfortunately. DD has spent most of the day upset over it, I am sympathetic as I know she loves her soft toys but as there’s so many of them some will have to go in the container unfortunately.

We had exactly the same thing when we moved from Europe to Australia. My daughter was also nine and also hugely attached to her soft toys. She brought the two most important ones in her suitcase. The rest went in a box together with one of her favourite pieces of bedding to make them "comfortable."

I told her lots of stories about the fun they would have sailing across the world and the places they would see. While we were waiting the six weeks for them to arrive, they sent handwritten notes telling her where they had got to and what they had been up to. It made the whole process enjoyable for her instead of a stress.

It's a tough time for everyone, and you're probably feeling the stress about her upset more than you would usually do because you are also facing such a huge upheaval.

We've moved over forty times during our marriage, several times to new countries and six times across the world. So, I know what a stressful time it can be for everyone.

Try to take it a day at a time - sometimes just an hour at a time! All the best in your new life. We have never once regretted moving to Australia. I hope it's the same for you.

ittakes2 · 31/08/2023 01:10

I use vacuum bags in luggage I bet you would be able to stick quite a few in her luggage if you use these to remove the air. I buy the ones from Amazon that don’t need a vacuum cleaner to suck out air you can just sit on them.
you do realise this is not just about her soft toys it’s her needing comfort due to the move

ittakes2 · 31/08/2023 01:11

I can shrink clothes to less than half in size using these bags