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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just want to have a rant about my MIL

82 replies

MULLd · 30/08/2023 17:23

First world problem, but it's been a while since I've had a rant about my MIL.

We have a bit of a history, which I think is always the case when people end up irritating us.

She irritates me, frequently.

She loves her grandchildren so much, which is very sweet. HOWEVER. She very much sees her grandchildren as an extension of her own children, rather than her grandchildren.

Constant comparisons to her kids for example and many stories and examples of how things were with her kids. From how my kids look ( compares them constantly to her other children ). ' Charlotte's feet are exactly the same as Anna's '.. to the comments on any kind of wants / needs / desires / talents. ' Charlotte plays the piano just like her auntie Anna ' ( even though I also play ). Aw, look, we have kept Charlotte's special books and now Anna can have them and use them herself. Aw this is uncle David's spoon, now Anna can use it. My husband also get annoyed by it, because the comparisons are mostly made with his siblings, rather than with him.

It's pretty much a constant thing. Nothing I ever do / try to pass on is ever acknowledged by her / her kids. But I'm constantly confronted with her heritage and how she's passing it onto my kids. Just reading this back, it sounds ridiculous. But I need to stress, that the reason it's tiring and irritating, is because it's constant. The occasional, aw David used to like playing with cars too- isn't an issue.

My family never behaves like this at all. Especially not when my in laws or my husband are around. My parents adore my kids, but it's very clear that they're not an extension of their own kids - but they're the grandkids and that's a different thing / relationship than you have with your kids.

My mother in law is quite a competitive person and I can't help but think that this is some completion for her too. I also think she knows it irritates me, so she does it more.

The two recent examples were : ' aw David is going to be a great runner just like his aunt and grandad ( not acknowledging that I'm a serious runner myself ) this isn't actually what it was about, but just an example.

My DD went to their house and every single thing she uses, we get reminded how it ' used to belong to auntie Charlotte and uncle David '. It's Halloween soon, so of course she's mentioned a million times how she needs to look in the attic to find uncle David's Halloween costumes for little Ben to wear. It's really with anything..

Anyway it sounds really strange, but it makes me feel like a stranger when I'm with them. Like I'm not even there and like nothing I do with them / activities I get them into are of any significance.

OP posts:
ToughFuss · 30/08/2023 17:28

Ha. My MIL is inclined to be like this too, not so much that my son is always an extension of her sons but also the wider family, notable examples; ‘oh he has curly hair because of my mums half sisters dad having curly hair’… I have curly hair 🤣 also ‘oh he loves horses like my dads cousins a million times removed’, while I’ve owned and ridden horses my entire life.
It used to irritate me a bit, but over time I’ve become pretty zen about it. She loves my son very much and it’s natural that she’d link him to her side of the family as she knows them best. Try to let it go over your head, your MIL is clearly very fond of your son too.

LBFseBrom · 30/08/2023 17:30

I don't suppose she means any harm and, whatever you say, I doubt your family are perfect but you are so used to them, you hardly notice.

If there is something that particularly irritates you, say so and explain, she will soon stop.

Nobody is perfect.

Original poster
MULLd · 30/08/2023 17:33

LBFseBrom · 30/08/2023 17:30

I don't suppose she means any harm and, whatever you say, I doubt your family are perfect but you are so used to them, you hardly notice.

If there is something that particularly irritates you, say so and explain, she will soon stop.

Nobody is perfect.

You can't say this. It seems really childish.

My family aren't perfect at all and my husband and I find them annoying in other ways.

My husband finds his mum extremely annoying. Especially because she very rarely even compares the kids to him 🤣🤣

Always his brother and sister who aren't married yet and don't have kids yet. Their relationship with the in laws is very different because of this. We look forward to when they marry and have kids 😀

OP posts:
Original poster
MULLd · 30/08/2023 17:34

@LBFseBrom what I mean by ' you can't say this ' I meant I can't say to my MIL that it annoys me that she's always doing the things I describe in my post. It just sounds silly.

OP posts:
PrinceHaz · 30/08/2023 17:35

People can be weird. I think all you can do is reduce contact a bit to relieve the stress of hearing her. Be busy when she’s seeing your dh and the children.

RhymesWithTangerine · 30/08/2023 17:36

Would it be better to let it go?

What you’ve described is so low key, and natural, that is just can’t be worth getting steamed up?

So she doesn’t notice you have curly hair. Weird , but you can live with that.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 30/08/2023 17:37

Could you say that you think DS is like his actual dad? Or that DD is like her actual dad? I'd be tempted to challenge whenever I could if she says they are like their uncle or aunt and instead refer to their dad EVERY TIME. You can't be accused of family jealousy that way!

Original poster
MULLd · 30/08/2023 17:38

RhymesWithTangerine · 30/08/2023 17:36

Would it be better to let it go?

What you’ve described is so low key, and natural, that is just can’t be worth getting steamed up?

So she doesn’t notice you have curly hair. Weird , but you can live with that.

I do let it go. But I think it's deeper than just not noticing I have curly hair. It's deliberate.

OP posts:
Jamtartforme · 30/08/2023 17:38

Oh mines the same. My kids are ‘all her side’ apparently even though they look just like me. DD is a ‘daddy’s girl through and through’ and baby DS ‘will be daddy’s little buddy’. Like you it doesn’t sound like much but it’s endless. Like she needs to prove my kids don’t need me, just her and their side of the family, and that they’re so much more bonded in looks and personality. My family just laugh, she’s crackers

Noodledoodledoo · 30/08/2023 17:38

Mine used to do the same, and I completely get the irritation.

We didn't see them often but anything DH told her about them, got the response of will Aunty XXXXX used to do that it must have come from her - this Aunty has seen my children no more than 10 times in their lives (now 8/7).

All I can say is counteract the comments, with oh my sister did xxxx or similar, or just learn to let it flow over you.

BirdIsland · 30/08/2023 17:40

I think it's annoying because it comes across as an ownership thing. She's trying to reinforce the connection to her family, which diminishes your connection (and even that of your DH). It also makes it feel like your kids aren't individuals.

I think the occasional comparison is fine, and normal, but constantly it would irritate me too.

MrsElsa · 30/08/2023 17:43

If you look closer you will see the deep gnawing insecurity underlying her behaviour. From there you can start to pity her.

My mum does the same and it winds DH up massively. But, end of the day, my mum is actually just a massive twat and the behaviour is just one way in which she expresses that 😁

Peach0123 · 30/08/2023 17:43

Omg we have the same MIL 🤣

Mine is exactly the same, throw in the emotional manipulation and judgmental behavior.

Not paying any attention to how things are done now, (yes it's really nice to remember lovely times when her babies were small) but being this way means we don't trust her alone with DC, mainly due to the absolute mad shit she comes out with.

I usually try and say DC is a person of his own etc and it falls on deaf ears, makes no difference. No advice for you just sympathy in this situation.

dontforgeme · 30/08/2023 17:45

Oh god this is my sister in law. Everything is a competition when it comes to the kids. She once told me she had picked the best name in the world and how sorry she felt for me because my kids were born after and the names I chose were not as good. I see her a couple of times a year, if that, for this reason. One day I'll snap!

Original poster
MULLd · 30/08/2023 17:46

BirdIsland · 30/08/2023 17:40

I think it's annoying because it comes across as an ownership thing. She's trying to reinforce the connection to her family, which diminishes your connection (and even that of your DH). It also makes it feel like your kids aren't individuals.

I think the occasional comparison is fine, and normal, but constantly it would irritate me too.

Totally. Occasional is normal! My side of the family do it very occasionally - but the way MIL does it, it's in this ' aw look, it's like they're my kids. They're just like my kids ! Especially like my favourite two kids who still ' belong 100 percent to me' as they're not married yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
MULLd · 30/08/2023 17:46

dontforgeme · 30/08/2023 17:45

Oh god this is my sister in law. Everything is a competition when it comes to the kids. She once told me she had picked the best name in the world and how sorry she felt for me because my kids were born after and the names I chose were not as good. I see her a couple of times a year, if that, for this reason. One day I'll snap!

Oh my god. She sounds demented.

OP posts:
Gustavo1 · 30/08/2023 17:47

ToughFuss · 30/08/2023 17:28

Ha. My MIL is inclined to be like this too, not so much that my son is always an extension of her sons but also the wider family, notable examples; ‘oh he has curly hair because of my mums half sisters dad having curly hair’… I have curly hair 🤣 also ‘oh he loves horses like my dads cousins a million times removed’, while I’ve owned and ridden horses my entire life.
It used to irritate me a bit, but over time I’ve become pretty zen about it. She loves my son very much and it’s natural that she’d link him to her side of the family as she knows them best. Try to let it go over your head, your MIL is clearly very fond of your son too.

Oh I get this too. My boys have blonde, curly hair apparently taking after an uncle on their dad’s side … erm I have very blonde and very very curly hair!!!!

DeadButDelicious · 30/08/2023 17:49

My MIL sort of does this with my nephew and my husband, she even calls him by my husbands name sometimes, I'm sure it's accidental but it does raise an eyebrow as she tries so very hard to draw comparison between them when they couldn't be more different in personality/temperament etc. it weirds DH out a bit.

Mmhmmn · 30/08/2023 17:50

She sounds daft as a box of hair and really annoying. Is she struggling for other more interesting chat?

There's bound to be something big in DC that's more like someone from your side ............ especially say, your mum or dad 😇 😈

that'll get her goat 🤭

Maka21 · 30/08/2023 17:50

You could have a lot worst mil behaviour. Just don’t engage or walk away and be busy with something else when she starts up. Is she irritating in any other ways at all or just these examples?

Mmhmmn · 30/08/2023 17:51

dontforgeme · 30/08/2023 17:45

Oh god this is my sister in law. Everything is a competition when it comes to the kids. She once told me she had picked the best name in the world and how sorry she felt for me because my kids were born after and the names I chose were not as good. I see her a couple of times a year, if that, for this reason. One day I'll snap!

All you can really do is feel sorry for them having that level of stupidity and the unbearable need to compete on something, anything! Maybe she feels like that's the only thing she has that's better?!

Gustavo1 · 30/08/2023 17:52

My children are all clones of someone on MIL’s family. Every time I’ve had another baby, she arrives with the family album and flicks through comparing them to people in the family.

I try to let it wash over me but it’s frustrating. After a while, it began to feel like a way to erase me from the children. I now always say that I can’t see any likeness or similarities that she points out. I say “they’re just Ben to me” … think that driver her a bit mad so we are all square there 🤣

Shinyandnew1 · 30/08/2023 17:54

My MiL was like this to begin with-to be honest all it took was a few situations where DH would intervene and it pretty much fizzled out. For example,

MIL: oh, Billy has curly hair just like my great Aunt Enid!
DH: Mum, I think he’s more likely to have got it from his mum, don’t you?!’ with a chuckle.

Repeat with the running and piano playing and by the forth time, it might just need to be a ‘mum, are you still trying to ignore Billy’s mum completely in his genetics?!’ but obviously said in a nice way.

Winter2020 · 30/08/2023 17:56

I can relate exactly to the behaviour and the irritation but....
To look for and confirm similarities to the father, and I guess in turn his side of the family, has some evolutionary basis I believe in terms of reaffirming he is putting his resources into his child.

My MIL could be similar and it wound me up but with over a decade more maturity I can see that she was crazy over her kids and her grandkids. She had largely been a stay at home mum and her family was her life.

Where I think I misunderstood her was it was never about me, it was never meant to be a dig at me - it was only about her love for her family and I think you might be making the same mistake in your interpretation of her behaviour.

Competitive SIL's are a different kettle of fish entirely!

saraclara · 30/08/2023 17:57

MULLd · 30/08/2023 17:46

Totally. Occasional is normal! My side of the family do it very occasionally - but the way MIL does it, it's in this ' aw look, it's like they're my kids. They're just like my kids ! Especially like my favourite two kids who still ' belong 100 percent to me' as they're not married yet.

Show quote history

She didn't know you when her own kids were your kids' ages (I assume), so the natural comparison isn't there. She doesn't know whether they are just like you were as a kid.

As a grandmother, I find myself often talking to my DGCs about their mum at their age (in front of both my DDs) which might well be as annoying. But they're both girls, their mum was a girl, being with my DGDs brings back so many lovely memories and I just find myself expressing them.

To be fair, my son in law is rarely there at the time, but I'll try to shut up all the same.

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