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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just want to have a rant about my MIL

82 replies

MULLd · 30/08/2023 17:23

First world problem, but it's been a while since I've had a rant about my MIL.

We have a bit of a history, which I think is always the case when people end up irritating us.

She irritates me, frequently.

She loves her grandchildren so much, which is very sweet. HOWEVER. She very much sees her grandchildren as an extension of her own children, rather than her grandchildren.

Constant comparisons to her kids for example and many stories and examples of how things were with her kids. From how my kids look ( compares them constantly to her other children ). ' Charlotte's feet are exactly the same as Anna's '.. to the comments on any kind of wants / needs / desires / talents. ' Charlotte plays the piano just like her auntie Anna ' ( even though I also play ). Aw, look, we have kept Charlotte's special books and now Anna can have them and use them herself. Aw this is uncle David's spoon, now Anna can use it. My husband also get annoyed by it, because the comparisons are mostly made with his siblings, rather than with him.

It's pretty much a constant thing. Nothing I ever do / try to pass on is ever acknowledged by her / her kids. But I'm constantly confronted with her heritage and how she's passing it onto my kids. Just reading this back, it sounds ridiculous. But I need to stress, that the reason it's tiring and irritating, is because it's constant. The occasional, aw David used to like playing with cars too- isn't an issue.

My family never behaves like this at all. Especially not when my in laws or my husband are around. My parents adore my kids, but it's very clear that they're not an extension of their own kids - but they're the grandkids and that's a different thing / relationship than you have with your kids.

My mother in law is quite a competitive person and I can't help but think that this is some completion for her too. I also think she knows it irritates me, so she does it more.

The two recent examples were : ' aw David is going to be a great runner just like his aunt and grandad ( not acknowledging that I'm a serious runner myself ) this isn't actually what it was about, but just an example.

My DD went to their house and every single thing she uses, we get reminded how it ' used to belong to auntie Charlotte and uncle David '. It's Halloween soon, so of course she's mentioned a million times how she needs to look in the attic to find uncle David's Halloween costumes for little Ben to wear. It's really with anything..

Anyway it sounds really strange, but it makes me feel like a stranger when I'm with them. Like I'm not even there and like nothing I do with them / activities I get them into are of any significance.

OP posts:
RamblingRosieLee · 30/08/2023 17:57

We have far worse mil behaviour but also have this

It's absolutely never ending, we have been told my dd is good at school because one of her relatives was.
My dd is good at reading because she did some reading with her.

My dd ie good at physics because fil is.
Always unrelenting constantly trying to claim them.
That's how it feels to me, it's not normal at all. It's stamping themselves all over my children.

SidekickSylvia · 30/08/2023 17:58

My MIL does this. I think that she genuinely believes I am simply an irrelevant vessel that produced her son's four clones (despite two of them being girls).

She adores them though, and she lives in Italy, so it's been easy for me to find it amusing.

amispeakingintongues · 30/08/2023 18:01

Gustavo1 · 30/08/2023 17:52

My children are all clones of someone on MIL’s family. Every time I’ve had another baby, she arrives with the family album and flicks through comparing them to people in the family.

I try to let it wash over me but it’s frustrating. After a while, it began to feel like a way to erase me from the children. I now always say that I can’t see any likeness or similarities that she points out. I say “they’re just Ben to me” … think that driver her a bit mad so we are all square there 🤣

This is a great idea! I'm gonna use it. Grin

saraclara · 30/08/2023 18:02

My MIL could be similar and it wound me up but with over a decade more maturity I can see that she was crazy over her kids and her grandkids. She had largely been a stay at home mum and her family was her life.

Where I think I misunderstood her was it was never about me, it was never meant to be a dig at me - it was only about her love for her family and I think you might be making the same mistake in your interpretation of her behaviour.

Thank you for recognising that, @Winter2020 and for your self-awareness. I'd hate my son in law to think that my reminiscences are pushing him to the side. He's a great dad. And to be fair, I do keep saying how their youngest is the spit of him!

Dgrl04 · 30/08/2023 18:06

She did say she know it's irritates her so I'm sure the conversation has been had. She also said because she knows it irritates her she does it more. I know from experience that sometimes it not innocent.

Mischance · 30/08/2023 18:06

Oh have a rant! - MILs are a total pain in the arse. I should know - I am one! 😂

I think you need to separate out those things that simply irritate you (because you are you and you don't like it) and those which are objectively unacceptable and contain genuine malice.

I find it hard sometimes to bite my tongue - not because I ever ever criticise or try and foist my opinion on my AC - but because I am dying to say "Oh wow - he is so like his lovely grandpa!" (who has died) but do not know how this will go down. Luckily the AC say such things themselves so I feel I have carte blanche there!

But maybe you see what I am trying to say ....... things we say may have one meaning to the person uttering them (who might have no desire to hurt or irritate) but mean something different to the receiver.

Unless you have clear evidence that these things are said in a derogatory way - e.g. X is not half as clever as Y was - then I think you need to cut the old girl a bit of slack! 😀

TiaraBoo · 30/08/2023 18:13

Just make it into a game with DH - take it turns to say oh I think he gets it from his mum/dad and oh that’s my favourite hobby etc
My ex-MIL always liked talking about where the DC got their looks etc from, but she didn’t cut me and exDH out of the potential possibilities so it was easier just to join in and say DD looked like great granny X.

Anyway, rant away, it does sound highly annoying!

Original poster
MULLd · 30/08/2023 18:17

Oh god my MIL does such weird shit. This one is just the irritating grating stuff...

It just feels like she's always trying to exert dominance / ownership somehow. That's her personality in general.

She thinks I'm an arrogant bitch and has told me so, so we are all good. It's a loving relationship 🤣

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 30/08/2023 18:17

It sounds highly irritating but I don't think I could be arsed to give it a response. I'd just ignore it. It's spurious really.

Sparkletastic · 30/08/2023 18:23

My MIL used to pull this crap all the time. She is extremely overbearing and a charming blend of boastfulness, competitiveness and insensitivity. We are now very LC due to them conveniently moving 100s of miles away. I would occasionally briskly disagree with her but more often DH and I would just have a bloody good moan after she left.

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/08/2023 18:23

I have this too.... as well as everything being from my BIL and very occassionallyy DH

she also keeps bringing us old books and toys (think made in taiwan, peeling plastic NOT heritage toys) which belonged to my BIL!!!!! She then sits and reminisces about my bil.... 😵‍💫
My DH has no memory / attachment to any of it.

It's bizarre....
there is a lot of other low level stuff. My conclusion is she is totally oblivious / self absorbed so just doesnt notice or think about anyone else but herself.
Doesnt stop it being annoying Though 😅😅😅

Mischance · 30/08/2023 18:33

Sadly I will not be around to be a fly on the wall when all these posters become MILs themselves!! - or to read their DILs posts!!

Original poster
MULLd · 30/08/2023 18:33

Mischance · 30/08/2023 18:33

Sadly I will not be around to be a fly on the wall when all these posters become MILs themselves!! - or to read their DILs posts!!

My DIL will probably think I don't care enough or something. I suspect I'll be too distant for her 🤣

OP posts:
Marleymoo42 · 30/08/2023 18:34

Used to drive me mad but now the kids are older I genuinely find it funny.

My favourites have been: 'All your children have my mother's eyes.' DD 'mummy has blue eyes too.' MIL 'No but yours are a much deeper shade, just like your great grandmothers'.

During the first visit in hospital: 'He's so long. I can tell he's going to be tall, just like his father. He was the same as a baby.' These comments about my tall child continued until DS was referred to the peadiatricain for growth issues. The penny finally dropped when she did a school pick up and could see her tall grandson was infact one of the shortest in the class.

takealettermsjones · 30/08/2023 18:41

Ha my MIL does this! She's lovely though so thankfully I find it funny. I get how it would be annoying in a different context though!

Also my MIL looks after DD for a few hours a week and likes to tell me things about her character as though I don't know. It's hard to explain but it's (mildly) irritating!

thevegetablesoup · 30/08/2023 18:45

I get this OP. My mil is the same.

I remember when ds1 was a toddler he had bright blonde curls, he looked like a cherub. I have blonde wavy hair. My DH had black wiry hair. My MIL said that ds got his hair from dh as his used to be like that when he was younger Hmm. (It wasn't, I've seen pics).

It was as if she couldn't bear to acknowledge that my ds might have inherited this feature from me rather than from dh.

Obviously that is just a tiny and silly example, but she has would me up a lot over the years. Now I just try to smile and nod and sort of detach myself.

Thelonelygiraffe · 30/08/2023 18:47

MULLd · 30/08/2023 17:34

@LBFseBrom what I mean by ' you can't say this ' I meant I can't say to my MIL that it annoys me that she's always doing the things I describe in my post. It just sounds silly.

No, it doesn't. I'd say 'don't be silly, MIL, dd has curly hair just like mine because I'm her mum. Genetics, eh'. Or 'I find it really hurtful that you're always comparing dd to some distant relatives. Dd got half her genes from me and half from dh.'
Or just laugh at her.

Mischance · 30/08/2023 19:20

In evolutionary terms it is really quite interesting. We, like all animals, are simply here to pass on our genes. So maybe it is not surprising that one generation is programmed to spot likenesses in the next. Also there are theories that man has survived because of the presence of grandparents - "Yet as newly published studies are confirming, grandmothers may not only help perpetuate the species but also be one of the reasons why humans enjoy long lives to begin with." We are like Orca whales apparently. Food for thought.

Also on a social/emotional level, ceasing to be the lynch pin of a family and losing the bustle of family life requires some adaptation, especially for those who are widowed. It takes some getting used to and requires a fair deal of soul-searching. Your turn will come - be warned!

It is also hard to relate to family and enjoy their company when you are constantly having to run what you are saying through your mind in search of some small nugget that is well-meant but that might give offence. It is almost like feeling you have to apologise for your existence ......

Blobblobblob · 30/08/2023 19:39

Hahaha mine is like this too. Argh.

Pass the gin.

saraclara · 30/08/2023 20:31

Also on a social/emotional level, ceasing to be the lynch pin of a family and losing the bustle of family life requires some adaptation, especially for those who are widowed. It takes some getting used to and requires a fair deal of soul-searching.

Absolutely. I'm widowed and I've just come back from a family holiday with my adult kids, their partners and the grandkids. We had a wonderful time, but I had to consciously come to terms with the weirdness of not being the organiser and all the other things that I'd been in the past. I was more the hanger-on than the lynch pin, as it should be. But it does take a lot of adjustment

It is also hard to relate to family and enjoy their company when you are constantly having to run what you are saying through your mind in search of some small nugget that is well-meant but that might give offence.

...especially since I've been on mumsnet. I now over think virtually everything I say, imaging the possibility of it being perceived wrongly and ending up as an OP on here.

Patenting adults is far harder than I imagined. And my daughters are lovely!

Noicant · 30/08/2023 20:48

I have a theory on this. When it’s your DD’s child you know it’s your grandchild and also feel a link mother to daughter to grandchild also also the old belief that children are closer to their mothers family means that MIL’s may strive harder to find connections.

My generally very nice MIL has a habit of linking more desirable features to her family and less so to the other side of the family. I always say kids are a mix, because they are.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 30/08/2023 20:57

saraclara · 30/08/2023 20:31

Also on a social/emotional level, ceasing to be the lynch pin of a family and losing the bustle of family life requires some adaptation, especially for those who are widowed. It takes some getting used to and requires a fair deal of soul-searching.

Absolutely. I'm widowed and I've just come back from a family holiday with my adult kids, their partners and the grandkids. We had a wonderful time, but I had to consciously come to terms with the weirdness of not being the organiser and all the other things that I'd been in the past. I was more the hanger-on than the lynch pin, as it should be. But it does take a lot of adjustment

It is also hard to relate to family and enjoy their company when you are constantly having to run what you are saying through your mind in search of some small nugget that is well-meant but that might give offence.

...especially since I've been on mumsnet. I now over think virtually everything I say, imaging the possibility of it being perceived wrongly and ending up as an OP on here.

Patenting adults is far harder than I imagined. And my daughters are lovely!

You are spot on. So very true.

cameldigits · 30/08/2023 21:00

This is my MIL too

With their other Grandchildren, they do have a huge input into their upbringing. They really involved in everything. They look after them several times a week . Take them on holidays, buy everything they need

First bike, first toys. Everything is chosen by them and they keep it all too and then try to pass on to my kids. But we don't always want it and prefer to choose our own stuff

Is it a generational thing ?

cameldigits · 30/08/2023 21:02

So yes, it's about control and ownership in my
Opinion

MarchionessOfMayhem · 30/08/2023 21:02

I totally get it! My MIL is exactly like this and when I try to make any comparison to my family she huffs and puffs and walks out of the room. A few months ago we were watching a big event on TV and one or my (many) cousins was involved. I was pointing my cousin out on the TV to my daughter and explaining who he was etc. My MIL exploded and went on a tirade about how I 'promote' my family over 'her' family and it shouldn't be allowed and I have a 'duty' to ensure my child knows about both sides of her family (I'm a keen amateur genealogist). I pointed out that it's my job to talk to my daughter about my family and her Dad's to talk about his. This made it WORSE as apparently 'he's not interested in family history' and therefore it's my responsibility. Hmm By this point she'd made a fool of herself and ruined a happy day, I told my DH to take her home as I wasn't going to be bullied in my own house. She also likes to compare my daughter to her estranged son (yes estranged but still the golden child) - my daughter doesn't have a clue who she's talking about. It's sad really but someone pointed out to me afterwards that I should really feel sorry for her. She's evidently insecure and does not have a close loving family. Still infuriating though!

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