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Original poster

Just want to have a rant about my MIL

82 replies

MULLd · 30/08/2023 17:23

First world problem, but it's been a while since I've had a rant about my MIL.

We have a bit of a history, which I think is always the case when people end up irritating us.

She irritates me, frequently.

She loves her grandchildren so much, which is very sweet. HOWEVER. She very much sees her grandchildren as an extension of her own children, rather than her grandchildren.

Constant comparisons to her kids for example and many stories and examples of how things were with her kids. From how my kids look ( compares them constantly to her other children ). ' Charlotte's feet are exactly the same as Anna's '.. to the comments on any kind of wants / needs / desires / talents. ' Charlotte plays the piano just like her auntie Anna ' ( even though I also play ). Aw, look, we have kept Charlotte's special books and now Anna can have them and use them herself. Aw this is uncle David's spoon, now Anna can use it. My husband also get annoyed by it, because the comparisons are mostly made with his siblings, rather than with him.

It's pretty much a constant thing. Nothing I ever do / try to pass on is ever acknowledged by her / her kids. But I'm constantly confronted with her heritage and how she's passing it onto my kids. Just reading this back, it sounds ridiculous. But I need to stress, that the reason it's tiring and irritating, is because it's constant. The occasional, aw David used to like playing with cars too- isn't an issue.

My family never behaves like this at all. Especially not when my in laws or my husband are around. My parents adore my kids, but it's very clear that they're not an extension of their own kids - but they're the grandkids and that's a different thing / relationship than you have with your kids.

My mother in law is quite a competitive person and I can't help but think that this is some completion for her too. I also think she knows it irritates me, so she does it more.

The two recent examples were : ' aw David is going to be a great runner just like his aunt and grandad ( not acknowledging that I'm a serious runner myself ) this isn't actually what it was about, but just an example.

My DD went to their house and every single thing she uses, we get reminded how it ' used to belong to auntie Charlotte and uncle David '. It's Halloween soon, so of course she's mentioned a million times how she needs to look in the attic to find uncle David's Halloween costumes for little Ben to wear. It's really with anything..

Anyway it sounds really strange, but it makes me feel like a stranger when I'm with them. Like I'm not even there and like nothing I do with them / activities I get them into are of any significance.

OP posts:
Mischance · 30/08/2023 21:06

saraclara · 30/08/2023 20:31

Also on a social/emotional level, ceasing to be the lynch pin of a family and losing the bustle of family life requires some adaptation, especially for those who are widowed. It takes some getting used to and requires a fair deal of soul-searching.

Absolutely. I'm widowed and I've just come back from a family holiday with my adult kids, their partners and the grandkids. We had a wonderful time, but I had to consciously come to terms with the weirdness of not being the organiser and all the other things that I'd been in the past. I was more the hanger-on than the lynch pin, as it should be. But it does take a lot of adjustment

It is also hard to relate to family and enjoy their company when you are constantly having to run what you are saying through your mind in search of some small nugget that is well-meant but that might give offence.

...especially since I've been on mumsnet. I now over think virtually everything I say, imaging the possibility of it being perceived wrongly and ending up as an OP on here.

Patenting adults is far harder than I imagined. And my daughters are lovely!

A lady in my boat!! Glad you had a good family holiday .

cameldigits · 30/08/2023 21:07

thevegetablesoup · 30/08/2023 18:45

I get this OP. My mil is the same.

I remember when ds1 was a toddler he had bright blonde curls, he looked like a cherub. I have blonde wavy hair. My DH had black wiry hair. My MIL said that ds got his hair from dh as his used to be like that when he was younger Hmm. (It wasn't, I've seen pics).

It was as if she couldn't bear to acknowledge that my ds might have inherited this feature from me rather than from dh.

Obviously that is just a tiny and silly example, but she has would me up a lot over the years. Now I just try to smile and nod and sort of detach myself.

My child has curly hair. So do i. So does my
mother. My Grandmother too.

But MIL never stops telling me how they have inherited their Father's curls 😴

Puffykins · 30/08/2023 21:15

My MIL does exactly this too. I once gave her framed photographs of the DC (she asked for them) and she sent the one of DD back asking for one from a different angle "when she looks exactly like her Aunt E" (MIL's DD.) MIL asks me to step out of family photos, too, so there is literally no record of my existence in her house. I struggle to warm to her. (Also, she never talks to me if anyone else is there, and if I speak, she speaks over me. I am evidently a non-person.)

Natty13 · 30/08/2023 21:29

Next time your kid does something annoying, embarrassing or disgusting compare them to your MIL.

OR

"Oh she is walking by putting one foot in front of the other just like Anna!!"
You: "fourteen"
MIL: "sorry?"
You: "what's that? Oh i was just counting how many times you compare her to your family during this visit. DH and i have a bet on and if I win he has to do the dishes for a week"

ahahblueeyes · 30/08/2023 21:31

I understand completely how much this must piss you off. I feel the same.

Minime88888888 · 30/08/2023 21:37

She is trying to make you feel as you describe in your final sentence.

She's being a nasty cow because you threaten/intimidate her or something.

I'd probably start laughing at her when she says embarassing shit.

Minime88888888 · 30/08/2023 21:38

Natty13 · 30/08/2023 21:29

Next time your kid does something annoying, embarrassing or disgusting compare them to your MIL.

OR

"Oh she is walking by putting one foot in front of the other just like Anna!!"
You: "fourteen"
MIL: "sorry?"
You: "what's that? Oh i was just counting how many times you compare her to your family during this visit. DH and i have a bet on and if I win he has to do the dishes for a week"

Sorry wrong post

Minime88888888 · 30/08/2023 21:39

Puffykins · 30/08/2023 21:15

My MIL does exactly this too. I once gave her framed photographs of the DC (she asked for them) and she sent the one of DD back asking for one from a different angle "when she looks exactly like her Aunt E" (MIL's DD.) MIL asks me to step out of family photos, too, so there is literally no record of my existence in her house. I struggle to warm to her. (Also, she never talks to me if anyone else is there, and if I speak, she speaks over me. I am evidently a non-person.)

WHAT A COW.

Hooplahooping · 30/08/2023 21:47

Argh, mine is like this. DS has a giggle that is EXACTLY like like - it’s comically silly - but she always says it’s just the same as ‘uncle Geoff’ who died before my husband was born…

Every choice I make or thing the children do is a reason to make it about her experience of motherhood and what my DH or SIL were like.

it is infuriating some times to feel so erased from her narrative. But I do think it comes from a place of unprocessed / unresolved feelings. My husband and I have made a lot of parenting choices that are different to hers - she clearly has some feelings of regret about her choices (sending them away to boarding school quite young etc) and I think seeing how involved DH and I are in the minute to minute details of our children’s lives triggers a whole cascade of remembering + trying to rationalise her own stuff. Can’t imagine it’s ever going to stop unless she wants to work through it properly in therapy.

I wonder if you guys parent in a way that makes her feel insecure about her own choices?

just a thought!

TicTacNicNak · 30/08/2023 21:49

Why not put her on the spot and say "what characteristics do you think little Ben gets from his dad, or from me for that matter?"

SquirrelFeeder · 30/08/2023 21:55

Sorry what on earth is wrong with saying "Charlotte's feet are exactly the same as Anna's" or "we have kept Charlotte's special books and now Anna can have them and use them herself?" Confused Sounds like a caring & observant, loving grandmother being just that.....?

Screamingabdabz · 30/08/2023 22:10

I’m usually a MIL defender but this is most definitely annoying op. I admire your patience. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself rolling my eyes and making chippy comments by now… what does your DH say about it? Does he know how much it upsets you?

Original poster
MULLd · 30/08/2023 22:17

Screamingabdabz · 30/08/2023 22:10

I’m usually a MIL defender but this is most definitely annoying op. I admire your patience. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself rolling my eyes and making chippy comments by now… what does your DH say about it? Does he know how much it upsets you?

It really annoys him too ! I don't think we can really do much about it. It just seems petty and silly.

OP posts:
Original poster
MULLd · 30/08/2023 22:19

SquirrelFeeder · 30/08/2023 21:55

Sorry what on earth is wrong with saying "Charlotte's feet are exactly the same as Anna's" or "we have kept Charlotte's special books and now Anna can have them and use them herself?" Confused Sounds like a caring & observant, loving grandmother being just that.....?

In isolation, nothing is wrong with it. When it's overdone, it can feel tedious and when your own/ your husbands input / influence / traditions are ignored- like you're a second class citizen, it can grate a bit.

OP posts:
sockarefootwear · 30/08/2023 23:07

My parents both do a similar thing. They point out perceived similarities between them and my siblings/nieces and nephews and mum's siblings. They make particularly frequent reference to a couple of family members that they know I really don't like (for very good reasons). Like the OP, they do this even when there's a much more obvious similarity to me, DH or someone on DH side. Youngest DS looks a lot like DH but if anyone ever comments on this my parents seem affronted and will very quickly point out which of my siblings/uncles etc the trait mentioned ACTUALLY comes from.

With them I've come to think it's about insecurity. It's like they feel the need to constantly demonstrate how important their family is to my DC. We tend to try to ignore it but it's not always easy.

Hibiscrubbed · 31/08/2023 00:05

SquirrelFeeder · 30/08/2023 21:55

Sorry what on earth is wrong with saying "Charlotte's feet are exactly the same as Anna's" or "we have kept Charlotte's special books and now Anna can have them and use them herself?" Confused Sounds like a caring & observant, loving grandmother being just that.....?

Caring and observant? Come off it. She’s relentlessly comparing her grandchildren to her preferred two kids and actively diminishing the OP and her husband’s role in their own children.

It’s a weird phenomenon in some grandparents. My inlaws do it with their preferred grandchildren. Only their preferred grandchildren are their preferred child’s kids, so they actively seek to exclude her husband. It’s so weird to watch. They attribute all positives to their daughter, all negatives to their son in law.

UnRavellingFast · 31/08/2023 00:21

I’ve been there OP and it’s not silly and it’s not nothing. Because it’s making you feel really awful and that is important. I didn’t speak my MIL’s language well enough to interject intelligently which made it all the more frustrating. I think with mine it was partly love, partly possessiveness and partly a weird kind of defensiveness because her darling boy had chosen a woman from another culture. It was VERY annoying and frustrating. If it’s any comfort, it dwindled as the kids got older - also in my case, as I stopped visiting her (overseas) because I dumped her darling (abusive) son! However, she saw the efforts I made to stay in touch with her family and keep the kids connected, despite her son doing fuck all about that and she changed her ways a lot. Your dh sounds great in his approach btw. I’m so glad he’s on side. Please don’t feel like you don’t exist- kids see gps’ daftness and accept, but parents will always be a million times more important than nutty gps.

UnRavellingFast · 31/08/2023 00:24

Puffykins · 30/08/2023 21:15

My MIL does exactly this too. I once gave her framed photographs of the DC (she asked for them) and she sent the one of DD back asking for one from a different angle "when she looks exactly like her Aunt E" (MIL's DD.) MIL asks me to step out of family photos, too, so there is literally no record of my existence in her house. I struggle to warm to her. (Also, she never talks to me if anyone else is there, and if I speak, she speaks over me. I am evidently a non-person.)

What? What does your other half do about this? Maybe stop visiting the cow.

SnowWhiteAndTheTwoKids · 31/08/2023 00:31

I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue..."MIL, do you realise that you compare my DS to BIL so often that I'm wondering if he might be the father?"

goody2shooz · 10/11/2023 16:04

@Puffykins blo@dy hell - tell me you DONT step out of the photos??!! That’s unspeakably rude and horrible. What on earth did you say?

Puffykins · 10/11/2023 21:21

@goody2shooz @UnRavellingFast it's actually quite sad, because none of us really see my PIL much. What my MIL failed to realise is that DH wasn't going to make an effort - partly because she's also pretty horrid to him sometimes. "But you're useless at x" "I can't imagine you're any good at y" etc. I try to be understanding, I'm pretty certain that she's autistic and she reacts badly to change/ news (when we told her I was pregnant her response was "but how are you possibly going to afford it? I don't think this is a good idea"- we owned a flat, had jobs etc.) So yes, anyway, she can be quite vile, but I'm not at all certain that she's aware that she is. She's the sort of person who, when she had 3 children under 5, shut them all in a room "where I couldn't hear them scream" and taught herself Spanish - and tells people this as if it's a good thing and she won parenting.

goody2shooz · 10/11/2023 21:57

@Puffykins yes I can see why you wouldn’t visit much….three under fives shut in a room where she couldn’t hear them scream sent chills down my spine. Eeeugh!

HalLOUWeen · 10/11/2023 22:07

I get this too. More recently it’s been about looks, My son has my exact face yet he looks like uncle terry (does he fuck)

readingwalker · 10/11/2023 22:20

My MIL did this. It was so annoying, not because of the thing in itself but because it was part of the beginning of a pattern where I was expected to be invisible in relation to my own children. It started from the moment she first met her first grandchild and every photo since. No photos that include me. She looked just like every member of MIL's family. Nothing of me to be seen. Eventually she became MIL we never see.

readingwalker · 10/11/2023 22:25

Mischance · 30/08/2023 18:33

Sadly I will not be around to be a fly on the wall when all these posters become MILs themselves!! - or to read their DILs posts!!

I am a MIL and think my son in law is great. I hear DIL's are a different kettle of fish, but I don't see why they have to be. I'd like to think I've learned a lot about how not to MIL from mine. Basically, recognise they are their own family unit, with their own way of doing things that might be different to mine (and that's not a criticism of me and my ways), their kids are not my kids and don't interfere.