Just want to have a rant about my MIL

[MULLd]

First world problem, but it's been a while since I've had a rant about my MIL.

We have a bit of a history, which I think is always the case when people end up irritating us.

She irritates me, frequently.

She loves her grandchildren so much, which is very sweet. HOWEVER. She very much sees her grandchildren as an extension of her own children, rather than her grandchildren.

Constant comparisons to her kids for example and many stories and examples of how things were with her kids. From how my kids look ( compares them constantly to her other children ). ' Charlotte's feet are exactly the same as Anna's '.. to the comments on any kind of wants / needs / desires / talents. ' Charlotte plays the piano just like her auntie Anna ' ( even though I also play ). Aw, look, we have kept Charlotte's special books and now Anna can have them and use them herself. Aw this is uncle David's spoon, now Anna can use it. My husband also get annoyed by it, because the comparisons are mostly made with his siblings, rather than with him.

It's pretty much a constant thing. Nothing I ever do / try to pass on is ever acknowledged by her / her kids. But I'm constantly confronted with her heritage and how she's passing it onto my kids. Just reading this back, it sounds ridiculous. But I need to stress, that the reason it's tiring and irritating, is because it's constant. The occasional, aw David used to like playing with cars too- isn't an issue.

My family never behaves like this at all. Especially not when my in laws or my husband are around. My parents adore my kids, but it's very clear that they're not an extension of their own kids - but they're the grandkids and that's a different thing / relationship than you have with your kids.

My mother in law is quite a competitive person and I can't help but think that this is some completion for her too. I also think she knows it irritates me, so she does it more.

The two recent examples were : ' aw David is going to be a great runner just like his aunt and grandad ( not acknowledging that I'm a serious runner myself ) this isn't actually what it was about, but just an example.

My DD went to their house and every single thing she uses, we get reminded how it ' used to belong to auntie Charlotte and uncle David '. It's Halloween soon, so of course she's mentioned a million times how she needs to look in the attic to find uncle David's Halloween costumes for little Ben to wear. It's really with anything..

Anyway it sounds really strange, but it makes me feel like a stranger when I'm with them. Like I'm not even there and like nothing I do with them / activities I get them into are of any significance.

Also on a social/emotional level, ceasing to be the lynch pin of a family and losing the bustle of family life requires some adaptation, especially for those who are widowed. It takes some getting used to and requires a fair deal of soul-searching. Your turn will come - be warned!

I'm not quite there yet but I welcome it with open arms. Let someone else do the work and I'll relax.

My former mother in law was so vehement that my son looked like my ex. But he's the male version of me. She had her reasons for wanting it to be so, none of which were any reflection on me, but on her own history which I had absolute sympathy with. Let it go

I'm going to model myself on my MIL (who told me once she promised herself to be a mother in law like her own).

My bil's stepchildren and son were visiting one day when I was there. I was saying about his son "oh gosh he really does look so like BIL as a child, doesn't he" (in fairness he did - I knew BIL as a kid) and she turned to her stepchildren and said "I bet when you visit your mum's family they all think he looks like your mum as a kid don't they" one of the many reasons I love her.

It’s completely annoying but I think very normal - and generally signals an unconscious insecurity about your deeper relationship with them somehow. But better than the alternative which my friend got when her MIL babysat DS while she was in hospital having DD. She said she had had a hard time minding him because he was “not in any way remotely like my children” ( she chose a moment when he had melted down on the floor to announce this.) Could you try a few very assertive :” she’s got my mum’s eyes” or “ the teacher said she knew whose child it was the moment I arrived at pick up: she’s the image of me “ and see if she takes the hint about how it comes across … But on the whole it’s annoying but common … and better than the alternative.

Ooops sorry old thread! Sorry I’m sick in bed and trying to find things to do

Old thread or not ... @Mischance no grandmother whether in law or not has to guard their tongue on every utterance - not what the OP is saying. But her MiL is endlessly harping on about the child's similarities not just to her family but to her family excluding the father of the child. I'm a GM and would never dream of doing this - my GC as babies look like anyone and everyone. AISI, my role is simply to support both parents and admire the GC. Not inflict my views of the baby, its antecedents and how it should be brought up.

My MIL does this too. We mostly get on ok and she is well meaning but this is one thing that does irritate me. She is constantly trying to see aspects of her family in my children and completely ignoring that they are half mine!

I remember once when my eldest’s hair was starting to properly grow and it was turning blonde and she said ‘oh it looks like he’s getting Lucy’s blonde hair’. Lucy is DH’s cousin. Lucy has brown hair that is dyed blonde. The rest of DH’s family all have brown and black hair. My entire family have blonde hair. It was like she’d forgotten that he was genetically related to me at all.

I try to not let it bother me and just laugh at it now, as does DH. My middle son is like an actual clone of me and she still tries to tell us how much he is like DH as a child.