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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would it be bad if I never go to any hen do’s, weddings, kid related celebrations?

118 replies

yeahthisisit · 30/08/2023 06:48

I think I’m going to get called all kinds of names here, but I’ll risk it.

Never had any luck with love and lost all hope by now.

But everyone else is celebrating partners and kids and I just don’t habe it in me to go to these.

And since I have no expirience of celebrating these things and having someone turn them down, I’ll ask you.
Is it bad?

OP posts:
tooanxious · 30/08/2023 06:50

I have experienced all these things and still don't go

Zimunya · 30/08/2023 06:51

No. That’s how invitations work - the host invites you, and you decline or accept. Making a decision isn’t good or bad - the right decision for you may be the wrong one for someone else.

autumnboys · 30/08/2023 06:51

Of course it’s not bad! You can politely decline invitations to things you won’t enjoy.

GloomySkies · 30/08/2023 06:52

I'm not going to call you names and ultimately its your decision. But if you don't share in the major life events of the people around you, you can't be surprised if they're hurt and your friends and family pull away from you.

MidnightOnceMore · 30/08/2023 06:56

You don't have to go.

You do have to understand there's a risk it'll make you more isolated. That's fine and your choice but some people will deem that to be an indication of how much you value the relationship.

YourNameGoesHere · 30/08/2023 06:57

It's not bad to not go but gosh wouldn't life be boring without all the little get togethers, parties, celebrations and happy events.

Also without meaning to sound unkind if you decide all of those things are not important for you to attend then when you in turn have a significant event you can't be cross that others are not chomping at the bit to attend and share your happiness.

YukoandHiro · 30/08/2023 06:57

You don't have to go, but you will end up drifting from your friends over it. If you intend to focus on seeking new single and childfree friends and moving on from your older friends I think that's fine. But you can't expect them to stick with around if you don't show up for them on important days in their lives.

Also: if you say no to protect yourself (which I do totally understand) you're actually missing out on loads of opportunities to meet new people - who could start off whole new paths in your own life. I'm not just talking about romantic partners, but new friends, work opportunities etc.

I personally think you'd be better putting your big girl pants on and pouring a stiff drink to make the best of it, even if they're not your favourite days. But as others have said, they're only invites so you're free to turn them down.

TooYoungToKnowTooOldToCare · 30/08/2023 07:01

@yeahthisisit I'm not going to give you a hard time.
My immediate family are very difficult. Understandably, find large gatherings with them are hard going, so I don't usually go.

When I met DH were older, how old are you?
Is it that you've never had a long term relationship? Or you have though it just hasn't worked out?

If not the relationship, what is it?

RettyPriddle · 30/08/2023 07:01

Totally understandable, OP. Can you go light? So, just attend parts of them/send a present/show willing? I have an older family friend of my parents, who always did this. By keeping her hand in, she kept a wide social circle (and met her husband in middle age and now has an extensive step family, including great grandchildren). I, myself, have decided no more hen parties, however, unless it’s one night only!

TooYoungToKnowTooOldToCare · 30/08/2023 07:03

Should say I met DH when we were older.

Original poster
yeahthisisit · 30/08/2023 07:13

Also without meaning to sound unkind if you decide all of those things are not important for you to attend then when you in turn have a significant event you can't be cross that others are not chomping at the bit to attend and share your happiness.

But that’s kind of the point, I’ll never have these celebrations.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 30/08/2023 07:16

yeahthisisit · 30/08/2023 07:13

Also without meaning to sound unkind if you decide all of those things are not important for you to attend then when you in turn have a significant event you can't be cross that others are not chomping at the bit to attend and share your happiness.

But that’s kind of the point, I’ll never have these celebrations.

You could meet a partner at any age and then want to get married. But if not, then you may not have those events but you may have others you want to celebrate like big birthdays.

LlynTegid · 30/08/2023 07:16

It's bad if you drop out last minute.
It's not bad if you politely decline as soon as you are invited.
It's not bad if it is all such invitations.

Original poster
yeahthisisit · 30/08/2023 07:17

Also: if you say no to protect yourself (which I do totally understand)

This is exactly it, I just always feel worse and even more lonely.
I just can’t do it anymore.

Is it that you've never had a long term relationship?
Yep, well I haven’t had any short term either.
Total loser around this stuff.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 30/08/2023 07:17

Sure its up to you they are invitations not summons, but if your happy being alone never seeing anyone or doing anything and it makes you genuinely happy fine, something tells me it won't but up to you of course

YourNameGoesHere · 30/08/2023 07:17

yeahthisisit · 30/08/2023 07:13

Also without meaning to sound unkind if you decide all of those things are not important for you to attend then when you in turn have a significant event you can't be cross that others are not chomping at the bit to attend and share your happiness.

But that’s kind of the point, I’ll never have these celebrations.

You might though. It's never too late to find love and you might want to celebrate a big birthday, new job, lottery win or show off a new pet etc

Will you really never have anything positive you want to share with your friends between now and the day you die, truly?

Peony654 · 30/08/2023 07:19

It’s your decision, of course it’s ok to politely decline. But as others said - you risk losing those friends / family and isolating yourself.

fourelementary · 30/08/2023 07:20

I’ve said YABU but not because it isn’t okay to protect yourself but because you might miss out on an opportunity to meet someone.
I met my husband at a wedding, and it was a very close thing that I even went as I was a single parent and couldn’t really afford it. But if I’d missed it, I would never have met him.
So by limiting yourself to not attending celebrations maybe you will miss the chance to have the life you think you won’t ever have.

Wizadora25 · 30/08/2023 07:24

I wouldn't go to kids celebrations, hen dos or baby showers. They aren't important in my opinion and quite boring anyway. But weddings are a significant life event so you should go to those if it's someone in your family/close friends. I would be disappointed if someone didn't come to my wedding for those reasons. I've also gone to other people's weddings even though I was single and unhappy at the time. You might even meet someone at a wedding!!

DrManhattan · 30/08/2023 07:26

Not bad at all

Original poster
yeahthisisit · 30/08/2023 07:27

I appreciate the sentiment that I could magically meet a partner in these events, but I’m not ’normal’, so it’s highly unlikely I’d meet someone.

PP saying about celebrating me, no one celebrates single person’s apartments etc.
These have always been couple’s things.

I just can’t deal with the pain.
And spendind all the money on other’s and never getting in return.
It’s different if you have/will have these things, and a double income, and it will be returned to you.
But right now it’s so one sided and sometimes the questions and digs at me still being single it’s too much.

OP posts:
Poppins2016 · 30/08/2023 07:28

YourNameGoesHere · 30/08/2023 07:17

You might though. It's never too late to find love and you might want to celebrate a big birthday, new job, lottery win or show off a new pet etc

Will you really never have anything positive you want to share with your friends between now and the day you die, truly?

Show quote history

Absolutely.

I had a friend who was openly derisive about marriage, hen dos, baby showers, children's first birthdays, etc. and either didn't attend these events or put minimal effort in compared to others in the friendship group. However she expected people to put effort into celebrating her (hobby related) achievements, often requiring sacrifice (travel, time and money) from those supporting her. She didn't seem to understand when I - and other people - unsurprisingly withdrew from supporting her like she had from us.

CurlewKate · 30/08/2023 07:28

I suppose it depends on whose celebration it is. And whether you never go to any celebrations at all. Your sister's wedding? You should probably go. Your co worker's baby shower? OK to have a diary clash.

WhatToDoAboutTheNosys · 30/08/2023 07:32

I'll never have a bar mitzvah but would happily go to celebrate for somebody close to me, for example! And would never christen a child but the event would be special to the parents/family.

I think you're going to be missing out by having this blanket rule. A hen do for someone you're not close to us fair to turn down. But if it was a close friend they'll miss you and you'd miss out on a lot of fun. Lots of people are single at these events!

You never know when you're going to stumble on a man too, I understand stopping actively trying but chance encounters do happen- but it's like the lottery you have to be in it to win it!

ButterCrackers · 30/08/2023 07:34

You don’t have to go to these events. Do something you’d like to do instead.