Page 5 | Would it be bad if I never go to any hen do’s, weddings, kid related celebrations?

yeahthisisit · 2023-08-30T05:48:17+00:00

I think I’m going to get called all kinds of names here, but I’ll risk it. Never had any luck with love and lost all hope by now. But everyone else is celebrating partners and kids and I just don’t habe it in me to go to these. And since I have no expirience of celebrating these things and having someone turn them down, I’ll ask you. Is it bad?

ToWhitToWhoo · 30/08/2023 23:07

5128gap · 30/08/2023 22:03

Sure. They were just examples. It's the demonstration of effort and care for the person that's the pertinent part, whatever form that takes.

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Agree.

Toomanylaughs · 30/08/2023 23:16

yeahthisisit · 30/08/2023 07:27

I appreciate the sentiment that I could magically meet a partner in these events, but I’m not ’normal’, so it’s highly unlikely I’d meet someone.

PP saying about celebrating me, no one celebrates single person’s apartments etc.
These have always been couple’s things.

I just can’t deal with the pain.
And spendind all the money on other’s and never getting in return.
It’s different if you have/will have these things, and a double income, and it will be returned to you.
But right now it’s so one sided and sometimes the questions and digs at me still being single it’s too much.

I’m with you OP, if you don’t want to go don’t. Your mental health is really important and if you need to take time out from all that don’t feel bad.

I personally enjoy weddings and baby showers etc and I know my friends have supported me with my own creative and business successes although I’ve never had a wedding etc, but I do get what you’re saying about how it can be one sided especially if you’re on a single income . People forget how expensive it is for singles.

I used to attend a childhood friends kids birthday parties every year and bring presents for several years, as well as being at her baby showers and yet I wasn’t even getting a happy birthday text from that friend on my birthday.

I no longer bother with that particular friends children’s birthdays and she seemed put out the first year I started declining the invites, but I don’t care.

Pick who you want to show up for and if that is absolutely no one so be it.

rockpoolingtogether · 31/08/2023 09:32

First thought was that you shouldn't go if it doesn't make you happy and upset you.

Second thought was, actually hiding away won't help come to terms with your hurt. Also you must be popular and have friends and family to be invited to such events- that in itself is something to be happy about.

DrSbaitso · 31/08/2023 10:40

NeedToChangeName · 30/08/2023 20:40

@DrSbaitso when someone has fertility issues, it seems to be more acceptable for them to avoid babies

And yet, when someone is deeply unhappy about being single, many people expect them to put on a happy face and go to a wedding

To me, these are comparable, and yet viewed quite differently. I've identified wondered why that might be

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Good observation, and you're probably right.

I think it might be because a wedding is one day and if you miss it, that's it. But there's still plenty of time to get to know a child as they grow up even if you miss out on the very earliest times.

I was at a wedding once and the band played I Will Survive. Someone said it wasn't very weddingy and another girl said "it's for people like me!"

LittleMissUnreasonable · 31/08/2023 12:46

UANBU OP. I've been there before being chronically single as a teen-twenty something whilst friends were all paired up. You're always the odd one sat at the end of the table, or paying a premium for a hotel room when going on trips away because of the stupid single room rates. People make you feel included but ultimately single people do get screwed over.

I'm married with kids now but have many single childfree friends. I make sure I have 'girls holidays', 'girls nights', offer to sit with the person on their own at events and let DH mingle etc. I know what it's like and I do my best to make sure noone feels left out. It's very important to me

LylaLee · 31/08/2023 14:24

OP

You sound extremely self-pitying.

Can you tell us more about how you are not normal and why that means you will never have a partner?

People who are schizophrenic find love. People with bipolar disorder find love. People with autism find love. There are many conjoined twins who have got married. There was this documentary about this guy born with no arms and legs. He got married. This guy has lived in an iron lung since childhood. He found love. People with aids find love and get married. People with life limiting conditions and terminal diseases find partners.

Are you simply socially awkward. Many, many people in that situation find love.

What is it about you that is more of an obstacle than those things I've listed?

And you still haven't given your age range. You'll get better advice if you do.

My opinion is still that you sound very depressed. With treatment you can have a less pessimistic view of everything.

Would it be bad if I never go to any hen do’s, weddings, kid related celebrations?

bakewellbride · 31/08/2023 14:47

I think you need some help op. Viewing the world as "this couples' world" is really not healthy. When I was single I was incredibly happy and fulfilled. I moved into a flat with a friend and we deffo had people over for a little house warning celebration. You seem to have decided it's impossible to do any of this stuff while single but I can assure you that's not the case, it's just your negative outlook.

My friend is single and had lots of fun celebrating her 40th.

Life is what you make of it. I had a horrible start to my life (childhood abuse, 23 years of hell, trauma etc) and at one point was truly alone - my relationship with my mother had broken down. But with therapy I turned my life around. It's about being strong and positive and not throwing your life away.

KimberleyClark · 31/08/2023 17:17

And you're also right about the celebrating - it's engagements, weddings and babies. Apart from that, people are generally not interested. It's why the Sex and the City episode 'A Woman's Right to Shoes' resonated so much!

I think this is true. There was a thread a while ago where the OP single no children was trying to organise a celebration of personal achievement and nobody was interested/said they couldn't come because of childcare issues etc. . A lot of the replies said she couldn't expect her friends to prioritise her celebration over their families.

Toomanylaughs · 31/08/2023 21:31

LittleMissUnreasonable · 31/08/2023 12:46

UANBU OP. I've been there before being chronically single as a teen-twenty something whilst friends were all paired up. You're always the odd one sat at the end of the table, or paying a premium for a hotel room when going on trips away because of the stupid single room rates. People make you feel included but ultimately single people do get screwed over.

I'm married with kids now but have many single childfree friends. I make sure I have 'girls holidays', 'girls nights', offer to sit with the person on their own at events and let DH mingle etc. I know what it's like and I do my best to make sure noone feels left out. It's very important to me

You sound a lot like many of my wonderful friends - shout out to my married friends who came with me on my 30th birthday trip abroad and who spend as much time if not more more time with me than their partners at big events and occasions…who invite me to sleepovers and host girly brunches. Who call or text me on my birthday.

I suspect OP’s friend are not like this at all and therein lies the problem. Most of the ones insisting Op should grin and bear it at probably neglect their friendships with childfree/single people.

Viralsunflower · 31/08/2023 21:56

This post is giving me Miss Havisham vibes, I'm sorry for my honesty but it really is.

I totally understand wanting to protect yourself if it hurts to go to couples/family events but declining all of these invites from your friends might just lead to further isolation, especially if you intend to decline things forever. I declined a baby shower invitation at one point during a very difficult low point but I wouldn't decline going to anything relating to my friend's child forever, I'd just be ending my friendship, and if I value the friendship then that isn't something I'd want to do.

You could, instead of going to a hen do, invite the bride for lunch. Or instead of going to the wedding, go for a cream tea, spa day, something nice just with your friend. Instead of going to a kids party, go for cocktails.

I think you should also try to expand your circle of friends to include other single people, not for the purpose of finding a partner, just to meet some new people and get some of your enjoyment of friendships back.

You sound deeply unhappy and you may need to work on your self esteem (from what you have said here, anyway) as you seem to be seeing the world in a negative way. Work on yourself, practice self acceptance and self love. Maybe some therapy to explore all of this a bit more.

GalGadont · 31/08/2023 23:52

Toomanylaughs · 31/08/2023 21:31

You sound a lot like many of my wonderful friends - shout out to my married friends who came with me on my 30th birthday trip abroad and who spend as much time if not more more time with me than their partners at big events and occasions…who invite me to sleepovers and host girly brunches. Who call or text me on my birthday.

I suspect OP’s friend are not like this at all and therein lies the problem. Most of the ones insisting Op should grin and bear it at probably neglect their friendships with childfree/single people.

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Kudos to your friends, they sound fab. That is quite unusual in my experience.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 01/09/2023 11:32

You sound a lot like many of my wonderful friends - shout out to my married friends who came with me on my 30th birthday trip abroad and who spend as much time if not more more time with me than their partners at big events and occasions…who invite me to sleepovers and host girly brunches. Who call or text me on my birthday.
@Toomanylaughs

That's a lovely thing to say 😊 your friends sound wonderful too!

Original poster

yeahthisisit · 09/10/2023 18:37

I actually got a wedding invite (it was coming, that’s what triggered me to make this thread) and I inclined it.

First I was so nervous, thought I couldn’t do it.
I’m the type of person who always worry how other’s feel, so it was difficult to do.
But I did.

And I just feel so relieved!
Like the first time in my life I thought about myself and what is good for me.
That I don’t just push myself through to make other’s happy and suffer in silence all alone.
I wish I had done this years ago!

OP posts:

LaurieStrode · 10/10/2023 01:47

Happy for you, OP! 💐💐💐

BMrs · 10/10/2023 03:08

You don't have to go buy weddings age a great place to meet new people if you're open to it. Hen's too

Catsmere · 10/10/2023 03:24

Not having a partner doesn't make you a loser, OP. It makes you perfectly normal, like millions of other people.

I never had a partner, never dated. Yeah, I had lonely moments in my twenties, but forty years on I don't feel like I missed anything I'd really have wanted long-term.

As for weddings etc, I've been to three, thirty-plus years ago. They were fine, but going to children's stuff would bore me witless, because I don't like children or want to spend any time near them. My friends know this (different group of friends now) and wouldn't consider it snubbing their precious grandchildren or whatever.

I know you're lonely but romantic relationships aren't the lifesaver they're painted as. Nor is having children. Just look at the Relationships board, or AIBU, to see how many women's desire for marriage turned to dust and ashes once the man showed his true colours.

Catsmere · 10/10/2023 03:25

yeahthisisit · 09/10/2023 18:37

I actually got a wedding invite (it was coming, that’s what triggered me to make this thread) and I inclined it.

First I was so nervous, thought I couldn’t do it.
I’m the type of person who always worry how other’s feel, so it was difficult to do.
But I did.

And I just feel so relieved!
Like the first time in my life I thought about myself and what is good for me.
That I don’t just push myself through to make other’s happy and suffer in silence all alone.
I wish I had done this years ago!

Well done!

Toomanylaughs · 12/10/2023 19:54

yeahthisisit · 09/10/2023 18:37

I actually got a wedding invite (it was coming, that’s what triggered me to make this thread) and I inclined it.

First I was so nervous, thought I couldn’t do it.
I’m the type of person who always worry how other’s feel, so it was difficult to do.
But I did.

And I just feel so relieved!
Like the first time in my life I thought about myself and what is good for me.
That I don’t just push myself through to make other’s happy and suffer in silence all alone.
I wish I had done this years ago!

Well done! It feels great to break away from people pleasing tendencies 🥳 keep going!