Would it be bad if I never go to any hen do’s, weddings, kid related celebrations?

[yeahthisisit]

I think I’m going to get called all kinds of names here, but I’ll risk it.

Never had any luck with love and lost all hope by now.

But everyone else is celebrating partners and kids and I just don’t habe it in me to go to these.

And since I have no expirience of celebrating these things and having someone turn them down, I’ll ask you.
Is it bad?

'PP saying about celebrating me, no one celebrates single person’s apartments etc.
These have always been couple’s things.

I just can’t deal with the pain.
And spendind all the money on other’s and never getting in return.'

I hear you. I wouldn't dream of going to a baby shower, would find it too hard. I'm happy to send a gift but not attend the event itself

And you're also right about the celebrating - it's engagements, weddings and babies. Apart from that, people are generally not interested. It's why the Sex and the City episode 'A Woman's Right to Shoes' resonated so much!

If you don't go to these things then you will have to accept you may drift from the invitees. The invitations may stop and even when the kids leave home you won't be able to go.

I turn down baby showers and christenings and have in the past attended just the main part of the wedding and left before the evening part. But try and make sure you attend somethings if you want to stay in the picture.

You're not unreasonable not to go, but there are consequences. I'm likely never gonna have those events either. Are babyshowers my favourite things? Nope. But I'll do it cause I care about my friend. You can pick and choose. If you came to a wedding you can skip the babayshower if it's especially hard etc. But skipping all life events does send a message.

Also, I don't have that many friends so it's not like those things happen every single month through all the years. Could be different if having a large friendship group.

You can still host a graduation, housewarming party, birthday etc. Those are not couple things. If you want to selebrate your new work/flat just send a text to your friends. I doubt anyone says "nope. Eww. You're single. You don't deserve a party". It's likely that the people who host happen to be couples.

The real issue isn’t the events themselves though is it? OP you think you are not ‘normal’ and will never form a romantic relationship- but you do want to or you wouldn’t find it so painful watching others do the same.

You need to start working on yourself. What do you mean by ‘not normal’? You manage friendships so why couldn’t you meet someone who is a romantic interest? Is it a lack of confidence? Lack of social skills? Something appearance based you are worried about? Have you tried online dating? Are you depressed? These are all things you can improve or get past if you try but it sounds very much like you’ve given up which is your biggest barrier.

But what am I supposed to do with the pain.
Let’s say I can brave myself enough to go at least some of the events.
What then, it’s not I can cry to them at any point how painful it is to me.
Of course it’s not about me, I know that. But these things just make all these feelings pop-up and I feel worse and the awful feeling lasts a long time.
Pp’s said about celebrating their friends, yes it’s amazing their lives have worked out and I wouldn’t wish this pin on anyone, but if I’m totally honest, no I don’t feel any happiness. At all.
I know it makes me sound like an awful person, I wish it wasn’t so, I just don’t know what or how to do this.

OP, if you answer the questions about how old you are, what it is you hate so much about yourself etc then maybe we can help you start to take some action and make some suggestions? Sounds like life is just miserable for you.

So you’ve thrown housewarming parties, and nobody has turned up? You invited people out for your 30th birthday, and they said “sorry, we only go to birthday parties if the birthday girl is married”? Or have you not actually organised anything?

My best friend has been single for most of the time I’ve known her (she is child-free, and divorced as her DH wanted children). I’ve been to her housewarming parties, her birthdays, and even round to hers for Christmas. The difference is that she invites me (and we invite her back to things).

I'd get therapy.

I can relate to this, OP - I've been single my entire adult life, mostly because I have severe C-PTSD from childhood trauma and I don't trust people. I no longer speak to my parents and I have no kids, so I'm a sort of island. Nothing really represents me as everything in society is built around family. Mostly I feel like a weak member of a herd that is given a wide berth.

That said...

Weddings I go to if it's someone important to me. It's painful but equally important to me that I don't further isolate myself by my own behaviour.

Hen dos and baby showers and kids birthdays - no. I used to, because I didn't want people to think I was bitter or jealous, and because I have very poor boundaries around my own needs. Now, I just take the view that these events are an invitation and not a summons, and it isn't the end of days if I'm not there. Especially baby showers, actually, as I think they're so smug and twee.

Anyway - nothing is wrong if it's done to protect yourself, but others are right to say that there may be consequences to that that have to be accepted.

I really feel for you though. It's so horrible feeling that you'll never get your 'turn' (and you're right that single people have very few celebrations).

I am attached (but not married) and most of my friends are single (in our 50s) so we often celebrate something - we went for brunch for me finishing a degree and all go out for everyone's birthdays as a group. And if someone wanted to celebrate new cat, that would be fine.

(i'd not attend a hen do now unless local - group holidays would do my head in - though we did all go to Vegas for a mates 50th - half group single and a few of us brought partners. A baby shower, probably not unless its a work one and i am there anyway, with cake provided!)

I live alone. I had a housewarming party for old friends and new neighbours. It was lovely.

And you're also right about the celebrating - it's engagements, weddings and babies. Apart from that, people are generally not interested. It's why the Sex and the City episode 'A Woman's Right to Shoes' resonated so much!

I LOVE that episode. I've spent thousands on gifts and attending everyone's events, and sometimes wish I could have a Me Shower party where everyone contributes to me getting a handbag or something. 😂

OP you sound depressed. You're looking at the world with shit coloured glasses.

There is help. If you start a thread in mental health you will be pointed to lots of resources.

Honestly op. Of course you don't need to attend these events if you don't enjoy them find them hard.

I do feel that you seem fixated on your single status and as the sister to two fabulous single ladies who would love to meet or have met someone who still enjoy their hobbies , job and life in general while acknowledging the regret of not being in a relationship .
Honestly your tone slightly offends me on their behalf.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself. Some people will understand, some people will be upset by it. It may well create issues in some friendships, but that isn't all on you.

But, and I say this so kindly, it sounds like you are in a lot of emotional pain. Avoiding events won't solve this entirely, I do thank you need to also need to try and find other ways to help and move forward (however that looks for you).

Does that matter, though? People invite us and we go because we want to celebrate their happiness with them. It doesn't detract from ours. There isn't a limited amount of love of happiness to go round. You don't miss out because your friends have got engaged/married/had babies/new houses or jobs any more than if they have a birthday.

If you don't want to go, don't go, but it will impact your friendships if you repeatedly decline invitations and don't make alternative plans with them. Withdrawing socially is a symptom of depression, which can be treated and managed.

I mean, you'd have to throw a party for people to come? Are you just expecting people to randomly take it on themselves to organise a celebration for these things for you??
I'm sure if you threw a party to celebrate your new apartment, people would come.

Being in a relationship and having children isn’t the be all and end all. Many people are in relationships and unhappy, many people wish they could escape from these. Having children is stressful and means you have no time for yourself. Having children can also put a strain on relationships.

Basically the grass isn’t necessarily greener. Rather than look at other people and assume how much better their life must be to yours, think about what’s good in your own life and how you have the freedom to make choices for yourself.

Good friends will be happy to celebrate your successes- but you have to tell them and invite them! They can’t be expected to read your mind. Let people in, and at the same time learn to be happy for those you care about. Everyone experiences hardship and disappointment in life, even those in relationships with kids. It’s not reserved for single people x

Being in a relationship and having children isn’t the be all and end all. Many people are in relationships and unhappy, many people wish they could escape from these. Having children is stressful and means you have no time for yourself. Having children can also put a strain on relationships.

I’m sorry, and nothing personal to you, but I believe this is total bullshit and I’m tired of this being thrown around MN.
The day everyone breaks up with their partners and don’t go looking for new one and stop having kids, is the day I start believing this.
Obviously there is something huge and important to be in a relationship and something massive would ve missing if they wouldn’t be in one.

If it's painful, of course you shouldn't attend. Most of these events are grabby, and expensive for guests, anyway.

You can wish people well with a card through the post if you want to.

Same.

I had a tiny wedding with only witnesses and it was great. I was thrown a baby shower by work colleagues against my will - tbf I did appreciate the effort/sentiment and all the gifts but I hated being the centre of attention.

I absolutely despise weddings and am very open about it so people know it's not personal. I also don't do parties or baby showers although I will happily buy a gifts to show the person I care. My time is too precious to do things I hate that much. The only wedding I would go to from this point onwards is my daughter's.

OP you can carve out a life you are happy with. You CAN put yourself out there and meet people. It doesn’t matter how old you are. Get involved with hobbies, volunteering, join tinder and swipe yes to EVERYONE. The majority of the people will be idiots or even just not to your taste. But you only need to meet one person who is. Even if you don’t meet someone and decide you’re better off alone, celebrate your own achievements and invite your friends to join you.

If you refuse to celebrate your friend’s milestones because you’re jealous you might end up with no partner, no kids and no friends. I would try and feel happy for your friends. There’s not a finite amount of happiness in the world. Your friends having joy doesn’t mean there’s any less for you.

And you're also right about the celebrating - it's engagements, weddings and babies. Apart from that, people are generally not interested. this is just not true @Lottapianos
I have been engaged once (and didn’t have a party for it), married once and held one christening. I’ve had way more than 2 celebrations in my life! And I’ve been single for 25 years now - I can assure everyone I’ve had loads of celebrations. Why would being single make any difference? I don’t understand the thought process.

Don't go to anything you don't want to, but don't moan if you no longer get invited.

Friendships are give and take. You have to make the effort if you want to keep good friendships. I've been single for 15 years for context and my friendships are even more important to me because of that.

I don’t mean every relationship is unhappy and that having kids is always negative, I just mean the key to a happy life isn’t being in a relationship or having kids per se. These things can certainly bring joy, but it is possible to be happy without them. Not every single person is miserable and believing that they can only be happy if they have a partner and kids. Many people thrive ‘alone’ but I do agree that close human connection is important - but that can also be friends and family. And I agree that in general marketing/ media/ society still portrays stereotypical ‘families’ as the default ‘best’ position to be in in life, which is a bit insulting to anyone falling outside that stereotype.