Would it be bad if I never go to any hen do’s, weddings, kid related celebrations?

[yeahthisisit]

I think I’m going to get called all kinds of names here, but I’ll risk it.

Never had any luck with love and lost all hope by now.

But everyone else is celebrating partners and kids and I just don’t habe it in me to go to these.

And since I have no expirience of celebrating these things and having someone turn them down, I’ll ask you.
Is it bad?

'I’m sorry, and nothing personal to you, but I believe this is total bullshit and I’m tired of this being thrown around MN.
The day everyone breaks up with their partners and don’t go looking for new one and stop having kids, is the day I start believing this'

I agree. It's very easy to tell people that there's more to life than marriage and babies. If you don't have these things, and you want them, and don't honestly feel you have much prospect of having them, that hurts. It's very hard to 'get out there' and 'just be happy for your friends' if you're feeling hurt and envious. Friendship is not as simple as it's made out to be

'I’ve had way more than 2 celebrations in my life! And I’ve been single for 25 years now - I can assure everyone I’ve had loads of celebrations.'

Good for you. I mean that. But the 'big' celebrations, the ones that there are whole industries dedicated to celebrating, are marriage and babies. Of course you can celebrate anything you like, but if you're already feeling isolated, then throwing a party for yourself may feel a bit beyond you. I get where OP is coming from

It sounds like you need some therapy Op, you have such a low opinion about yourself. You call yourself not normal, what does that even mean?

Do you have friends? If so, what is to stop you having a party for them? If not, that is probably a more urgent issue for you to address than the absence of big occasions.

Are you declining these invitations because otherwise you are wild water swimming, visiting an art exhibition, starting a pottery class and learning to juggle or are you actually sitting indoors on your own feeling depressed and lonely?
It’s one thing if you have a full social life meeting lots of new people who are taking advantage of being similarly free and single, but don’t cut yourself off from your current social circle by having a blanket rule that you don’t attend any celebration that references couples or family.
Maybe you could have a policy that you consider each invitation individually and if you decide to decline you have to have an alternative activity lined up?
What celebrations or social occasions have you arranged for your friendship group in the last 12 months? Birthday party? Dinner invitation? Games night?
My best friend is turning 50 this year and is long term single. She comes to all our family celebrations because she cares about me - and I appreciate that she does when I know she would have liked a partner and a family. And equally I’m joining in her ‘year of celebrations’ for her 50th and we’re starting by learning to paddle board together and we have multiple events planned for the next 12m. Somebody should tell her that single folk have to sit in a darkened room sobbing into their cocoa - she didn’t get the memo.
I’m sorry if you are actually struggling with depression @yeahthisisit because you come across as having no agency in deciding how your life turns out. If that’s the case I hope you can get some help. Best wishes.

It's certainly not important to everyone. But yes, I think it's probably something that most people want to experience at some point, and I'd imagine that being told it's not important, when it actually is something you really want, isn't at all helpful.

If attending things like weddings and christenings is something that causes you genuine emotional pain and affects your mental health, then YABU to decline the invitation.

I think the important thing is to decline in a polite and sensitive way - for example, I would certainly not say 'I'm sorry I can't come to your wedding, but I don't like going to those sorts of celebrations because I haven't had those things for myself' or 'I can't come to your baby's christening because seeing happy parents is painful for me' because that would be quite hurtful and it will appear to your friends that you resent or begrudge them their happiness. So I'd say it's fine to say you can't go, but I would certainly give a more neutral excuse.

@ManateeFair @yeahthisisit yes you are right and sorry if I seemed insensitive. I’ve been there too having never had a hen do, wedding, baby shower etc. so I understand how it feels
like everyone else is progressing in life and I’m becoming more and more the odd one out.

It's an invite, not a summons 🤷

If they're true friends, OP, you could perhaps be honest with them about why you aren't going. I have a couple of friends with fertility issues that are unlikely to be resolved. They sent me messages after I got pregnant/my kids were born, basically saying they were happy for me but it was so sad for them and they just couldn't see me yet. I totally understood. I'd be the same if it were me.

I do think you have to get through it for something as significant as a wedding and I know what it's like to go to those while single and not ok with it. But I've never been to a wedding with only one single person there. Most of them will mix single people and couples at tables, or they should. Take advantage of the alcohol.

I do agree that close human connection is important - but that can also be friends and family.

But everyone is having these close connections with their partner/kids. As they should, of course.
Most of them just want to talk about their kids/partners/family plans/little bit of world happeninf here and there and then back to vacations and relationship plans.

None of those things bring close connections.
It’s not like these people want to share and build a life with me, obviously, that’s what partners are for.

They’ll always mean more to me, because I don’t have that special person aka partner, I’m an after though, if even that.
There is a balance problem.
I had to learn to habe boundaries so I wasn’t always doimg the extra step and work and okey with any scaps I could get.

Honestly, OP, you need to widen your circle to include different types of people. My husband and child make up a very small percentage of my conversation with my friends. They’re important, sure, but not my whole life. I get that you want things you feel (I obviously don’t know how realistically) you can’t have, but, assuming you’re right and your life won’t feature marriage or children, surely it would help to be around other people who were leading differently-shaped lives, and who find these fulfilling, and may open your eyes to different types of fulfilment? I know you will say is that the difference is that my single, childfree friends are so by choice, and you want a partner and children, but I think you are being made to feel more anomalous/excluded than necessary by the people you seem to have in your life.

I’ll never forget being at a very prestigious dinner, surrounded by other professionals and being so excited to talk to these really impressive people and network. All the women wanted to talk about was their partners and kids, and all the men wanted to talk about was their hobbies. I was basically excluded from the men’s group and ignored by the women after I disclosed I had no partner or children. I think I said maybe 12 words the entire dinner.

That Bridget Jones scene didn’t come out of nowhere - people do experience things like this!

I’m happily single and childless but feeling that you’re not part of a big societal club is really not nice, and saying “well get some friends then” is a bit dismissive.

I don’t doubt that this was your experience because you say it was, but (other than some notable disappointments in meeting the celebrated — Germaine Greer talked only about eco-cleaning products when I sat next to her at a dinner), I’ve tended to find the opposite.

I’m in an editorial collective, all-female, and after years of working together, seeing one another at conferences, socialising etc, I think the only mention of children was me having to go if a meeting overran to pick up my young child, and one woman joining Teams from another continent because she was at her daughter’s wedding. I only know the parent/non-parent status of some of my colleagues because I first joined the dept as a paternity cover for one colleague, and I gave another one’s teenager some Oxford interview coaching after he babysat for us. One colleague with whom I’ve gone for drinks I thought was childfree until, after I’d worked with her for a year, she mentioned an adult son.

'That Bridget Jones scene didn’t come out of nowhere - people do experience things like this!'

Well exactly! And its so smug and so deathly boring, and does make you feel like some sort of spare part

@DrSbaitso when someone has fertility issues, it seems to be more acceptable for them to avoid babies

And yet, when someone is deeply unhappy about being single, many people expect them to put on a happy face and go to a wedding

To me, these are comparable, and yet viewed quite differently. I've identified wondered why that might be

I've been to plenty of celebrations for my single friends!

Feel free to decline what you want but remember friends may not want to invite you to other things, in particular they may not want to do single only things

I'm so sorry you feel this way and that you feel not normal, that sounds very lonely.

I've also struggled in the past with things like hen dos after my fiancé left me but I've done as I wanted to see the people there and join in the fun of the night out- if you're not up for the night out and won't find it fun there's no point in going regardless if your own relationship success status.

You don't have to go to any invite you don't want to but I would advise a very gracious thank you for invite and well wishes, other wise these friends may feel you don't care about them or don't want to be friends with them.

Ok k would advise getting a counsellor that will be a first step to dealing with the pain - I think the pain is with yoh whether or not yog attend x

We never done any single only things, and why would they have any interest in that in the first place.
The second everyone got into relationship, that was it and many of them changed into dynamic duo types.

Also op I think you need to try to expand your social circle there are lots of long term single people out there to be friends with - maybe meet ups or organized holidays or local classes etc

You don't have to go to any invite you don't want to but I would advise a very gracious thank you for invite and well wishes, other wise these friends may feel you don't care about them or don't want to be friends with them.

I half way understand this sentiment, and of course I would just say thank you, but no thank you.
But I just feel it should be obvious to people who know me and can see that I haven’t had/won’t be having these expiriences that it’s going to be difficult for me and be understanding.
All the hours, days, months, maybe years I’ve spend listening, helping out, supporting, going to invites - all the time and money, already so far…. For obvious reasons they never have had to do any of that for me, I think I just ran out of fuel now.

If you're single and child free, having friends is a big deal. If you decline I think its worth explaining and/or offering something so they don't feel you're not interested.
So, decline the wedding but send a lovely gift. Skip the hen do but invite the bride for lunch etc.

Or just send a handwritten note of congratulations.

Spending money shouldn't be required.

Sure. They were just examples. It's the demonstration of effort and care for the person that's the pertinent part, whatever form that takes.

No, it's not bad so long as you decline promptly and graciously, and don't 'flake out' at the last moment.

No one is obliged to attend such events; and lots of people don't go to hen dos in particular. Well, probably you should attend a sibling's wedding if you possibly can; but how often does that happen?!

But perhaps you should consider the possibility that you may be depressed. I certainly don't think that everyone who avoids these occasions is depressed, but I detect a possible tone in your posts. If you think you may be, perhaps it may be worth seeing your GP.