To think anything I did was also his fault?

[Naomi189]

I'm about a year into recovering from my DH having an affair. We stayed together, and there's been generally good progress but we keep having the same argument and I get insanely angry when we have it and I just want to know AIBU.

After he cheated, for the first couple of months I was fairly calm. I was devastated, but I wasn't chucking his clothes out of windows or screaming and shouting.

The first 12 weeks was hell, but in a lot of ways we were closer than ever before and I felt like it would be a lot road but we'd recover from it. We'd been to counselling and attended an online infidelity course and things had been really positive.

One thing drilled into him was the need for total honesty going forwards. During that period, he met the OW for drinks to give her "closure" he felt she "deserved", after he'd expressly promised not to speak to her ever again.

To me, that was actually worse than the affair itself and I went absolutely postal, chucked him out, went on Tinder, got insanely drunk and gave a random date a blow job in the garden and texted DH to tell him.

I'm not proud of that, but he'd had an affair that went on for months and while I was in the process of giving him an opportunity to make amends (and while he'd seen me clearly devastated), he betrayed me again.

So we got through it all eventually, but now as we're trying to do the work on the affair, he keeps banhing on about how I "hurt him too" and how much what I did, damaged HIM.

To which I roll my eyes, go absolutely postal again and tell him HE is responsible for his affair and breaking our marriage and HE is responsible for betraying me again when I was devastated and therefore HE is responsible for any fallout or consequences.

He says I need to take responsibility and just because he screwed someone else 50 times while I was home cooking his dinner, that I still had "choices" and didn't need to behave in ways to deliberately hurt him.

I think I have absolutely zero responsibility for damaging our relationship and that he's lucky I didn't do worse.

Am I wrong here?

Largely we are doing well, but he just will NOT stop bringing this up during arguments which they turn very ugly because it feels like he's trying to act like I'm to blame for reacting to his shit behaviour.

I don't want to spend all my time punishing him, and I don't think I do that. But if a conversation about his affair generally devolves into "you hurt me too!!!" then I feel like he's trying to

a) make it all about him when he should be being unselfish
b) implying I did something that damaged our marriage, when the reality is as far as I am concerned he had already completely destroyed it
c) minimise or imply a false equivalence

You’re right, that is what he’s trying to do.

Of course it’s all about him ! If he cared about you he wouldn’t have spent 50 nights shagging her and lying to you about it.

And who says he should be unselfish ? you? The books or courses you’ve been on ? Because he’s not going to have a personality change, even if you really REALLY want it.

And OF COURSE he thinks you’ve done something to destroy the marriage, because he believes that he was entitled to his cheating and you are not . Because his wants and feelings matter and yours don’t.

Your posts are all about how you are trying to make him change. Perhaps in return for you agreeing to stay with him.

Which makes me think that you have kids together, as most men CBA to be single parents and don’t want to have to pay for their kids. Or because you are useful to him in some other way.

No one here is “ judging you “ or “ shaming you “ for staying . You are doing that to yourself . You are working so SO hard to swallow all your anger and heartbreak because you’ve made this “ rational “ choice to stay with him when you know , deep down, that you are flogging a dead horse.

So you get angry and lash out at the women here who tell you this.

It doesn’t matter how many mantras you chant from your courses, you can’t change him . He doesn’t want to change. He doesn’t want to “ do the work” or “ take responsibility “.

You need to stop trying to make him. Just stop and listen to his actions.

He won’t change . This is who he is. This is your life now, living with this anger and mistrust. Just keep stuffing it down until you end up with depression or anxiety or chronic back problems etc .

Meanwhile your husband is waiting for you to STFU so normal service can resume.

and I’m sorry to have to say this, but yes he will cheat on you again. He’s not even sorry he did it last time, he’s just sorry he got caught. I know this because of his sense of entitlement - that’s why they all cheat.

And unfortunately for you, the BJ in the garden just feeds into his massive sense of entitlement. I understand why you did it - you wanted to hurt him they say he hurt you. You wanted him to lie on the floor sobbing.

But it didn’t work , because he just feels aggrieved and vindicated . He’s not broken hearted at all.

That’s why you want to punch him in the face when he says “ but you cheated too “. Your massive anger is because you can see who he is really is and you know you can’t change him back into the man you thought he was when you married him.

No wonder you are Fucking furious . Id be too, in fact I’m angry for you just reading about him.

Im sorry, I know you are angry and desperate and I wish I could tell you that it will be ok. But you’ve had enough lies in your life.

This.

I'm not sure what enjoyment you got from the BJ - if you'd spent a night having mindless, meaningless, mindblowing sex with an adonis I'd perhaps have more respect. You almost seem proud you sucked a random cock in a garden - don't get me wrong, I've been there when the hurt is so bad and you want to feel important and attractive to someone. At some point you will start to heal and realise that didn't fix you. It didn't even start that healing process and it didn't fix your relationship.

This whole situation is toxic - for yourself and the sake of your children who are watching this shit show and developing their own idea of what a healthy relationship looks like - walk away.

@TrishM80

I hope your kids didn't see their mother with a mouthful of another man's cock

Are you for real right now?

as far as he was concerned, the OW was madly in love with him and broken hearted and a human being and she deserved some kindness too. He had compartmentalised two parts of his life and felt entitled to take that from me in order to give it to her.

As far as she was concerned too, no doubt. Infidelity is hurful, but it's not a crime, for good reason. On a human level, I think it's right he gave her closure. Monogamy is not a natural state for humans. Many achieve it, but mostly through lack of desire or opportunity.

I think we all expect too much from each other

This

Get some self respect and end it. Trying to heal a marriage where one partner repeatedly shagged someone else is a total waste of time. Working on a marriage is where someone slips up with a single infidelity, not a 3 month affair where he meets up with her and ends it and cares about her feelings more than yours.

He shouldn't have cheated. He shouldn't have met up with her again later. You shouldn't have expected him not to use what you did against you. You did it to hurt him and he is using it to say you hurt him. I get why you did it and I get he hurt you first and worst. What you say here" She kept on going - knowing where she stood the entire time. If she was silly enough to do that then any broken heart she got is her own problem" could be equally true of you.

Having the same argument must be exhausting but neither of you are going to change your stance.

Agree

No judgement or advice here, OP, but just wanted to say I love your way with words - you are very funny:

"I think I could have given an entire football team anal on the driveway and I still wouldn't have been in the wrong."

Oh ffs, that was meant to be a big grin on my last comment, not a frigging football!

@BearPunter

There's a lot of thinly veiled misogyny on this thread.

After I leave my husband for cheating on me I can suck anyone's cock I want to, and as much as you might want me to be ashamed, sorry, I am not.

At some point you will start to heal and realise that didn't fix you

I didn't expect it to.

It didn't even start that healing process and it didn't fix your relationship

I didn't want it to.

For the sake of your children who are watching this shit show and developing their own idea of what a healthy relationship looks like - walk away

You don't know anything about my children thanks, and they don't see or get involved in any kind of "shit show". They have two loving parents who take great care of them and carry out their private business privately.

They also have a mother who got up every day, showered them, dressed them, made their breakfast, did their laundry, drove them to school, helped them with their homework, tended their needs and looked after them impeccably when her life was blown apart and she wanted to die.

But cheers!

Were you trying again at the point you sucked off the guy in garden?

Neither of you sounds happy, is it really worth trying to clingy onto this relationship now?

He's not going to change, and you're never going to be able to punish him into being a decent human, no matter how many Tinder dates you suck off in the garden.

You keep mentioning this garden where you gave another man a blow job. Was this the garden of your family home, and were your children at home at the time?

@oipp Thanks, some of the comments here are quite funny. Clearly quite a few people have issues with women sucking a bit of cock.

One thing I have learned from this is to take no BS or judgement from anybody. Until they've walked in my shoes they'll never know.

Thanks for your insightful comment though, you've nailed it really. It all did happen because of him. We had a calm and stable life and all this got dragged into it by his choices.

Actually, the way a lot of people here have tried to shame me for giving someone a blow job in the garden has made me realise how little shame I will actually accept. You're right - "when you behave in as vile a way as he has done, consequences follow, you can’t expect your wife to be wholly rational after what he did".

I feel that in my bones.

I don't feel my reaction was terrible. Actually the Tinder guy was handsome and wealthy and he'd been cheated on by his wife. He texted me for a long time trying to meet up again and I didn't. He even invited me on holiday with him,

It would have been the easiest thing in the world to have walked away, but I didn't.

I think my DH has to really think about that.

@Naomi189

Sadly I had a lot of understanding of what you'd been through - as I said I've been in similar circumstances and it hurts. It bloody hurts and you want to switch that hurt onto him as much as you possibly can but you need to own your own behaviour and work out what it is you really want, quit the games.

No misogyny or judgement here, but it's cute that you thought to throw that one in there - almost like you're playing Mumsnet bingo ;)

He behaved appallingly. You didn't crown yourself in glory.

I genuinely don't think your relationship is anything other than toxic and trust me, your children will be affected by that.

I think my DH has to really think about that.

I'm sure he does. Probably while thinking of the other woman.

@Canisaysomething "get some self respect"

Self respect is pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honour and dignity.

I feel very certain I have all these things in spades. But cheers.

@gwenneh

I'm sure he does. Probably while thinking of the other woman

Any reason for the cruelty?

I fully agree with you. It was entirely his fault.

That said though I don't think you will be able to move on as a couple if you don't acknowledge that he was hurt by what you did and you are just going to go round and round in circles.

Some of you need to stop going on about the BJ, it’s a symptom and not a cause of what’s wrong in the Ops marriage.

And you are being vile to imply that any of this happened in front of her kids. Why on earth would anyone think that from what the Op has written ?